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Why does DH get stalked?

(114 Posts)
Trunktops Wed 04-Sep-13 19:53:54

Dh handed me his phone last week and I saw a text from a woman saying 'now you are married and a family man can you please stop ignoring me? How can I be a threat now?' He told the backstory turns out he had a stalker a few years ago who he had to call the police on and get a restraining order. We have just had some family pics go up on facebook and they have mutual friends so she probably saw the news via that.

There have been many women since I met DH who have behaved in stalkery ways towards him. Once we both received a letter from a friend of his saying that she and DH were soulmates and that our decision to marry each other was upsetting the "natural order of things" and did he not remember the way he looked at her this time/that time?

Another ex-shag turned up at our door crying because she had split from a boyfriend and wanted to stay over. Neither of us let her and she became angry and sent lots of horrible texts to DH and FB messages to me saying I was controlling him and had brainwashed him into ruining their friendship.

Another ex-shag, when DH and I were engaged became preoccupied with wanting to be my stylist for the wedding, sending me weekly emails of places I should shop for bridal gowns and wanting to be my best friend. We both told her, politely, we weren;t interested but she sent us an engagement gift, a wedding gift and even moved into a house down the road.

Another woman eerily befriended me in a cafe where we lived one day and she and I went out for a few drinks. When I eventually told DH about my new friend he told me it was a girl he was seeing in 2006 who had become obsessed with him and he had to tell her to strongly back off.

Obviously I think DH is the best man ever, otherwise I wouldn't have married him, so I'm not questioning why women like him, but this much?! Surely this is something about DH as a person?

What makes someone a stalker and what qualities make someone the type to be stalked?

BoneyBackJefferson Fri 06-Sep-13 18:53:58

Why it is that when a woman has abusive Ex Partners it is deserving of sympathy but when its a male who has abusive Ex Partners he generates "red flags"?

WafflyVersatile Fri 06-Sep-13 19:23:40

Cognitive dissonance?

Boomba Fri 06-Sep-13 19:57:11

Because that is the reality, a very large percentage of the time. And women have been disbelieved over these things way to often

BoneyBackJefferson Fri 06-Sep-13 19:59:08

WafflyVersatile

Sounds probable

AintNobodyGotTimeFurThat Fri 06-Sep-13 21:24:52

Bizarre.

Mind you I'd swap my ex who used to stalk me for a bunch of those considering one minute he was trying to win me over and hug me and next he was threatening me so if anyone wants him go right ahead.

It's been a years anniversary of him not sending me nasty emails! :D

RhondaJean Fri 06-Sep-13 22:41:26

I've got a theory.

My DH hasn't attracted this level of stalker but he knows how to talk to women as if they really matter. An old friend of mines who is well endowed said to me years ago "he was always the only guy in the pub who had a conversation with my face".

I have a friend who was single for years who similarly knew how to talk to women and he did get stalkers. Really bad ones.

I think there are certain women out there who are so low in self esteem or so starved of affection and respect that when a man comes along who treats them like a human being they get the idea tht there is more to it than there is. If its an ex who has had that effect I can imagine it could be quite potent.

Shapechanger Sat 07-Sep-13 14:04:59

Wow.

No wonder the OP never came back to this thread

I get this and think some of the comments re the OP's ex are a bit strong. But MN is full of wisdom and those who think that he is culpable in some way are in the majority. I started a thread (with another name, a while ago, it was in another life). The responses shocked me and gave me a very different perspective. It helped me to change and escape a destructive situation.

I too think that it is not all about the women, there is something the man is doing. Negative patterns in successive relationships do usually point to some quality in the 'victim'. I would never blame the woman who attracts abusive relationships. I had a pattern myself of getting involved with EA men because I was a people-pleaser with low self esteem. Also seemed to be on a mission to find men who had 'issues' in the belief I could 'fix' them.

Once I realised that this was happening because of me I was able to stop it from happening again. I'm out of an EA marriage now and in a happier relationship, albeit a casual one, where I am not a pushover. It's been a revelation; I will never go back to the old, destructive pattern as it has opened my eyes and given me the confidence to break the vicious cycle.

GingerBlondecat Sat 07-Sep-13 15:55:33

sad I've had a couple of stalkers.
But then I also attract crazy people. Ohh wait, they are one and the same shock

Go figgure

GingerBlondecat Sat 07-Sep-13 15:58:03

SMH You folks just can't keep the newbie poster, canya sighh. hmm

I pointed out very early on that the DH was the common denominator, I'm not disagreeing with that.

Interesting that you slip and say "OP's ex" though - this man is her husband, who she's married to, and everyone's rabbiting "leave the bastard" like it's someone she met online and has had three dates with. Hardly helpful.

That's the ones who didn't stop reading at "socio-economic gap" and vanish into a frenzy of shoulder-chips.

The "LTB" culture on this board really gets on my wick sometimes. I mean, there's an acronym for crying out loud.

musicismylife Tue 10-Sep-13 23:01:56

Op, it sounds like you are stalking your DHs exes.

You seem to know a lot about them, looks, nationality, jobs.

Are you feeling threatened?

Bogeyface Wed 11-Sep-13 00:52:20

I would imagine that she is feeling threatened and if I were her the first thing I would do is find out everything I could about the women involved!

Are you suggesting she just ignores it?

peedoffbird Wed 11-Sep-13 03:11:39

I'm afraid my very first thought on reading the OP was that her dh may not be the innocent bystander that this is happening TO. This is not normal and he is at the centre of this.

Hope you're ok OP.

BerylStreep Thu 12-Sep-13 17:48:37

From reading your OP again, I think it sounds like your DH is a bit of a people pleaser, and needs to have better boundaries from the start with people.

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