Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT: This thread hasn't been posted on for a while.
I need some help to make sense of this and because I'm massively overreacting. (Incredibly long and boring).(12 Posts)
We've talked again tonight, or rather I shouted and he listened. he swears he didn't do anything else, I don't know whether I believe him or not TBH. I want to, but well I don't want to be a bloody fool either.
I've told him that I don't trust him now, but there's not much of a relationship without trust is there? Said to him that I don't want to be in the type of relationship were I'm constantly checking up on him, and feeling anxious when he does go out. Nor do I want to control where he goes and when, it's just not healthy.
I need space from him, so I can make sense of it all and the way I'm feeling. I don't think we'll split up (18 years is a long time) but for now I need to be away from him for a bit. He can't move out, (literally has nowhere to go - no family, his brother lives on the other side of the country, no close friends) so he's sleeping on the couch for the foreseeable future. There will definitely be no sex for a while I can't stand to have him near me physically.
Poor you op. theres nothing worse then finding out your dh had been out drinking and ogling girls whilst you have been home caring for his children. He wanted women to chat him up, well really that was never going to happen as most women in bars etc expect the guys to make the move first.
Don't blame your self esteem for this, most women would feel low knowing that their dh was out ogling women and if they weren't then why not! He has shown you little respect.
Yes we all like to feel attractive and we all find others attractive, but to actively pursue it is not appropriate.
What else do you think he did?
Is the niggling thing about his wedding ring? What married man "forgets" to wear his wedding ring? It's just on and that's it.
What does he say he would have done if one of these women had been interested in him?
I don't blame you for the niggling feeling op, he may not have cheated but he definitely wanted something to happen on the stag do
Thank you all for replying. I'll be honest I'm feeling quite confused. There's something niggling at me. We've spoken about it more and I've asked him if there's anything he hasn't told me, he says no. I want to believe him, but something is just bugging the crap out of me! Could he have gone to a strip club and is now lying that he didn't? The whole thing is driving me up the wall!
I feel for you, OP (been there myself) and I think you should see a therapist to work on your self-esteem. It is really important and I am confident that this alone may drastically improve your marriage!
He flirted to get attention and to make me jealous so I'd notice him.
This sounds like bollocks. He's excusing himself of any responsibility by blaming you.
I'm wondering why he told you in great detail about his ogling. Sounds to me like he wants you unsure and anxious to keep you on your toes.
And it IS a big deal actually. You don't need to feel happy that he hasn't cheated, this would be the bare minimum that you should expect.
You don't need a grip - you need a husband who will treat you with the respect you deserve.
How would he feel if you started flirting with other men? Ogling them in the street? Its crass and distasteful and not all men do it.
He gives himself permission to treat you badly, some men feel they are "owed" the great sex with a hot young woman and no repercussions because society told them they could expect this.
You are not worthless, he should worship the body that gave him his children. Does he do anything to make you feel beautiful? Tell you daily you are amazing and special? Does he tell you he is proud of you?
You say he has been a great support whilst you have had a family troubles? So he does know how to behave really? Just not when it comes to his dick and his ego which to him appear much more important than your self esteem.
You should never feel 2nd best in a relationship, don't let your self esteem warp you into thinking you are unreasonable. Some women do this - apologise for being themselves when men treat them poorly. He is the reason you have low self esteem, does he not feel remorse for doing that to you.
Sorry for the long post, it pains me to read posts like this it really does.
I'm not going to say LTB, but i would recommend going out, getting a haircut, looking up some CBT for your self esteem and try to build a confident, take no shit, expect better attitude.
How are you feeling today, OP?
Op it sounds as if your self-esteem is really rock-bottom. You have been holding it together for so long with dp, your mum, the dds, - and you have suddenly found a trigger for the pent-up feelings.
You say you don't actually think he's cheated and that you are over-reacting with his 'flirting'. He sounds as if he has tried to apologise for flirting on FB and at work - and to be honest, most people do flirt at work and in the pub. If he doesn't go out much anyway, I think you have over-reacted - but as I say, it's more of a blow-out than 'real' IYSWIM.
I also get a bit OTT when my dp goes out (but he does have form for inappropriate behaviour, such as following girls home 'to make sure they get home ok' (he's a old-fashioned guy!) and gets into trouble for it) and I tell him it's because I love him that i get jealous and touchy. If you didn't have feelings for dp you wouldn't care who he flirts with.
I don't have any advice other than - you know what you are doing, and if you can work out why, it's a big step.
I apologise for the vast length of this especially because it's very trivial compared to the amount of shit a lot of you have to deal with on the relationships board. Huge glass of to anyone who makes it to the end without needing a nap half way through.
Background is been with DH 18 years, married 14 years, 3 dds (20, 10 and 6). Mostly a happy relationship although we've had our fair share of ups and downs, but on the whole he's my best friend and the one person I thought I could trust implicitly. We've always had very good communication and generally talk through most things with each other.
There have been some issues in the past with his "interest" in other women or rather a bit of flirting, wandering eye and some porn. These are things that I have NOT been ok with and have told him so. They have tended to only occur when we're going through a bad time, either as a couple or individually. First time was about 15 years ago, we'd been together 2 years at that point and I wasn't sure whether a long term relationship was exactly what I wanted at that point in my life (I was only 18 at the time). We went on separate holidays that year, and for me it was pretty much to decide if I actually wanted to continue the relationship or not. Obviously I chose to stay with him when I came back but it turned out that whilst away he'd had a bit of a snog (nothing more - he says) with a bar maid whilst away. (Holidays were really tame affairs, his in Edinburgh to do a martial arts display at the festival with his martial arts group and mine with a friend in Blackpool). It hurt that he had kissed someone else, but under the circumstances I could understand why he did it. He said he was convinced I was going to end it when we got back, so I forgave him and we moved on.
Fast forward another 8 years and I was pregnant with dd2 and found him using porn. At the time we were going through a massive amount of stress - pregnancy wasn't planned, we were living in the shittiest house known to man, he had not long lost his job, DSD had turned into Kevin the teenager, his mother had just become very ill and was in hospital, dd1 was 3 and was incredibly difficult to deal with - tantrums off the charts, not very verbal at all, very subdued and couldn't be left with anyone but me or DH (would scream the place down) so we had absolutely no time together as a couple. We now know she is Autistic but at the time had no idea whatsoever. He knew I hated porn, wasn't comfortable with it, from both a feminist point of view and I saw it as cheating, so when I caught him I hit the roof. What got me at the time though was I was incredibly horny all the time due to pregnancy hormones yet it still wasn't enough! Somehow we worked through it and he promised to stop. At the time I just had to believe him because I was pregnant and under immense pressure looking after dd1 all day.
Then when dd2 was a few months old I caught him with the porn again. I had PND by this point and was hardly even thinking about sex let alone having it so I suppose I felt guilty in a way. (Although he never put pressure on me to have sex). His mother was still in hospital, he was still unemployed and dd1 had started nursery but couldn't be left so he'd end having to spend the session with her 5 days a week. My mother was interfering more than ever before (had always been a problem, but now was horrendous). And DSD had decided at 14 that staying out over night and not telling us where she was on a regular basis was perfectly acceptable. So again I hit the roof but let it go.
Then fast forward another few years, we've finally managed to move house, he has a job, dd1 was a little easier to handle now she was in school. But our relationship was practically falling apart, I think the stress of everything from the past few years just caught up with us and we took it out on each other. He was more interested in his new workmates and I wasn't in the least bit interested in him really, was very focused on the kids and my mother was constantly in my bloody ear. We argued all the time! He started flirting, a lot! Both in real life with new female workmates and online on FB. It was almost painful to watch it play out on my timeline on FB. At one point one girl asked him "Oh X why did you ever get married"? Yeah we rowed about that one. I was at the end of my tether, so was he. We finally decided to have a trial separation because we were killing each other (metaphorically). But when it hit me that he would be moving out I couldn't do it, I didn't want him to go. I sobbed, cried etc. He said up until that point he thought I didn't love him anymore, that I was just going through the motions. He flirted to get attention and to make me jealous so I'd notice him. Not exactly mature, but after everything we'd had going on, understandable. So we decided to make a go of it again. We had a few sessions with Relate which helped, he promised he would stop with the flirting, gave me full access to his FB, laptop and phone until I felt I could trust him again.
And he did stop. We've been great ever since, that was 4 years ago. We hardly ever even argue now, if we do it's only about who's turn it is to do the dishes or something as trivial. We're a team, always back each other up, always talk things through. Until...he went on a friend's stag night on Saturday night. Wasn't a big one and he doesn't often go out (once every few months). I said to him beforehand (because after reading it on here enough times I wanted it to be very clear) that I wasn't ok with strip clubs and if he went to one I classed it as cheating. He promised he wouldn't go near one (and as far as I know kept his promise).
Whilst he was out I had a really weird feeling, uncomfortable is the only way to describe it really. I was convinced he would go to a strip club, or cheat. I have no idea why, we've been good for so long now and I've never been bothered when he's been on nights out before. I checked to see if he'd worn his wedding ring, he hadn't. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing as he's very forgetful and often forgets to wear it on a daily basis anyway, but it really bothered me. He came home in the early hours, obviously pissed, but nothing out of the ordinary.
The next day he was far more attentive than usual, which made me suspicious, like he felt guilty, that coupled with my feelings from the night before and a few weird comments he made I was convinced he'd cheated. Later that night I got myself all worked up and ended up in tears (stupid cow ), he said he was sorry. He hadn't cheated or been to a strip club but had been properly looking at other women - I know we all look but he said he wanted them to notice him and he actually got a bit upset that none of them chatted him up. He swears he never chatted them up or cheated etc. And I believe him (I think). He's very sorry and is sucking up to me like you wouldn't believe.
So, I should be happy that he never cheated right? And although he did some ogling it's not the end of the world, yet why do I feel as shite as I do? I feel like a fool. I'm at home with his kids whilst he's out and ogling loads of sexy women. I mean I'm not exactly at my best physically anymore (7 years after my last baby I still have 5 stone of baby weight to lose ). My self esteem isn't normally very high anyway but this has made me feel worthless, I feel crushed.
And I keep asking myself why? Why now? Our relationship is the best it's ever been, the kids (all 3 of them) are doing better than ever now, so why now? I have in the last month finally gone no contact with my Narcissistic mother, and he's been a massive support, my rock. I've found it really hard, my sister has stopped talking to me, I have no friends because my mother managed to isolate me so much and he's really been there for me. I feel like he's waited until I'm at my most vulnerable and kicked me while I'm down. (I know that it's not really like that, but that's how I feel). He can give no explanation for why he did what he did, because normally he's not like that at all when out.
And I know it's really not a big deal. So why the hell has it upset so much? Last night I started screaming at him that he was a shit, he made me feel worthless and if wasn't for that fact that he had no where to go I'd kick him out. He just sat there and took it, and kept repeating that he was sorry.
He doesn't deserve me screaming at him like that, or saying those things to him, so why do I feel like I want to bloody kill him with my bare hands whilst being devastated that he's looking at other women instead of me?
Can someone please give me a good slap across the face and tell me to get a bloody grip!
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.