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I made a terrible mistake with my life

(49 Posts)
namevchange Mon 02-Sep-13 16:27:28

I have name changed for this, so if you recognise some of the details, please don't say who I am.

Two and a half years ago I met my now dh on a night out.

I was already married and had been for 11 years, since I was 19. We had one ds who was 8 when I met my now husband.

My ex and I were living separate lives. We hadn't had sex for seven years and had major issues with his family. He worked abroad and slept with prostitutes while away, went to strip clubs all the time. This I knew as I had to produce these receipts for strip clubs to our accountant when he was elf employed. It was humiliating.

I was so lonely. I have never had many friends but the few I did thought everything was rosey and that we were happily married. It was an awful sham, he made me feel worthless every day. Called me stupid as I don't have much of an education (I was so badly bullied that I left school as soon as I could after a suicide attempt at 15 as I couldn't take it anymore). He took every opportunity to make me feel worthless and talk down to me. I was so frightened to leave as without him I would have had nothing. He controlled all the money. He bought everything - I didn't even have a purse for our entire marriage, there was no point.

When I met dh I wanted to escape. Dh was the first man I had even spoken to in years. Six months after we met, me and dd moved in with him.

He was a mature student at the time but studying a degree in media that I knew wouldn't lead anywhere (a few of my friends have the same degree, they all retrained and none of them could ever use it). He was in his last year and I supported him. I soon realised I had jumped out of the frying pan into the fire. He's younger than me. One night he was telling me about a night out with a friend the weekend prior to us moving in together where they went to a strip club. I felt like my head was exploding after what I went through with ex h. Then I found out he had a porn addiction since he was 15.

Hes stopped watching porn. He used to drink a lot but only drinks once a month now.

I don't know what the point of my post is really. Only that I saw my old house for sale on right move. I loved it. It was my dream home. I walked away from it to be with dh and everyday I curse myself.

My life with ex was shit, but this is worse. I have lived with dh for two years and I have cried everyday.

Dd is happy though. Dh is good stepdad to her. He is good to me too, but he's so feckless. Today he announced he wants to leave his job and try and get a job doing something he likes, which he isn't qualified in, it's just a hobby. He hasn't a chance in hell of getting a job doing it, you need a relevent degree.

He won't listen and accuses me of holding him back.

We rent a shithole, we have nothing. I have no security. I am frightened for my future.

He puts his parents feelings before mine.

I feel like I am waking up from a nightmare. I threw away everything for this.

Oh, and I am pregnant.

namevchange Mon 02-Sep-13 16:30:58

It all sounds so much worse written down.

I can't leave dh because of dd. I would lose her. Ex has so much more to offer her. I am wondering if I should just let him have her.

I don't have any friends or family.

ageofgrandillusion Mon 02-Sep-13 16:33:04

Well you've made your bed OP so maybe you're gonna have to lie in it? Things clearly cant be that bad if you are expecting, and and at least he doesnt sound as bad as the first bloke. And he's nice to your dd.

GobblersKnob Mon 02-Sep-13 16:35:22

I am sorry you are so unhappy op, I think you need to start getting some sontrol of your life back and working out first what you want from life and then figuring out the baby steps that you need to take to get there.

noobieteacher Mon 02-Sep-13 16:35:57

You didn't throw away everything, you left an abusive an neglectful husband.

Your new husband isn't perfect, that's nothing new, he has changed and made an effort and is a good stepdad. He has dreams of changing his job, so that's healthy isn't it?

You describe your situation as a nightmare - is that because of lack of money? Remember there are many more like you living in a similar situation and of course that will be hard.

Perhaps you just need to accept your situation - it will change again in the future if you accept and take control of it.

noobieteacher Mon 02-Sep-13 16:37:01

Everyone needs friends, even if it's just one.

pictish Mon 02-Sep-13 16:40:30

ageofgrandillusion - that must be about the worst advice I've ever heard!
You've made your bed and now you have to lie in it? Can't be that bad?

Yes OP - put up with being deeply unhappy and crying every day, because you have no right to expect better, and at least he's not as bad as the last one.

confused

namevchange Mon 02-Sep-13 16:41:45

Dh and I are very different. He has a temper and won't talk without shouting and is also still quite immature.

He has a good job. With very good prospects. It's just a boring (to him) office job. He wants to lead an exciting life, not a normal one.

Yeah, we are skint. DH won't leave this city to live somewhere cheaper.

Ex said I could stay in the house at first and then we would sell it after 5 years and split the equity (he was relieved to split tbh, he didn't have to keep up the pretence of being the dutiful husband - his words. Apparently, he thought I'd have gone years ago) but now dh wouldn't move there as he didn't like the town. Stupidly, I walked away from it all for him. Long story, but I came out of the marriage with nothing. Didn't help that both ex in laws are very well known divorce lawyers.

I hate myself for waling away. If dh really loved me, he would have moved anywhere to be with me, especially not to uproot my dd. I can see that now and I hate myself for it.

JustinBsMum Mon 02-Sep-13 16:50:04

Ex must be providing for Dd? Swallow your pride, tell ex you made a mistake with new DH and you need to get out for a better future for DD and will he help pay rent for you both.

If he wants best for DD he might help.
Can you have an abortion?
You are relatively young and have time to sort things in the long term.
Stop dwelling so much on marriage mistakes and start thinking of a future for you and DCs (job? retraining? house move?) which will help in the long run. And look forward to being on your own in the future (though it might be a few years away).

BeCool Mon 02-Sep-13 16:55:16

"Things clearly cant be that bad if you are expecting"
I missed the part in life where miserable, unhappy people can't fall pregnant AOG.

OP you don't have to stay with this - you can change your future. Look ahead, make a plan, get out, be by yourself with your DC for a while.

namevchange Mon 02-Sep-13 17:00:12

No he won't help me. He's really not a nice person. He would gloat and take dd. He held going for full residence over me for a the first 18 months, constantly saying he would and then that he had changed his mind. He likes messing with my head. I only have email contact now, and only to arrange pick ups/drop offs and nothing else.

He even turned my dad against me. My dad now sees dd though him, spends christmases with him etc.

He's self employed and works for family so manages to hide his earnings. He never let me know how much he earned anyway, I had no access to money. He did the food shopping and I had to ask for clothes.

He gives me £300 a month maintenance, but we live in the most expensive place in the country and dh won't move.

I have retrained I did a course last year. Only I can't find a job as I have no references as ex didn't let me work (dd has health problems too so I had to look after her fully for the first six years, with all the hospital appointments, working would have been hard anyway).

The college won't give references after you leave - they have had instances where people have committed crimes over the summer and they have given a glowing reference so now they don't do it (it's working with children and vulnerable people, so I see their point).

I am looking for volunteer work so I can get references that way - but so far they all want references too, so I am going round in circles here.

I have never spoken about his before, sorry if I sound muddled.

namevchange Mon 02-Sep-13 17:02:32

I didn't think I could fall pregnant.

I had a massive haemorrhage with dd. I never had another period. Dr told me I was infertile.

I am now 12 weeks, even had 3 scans as I couldn't quite believe it.

tessa6 Mon 02-Sep-13 17:08:37

This could be a fresh start, OP. From what you have described you haven't messed your life up at all. You're just viewing all this from a tremendously gloomy, self-hating standpoint. That is the problem. Not your situation. What you have done is removed yourself from an abusive and awful situation with an infidelitous man who would have destroyed your self-esteem and from whom you were constantly trying to 'escape.'

Your infidelity in this case was about trying to find a way to have the courage to get out of that set up. Which you did, giving yourself a better future and your little girl too. Many people make the mistake of shacking up with the affair partner when really they were just a crow bar to get them out of a situation they were unhappy in.

However, i'd be careful here, your new fella doesn't sound half as bad as your ex. One strip club? A good father? Immature? These are all dealable with. Congratulations on your pregnancy. You could raise these children alone if you wanted, even though it would be very hard. Or you could really make this a new start with your partner, who it sounds like you are blaming in comparison to your ex. Stop comparing. You get to start a new life, in whatever way you want. Don't stifle it by branding your life 'a mistake'. Think of what you want it to be and turn everything to face that.

noobieteacher Mon 02-Sep-13 17:09:20

I think you may be feeling particularly over-emotional and helpless because you are 12 weeks pg. You are feeling trapped and vulnerable and that's understandable.

Does dh know you are pg and if not what will his reaction be?

namevchange Mon 02-Sep-13 17:11:42

I know I am not fair on dh, I do blame him for not moving to be with me. We could have sold the house and moved anywhere he liked within a few years.

But i could have always told him where to go.

namevchange Mon 02-Sep-13 17:12:05

Dh is over the moon about the baby.

Wellwobbly Mon 02-Sep-13 17:13:31

Namechange, how old are you?

Remember the old saying: how do you eat an elephant? Answer: one bite at a time.

Take one day at a time. Slowly but surely. You have now been sent TWO messages from the Universe that you must stop living your life depending on other people for happiness, and look to YOURSELF. Develop yourself.

If you don't want to be pregnant, you know what you have to do. If you can't bear that thought, commit yourself to your baby. There are no other options.

Where are the baby groups in your area? You don't have to be this lonely if you reach out. What other things can you volunteer or get involved in?

If you left school at 15, then it is time for you to train and get your GCSEs etc.

One bite at a time OP. There is only one person you can change, and that is yourself. Believe in yourself! Believe you are worth it! Believe you can change the course of your life!

namevchange Mon 02-Sep-13 17:15:00

I'm 33.

tessa6 Mon 02-Sep-13 17:15:27

That's great! Isn't there another way to phrase this? That you are in an emotional place, feeling worried for the nest you're building for your baby? Your partner has a dream and wants your support to pursue it? That you left a financially comfortable situation with an abusive philanderer for someone genuine, heart-led and paternal? Can you invest in any of these truths? Or are you truly truly unhappy and out of love?

tessa6 Mon 02-Sep-13 17:16:03

33 is very young.

namevchange Mon 02-Sep-13 17:16:57

I have GCSEs. I have also done a BTEC in health and social care level 2 last year that I got a distinction* for without batting an eyelid. I am far from stupid, despite what ex h said.

I just can't find a job due to references, it's frustrating.

Wellwobbly Mon 02-Sep-13 17:49:19

No, you are absolutely not stupid OP. Not a chance.

This is where volunteering comes in: out of one thing, other things happen. Jobs do morph out of volunteering, as you build up your 'reputation' of being dependable, competent etc.

Good luck.

namevchange Mon 02-Sep-13 17:51:26

I know, but I've been turned down for volunteer work (at homeless organisations, victim support and supporting children) due to lack of references as well! I honestly don't know how to get my foot in!

Vivacia Mon 02-Sep-13 18:43:30

I'm not sure if you should stay with your partner, but I do think a lot of this is to do with your perspective. Here's a quote which represents, for me, how much you are focused on these two men,

Only I can't find a job as I have no references as ex didn't let me work (dd has health problems too so I had to look after her fully for the first six years

Would it help to focus on you? You as a mother, a career woman, a swimmer, a drummer..?

(Also, what on earth is all of that universe sending messages about??).

Sleepyhoglet Mon 02-Sep-13 18:48:30

Personality wise he doesn't seem as bad as the first DH, but clearly he is less well off financially. If you could improve your finances you might feel better.

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