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Fiance cheated at the start of relationship - now what?

(160 Posts)
blindsidedme Thu 05-Sep-13 20:14:07

Long time lurker, first time poster here - Please give me some advice, I literally have no idea what to do next.

Background: DP and I got together three years ago. Only the month before that he'd come out of a tempestuous 4 year relationship with a woman who cheated* on him and he was feeling a little burned, so perhaps understandably, he was a little cautious at first, but the relationship went from strength to strength. (*I'm certain this is what really happened, not just his version of events - we work in the same field and she's well known to be a nightmare!)

Fast forward three years, and DP proposes - I'm overjoyed, it feels right, and I can't imagine spending my life with anyone else. Last night, we threw an engagement party for family and friends. At the end of the night, I'm in the toilet cubicle, when my fiance's brother's wife walks in with her best friend - they're drunk and talking about me, obviously thinking I've already gone home, and the conversation goes along the lines of: "Do you think we should tell her?"/ "I'd want to know if it was me" / "I don't know, I don't think we should get involved,", etc.

I come out of the toilet, asking what the hell's going on - they're mortified - anyway, I eventually get it out of them that DP cheated on me 4 months into the relationship while on a lad's holiday in Barcelona. DP's brother's wife has known about this all along and was disgusted by it, but had not met me at the time it happened, our friendship has grown since.

I confront DP about this and eventually he admitted it (like he had a choice!), insisting it was just a one night stand, he was drunk, etc. He's begging me to forgive him, saying he'd never do that now, that this was at the start of our relationship, when he still had his guard up - he daren't believe that what we had would last and he feared I'd break his trust just like his ex did, that he's an idiot, etc.

I want to believe him, but this wasn't just a few weeks into our relationship - it was 4 months - we'd had the conversation about being exclusive, we'd recently said the big "L" word, he was talking about introducing me to his family, which he did a couple of months after his holiday.

I've told him I need space to think - he's gone to stay with a friend. Our relationships been wonderful, no other red flags whatsoever - at the back of my mind I've often thought "this is too good to be true"! - well yeah, it was! Now I feel like the last three years have been a lie.

I still love him, and part of me wishes I'd never found out. Another part of me thinks: he's kept this from my fir 2 1/2 years - how can I ever trust him again? I feel foolish, livid and completely dumbfounded.

Has anyone out there been in this situation before? How did you cope? Did you end it or try and make it work?

Thank you x

Letsadmitit Tue 10-Sep-13 08:04:34

I am still wondering what was the hidden agenda of the SIL and friend who sought to inform you about this on the night of your engagement party. Why so late and why on that night? I wouldn't want that woman anywhere near to me if I were you.

But good luck in rebuilding your life in the next months. It is not going to be easy but I am a firm believer that things happen for a reason and that reason is normally the best one in the long term. So wait and see, you just avoided something that could have caused a lot of damage or there something much better for you waiting to happen in the future.

saffronwblue Tue 10-Sep-13 00:15:10

Well done OP. It is no longer relevant to you but this will send a very strong and interesting message to DP's whole group who kept the secret, about what is important and what your values are.

Hissy Mon 09-Sep-13 19:49:10

Well done.

I'm sure life will find it's way of making all this up to you!

lottieandmia Mon 09-Sep-13 17:44:46

I admire you for being so strong OP, well done thanks

DownstairsMixUp Mon 09-Sep-13 15:27:53

Well done OP, I can imagine you do feel awful but time is a great healer! I totally agree with the choice you made, I hope you find someone in time who deserves you!

MissDD1971 Mon 09-Sep-13 15:21:37

OP trust me you made the right decision. Good luck. Can't have been easy to end it.

AllOverIt Mon 09-Sep-13 10:03:15

Wow! Well done OP. Hope you feel better soon smile

Silverfoxballs Mon 09-Sep-13 09:52:05

I think you did the right thing. I think you would have spent your entire married life on edge.

When it comes to sibling loyalty one of my sisters has appalling behaviour and even I who tried to still love her cannot have anything to do with her anymore.

AnyFucker Mon 09-Sep-13 09:41:02

Well done for being so clear that this was something that you would never have been able to brush under the carpet

JoinYourPlayfellows Mon 09-Sep-13 09:32:25

Wow, well done for being so clear in your own mind what you want.

I think I would still be hoping there was a wand somebody could wave that could make it never have happened.

MN Relationships board does a good line in supporting people through breakups, so keep posting if you want to smile

cloudskitchen Mon 09-Sep-13 09:09:39

You are very strong. Well done. That can't have been easy x

blindsidedme Mon 09-Sep-13 09:06:22

An update: I ended the relationship. I wasn't sure what I was going to do until he came round to pick up some of his stuff at the weekend, but seeing him clarified things - he felt like a stranger to me and there's no going back.

My wonderful friends and family have made me realise it's not too late to start again and I deserve better than his deceit, however much he regrets it. Better to walk away now than when I'm tied to him through marriage, kids and a mortgage - we're only renting at the moment and I have a career a love which gives me financial independence.

God, I can't believe how pragmatic I'm being about this. The realisation I've come to is if I stay with him I'll always be second guessing his every move and I just can't live like that - as much as it hurts to leave him, I just know it will hurt for even longer if I go on knowing what he's done.

I'm coming down with a really bad cold now and physically feel horrendous, but I know I'll get through this.

AllOverIt Mon 09-Sep-13 06:12:36

How are you OP?

JoinYourPlayfellows Sun 08-Sep-13 08:09:11

Marriage is not hard.

Good relationships are easy.

Don't be convinced to live a pointlessly difficult life keeping a relationship going because you think they are suppose to be "hard work".

ghostmummy Sat 07-Sep-13 23:20:19

Try and make it work if you love each other, if that is the thing that makes you stronger and the worst that you go through you will have a great future. Marriage is hard, relationships are hard, but if the foundation is there get through it !

Writerwannabe83 Sat 07-Sep-13 09:49:12

That sounds awful Narcy - does your DH/DP know how much it still hurts you or do you not really talk about it? x

narcyoneyouare Sat 07-Sep-13 09:44:12

Same thing happened to me OP - years on I still think about it and it still cuts me up.

If I'd known how much it would effect me and for how long, I'd have ended it when I found out. So sorry x

Writerwannabe83 Sat 07-Sep-13 09:39:25

Like I said, it wasn't easy being bridesmaid but what option did I have? Just tell her I didn't want to do it and not give a reason why? They got married 2 years after the betrayal had occurred, it would have seemed a bit illogical that I'd suddenly tell her then when I'd already decided to keep quiet and had done for that period of time?

HollyShort Sat 07-Sep-13 09:31:15

I'm sorry if you feel that you're being got at writer, you have been put in an awful situation by the pair of them and you've certainly given your loyalty to the wrong people. That you could be a bridesmaid at such a sham of a marriage just beggars belief. I think what has got mine and others backs upside the way your original post glossed over the hideous betrayal and presented it as being all wonderful now and no harm done. What would you do if your friend told you she had doubts about his fidelity? I highly doubt you'd tell her the truth about him so in reality the poor girl has no one she can trust.

perfectstorm Sat 07-Sep-13 09:00:23

Wannabe I don't think you were in a position to win, whatever you did. Horrible situation and not one of your making. Life is not as easy as it looks when living it, and I don't think the judgement of you is fair, either. You didn't do anything wrong and the sinning party was your own sister.

Writerwannabe83 Sat 07-Sep-13 08:56:38

Thanks Cloud and lazyjaney for your support.

Holly - I don't know they have always been faithful, all I can do is hope. Like I said, if it had been some random girl he had slept with I would have told my friend straight away, but it just wasn't that simple. If my sister hadn't have been in a relationship and had a child, then who knows, maybe I would have said something. I guess I just didn't want to break up my sister's family on what I only hope was a one-off drunken mistake. They both did a really shitty thing but at the time I felt like I had no choice but to keep quiet and I also hope she never finds out what they did. I'm sure she won't, I doubt they have any intention of telling her.

I appreciate that some people may not have agreed with decision I made, but until it actually happens to you and you know such an awful secret which means your loyalties are split between two people who mean everything to you, it can be very easy to judge from the sidelines.

AllOverIt Sat 07-Sep-13 08:43:23

What an awful situation sad it would be a deal breaker for me, even though it would break my heart. You both need to get yourself checked out health-wise at the very least. I don't think I could get past it.

Be kind to yourself. Stop worrying what other people will think. It's him that's the fool, not you

HollyShort Sat 07-Sep-13 08:41:16

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP. take your time and don't rush into any decisions.

writer how do you know he or your sister have always been faithful? You only found out because you caught them. They would not have told you otherwise. My grandma always said that real love was being able to tell someone the worst of you and they loved you anyway, you've all stolen the chance of your friend finding real love and I hope that she never finds out that her marriage is a total sham.

cloudskitchen Sat 07-Sep-13 08:24:22

To op, I have already given an opinion up thread and I hope you are ok.

Writerwannabe83 what an awful position you were in. I can quite honestly say that I have no idea what I would have done in your situation.

Lazyjaney Sat 07-Sep-13 06:41:25

I think this sort of last hurrah at the start of a big new relationship is more common than you'd think, but most people keep schtum and don't brag about tapping off. That to me makes the difference here.

Also those pious types crapping on wannabe, I wonder what they would actually do in her situation.

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