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Gambling DH - making amends - need ideas

(13 Posts)
ClaraDeLaNoche Sat 07-Sep-13 17:46:10

PS my DB was like this. He had a lovely partner who supported him and stood by him. My mum told her that he would lie and cheat for the rest of his life, and that if they had kids, she wouldn't have money to buy them shoes. Very harsh but true. She left him and we all told him no more cash. He was in a residential centre for 3 months after this. That was 3 years ago and we think he's still clean. It's hard with gamblers, they can be very charming and endearing. I suppose they have to be really.

ClaraDeLaNoche Sat 07-Sep-13 17:38:49

If everyone keeps bailing him out, he will keep on doing it. Tell him this is the last time, and if he does it again he is out. You have to follow through and you have to tell his friends and family to stop giving him money as well. He needs dedicated help, perhaps residential. There is a great place in Dudley. It's trite but true- he needs to hit rock bottom before he will be committed to change.

ageofgrandillusion Sat 07-Sep-13 16:13:19

Goldmandra - he knew perfectly well that what he was doing was theft. He also knew perfectly well that there was a good chance his gambles wouldnt pay off. But he still proceeded with his actions. This is why at some level this guy - like so many gamblers - is deeply selfish and self centred.

Goldmandra Sat 07-Sep-13 15:32:07

In his head he didn't steal the money though. He borrowed it with the intentional making it bigger. That's what gambling addictions are about.

OP, could you have the conversation with his mother together? In order to recover he has to be open with his family and his mother needs to be aware of the consequences of trusting him with money.

Getting advice from people who have experienced this themselves is a good idea. Contact Gamcare next week and see if they can suggest things you hadn't considered.

ageofgrandillusion Sat 07-Sep-13 15:24:13

Nicked money from child, end of. He's a massively selfish twat, his 'addiction' cannot be remotely blamed, he did it because he wanted to. Not sure why you're with this guy OP. I also think you are being monumentally naive to think you have a cat in hell's chance of changing him.

calmingtea Sat 07-Sep-13 08:05:39

He stole your child's uniform money. He stole money for food and bills from you. You are controlling and enabling his habit. I agree that addiction is a mental illness of sorts, but also one that can devastate families, destroy partners and to be honest the addict themselves needs to want to change you can not do it for them (and often they will lie about wanting to change to appease their partner).

I can not get over that he stole uniform money from a child. That is utterly appalling, what sort of father does that? What consequences happened from that, or has he been told off and got a get out of jail free card by appeasing you and giving you a bit of his saved up bicycle money (to be honest that smacks a little of what I would get a child to do- giving up pocket money). Other than you controlling finances (which is practical, but obviously not working and very codependent and unhealthy for you), what boundaries are there? I feel for you, your relationship sounds like very hard work.

picnicfantasic Fri 06-Sep-13 20:58:00

Hey Pimms

I have been where you are and would second Attilla's advice totally.

I did go to Gamcare (1:1 sessions, free obv, for a few months) and found them so helpful. They focus on YOU, rather than the gambler, which is probably where all your efforts and energy are currently aimed.

My gamcare person also told me that (whether conciously or not, I don't know) gamblers very often end up with very capable, organised, efficient partners. This sounds like you.

However it also means that you are a very capable, efficient and organised enabler for his gambling. It took me a long time for this message to sink in.

I am now getting divorced.

Best wishes

PimmsOclockisNow Fri 06-Sep-13 13:01:24

lots to think about. It is a insidious addiction thats for sure.

What would your advice be to someone else in this position?.

I would argue that if there is no trust and intimacy there is really no relationship now to hold onto.

What do you want to teach your child about relationships, what is she learning from the two of you here?. This whole role model is not an ideal one for her to see at all, children are profoundly affected emotionally by problem gambling within families.

His gambling could ultimately leave you penniless and homeless, many families of problem gamblers have ended up losing everything.
You have to protect your own self ultimately emotionally and financially.
Putting anything off is not an option as well as neither helping you or your DD.

I would also suggest you read "Codependency No More" written by Melodie Beattie. You talk about guilt but your family is already damaged by his actions.

I would seriously consider getting some support in place for your own self asap hence me mentioning Gamcare to you. They also help people affected by gambling. I would talk to the NHS clinic as well that your H is attending as a matter of course. DO they know that he relapsed yesterday?.

What your DH says and what he will actually do are two very separate things. I would speak to his mother and ask her not to forward any money onto him but to use your account instead.

It may be that he will not ultimately fully recover from gambling, it will require a herculean effort on his part never to gamble again. He cannot do any gambling at all, even "social gambling". You have to bear that uncomfortable fact in mind.

You cannot afford to risk your own health and sanity long term on a man who yesterday put gambling first and foremost in his life.

PimmsOclockisNow Fri 06-Sep-13 11:02:37

Thank for replying - so far I have not done any organised support for myself - not sure why but a bit like going on a diet i always tell my self i will do it tommrow. I have been to some information evenings at the NHS gambling clinic but think you are right I need to work out my part in all of this. I think there is a co-dependancy or at least facilitation (I always sort the mess out etc etc) thing definatley and I need to understand what this means.

In answer to your questions - yes I know the full extent - it all came out last year and have got quite a few things in place but have realised I need to do more and have booked an appointment with the finance adviser at the NHS clinic.

He tried to tell his mother to contact me for account details but she had to go and forgot to ring back and so used one she had on her internet bank from a time when he 'borrowed' money for gambling last year. DH thinks he should tell her what he done, explain that he is paying me back with some money put aside for his cycling gear and to reiterate aways to deal with me when money is concerned. Does that sound reasonable but also how do I know he has had that conversation?

The reason I dont choose to LTB is that I feel that any addiction is a mental illness of sorts and I wouldnot leave him if he got deppression, bipolar etc etc. It has left our relationship in a wierd sort of place (no trust, intimacy etc etc) but that can be worked on - where there is a chance I personally think you should try. We also have a DD and I cant bring myself to break her heart and totally selfishly the guilt would be the end of me. I certainly havent ruled it out but at the moment its not the answer.

You need also to consider the effects on your child, not that you probably have not already. She is also being profoundly affected here by her dad's gambling; he gambled away the money that was supposed to be for her school uniform.

Are you yourself talking to Gamcare; they also deal with partners of problem gamblers. At the very least as well you need outside support too.

Do you actually know the full scale of his losses?.

The gambler has to take sole responsibility for their actions; anyone else who tries to carry it does not help either the gambler or their own self. Your mother made a mistake in transferring money into his account and that goes without saying. Does she herself know what your H did with those funds meant for your DDs school uniform?.

Presumably you have a sole bank account of your own?. You certainly need to protect your own financial assets and that includes the property you reside in particularly if it is mortgaged. He could well end up leaving you and your DD penniless.

It may ultimately be that everything you try will not work out. He may well relapse again so what will you do next time?.

I would read up on co-dependency as this is often a feature within such relationships.

Why do you not want to leave him?. Genuine question.

PimmsOclockisNow Fri 06-Sep-13 09:55:58

Hello. My DH is a problem gambler, was in recovery since Jan 2013 but relapsed yesterday. He attends GA meetings every week, and is being seen by the National Problem Gambling Clinic.

Yesterday his mum transferred some money into his account (he has a very restriced bank account) for our DD school uniform. Instead of calling me to get it transferred out he gambled it, then he chased his losses by conning the bank lady to give him some money out of our joint account.

I know i need to tighten up the financial controls for my piece of mind. And please dont tell me to LTB as thats not part of my strategy.

So finally getting to my question......I have seen lots of people on here feel that the gambler needs to take responsibility themselves for their actions and sort the mess out and also to make amends. Do they need to decide to that themseves, come up with what to do themselves or can i suggest things? ALso what do you think those actions may be?

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