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Have I over reacted? Is this something that others would accept and move on from?

(45 Posts)
gingerbreadshoes Thu 05-Sep-13 19:46:18

Dp had an EA with a friend of a friend of his earlier in the year. Told me he wasn't in love with me and was unhappy etc. I asked for specific examples and I believed we were working on these.

Fast forward to now, found out he had been in contact with numerous other local (unknown) women on a fuck.buddy site. Asked him to leave as I couldn't trust him and he said he liked the attention and was still unhappy.

Found out today that the female friend of his and ow has told him that it was ok as he didn't physically do anything and if her dp had done it she would want to ask him why and work through it. She also went on to say that IHO I hadn't been paying him enough attention.

So, have I over reacted by asking him to give me some space? I thought we were doing ok and things had improved since the first time. I obviously wanted it to work the first time and I really thought he was being honest with me about his feelings which is something he struggles with.

We are going to see a counsellor which from what I can tell he hasn't told her this as when she mentioned it to him he said he couldn't see me agreeing to it.

Admittedly we didn't have sex very often (18 month bf ds) but we rarely went to bed at the same time as he liked to stay up later. On the occasions I instigated it he turned me down and the last time he was unable to keep his erection.

Right now I feel awful because I think people see this as all my fault and that it was inevitable for a man in his position and that I should be grateful that he didn't have a physical relationship with anyone.

Fairenuff Thu 05-Sep-13 19:53:18

He had an EA within the last 8 months, you both decided to work on your relationship, then you discovered more infidelity and asked him to leave, which he did and today you have heard that someone else told him it was ok to cheat. Have I got that in a nutshell?

It doesn't matter if it wasn't physical, btw, it's still cheating and, no, it's not your fault, its his. He is the one who cheated, not you, right?

So, no, you are not overreacting. You are well shot of him.

No, I don't think you should be grateful at all. Not your fault if he's going on these sites when you are supposed to be working through it. That is a very onesided commitment, and it does not look like it's coming from him.
Don't think you over reacted. it's a breach of trust, again, and space is needed.

LynetteScavo Thu 05-Sep-13 19:54:00

He's said he doesn't love you.

I wouldn't bother with counselling.

It really doesn't matter what other people think. No one else will ever really know what goes on between two people.

gingerbreadshoes Thu 05-Sep-13 19:58:56

Thank you, I know no one else will ever know but it hurts when I am being totally honest with my friends about what happened and it seems as though he isn't with his.

I can't imagine that if she was in the same situation she would be ok with it. She has a different approach to her relationship in that she has to be in constant contact with her dp and shares the majority of his hobbies whereas I don't as I feel it's good to have time apart.

gingerbreadshoes Thu 05-Sep-13 20:00:47

fairenuff that is the gist of it all. But to her it's not classed as cheating so it is acceptable therefore I am the one with the problem.

Fairenuff Thu 05-Sep-13 20:03:33

Of course she does, she is friends with the ow. She is not your friend.

And she's wrong anyway.

The second word in the phrase 'emotional affair' is the clue.

georgedawes Thu 05-Sep-13 20:06:09

I think you're under reacting.

gingerbreadshoes Thu 05-Sep-13 20:08:21

georgedawes what do you think I should be doing?

I am currently employing the silent but deadly approach in that it's not how I reacted the first time and I think he is finding it quite unnerving to be around me smile

Snazzyenjoyingsummer Thu 05-Sep-13 20:17:03

You know what? When it's her marriage, she gets to decide what is acceptable to her. When it's your marriage, you decide. Don't listen to people who, as Fairenuff said, are not your friend and have a vested interest in making you out to be the bad guy.

FYI, I think you are completely reasonable to ask for space and you would be still reasonable in going further and ending the marriage altogether. When does your counselling start?

georgedawes Thu 05-Sep-13 20:19:40

I'm not having a go. From what you've said he sounds a bastard and I think you'd be better off without him. Sorry if that sounds harsh but you deserve better.

gingerbreadshoes Thu 05-Sep-13 20:22:41

It starts next week. I have asked him again if he feels that lack of sex was a problem in it all and he said no.

He is unhappy with his life in general and believes that there is something better out there for him but he doesn't know what it is.

I also came up with things we could do together as a family but he was never very interested. I also stayed with family once or twice a month so he could have his own time but again this hasn't been enough.

He said he hadn't felt like I love him to which I said if I didn't I would have ended it the first time not tried to work through things.

He takes a great deal of notice to what this friend says anyway so she will know far more about me/our relationship than I ever will sad

HeySoulSister Thu 05-Sep-13 20:23:30

He won't ever stop with this kind of thing

Cut your losses is my advice

gingerbreadshoes Thu 05-Sep-13 20:24:37

georgedawes I honestly didn't think you were, it helps to see that other people believe I am being reasonable. I was asking in case there was more I could be doing rather than us ambling along away from one another.

Dahlen Thu 05-Sep-13 20:27:59

Did you actually hear this from her directly or relayed through your H? It has the ring of him saying, "look, even other women think you're over-reacting" as a means of excusing his behaviour.

Even if you heard it directly from her, as others have said, she is the friend of your H and his OW and therefore not exactly unbiased. Furthermore, what she thinks is completely irrelevant anyway. It's what you think that matters - it's your relationship.

Anyone who signs up to a fuckbuddy site while allegedly working on their relationship does not deserve the relationship. 0/10 for effort. How can he possibly be committed to the relationship when he's looking for new sexual partners at a time when you are trying to repair the damage he's already done after an EA less than 12 months previously!

georgedawes Thu 05-Sep-13 20:28:22

Glad you didn't think I was having a go. You sound nice, he sounds a prat (sorry but he does). He's not treated you with any respect whatsoever.

Squitten Thu 05-Sep-13 20:29:31

The fastest and most effective way to wake this man up is to give him exactly what he wants. Something better out there, is there? Show him the door and tell him to go and find it. What an insulting thing for him to say to you?!

How DARE he start exploring his options while keeping you and his child tagging along behind him until he's ready to dump you. I think you are being far TOO reasonable!

Fairenuff Thu 05-Sep-13 20:31:29

He doesn't want to be with you and you would certainly be better off without him eroding your self esteem day by day. You are worth more than what he has to offer.

gingerbreadshoes Thu 05-Sep-13 20:33:08

Lets just say I heard exactly what was said so I know what she was told by dp and her responses.

I have been coming to the conclusion this week that I am better off without him but it still hurts.

He only signed up to chat with them as he liked the attention they gave him. I have come to realise that he is very selfish and arrogant. I have been told in the past by a relation of his that he likes to play the victim and nothing is ever his fault, I'm starting to see this now.

ImperialBlether Thu 05-Sep-13 20:33:21

I'd give him all the freedom he wants and tell him to keep away and to keep his hypocritical, fawning little friends away, too.

He's horrible. How dare he treat you like that? If he wants to end it he should have the guts to tell you, not treat you badly and blame you for it.

There is a lovely man out there for you, but it's not the one who's currently in your home.

gingerbreadshoes Thu 05-Sep-13 20:35:27

Squitten that's why I have asked him to leave this time as before nothing much changed for him as I just shouted at him and that was that. This time he has had to leave ds behind, which isn't fair on ds but I haven't stopped him visiting at all.

Cabrinha Thu 05-Sep-13 20:39:12

So easy to throw in LTB.
I'm not saying this to be hurtful - but both a friend and I have been through being turned down for sex and husbands not maintaining erections. Turns out both were doing a lot more than just looking on places like fuckbuddy.
What you find, is usually not the whole story.
The ONLY way to make a relationship work after an issue like an EA is for both parties to be commited to trying.
Joining fuckbuddy is not showing commitment.
Honestly, cut your losses.
Don't bother about being different, silent, unnerving him. Just end it.
I'm glad I did - I also have a child so I know that makes it harder.
You are worth so much more than this.

sassy34264 Thu 05-Sep-13 20:43:50

my perspective.

the past and the present:

him
i dont know if i love you
i think there may be better out there
im not interested in sex with you
im not happy
im not willing to try the things you suggest

you
bending over backwards to try and make it work

future-counselling

him
she doesnt do this or that
i feel this and that

you
bending over backwards to try and make it work

him
im still not happy.

the best solution all round, whether you want to keep him or not, is to tell him to sling his hook. it may make him wake up or it may make you wake up and realise you are happier without him.

everyone cherishes the thing that was hard won over a thing they were given for free. make him work hard to get you. if he doesnt- well you'll know he wasnt worth it

captainmummy Thu 05-Sep-13 20:44:24

He sounds very immature - he doesn't like his life at the mo but doesn't know what else he wants. Apart from lots of women fawning over him and him playing the big I AM.

He is the one who will lose out on his ds; in the future when the women are older and wiser and he is alone in a bedsit... even then people like this think the world owes them everything.

Cabrinha Thu 05-Sep-13 20:45:27

Only signed up to chat? Bollocks.
I'm not having a go at you, I'm really not. I had years of this "only looking" bollocks before I kicked my useless scum ex into touch. (stayed because I thought you should work at relationships, then because we had a child - conceived when I stupidly - well, harsh - naïvely, hopefully - thought it was sorted).
Even if he has only chatted so far, he WILL do more.
He can cross the line of an EA, of sex talk on fuckbuddy... How well do you really think he'll stay the right side of the line after some sex talk online that ends with a woman saying "let's meet then - I only want sex and I'll never tell your wife". You already know you can't trust him.

Let him go.

I'm sorry you're having to go through this.

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