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Dh secret savings

(100 Posts)
Lotsofswearwords Thu 05-Sep-13 19:19:31

My lovely dh has always been a secretive bastard. Keeps all his papers, bank statements either in his office or under lock and key at home.
I tried snooping once and when I finally found the key to his filing cabinet I came across old love letters from his affair during his first marriage. I knew about her, but not about letters. No matter, you might be saying, its all in the past... But of course I'm not allowed same privilege, I have to get rid of such stuff! And being a very open person who doesn't hide things, I thought it better to chuck the lot. No regrets except anger at dh and his double standards.
Snooped today, actually on legit business, looking for online banking details of my and our joint accounts in the hope of being able to do this myself and not be forced to rely on dh. Same folder held details of an account worth about 15,000 pounds... Let me stress its not so much the money, its the secrecy and the actual lying to me that he has no spare cash. We put near equal amounts into joint account for utilities, he earns a lot more than me but pays maintence for dsd, school fees for dss... Any big expenditure we take out small loan together. I don't have a problem with this, I have own ds and even though I still feel like lp raising him, I'm capable and earn a wage.
Please tell me I'm being unreasonable in my anger, that its actually the done thing for married partners to keep loads of money secret.
Sorry for ranting.
When he takes me on trips he pretends to be generous by "paying for everything", but woe betide me if I don't chip in for eating out, entrance fees, etc. I've always been happy to do this, I've never ever been spoiled in my life, its in my nature to pay my way. But now I feel sick, all the time he has been pretending to be hard done by after divorce, high child support costs, etc. and there he is with a small fortune stashed away.
Btw, I'll be getting paid out a slightly lesser amount from an insurance in a few years. Yet dh knows all about this, I was offering to pay for a second bathroom in our house, just to show what's mine is yours!!! I feel such a fool.
Dh is coming home after a week long business trip tomorrow, at least that's what I'm lead to believe... Should I confront him or play dead?

Money is either shared or its not. Decisions while married are to be taken together.

So I would start a joint discussion about plans for the 15k

Lotsofswearwords Thu 05-Sep-13 19:37:51

Thanks for reading, Laurie.
It's not even that I want to share, he can stuff it all up his a#%e for all I care. I feel gutted that he won't tell me, like I can't be trusted! I know when I confront him he'll start going on about the exw and how she took him to the cleaners. It's so insulting that he sees no difference between us, like we're some kind of interchangeable women, all out to get him.
We both have kids from first marriages that we want to take care of, I get that. But I still want to talk about how we do that. If he wants to buy his dsd a new car for her 18th,,then fine! But we just bought a second hand one together...
I just can't imagine any scenario atm where his secrecy makes sense. I would understand any mad plan he had, mid life crisis project, anything!!!! He says I'm his best friend. Like hell!

somersethouse Thu 05-Sep-13 19:47:57

My DH keeps all his money secret, I think because of his first divorce. I have no idea how much or where it is.
His business, but has always been so.

Your situation sounds different though, you pay your way and he is actually lying. I would most definitely ask him about it. You both have DC's from previous marriages? Your funds should be discussed beacause of them. Me and DH have one DD together and he has another grown up DD who has no longer needs to support as she is almost 30.

flowers Sorry you are upset and I totally see why you are.

Fairenuff Thu 05-Sep-13 19:48:29

Well, you say he has always been secretive so I'm not sure why you are surprised to find that he has kept secrets from you.

You will need to decide what you can live with, then have a discussion with him.

Dh and I don't have his 'n' her money, we have family money. I don't think either of us would like it any other way.

somersethouse Thu 05-Sep-13 19:50:05

Ah, sorry Xposted.
Yes, it will be because of his first divorce.
Leave him be, honestly, it is only money and it is his money.
Sorry if that sounds lame, but that is how I see it with my DH.

somersethouse Thu 05-Sep-13 19:51:31

Do you have, or have plans to have a child together as I think that makes a difference.

runningonwillpower Thu 05-Sep-13 19:53:24

I don't understand what marriage means if it doesn't mean sharing everything. Money too.

Lotsofswearwords Thu 05-Sep-13 19:57:00

Somerset, I'd be really interested to know why we have different set ups and you are so calm about your dh money. Is it that he makes you and dd feel secure and looked after? Admittedly, I don't have that feeling.

Fairenuff, good point. I suppose because I believe him when he says how much he loves me and how happy I make him and he opens up and shares his feelings. What a liar!

tribpot Thu 05-Sep-13 19:57:27

Leave him be? He's making her contribute 50% to the household expenses when he earns far more, on the basis that his expenses (for his children) soak up all the spare cash. This is a lie.

He insists on keeping his memorabilia from his affair during his first marriage but the OP has to get rid of hers.

Nobody made him get married again. If he wants to be once bitten twice shy, he shouldn't have made the same commitment to a second wife. But he did. They could have lived apart and had separate finances and still had a relationship. That would seem to be what he wants.

Lotsofswearwords Thu 05-Sep-13 19:59:54

Ps
No we don't have kids together. Dh didn't want to support more. Now I'm too old. Should have realized then he's a greedy bastard.
I think he only married me because I do pay my way, I'll never ask him for anything (too proud).
It's the secrecy and the lying, a total cliche, I know.

Lotsofswearwords Thu 05-Sep-13 20:02:49

Tribpot, totally agree with you there.
I so wish I had stayed in my own place and we just dated.
But dh could not wait for us to move in together, get our own place so all the kids would feel at home...
It feels like he married me to give him free sex, mother his kids, and pay my own way. I hate myself for thinking he ever loved me.

somersethouse Thu 05-Sep-13 20:03:16

Sorry, I did not mean to offend. I suppose when I married DH I knew he had issues because of his previous divorce which was ten years prior.

He would never abandon his responsibilites to DD (which is all I care about) and the law where I live in Spain, guarantees that.

I contribute 50% and him 50%, he just has his stash!

Not keen at all on the not being allowed to keep memorabilia I am sorry, I missed that bit, that sounds really controlling.

Walkacrossthesand Thu 05-Sep-13 20:03:50

Do you know if the money predates ypu getting married, or has been saved while you budgeted? if the latter, if nothing else, withdraw your offer to fund 2nd bathroom from your upcoming insurance money - now you know he has that much squirrelled away, it's time at least to re-assess how you divvy up domestic costs in relation to earnings. It's simply not just for one marriage partner to be secretly saving while the other one's income is all accounted for.

somersethouse Thu 05-Sep-13 20:07:22

Good point walkacross, I was presuming it predated. It not, then out of order.

Fairenuff Thu 05-Sep-13 20:07:41

Well it's good news really OP because, as you are married, all assets are joint assets, so you just found yourself £7,500 richer!

Seriously, tell him you found out about the account and talk to him. If he continues to be secretive you'll have to decide whether you want to stay with him.

runningonwillpower Thu 05-Sep-13 20:08:58

Who is saying he doesn't love you? Maybe he does, but he's somehow confused love and marriage with an independent financial life. You need to talk to him about that. And what marriage means to him.

I just think it's 'not married' to look at who is paying for the dinner.

For example, in our marriage, skint means no-one is eating out. Flush means, shall we eat out?

somersethouse Thu 05-Sep-13 20:18:52

It does not mean he doesn't love you, of course not.

Lotsofswearwords Thu 05-Sep-13 20:23:58

Thank you all so much for reading my rants. I feel among friends!
No offense ever taken somerset.
The money is probably from a couple of bonuses over the last few years, he often mentions them, never the exact amount, and I never know when they're being paid. But then when he acts skint I assume it was all talk to impress me and so I don't ask any questions.
I'd like to think he loves me but we've been to couple counseling for several issues and only today it occurred to me that as soon as we clear up one problem, he puts another in our way, almost as if he doesn't wish us to become that close (wtf?). I thought I was being paranoid or menopausal (47) but then I found the stash.

Laska42 Thu 05-Sep-13 20:27:38

I know my DH Has 'secret' savings of quite a lot (although he has told me where all the bank details are)..and he's planning on using them to pay off mortgage early . Actually im glad he does because I have a secret credit card debt (its not a lot really about 3k ,and hopefully ill be able to pay it off before the 0% runs out) but he doeskin know how much it is and so they really are secret! Also he doesnt know that i often secretly pay my DS rent when he's skint ..

All marriages and LTRs have secrets , but its when you or he is doing stuff in that might damage the relationship I think you'd need to be worried

Dahlen Thu 05-Sep-13 20:34:57

All marriages are different. Some will have completely joint and transparent finances; others will have completely separate finances and complete autonomy over their own financial affairs with joint purchases always negotiated. It really doesn't matter as long as it is fair.

This is not.

Lotsofswearwords Thu 05-Sep-13 20:36:45

Thanks for sharing Laska, you made me smile!
I suppose the only way to counter the imbalance is to have secrets myself. The trouble is I can't keep secrets well. I want to be able to trust my partner and I love sharing, even money!
The stress of keeping my statements hidden or making excuses for having/ not having money would be terrible.
Maybe I'm suffering from some kind of mh problem. Even now I'm thinking of writing dh an email so that he can come up with a reasonable excuse before he comes back, I'm so pathetic,

AnyFucker Thu 05-Sep-13 20:39:12

This isn't my idea of a "marriage"

he doesn't trust you one iota, and now he has proved he is untrustworthy too

grim

Dahlen Thu 05-Sep-13 20:45:45

There's nothing wrong with you OP, honestly.

Lots of people fall foul of expensive divorce settlements (me included) that have not resulted in them being bitter and secretive about money. His attitude is far more about a character flaw on his part than it is about being emotionally scarred.

I have no issue with someone having savings. IMO it would be ideal if everyone should have a stash that they can use to support themselves in the event of a rainy day. Likewise, for people in second marriages, it can be important to create savings accounts and write wills that act as a way of protecting assets for the children from a first marriage. NOthing wrong with any of that. But if it's not transparent then something is wrong with the marriage. Anyone who feels the need to be that secretive about their financial accounts either has a bad marriage or has 'issues' that they need to deal with.

In this case I think it's the latter. I base that on the fact that not only is he being secretive but he's actively lying and manipulating the OP into paying for more than her fair share of things so he can accrue his savings.

Lotsofswearwords Thu 05-Sep-13 20:48:56

Grim, I agree.
Our couple counseler once comforted me by saying, not to worry, he's really a nice fellow, let's just sort out all the nitty gritty. And I, poor fool, thought we were.
Sometimes I think there is sth wrong with him. How can he throw away all he has got now by being such an arse?
His family love me, apparently I'm SO different to wife no1, even his kids think me fabulous now.
I know I'll confront him tomorrow as I just don't have a poker face. I think he already knows something's afoot because he just called and I did not sound v happy and kept the call short.
I'm afraid of being right, though, that he'll trot out his usual "I'm sorry you feel that way" and not an actual apology. Couple counseling can't work miracles (obviously) and I will sink into a depression if I can't forgive him.

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