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Dh secret savings

(100 Posts)
Lotsofswearwords Thu 05-Sep-13 19:19:31

My lovely dh has always been a secretive bastard. Keeps all his papers, bank statements either in his office or under lock and key at home.
I tried snooping once and when I finally found the key to his filing cabinet I came across old love letters from his affair during his first marriage. I knew about her, but not about letters. No matter, you might be saying, its all in the past... But of course I'm not allowed same privilege, I have to get rid of such stuff! And being a very open person who doesn't hide things, I thought it better to chuck the lot. No regrets except anger at dh and his double standards.
Snooped today, actually on legit business, looking for online banking details of my and our joint accounts in the hope of being able to do this myself and not be forced to rely on dh. Same folder held details of an account worth about 15,000 pounds... Let me stress its not so much the money, its the secrecy and the actual lying to me that he has no spare cash. We put near equal amounts into joint account for utilities, he earns a lot more than me but pays maintence for dsd, school fees for dss... Any big expenditure we take out small loan together. I don't have a problem with this, I have own ds and even though I still feel like lp raising him, I'm capable and earn a wage.
Please tell me I'm being unreasonable in my anger, that its actually the done thing for married partners to keep loads of money secret.
Sorry for ranting.
When he takes me on trips he pretends to be generous by "paying for everything", but woe betide me if I don't chip in for eating out, entrance fees, etc. I've always been happy to do this, I've never ever been spoiled in my life, its in my nature to pay my way. But now I feel sick, all the time he has been pretending to be hard done by after divorce, high child support costs, etc. and there he is with a small fortune stashed away.
Btw, I'll be getting paid out a slightly lesser amount from an insurance in a few years. Yet dh knows all about this, I was offering to pay for a second bathroom in our house, just to show what's mine is yours!!! I feel such a fool.
Dh is coming home after a week long business trip tomorrow, at least that's what I'm lead to believe... Should I confront him or play dead?

Laska42 Thu 05-Sep-13 22:00:57

I think you always need to be able to respect (and trust) the man you sleep with...and he the woman he sleeps with . That's a fundamental in a good partnership .

( no civil partners/ SSps intented to be excluded her smile)

Lotsofswearwords Thu 05-Sep-13 22:01:57

And just because we're on the subject of second bathrooms, the need arose because there is a queue when all dc are here, especially when dsd, 16, is staying over. An absolutely natural requirement, i do understand, to hog bathroom in the mornings at this age, same as my ds, 15. But him I feel I can hurry on, her less so...it would seem mean or wicked stepmotherish.
I'd gladly have her stay more often during the week, but its a small house... There is the possibility of building a second bathroom next to her downstairs bedroom. We were seriously contemplating a loan for this! Turns out, dh could make everybody really happy here, but chooses not to.

onefewernow Thu 05-Sep-13 22:54:21

Secrecy in a marriage is not on.

Secrecy where you are not allowed it is abusive and/or controlling. End of.

Lotsofswearwords Fri 06-Sep-13 06:49:16

I was thinking about privacy this morning. But privacy is something you both agree on, like locking the toilet door. Or using the bedroom as opposed to the kitchen for getting changed.
I'm trying to stay calm and reasonable here.
Having read so many threads on cheating husbands, I feel I can liken this to an emotional affair.
I wish I had his nerve, to be able to face me in couple counseling to work at our marriage and be undermining it at the same time.
I realize I'm rambling now...
Oh well, off to work. I'm going to be thinking about trust next.

wearetheocean Fri 06-Sep-13 08:54:29

Hmm. I'm a very private person generally and I don't share as much with DH as other seem to, I don't agree with the blanket statement there is no place for secrets in a marriage at all. DH is a very open person like you, but I like to keep my boundaries and some level of distance in our relationship. It's not about control but just because I'm a private person and I keep things to myself a lot (I am like this with everyone, including friends and family so it's not just about how I am with DH). I'd hate him to read any of my MN posts, for example, even though I never say anything on here that I wouldn't say to his face.

I also have a separate savings account, with a similar amount to the OP's DH. It's partly my 'running away fund' (nothing in my relationship to suggest I need one, but I've needed one in the past and so I wouldn't feel secure without it), plus I might also need a sum to support my own DS (not DH's child) with his health/education (he has SN), and I'd want it to be funded separately from the household finances. I wonder if it might be linked to the fact that your dss is at private school - it is not a huge amount for someone funding private school (similar to a year's fees/activities for a senior school) and I can understand the wish to have a year's fees put away and to prioritise that above non-essential household improvements. And if your dsd is 16 then I expect she could have lots of things that your DH would want to fund (driving lessons/uni). I think it's quite common to keep finances more separate where there are stepchildren rather than joint dc

Having said that, I have never lied outright about having savings, it's just not been mentioned as we're able to fund our main expenses out of our joint income. DH doesn't discuss his own finances much, but keeps his paperwork freely available if I wanted to see it (I did look when we first got together, but it's always very boring and I don't bother now). I would never choose to get a loan though over spending savings, as it makes no sense financially.

somersethouse Fri 06-Sep-13 09:24:09

lotsof hope you are ok this morning. Having read your very sweet and thoughtful post about the bathroom I have changed my view for your situation (last night I said I thought it was ok to have a secret stash)

I think your situation is different from just having a secret stash, I think your husband is being dishonest.

You sound like a lovely person and stepmother. I hope you can resolve this with him, in that he listens to you and respects your point of view, he does sound unfair. flowers

whatsthepointofasking Fri 06-Sep-13 09:34:19

I wouldn't object to DH having 15k in an account not to be used. I would object to not knowing about it.

Snorbs Fri 06-Sep-13 09:48:05

Our next counseling session is coming up shortly and I felt uneasy because every time we solve a problem dh seems to come up with another, seemingly to keep me at arms length, while telling me he loves me ad nauseum.

Are these counselling sessions where you both get equal time to raise issues and have them discussed and resolved, or is it more just him raising a seemingly endless list of issues he has with you?

Val007 Fri 06-Sep-13 09:55:18

I am all for transparency and joint finances. Separate finances are just too much hard work and do not tie up with my idea of marriage. They impact on general trust in the relationship and brew too many unnecessary hard feelings. And no, DH is not the higher earner, but me! And yes, I have been burned by men and money issues in the past for being too trusting, but no, not willing to let this stand in the way of my belief that finances should be joint in a marriage.

Not sure if this is helpful to you though...

utreas Fri 06-Sep-13 11:09:23

If he is paying for school fees which are expensive then it seems prudent that he build up a reserve fund should his earning potential be compromised for some reason. As for you not knowing if the money is for this reason then why does it matter whether you know about it or not, it would make no difference to you in this circumstance.

Lotsofswearwords Fri 06-Sep-13 11:32:15

I do think it the knowing makes a difference.
Particularly as dh knows my financial situation, can check up on it online and on paper (and does) and knows about and reaps the benefit of property I own abroad (inherited family home) as we go there on holiday (he generously invited all my inlaws to go on holiday there too!).
It's just the feeling I can't shake that I'm being taken mildly for granted, used in a very subtle way and now have proof that I'm not a paranoid nitpicker.
I'm fine with sharing what I've got, and I'm fine with dh building a nest egg for himself (or securing children's education), but I'm not fine his doing so in secret. That's all. I'm not going to take it away from him and he knows me, he knows how I do things (I did not marry for money, neither first time nor second time. Dh was skint when we met and still I supported him and his kids when the situation with exw was a bIt hairy).

Now the tables have turned, his income has increased and as dss now lives 50:50 with us he pays maintenance for one child only. School fees for dss are practically negligible now.

I don't believe anything about his divorce anymore. Maybe exw took him to the cleaners because he was a tightfisted bastard all along.We don't talk (he absolutely forbade me to contact her when problems arose, said she'd only lie about him...).

Had a chat with a friend in RL this morning and she told me of a similar situation. Her friend earns little, they have 2 own kids and he has separate account and makes her ask for money. This sounds worse.

nostress Fri 06-Sep-13 12:49:24

My sister is in the same situation. And i get myself into rages about it.

In my own marriage we have a a joint bank account, he earns all the money & i deal with it. I'm not currently working, something he supports so that I can support the children. He basically has nothing to do with the money at all. In fact all the savings are in my name. Last week he got a big bonus and as soon as it was paid into the joint bank i transferred it into my own savings account. The reason for this is tax, it simply makes sense to have it in my name. He completely trusts me and so he should. I don't think i personally could be with someone who didn't have the same attitude. I would be so so shocked if he had a secret account.

Thinking about your husbands perspective i do think there are logical reasons to have it and still take out a loan. We have been advised to have enough money set asside to cover a years expenses in case of emergency. We have this in savings yet in the past we have taken out loans(mortgage) and not touched these funds. If you are written off sick for a long time you would find it difficult to take out loans. Better to have emergency funds accessible to cover it. It could be his desire to be able to support his family in difficult times. Although i still think he should have told you. If this is just a normal bank account then he would not be able to hide these funds in case of divorce.

AnyFucker Fri 06-Sep-13 12:54:35

I don't think your joint counselling is helping at all.

It's also rather interesting that you are "forbidden" to talk to his exW

I expect you will get a very different story from her

paperlantern Fri 06-Sep-13 13:38:33

I'm all for seperateness in finances, (I had appalling experiences with exH) BUT there MUST be openness and honesty as well.

YOU must not contribute equally if your income is unequal, as essentially allowing one partner to benefit financially from the other. You should be contributing proportionally, according to ability. No partner should be able to aquire 15000 out of JOINT funds without the other person knowing.

Retain separate control over your bank accounts,savings etc yes, (I would never have a joint account again). But both parties should be open with their partners having sight of all accounts AND wage slips so they know exactly where family money goes

paperlantern Fri 06-Sep-13 13:42:01

Yes you are being taken for granted and, worse.

Secret savings allow him a little nest egg that you have no idea about in case you ever divorce. You are paying for that "just in case" now

you are putting yourself in a very vulnerable position indeed

paperlantern Fri 06-Sep-13 13:43:14

Yes I'm pretty sure exH 2nd wife is forbidden from talking to me. I'd not only tell them I'd provide paper evidence as well grin

Lotsofswearwords Fri 06-Sep-13 16:17:09

Haha! What a bitter lot we are...

No, money isn't in an account, its in bonds (xeroxed it) I just checked the date and it appears the amount was originally put in a savings book, 2 years into our marriage (and him still poor mouthing). The change to savings bonds was made in May, this year, about half way through counseling (since January). Considering he has received more bonuses since then, and saved a packet on maintenance, its actually likely he has other assets hidden away too (I'm not snooping anymore, I feel sick just thinking about what I found now).

And yes, I'd also like to start saving again too, I've always had the odd savings book and teach my child to do the same.
But dh is saving this money because he contributes way under his earnings, forcing me to hand over more from my pay, so that I can't save at all now. And why are we spending so much? Mostly its supplying dcs (2 out of 3 are his) with whatever they want. and as they enjoy a rather privileged lifestyle, (mum and gps pretty wealthy) we of course need to keep up our end. How awful for them if they couldn't have special treats here too! And isn't dh lucky to have me pay half!
Sorry, rambling. It's not them I'm mad at. All the dc get on great and I see it as "paying rent for siblings" I could not previously provide ds smile

But dh is actively preventing me from building a nest egg for myself or ds. That is unfair, no matter how you look at it. Maybe I should make him pay for sex? He's always very eager and obviously atm I'm selling myself way too cheap... Then he can decide if he wants to wank alone for free or pay me, the maid/housekeeper/roommate/whatever-except-wife??

paperlantern Fri 06-Sep-13 17:04:24

yes you and your kids lifestyle is subsidising his savings.

also the way he has done it (if you were to divorce) would be very hard to track. 6 months of accounts wouldn't show a payment out. He just doesn't declare the bonds chances are you would never know, court takes what they see on trust unless you can prove otherwise.

particularly if the money is taken out in small amounts of cash on a weekly basis.
sad

paperlantern Fri 06-Sep-13 17:06:36

ps it's not bitter to call a spade a spade

Apocalypto Fri 06-Sep-13 17:23:58

Is keeping money secret from you the only way to stop you spending it?

I have that problem.

paperlantern Fri 06-Sep-13 17:34:57

apolcalyto - what a stupid message. You can prevent access to money by having separate accounts. you don't have to hide you have the savings

AnyFucker Fri 06-Sep-13 17:37:05

Apocalypto, that's seems a sad message, not a stupid one. Are you ok ? Who is the compulsive spender.....you or your partner ?

perfectstorm Fri 06-Sep-13 17:45:00

If you are subsidising his kids while he expects you to pay half of everything on a far lower salary, then you are subsidising his lifestyle.

And he seems to control who you can talk to and what you can keep, while keeping what the hell he likes - including a share of your money.

He cheated on his wife and then seemingly believes that supporting his own children and giving her a share of the family assets when she very understandably divorced him was "being taken to the cleaners"? I would love to hear his wife's version. His trying to ban you from hearing it is the biggest possible indication he's told you a less than honest version, or why would "her lies" be any threat to his marriage?

You are not painting an image of this man that appeals, tbh.

I am really sorry and I may be being thick but I am still unsure as to how your relationship with your DH - apart from he has some secret savings, tells you he loves you alot and goes with you to counselling.

You have not said once feel about your DH apart from you now feel you cannot trust him after finding some secret bonds. You seem to suggest that marriage is all about him getting "free" sex and childcare. How did you feel about him before you found the money? Obviously things were not perfect (hence the counselling). So is this secret savings an example of stuff he is doing (apart from tell you he loves you and going to counselling).

If this were roles reversed, a woman had a secret stash of money (after a money-focussed/bad resulting divorce) would the ?understandable? pot of cash make her horrific, deceitful, having an emotional affair, etc etc.

If someone came on saying this had happened the other way round - ie their DW had a stash of money hidden - they would be advised not to overreact - to talk to her and try and find out why/what it was for before writing off the whole marriage.

It may not be innocent. It may be deceitful and abusive of him. But I am really struggling to see why the OP's DH has been so totally castigated without her even having talked to him about it and seen his response.

perfectstorm Fri 06-Sep-13 17:52:26

FishfingersAreOK it isn't only - or mainly - the money, to me. It's the telling her what she can and can't do and who she can and can't talk to, being extremely secretive and controlling over money and his own past - as well as hers - and expecting her to fund half his extravagant spoiling of his DC while also expecting her to fund half the household costs, despite earning more than her by a large margin.

A high earning, generous husband who had good savings and otherwise never caused her to doubt him wouldn't have got this response. From me, anyway. A woman who behaved as this man is doing would.

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