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Fiance cheated at the start of relationship - now what?

(160 Posts)
blindsidedme Thu 05-Sep-13 20:14:07

Long time lurker, first time poster here - Please give me some advice, I literally have no idea what to do next.

Background: DP and I got together three years ago. Only the month before that he'd come out of a tempestuous 4 year relationship with a woman who cheated* on him and he was feeling a little burned, so perhaps understandably, he was a little cautious at first, but the relationship went from strength to strength. (*I'm certain this is what really happened, not just his version of events - we work in the same field and she's well known to be a nightmare!)

Fast forward three years, and DP proposes - I'm overjoyed, it feels right, and I can't imagine spending my life with anyone else. Last night, we threw an engagement party for family and friends. At the end of the night, I'm in the toilet cubicle, when my fiance's brother's wife walks in with her best friend - they're drunk and talking about me, obviously thinking I've already gone home, and the conversation goes along the lines of: "Do you think we should tell her?"/ "I'd want to know if it was me" / "I don't know, I don't think we should get involved,", etc.

I come out of the toilet, asking what the hell's going on - they're mortified - anyway, I eventually get it out of them that DP cheated on me 4 months into the relationship while on a lad's holiday in Barcelona. DP's brother's wife has known about this all along and was disgusted by it, but had not met me at the time it happened, our friendship has grown since.

I confront DP about this and eventually he admitted it (like he had a choice!), insisting it was just a one night stand, he was drunk, etc. He's begging me to forgive him, saying he'd never do that now, that this was at the start of our relationship, when he still had his guard up - he daren't believe that what we had would last and he feared I'd break his trust just like his ex did, that he's an idiot, etc.

I want to believe him, but this wasn't just a few weeks into our relationship - it was 4 months - we'd had the conversation about being exclusive, we'd recently said the big "L" word, he was talking about introducing me to his family, which he did a couple of months after his holiday.

I've told him I need space to think - he's gone to stay with a friend. Our relationships been wonderful, no other red flags whatsoever - at the back of my mind I've often thought "this is too good to be true"! - well yeah, it was! Now I feel like the last three years have been a lie.

I still love him, and part of me wishes I'd never found out. Another part of me thinks: he's kept this from my fir 2 1/2 years - how can I ever trust him again? I feel foolish, livid and completely dumbfounded.

Has anyone out there been in this situation before? How did you cope? Did you end it or try and make it work?

Thank you x

JoinYourPlayfellows Mon 09-Sep-13 09:32:25

Wow, well done for being so clear in your own mind what you want.

I think I would still be hoping there was a wand somebody could wave that could make it never have happened.

MN Relationships board does a good line in supporting people through breakups, so keep posting if you want to smile

AnyFucker Mon 09-Sep-13 09:41:02

Well done for being so clear that this was something that you would never have been able to brush under the carpet

Silverfoxballs Mon 09-Sep-13 09:52:05

I think you did the right thing. I think you would have spent your entire married life on edge.

When it comes to sibling loyalty one of my sisters has appalling behaviour and even I who tried to still love her cannot have anything to do with her anymore.

AllOverIt Mon 09-Sep-13 10:03:15

Wow! Well done OP. Hope you feel better soon smile

MissDD1971 Mon 09-Sep-13 15:21:37

OP trust me you made the right decision. Good luck. Can't have been easy to end it.

DownstairsMixUp Mon 09-Sep-13 15:27:53

Well done OP, I can imagine you do feel awful but time is a great healer! I totally agree with the choice you made, I hope you find someone in time who deserves you!

lottieandmia Mon 09-Sep-13 17:44:46

I admire you for being so strong OP, well done thanks

Hissy Mon 09-Sep-13 19:49:10

Well done.

I'm sure life will find it's way of making all this up to you!

saffronwblue Tue 10-Sep-13 00:15:10

Well done OP. It is no longer relevant to you but this will send a very strong and interesting message to DP's whole group who kept the secret, about what is important and what your values are.

Letsadmitit Tue 10-Sep-13 08:04:34

I am still wondering what was the hidden agenda of the SIL and friend who sought to inform you about this on the night of your engagement party. Why so late and why on that night? I wouldn't want that woman anywhere near to me if I were you.

But good luck in rebuilding your life in the next months. It is not going to be easy but I am a firm believer that things happen for a reason and that reason is normally the best one in the long term. So wait and see, you just avoided something that could have caused a lot of damage or there something much better for you waiting to happen in the future.

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