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Why does DH get stalked?

(114 Posts)
Trunktops Wed 04-Sep-13 19:53:54

Dh handed me his phone last week and I saw a text from a woman saying 'now you are married and a family man can you please stop ignoring me? How can I be a threat now?' He told the backstory turns out he had a stalker a few years ago who he had to call the police on and get a restraining order. We have just had some family pics go up on facebook and they have mutual friends so she probably saw the news via that.

There have been many women since I met DH who have behaved in stalkery ways towards him. Once we both received a letter from a friend of his saying that she and DH were soulmates and that our decision to marry each other was upsetting the "natural order of things" and did he not remember the way he looked at her this time/that time?

Another ex-shag turned up at our door crying because she had split from a boyfriend and wanted to stay over. Neither of us let her and she became angry and sent lots of horrible texts to DH and FB messages to me saying I was controlling him and had brainwashed him into ruining their friendship.

Another ex-shag, when DH and I were engaged became preoccupied with wanting to be my stylist for the wedding, sending me weekly emails of places I should shop for bridal gowns and wanting to be my best friend. We both told her, politely, we weren;t interested but she sent us an engagement gift, a wedding gift and even moved into a house down the road.

Another woman eerily befriended me in a cafe where we lived one day and she and I went out for a few drinks. When I eventually told DH about my new friend he told me it was a girl he was seeing in 2006 who had become obsessed with him and he had to tell her to strongly back off.

Obviously I think DH is the best man ever, otherwise I wouldn't have married him, so I'm not questioning why women like him, but this much?! Surely this is something about DH as a person?

What makes someone a stalker and what qualities make someone the type to be stalked?

BerylStreep Thu 12-Sep-13 17:48:37

From reading your OP again, I think it sounds like your DH is a bit of a people pleaser, and needs to have better boundaries from the start with people.

peedoffbird Wed 11-Sep-13 03:11:39

I'm afraid my very first thought on reading the OP was that her dh may not be the innocent bystander that this is happening TO. This is not normal and he is at the centre of this.

Hope you're ok OP.

Bogeyface Wed 11-Sep-13 00:52:20

I would imagine that she is feeling threatened and if I were her the first thing I would do is find out everything I could about the women involved!

Are you suggesting she just ignores it?

musicismylife Tue 10-Sep-13 23:01:56

Op, it sounds like you are stalking your DHs exes.

You seem to know a lot about them, looks, nationality, jobs.

Are you feeling threatened?

I pointed out very early on that the DH was the common denominator, I'm not disagreeing with that.

Interesting that you slip and say "OP's ex" though - this man is her husband, who she's married to, and everyone's rabbiting "leave the bastard" like it's someone she met online and has had three dates with. Hardly helpful.

That's the ones who didn't stop reading at "socio-economic gap" and vanish into a frenzy of shoulder-chips.

The "LTB" culture on this board really gets on my wick sometimes. I mean, there's an acronym for crying out loud.

GingerBlondecat Sat 07-Sep-13 15:58:03

SMH You folks just can't keep the newbie poster, canya sighh. hmm

GingerBlondecat Sat 07-Sep-13 15:55:33

sad I've had a couple of stalkers.
But then I also attract crazy people. Ohh wait, they are one and the same shock

Go figgure

Shapechanger Sat 07-Sep-13 14:04:59

Wow.

No wonder the OP never came back to this thread

I get this and think some of the comments re the OP's ex are a bit strong. But MN is full of wisdom and those who think that he is culpable in some way are in the majority. I started a thread (with another name, a while ago, it was in another life). The responses shocked me and gave me a very different perspective. It helped me to change and escape a destructive situation.

I too think that it is not all about the women, there is something the man is doing. Negative patterns in successive relationships do usually point to some quality in the 'victim'. I would never blame the woman who attracts abusive relationships. I had a pattern myself of getting involved with EA men because I was a people-pleaser with low self esteem. Also seemed to be on a mission to find men who had 'issues' in the belief I could 'fix' them.

Once I realised that this was happening because of me I was able to stop it from happening again. I'm out of an EA marriage now and in a happier relationship, albeit a casual one, where I am not a pushover. It's been a revelation; I will never go back to the old, destructive pattern as it has opened my eyes and given me the confidence to break the vicious cycle.

RhondaJean Fri 06-Sep-13 22:41:26

I've got a theory.

My DH hasn't attracted this level of stalker but he knows how to talk to women as if they really matter. An old friend of mines who is well endowed said to me years ago "he was always the only guy in the pub who had a conversation with my face".

I have a friend who was single for years who similarly knew how to talk to women and he did get stalkers. Really bad ones.

I think there are certain women out there who are so low in self esteem or so starved of affection and respect that when a man comes along who treats them like a human being they get the idea tht there is more to it than there is. If its an ex who has had that effect I can imagine it could be quite potent.

AintNobodyGotTimeFurThat Fri 06-Sep-13 21:24:52

Bizarre.

Mind you I'd swap my ex who used to stalk me for a bunch of those considering one minute he was trying to win me over and hug me and next he was threatening me so if anyone wants him go right ahead.

It's been a years anniversary of him not sending me nasty emails! :D

BoneyBackJefferson Fri 06-Sep-13 19:59:08

WafflyVersatile

Sounds probable

Boomba Fri 06-Sep-13 19:57:11

Because that is the reality, a very large percentage of the time. And women have been disbelieved over these things way to often

WafflyVersatile Fri 06-Sep-13 19:23:40

Cognitive dissonance?

BoneyBackJefferson Fri 06-Sep-13 18:53:58

Why it is that when a woman has abusive Ex Partners it is deserving of sympathy but when its a male who has abusive Ex Partners he generates "red flags"?

Wow.

No wonder the OP never came back to this thread.

lemonstartree Thu 05-Sep-13 20:52:44

my DP is a very attractive man and women do flirt with him a LOT if we go out. eg this weekend at festival they were everywhere ! he is 100% committed to me so I don't really notice any more tbh - but he doesnt have any stalkers

Bogeyface Thu 05-Sep-13 18:41:08

What Balloon said about friends who wont catch your eye reminded me of something.

When we had been together about 3 months he met an old female friend for lunch, I knew about it, nothing dodgy. But when they came to meet me for a drink afterwards she wouldnt look me in the eye, only spoke to me when I spoke to her and at one point moved her chair so her back was to me and she was facing him. I wasnt very happy but let it go, H thought it was odd. Then we worked a beer festival which she came to with her partner. She totally blanked me even when I was standing next to him and said hello and then tried to monopolise him all afternoon. The filthy "up and down, you piece of shit" look she gave me when he announced our engagement that day was the nail in the coffin and he hasnt spoken to her since, got rid on FB etc.

But 7 years later she still messages him from time to time saying things like "Arent we friends anymore?" "Why dont you ring me anymore?" and the odd one that acts like nothing has happened asking him out for a drink and pointedly not inviting me "I thought we could meet for lunch like we used to, just you and me"

I know for a fact that they never slept together but she had a major thing about him for years, he never saw her that way. I know this because I am friends with her ex boss who told me about this once she wasnt her boss anymore and wasnt breaking any rules. She told me because the ex friend once said that she was determined to break me and him and get him for herself "no matter what it takes". Fucking weirdo!

We havent blocked her on FB because I like to see when she gets in touch. Sometimes it really is innocent, because when he cheated on me with "friends" aka exes, it wasnt her grin

Viviennemary Thu 05-Sep-13 17:33:03

I think a lot of men think they are irresistible to women. But often the reality is quite different.

Ezio Thu 05-Sep-13 17:25:34

Balloon, has a very valid point, at some point you gotta ask, is it him.

BalloonSlayer Thu 05-Sep-13 17:17:27

My Ex-H had some female friends who were a bit funny with me - wouldn't talk to me, wouldn't look me in the eye. (And before you say I'm probably just horrible, two of them I had never even spoken to . . . I never got the chance - they just wouldn't make eye contact and scurried off. It definitely wasn't me! grin ) He said, of all of them, that they had made a pass at him that he had declined. One of them was married with 4 kids!

With the benefit of hindsight, I now believe he had shagged them all and led them to believe that a relationship was possible, somehow kept them dangling on a string. All the time while declaring undying love to me. hmm

Your post reminds me of that time in my life, OP.

You know that some of these are exes. I don't think they know they are exes. He has said something or done something to make them think it is not over. I suspect that something is a shag whenever he is in town. Sorry.

You have to look for the common denominator and sorry to have to say it but normal blokes, even Brad Pitt, don't get stalked by every ex. They just don't. He must be doing something to make this happen.

stepmooster Thu 05-Sep-13 15:17:26

My BIL has a few crazy exes. He too is in finance, a bit too nice for his own good, paying off debts and expensive presents right from day one. He also has that air of vulnerability about him, which some women love (they mothered him a bit) and I can't stand. I always thought that BIL behaviour could be seen to be misleading from a female perspective, I.e. He just whisked me away for an expensive weekend therefore he must love me. I've also tried to explain this to one of my uni friends who also collects these kind of women with similar behaviour and then moans about it afterwards.

BIL is now in a committed relationship with someone who is more of an equal, doesn't mother him etc and they are happy. BIl has told DH that a few exes are always trying to make contact and get him to change his mind. One I understand is quite unhinged.

Perhaps this is the reason?

lunar1 Thu 05-Sep-13 15:04:51

I kind of regret posting that dh attracts stalkers seeing how the thread has gone!

He never dated any of his. I have said to him before he can come across as over friendly/flirty. Not in a way that would make someone uncomfortable but something about him makes People trust him. They need too, he's a dr, I wonder if that's part of it.

He also doesn't read people well at all, someone can flirt outrageously with him and he doesn't see it. It can look like he is leadin someone on as they are flirting and he's being his usual self and not giving any signals back that he's not interested. He doesn't encourage it but doesn't discourage it either.

MissStrawberry Thu 05-Sep-13 14:51:39

Well then we will have to agree to disagree as I don't agree.

Bogeyface Thu 05-Sep-13 14:29:53

Actually MissStrawberry, when the comment about self examination was fully explained you continued to imply that Boomba is a rape apologist!

Boomba Thu 05-Sep-13 14:25:02

It was my 'one comment' and the 'original meaning' remains unchanged. Maybe you misunderstood it, though

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