Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

should I call time on us or is it fixable?

(23 Posts)
fiddlemethis Mon 02-Sep-13 22:55:38

Hello lovely people, I have been lurking all day, especially finding the thread of mnetters OH being depressed.
My dh has been having depressive periods for about a year and a half after a bit of a trauma. Since then he has sometimes worked, sometimes not (self employed so stressful in its own right). He smokes weed and during this period has reaslied that this in contributing to him not feeling good about things. He tried to give up about 6 months ago and it led to him having suicidal thoughts so started smoking again while looking for an easier way of coming off it, something that would be better in a house with 2 little ones of 2 and 4.
We had an almighty fall out yesterday, mostly due to my wanting to seek a bit more of a life outside the family home.I'm so fed up of doing everything then just being on my own during the night, I feel that without these little snippets of fun I'd go mad!
Yesterday I was accused of all sorts, causing him to go mad, being passive aggressive when defending myself, my fault that he is unable to speak to me, stopping him from going out (I do actually moan when he goes out until 3 or 4 in the morning and is unable to function the next day, a few pints down the local or doing something non drink related I encourage!).
He has no interests, no friends, just sits on his own in the kitchen all night and seems to think I am the wrong one for not wanting to do that with him.
I just don't know where to turn, he seems to be having issues with me being more independant, I started my own business which he hasnt really been bothered, even bought up yesterday in the argument that he put £200 in like it was a big deal.
So is he depressed or just an arse?

Doha Mon 02-Sep-13 23:11:39

I vote ARSE

fiddlemethis Mon 02-Sep-13 23:18:27

I fear you may be right!

OlympicSleepingChampion Mon 02-Sep-13 23:35:36

What Doha said. DP's friend smokes a lot of weed but still holds a demanding and well paying job down. He's also suffered from depression after his DF's sudden death last year. He's still working though.

Get rid and you will find a life you can only dream about at the moment. The arse is dragging you down into his pit. Leave him there, rise above it and be free.

Arse.

Hissy Tue 03-Sep-13 07:52:05

Arse, AND a bullshitter.

He can stop the weed today. He just doesn't want to.

Get rid.

fiddlemethis Tue 03-Sep-13 08:51:36

Its so frustrating, he wants me to stay at home (he's never said this but he isn't very happy when I go out) yet when I do stay at home we sit in different rooms anyway. I'd like to just point out when I talk about going out I mean once a week or once every 2 weeks, not out every night. I don't think I could cope with living with him while he gave up again, it was terrible. At least he has realised that cannabis isn't something that he has control over which is how he used to think of it, used to rant on to all and sundry about how it should be legalised......

He is an arse.

Weed smoking can lead to paranoid thoughts and self medicating his problems like he is doing makes things far, far worse. Now he is dependent on weed both in a mental and physical sense.

You are being dragged down with him by association.

Why are you together at all frankly?. What do you get out of this so called relationship?.

What do you think your children are learning from the two of you about relationships?. They see and hear far more than you care to realise.

getmeoutofthismadhouse Tue 03-Sep-13 09:22:15

My ex dp smoked a lot of weed and he was and still is extremely dependant on it. Altho he held down a full time job and is still very hard working . Not all drug users are bums .
It's a hard habit to quit and it can make the user extremely withdrawn , moody and obviously isn't helping your dh's depression.
The fact he is trying to stop you having a life outside the house maybe down to the paranoia smoking weed can and is likely to cause. For your relationship to work I suggest a very honest talk where you tell him he needs to quit the weed it will never make him feel better in the long run. He can then think straight without a cloud of smoke hazing his mind. Because the more depressed he gets the more weed he will smoke and then the more weed he smokes the more depressed he gets. Its a cycle and you need to try to break it together. You might find then without the weed he will be more open to you having more of an independance . Good luck !

You cannot and must not take any ownership of his weed addiction.

This problem cannot simply be resolved by talking; all he may hear from his wife is she "nagging" him.

fiddlemethis Tue 03-Sep-13 10:44:32

"What do I get out of this relationship" is an excellent question. At the moment, not much at all. He knows he needs to quit it and that it will end up killing him but he lacks the drive to actually do it. I just cant begin to imagine what it will be like to be on my own, I don't work as I have been looking after our children.

Hissy Tue 03-Sep-13 12:27:07

You need to tell him to get out, get clean, and not come back until he is.

fiddlemethis Tue 03-Sep-13 17:20:30

I've been out today with my mum and while talking with her I have realised how little I actually involve him in our lives, because he always says no when I ask him to come along to things I am taking our dds to I just dont bother anymore. Is it normal for a father to just want to be on his own at the weekends?

Hissy Tue 03-Sep-13 18:36:30

There is NOTHING normal about your relationships love.

Please get OUT of there?

fiddlemethis Tue 03-Sep-13 21:44:58

Just had a chat, it wasnt good. A lot of it was turned around onto me, even using my self centredness as an excuse as to why he still smokes it. I'm pretty numb at the moment, a part of me isnt suprised this has happened, I think in a way I have always been prepared for it because on some level I knew this would happen.

fiddlemethis Tue 03-Sep-13 22:12:51

He maintains that his issues arent solely down to weed, but childhood issues. He doesnt seem that bothered about getting any help for them though.

DistanceCall Tue 03-Sep-13 23:42:49

He may have childhood issues. So he needs to talk to someone about them.

Not interested in getting help? Get rid.

fiddlemethis Wed 04-Sep-13 09:35:08

Well he's gone,why if this is what's best is this so upsetting? Sat here sobbing.

LemonDrizzled Wed 04-Sep-13 09:47:32

Sorry to hear you are upset. But this is a turning point for you both. Either he wakes up to what he is losing and goes to get some help with his addiction and his depression and his issues, or it becomes clear he is never going to and you can start to rebuild your life and make it better for you and the DC. Well done for having the strength to let him go even though it hurts.

Now put the kettle on and have a brew and think of something small and nice you can do for yourself today.

fiddlemethis Wed 04-Sep-13 11:41:42

Yes, I think in the long run it will be good. I am going to concentrate on cleaning the house and make a cake with the little ones. Its terrible timing, my dd starts school tomorrow.
I'm just trying to figure out if somewhere along the line I am partly to blame for it all going wrong.

Hissy Wed 04-Sep-13 15:33:47

Don't you dare blame yourself!

smile

HE makes the choices, he smokes the weed, he therefore absents himself from his own life, his family.

If you don't put a stop to it, he's not going to stop.

Now perhaps he'll think.

You never know, it might work. If you carry on allowing him to fail you/his family/himself, he'll keep right on doing it.

You are NOT to blame.
You will be going over things time and time again and you will still keep thinking like this for a while yet.
BUT, it is nothting to do with you!
You will fine that now he has gone, that you can stop walking on egg shells and you can now be happy and independent and stop worrying about what he is up to.
Be strong and enjoy your new found freedom.

Hissy Wed 04-Sep-13 15:52:28

Oh and it's great timing, new starts for you all.

Sometimes you have to go through a bit of discomfort to get where you need to be.

If he stops the arseholishness, and the drugs, and in time he is allowed back, you win.

If he doesn't pull his socks up, then an arseholish weed-head is out of your hair. Believe me, in a couple of days you'll see the peace that brings, and you'll see it in your children too!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now