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Why does DH get stalked?

(114 Posts)
Trunktops Wed 04-Sep-13 19:53:54

Dh handed me his phone last week and I saw a text from a woman saying 'now you are married and a family man can you please stop ignoring me? How can I be a threat now?' He told the backstory turns out he had a stalker a few years ago who he had to call the police on and get a restraining order. We have just had some family pics go up on facebook and they have mutual friends so she probably saw the news via that.

There have been many women since I met DH who have behaved in stalkery ways towards him. Once we both received a letter from a friend of his saying that she and DH were soulmates and that our decision to marry each other was upsetting the "natural order of things" and did he not remember the way he looked at her this time/that time?

Another ex-shag turned up at our door crying because she had split from a boyfriend and wanted to stay over. Neither of us let her and she became angry and sent lots of horrible texts to DH and FB messages to me saying I was controlling him and had brainwashed him into ruining their friendship.

Another ex-shag, when DH and I were engaged became preoccupied with wanting to be my stylist for the wedding, sending me weekly emails of places I should shop for bridal gowns and wanting to be my best friend. We both told her, politely, we weren;t interested but she sent us an engagement gift, a wedding gift and even moved into a house down the road.

Another woman eerily befriended me in a cafe where we lived one day and she and I went out for a few drinks. When I eventually told DH about my new friend he told me it was a girl he was seeing in 2006 who had become obsessed with him and he had to tell her to strongly back off.

Obviously I think DH is the best man ever, otherwise I wouldn't have married him, so I'm not questioning why women like him, but this much?! Surely this is something about DH as a person?

What makes someone a stalker and what qualities make someone the type to be stalked?

JustBecauseICan Wed 04-Sep-13 19:55:45

And is it dh who tells you about all his stalkers?

notanyanymore Wed 04-Sep-13 19:56:36

Does he attract deranged people or lead them on?

Hoseason Wed 04-Sep-13 19:58:05

It sounds unlikely

HerdyHerdwick Wed 04-Sep-13 20:00:02

hmm

peachypips Wed 04-Sep-13 20:01:28

Weird. Nothing helpful to add!

Trunktops Wed 04-Sep-13 20:01:29

Yes to me it sounds unlikely. I mean, we've all broken a few hearts (I think I have??!) but no one has ever really gone out of their way to be obsessed with me!

Well the ex turning up and the letter from the friend Ive met and the woman befriending me in the coffee shop were all external events that he couldn't have staged unless he hired actors. So they are real things that happened.

One thing about Dh is that he always used to date women where there was quite a big gap between their socio-economic status and his. DH is a banker, and his exes are cleaners, hairdressers etc, usually from Eastern Europe or India, so not at home in the country and quite reliant on DH. Maybe that's it?

HerdyHerdwick Wed 04-Sep-13 20:02:04

I pressed send before I'd typed, sorry!
I was just going to say I don't think there are 'qualities that make someone be stalked'. I think it's the stalker that's the common denominator. But I can't explan why your H would have a history of attracting them.
It all sounds very odd.

Trunktops Wed 04-Sep-13 20:02:39

No herdyherdwick I am not a troll!

Trunktops Wed 04-Sep-13 20:03:04

oh cross post, SORRY back!

LOL

AnneUulmelmahay Wed 04-Sep-13 20:04:32

Oh dear me, all sounds terribly awks

I think your latest post explains it! He seems to have a habit of wanting women who "need" him, if you court that kind of dynamic it'll be more likely.

Hoseason Wed 04-Sep-13 20:07:11

I would assume he had lied to them about his commitment to them?

why did he always date those types of women? It sounds like he wants to be controlling/ dominant?

Lizzylou Wed 04-Sep-13 20:11:27

From your op I thought it was huge dick or huge bank balance.
So I think we have it.

lunar1 Wed 04-Sep-13 20:12:55

Dh attracts them too. They are not exs more like groupies! When we first got together I had to call the police as one of them threatened me.

We we t through a phase of getting cold calls in the night.

Two weeks ago a woman asked him to have an affair.

There have been loads of instances. It's really odd, obviously I love him but I can't understand the stalkerish behaviour. My friend think its his job that attracts them.

HerdyHerdwick Wed 04-Sep-13 20:13:39

I'm old, OP and have old gimmers doddery fingers over which I have little control sometimes grin.
How long have you two been married?

queenofthepirates Wed 04-Sep-13 20:15:44

I'd advise not jumping to too many conclusions, I've had three major stalkers, two of whom I have never been involved with in any way. One went to court and another meant I had to change my phone number. The one who went to court stalked me as I went into labour with my daughter he was so deranged. He even threatened to visit me whilst in labour. Not unsurprisingly, utterly terrifying.

I don't know why I get them. It's a massive pain and not something I relish. I don't encourage it or respond to it.

Some people just get stalked and it's rotten and miserable. Your DH has my sympathy.

Bahhhhhumbug Wed 04-Sep-13 20:19:31

My DH gets regularly practically mounted in the pub by a couple of exes who run at him and screech his name and throw their arms round his neck etc. Just put it down to him being a really nice friendly fella and 'the one that got away' for one in particular.
I just do my best biscuit face and ignore or start chatting to one of his mates or go to the loo or the bar or whatever.

expatinscotland Wed 04-Sep-13 20:20:15

He sounds like a bit of a one. TBH, I'd have dumped him in the dating stage once I found out about his groupies and yes, I'm one of those from the lower end of the socioeconomic gap. I would have just assumed someone like that was interested in using me and anyone with groupies is usually very bad news.

Trunktops Wed 04-Sep-13 20:23:26

lunar1 and bahhhhhumbug I'm glad you understand. It's not also the socio-economic mismatch of his exes, it's also that I think DH has been out with a range of women. Some have not been conventionally attractive, some have been super attractive, some have been bankers, some have been cleaners. he is not the man who has a type and dates within that type.

I think people who accept others or accept variety also have a tendency to get stalked.

Dh and I have been married for a couple of years.

LEMisdisappointed Wed 04-Sep-13 20:23:50

yeah, they are after his money - you lucky lucky thing you hmm I have been a cleaner and im pretty skint, maybe i'll look him up!

Trunktops Wed 04-Sep-13 20:23:54

lunar1 is your husband also in finance? Do you think this happens to people in finance?

Trunktops Wed 04-Sep-13 20:25:31

yes groupies is a good word for it. Even his female friends have this sense of ownership over him - like I have stolen him from them.

JoinYourPlayfellows Wed 04-Sep-13 20:26:43

I had an ex that was a bit like this (although not quite as extreme).

It wasn't just women who fancied him, either. He had a few male "friends" that had sort of man-friend crushes on him.

I think some of it was that he was a very affable nice fellow.

But there also seemed to be something that I could never quite identify. As though he put out some kind of pheromone that attracted the needy (and slightly deranged).

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