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Why does DH get stalked?

(114 Posts)
Trunktops Wed 04-Sep-13 19:53:54

Dh handed me his phone last week and I saw a text from a woman saying 'now you are married and a family man can you please stop ignoring me? How can I be a threat now?' He told the backstory turns out he had a stalker a few years ago who he had to call the police on and get a restraining order. We have just had some family pics go up on facebook and they have mutual friends so she probably saw the news via that.

There have been many women since I met DH who have behaved in stalkery ways towards him. Once we both received a letter from a friend of his saying that she and DH were soulmates and that our decision to marry each other was upsetting the "natural order of things" and did he not remember the way he looked at her this time/that time?

Another ex-shag turned up at our door crying because she had split from a boyfriend and wanted to stay over. Neither of us let her and she became angry and sent lots of horrible texts to DH and FB messages to me saying I was controlling him and had brainwashed him into ruining their friendship.

Another ex-shag, when DH and I were engaged became preoccupied with wanting to be my stylist for the wedding, sending me weekly emails of places I should shop for bridal gowns and wanting to be my best friend. We both told her, politely, we weren;t interested but she sent us an engagement gift, a wedding gift and even moved into a house down the road.

Another woman eerily befriended me in a cafe where we lived one day and she and I went out for a few drinks. When I eventually told DH about my new friend he told me it was a girl he was seeing in 2006 who had become obsessed with him and he had to tell her to strongly back off.

Obviously I think DH is the best man ever, otherwise I wouldn't have married him, so I'm not questioning why women like him, but this much?! Surely this is something about DH as a person?

What makes someone a stalker and what qualities make someone the type to be stalked?

dontbelievehim Wed 04-Sep-13 21:01:05

I have an ex; 2 weeks after meeting him we were walking through town and he pointed out a woman and a child, and said "that's my ex and my son; she's nuts".

He became violent towards me and when I called the police and got him arrested, he fled to a female 'friend' and moved in with her...this is a woman he had been 'friends' with the whole 2 years we were together, and he never told her we were together. Once he was living with her, he called me "a crazy stalker".

When we were on a break for a few weeks, he shagged some woman he knows a few times...when he was back living with me after the break she turned up on our doorstep and told me everything - guess what? According to him, she was "nuts" and "obsessed".

He got another woman pregnant 2 years ago - reckons she lied about being on the pill to trap him into getting pregnant. And she's "nuts".

Get the picture...?

nenevomito Wed 04-Sep-13 21:03:58

yy dontbelievehim.

My ex used to be married to a fucked up psycho. Then when we broke up, he told his new girlfriend that I was a fucked up psycho. Apparently his next girlfriend was a fucked up psycho as well.

How unlucky he attracted all of those fucked up psychos sad

scrazy Wed 04-Sep-13 21:07:36

Sounds like he's led a few people on in the past, maybe the saw him as their saviour and thought they had a friend for life.

I know someone like this. He's mature, single and quite a catch or so it seems at first. He has women friends who go all psycho on him. He is charming and attentive but a complete narc when you scratch the surface. I've ditch him.

I'm not meaning your DH is like this now but he might have been in the past.

lunar1 Wed 04-Sep-13 21:07:54

Dh not a banker, he's a doctor.

Ezio Wed 04-Sep-13 21:10:28

Beware a man who slags off every ex hes ever had.

congresstart Wed 04-Sep-13 21:10:29

I have to agree with expat, babyheave and dontbelievehim on this one.

Lizzylou Wed 04-Sep-13 21:14:00

Do you think he didn't properly end these relationships? Sort of kept them hanging, gave them false hope? Do you think if he had been firmer that they would have got the message before?
Is he a flirt with other women, bit of a ladies man? You mentioned one of the stalkers was a friend who just turned up, what was he like with her before that?

EasyMark Wed 04-Sep-13 21:19:41

What does dh say is the reason?

HerdyHerdwick Wed 04-Sep-13 21:23:34

Yes, I think EasyMark is asking the pertinent question. Why does he think he's getting stalked?

zeprocrastinator Wed 04-Sep-13 21:34:34

Wow, the posts on this thread are absolutely horrendous. Did any of you think how the OP might feel to have her husband spoken about like this? This is grim shock She is actually describing behaviour she has witnessed and been on the receiving end of herself. Nowhere does she say that her DH has described any of these women nastily or called them 'nuts' or anything like that.

^One stalker - nasty, creepy and scary.
Many stalkers - well either there's something wrong with a lot of people, or you look to the common denominator.^
babyheave Do you think like that about women who are stalked, raped or abused more than once too?

Boomba Wed 04-Sep-13 21:44:40

I'm with LEM and expat

You really think that people who 'accept variety' are prone to being stalked??? WTF does that even mean. That people with unskilled jobs and forriners need to be accepted? You think Bankers attract stalkers because of their jobs??

This thread has caused me irrational anger

I think OP enjoys the attention her husband gets, and that he is 'hers' actually zepro

Boomba Wed 04-Sep-13 21:45:41

and yes, women who are repeatedly abused do/are advised to look at their own behaviours

JaceyBee Wed 04-Sep-13 21:56:27

I can certainly see how a doctor would attract this kind of attention but not a banker?? Still, each to their own I guess! It does sound very unusual and must be a massive pita!

Lilly3000 Wed 04-Sep-13 21:56:38

To be fair my husband has a weird effect on some women. Don't see it myself smile but they can get very possessive and actually aggressive towards me, as if my wedding ring is an irritating obstruction. Sad to say that after many years it culminated in an affair with a particularly persistent one who pressed all the right buttons at the wrong time. His responsibility of course and although he regrets it bitterly, I won't be making excuses for him.
Judgey pants aside, 2 years on we are much better now and he's been able to look at why some women get fixated so quickly. It would seem that he didn't make it VERY clear that he wasn't interested right at the beginning and they were all looking for a saviour. He's an odd combination of distant and intimate and certain people see it as a green light. It's not as simple as flirting as he's possibly the worst flirter in the world. He's one of those borderline-autistic sciencey types. Over the last couple of years he's learnt to change his body language and bring the shutters down around our marriage. Nobody else gets in, no exceptions. This has had to be a conscious decision. Since learning how to do this he doesn't get bothered any more. perhaps your DH could try this OP.

You say "One thing about Dh is that he always used to date women where there was quite a big gap between their socio-economic status and his. DH is a banker, and his exes are cleaners, hairdressers etc, usually from Eastern Europe or India, so not at home in the country and quite reliant on DH."
And then go on to say " it's also that I think DH has been out with a range of women. Some have not been conventionally attractive, some have been super attractive, some have been bankers, some have been cleaners. he is not the man who has a type and dates within that type.

So which is it ???
Personally I think your DH has probably preyed on vulnerable women and possible has some control issues.

Lizzabadger Wed 04-Sep-13 22:01:46

Sorry but for me this would be a bit of a red flag about your husband.

Boomba Wed 04-Sep-13 22:02:23

korma yes, i thought OP had contradicted herself, but couldnt be arsed to go back and check

I agree with what you say

piratecat Wed 04-Sep-13 22:06:22

op what does your dh say about it?

were they all exclusive relationships, are these women ex's whose relationships with your dh ended with them being let down, or treated unfairly or something?

piratecat Wed 04-Sep-13 22:07:38

i think what she means is is that he's been out with both 'sets' of people, ones on his own level, then the other ones wink

LoopThePoop Wed 04-Sep-13 22:19:23

Oooooh, I do think OP may be the 'nuts' one soon.

Boomba Wed 04-Sep-13 22:20:26

Ok, I know it is bad form to bring things from other threads; but I've just looked at your other thread OP and wonder if the 2 things are connected in some way?

Are you feeling insecure about your relationship?

I think it would be helpful to hear how these stalking incidents came about/how you heard about them?

for example, how did an 'ex-shag' of your DH, get your email address to be sending you style tips for your wedding? IS she a stylist? Why didn't you block her?

Do you know that these 'ex-shags' are actually his Xs?? It would all be very innocent, if that part wasn't actually true...e.g. if a friend turns up on your doorstep crying and upset because they had split with their boyfriend, and wanted to stay the night. It would seem as if you were affecting the friendship, if you were the reason she couldn't stay over

substitute this assumption into all the scenarios...it works, apart from the letter

LessMissAbs Wed 04-Sep-13 22:24:41

The common denominator is your ex!

Why would he deliberately go for women much lower on the socio-economic scale than him, and not a mixture of women from different backgrounds? What does that tell you about him? Is he leading them on/leaving them with hope, in case he wishes to resume?

Honestly I don't think this reflects well on your DH.

LessMissAbs Wed 04-Sep-13 22:25:13

I am so sorry! I didn't mean to say your ex, but your DH! Sorry! Very tired tonight.

zeprocrastinator Thu 05-Sep-13 00:23:22

boomba Sure, people who repeatedly find themselves in abusive relationships are advised to find out if there are underlying reasons for choosing abusers - but it is victim blaming to suggest it is their fault. And the OP is on here wondering if there is a reason why and she has got a lot of unpleasantness.

MissStrawberry Thu 05-Sep-13 07:30:45

Boomba Wed 04-Sep-13 21:45:41

"and yes, women who are repeatedly abused do/are advised to look at their own behaviour."

Words fail me.

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