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Should my dh have dropped everything to help me?

(47 Posts)
Doubtfuldaphne Mon 02-Sep-13 09:25:15

My dad is livid with dh.
Dh stayed over at his sisters over weekend for a drinking session. She's about an hour away.
As sods law would have it I developed a nasty case of d&v and as I couldn't get hold of dh my dad came over to help me and look after dc's, from 5am -mid day. it took all day to get hold of dh and he made no attempt to rush back. When he did return he went straight to bed obviously very hungover. Sil sided with him and I got the impression they thought I was being very rude and difficult wanting him to come back to me.
I'm upset that last night he wouldn't get dd ready for bed and I had to do it (while feeling really ill) he was far more interested in sleeping off his hangover.
I just don't know what to think!

Lweji Tue 03-Sep-13 07:58:07

How many weekends on your own do you get?

Funny how these men think nothing of going off and returning when they please.

From all you said, I wonder if he'll ever take responsibility over his drinking.
What will you do when he's ill at home or hospital with liver failure? Will he expect you to take care of him? Or perhaps his sister will take over? Likely.

I do think you need to consider carefully your relationship.
Perhaps with Al Anon.

curlew Tue 03-Sep-13 07:47:51

As I said, going out drinking regularly at the expense of family life is the issue. But the OP had somebody competent and willing to look after the children- I don't think that bit is the problem, and I think it's clouding the real problem. Which is the drinking, the excuse making and the not pitching in when he got home. I would certainly only call Dp back from a night out if I couldn't get someone else to help me. But my situation isn't complicated by other issues.

CinnabarRed Tue 03-Sep-13 07:42:57

There's a difference between being a bit poorly, and passed out by the toilet....

D&V can range from inconvenient and crampy to hospitalisation. Sounds like the OP was at the more severe end of the spectrum.

And the H regularly goes out drinking at the expense of family life. He really couldn't be interrupted this once to look after his sick family? Really?

curlew Mon 02-Sep-13 23:14:54

It sounds as if there is more going on for the OP and her partner.

But if my Dp was out for a night with his family or friends, I would certainly try to call in help from somewhere else before I called him back if I was a bit poorly. And I would expect him to do the same........

CinnabarRed Mon 02-Sep-13 19:09:29

I just don't get the whole idea of not interrupting your partner's social life if you're ill.

If I were out overnight, and I found out when I got home that DH and the DCs had had D&V, I'd be cross with him for not telling me - I hate the thought that they'd been suffering when I could have been home helping.

DIYapprentice Mon 02-Sep-13 17:58:36

he should want to look after his daughter

Your father rushed back to look after his daughter, your 'D'H didn't rush back to look after his children, did he?!

MissStrawberry Mon 02-Sep-13 17:53:30

FGS a 12 year old should not have to help because his father is a piss head.

Doubtfuldaphne Mon 02-Sep-13 17:32:19

Thanks for the support everyone. He's got very defensive and thrown all kinds of arguments back at me such as'im always ill' and 'your dad was there-he should want to look after his daughter!' And also changed story to say they hadn't had that much to drink but his lift back took a long time to get ready and as I take ages to get ready I know what it's like. All v. Poor excuses.
It's all to defend himself against the real facts that his drinking is causing a lot of upset. His sister is a problem by encouraging this but he should be big enough to say no.

Loopytiles Mon 02-Sep-13 14:27:48

Sounds like a serious alcohol problem that his GP has told him is risking his health. And that his sister enables it or also has a problem. Some good threads on here about booze, and obviously also organisations like al-anon.

cleopatrasasp Mon 02-Sep-13 14:06:30

My DH would have been worried about me and would definitely have come home to look after the kids - surely that's normal, responsible and loving behaviour? I'm amazed people think it isn't and that weekend jollies trump caring for family members and their children. When I last had d & v I was so ill with it I spent hours lying next to the lavatory as I daren't move since the slightest movement set everything off again. There's no way on earth I could have looked after children and I am generally as tough as old boots.

Oh, and it's not the grandfather's job to take over a father's responsibilities just because he can't be arsed to come home, I'm not surprised your dad was livid as it shows a total lack of care for you and your children and he is your dad after all.

I hope you're feeling much better and will be back to normal soon Doubtfuldaphne. smile

TheWookiesWife Mon 02-Sep-13 11:38:52

hi - I hope you are feeling better now !!!
it's horrible when you are inwell - and having a supportive partner is what most people would hope to have ... sadly not all partners are as supportive as we'd like them to be :-(
now he's aware of this, I hope this doesn't happen again for you !
who knows - he might catch it next - then he will appreciate exactly what you were going through !

I agree with you OP.

Spending a weekend with your sister for the express purpose of getting wasted, when you have a young family at home and your doctor has told you to cut down on drinking, is not a great idea in the first place, let alone his ignoring you.

He must have quite a serious problem if they've been testing his liver function and it's bad. If he keeps binging even with that, then yes I do think it's fair to say 'drink or the family' (but only if you mean it).

You cannot make him change, but you don't have to make your kids watch their father drink himself to death.

Doubtfuldaphne Mon 02-Sep-13 11:29:17

Thank you. I hope he can confront his alcohol problem now.
He's meeting with my dad later for a talk which is great. My teenager was away on Sunday when I was ill but came back later that day to help. I say teenager but he's actually only nearly 13.

SooticaTheWitchesCat Mon 02-Sep-13 11:25:08

I don't think the problem is whether he came back from his sisters but his drinking propblem on the whole. I'm sure you wouldn't have been so angry if this had been a one off event. I woulnd't have expected my husband to come back but then he doesn't spend all his time drinking and is there for me most of the time I need him.

I hope you feel better soon and I also hope your husband sorts out his alcohol problem.

MrsOakenshield Mon 02-Sep-13 11:24:33

hold on - you have a teenager? Surely they should have been able to help out if you're poorly.

For what it's worth, I don't think that your DH should have had to have come home early from a planned social activity (and if me or DH had something similar planned i would have the following day written off with a hangover) - you have a teenager who should be able to do quite a lot, and your dad came over.

BUT, it sounds like the real problem isn't this one occasion, but your H's drinking in general. And don't blame his SiL, he's a grown man and knows where his responsibilities lie.

susiedaisy Mon 02-Sep-13 11:24:04

My exh had done this to me several times during our marriage. Turning your phone off or answering all other calls but not your spouses is shitty and really hurtful!

susiedaisy Mon 02-Sep-13 11:22:17

Ah my mistake it was his sister not sil

susiedaisy Mon 02-Sep-13 11:21:42

Turning his phone off and then going straight bed when he got home would be my problems with this situation!

What was the drinking session with sil all about ?!?

Doubtfuldaphne Mon 02-Sep-13 11:16:08

It's horrible isn't it? Especially with a toddler and a teenager to look after. I passed out at one point too sad
I want to know how long it'll last I'm still in bed feeling terrible now!

needsomeperspective Mon 02-Sep-13 11:15:09

Would nt dream of calling dh back from a weekend away if I had d and v. I would have stopped him leaving if that wss an option but wouldn't expect him to come back unless I was ill to the point of hospitalisation.

scarletforya Mon 02-Sep-13 11:14:14

D&V is properly ill. I had it a few weeks ago and there was no such luck as 'going to bed'....hugging the toilet, spewing my guts and the world running out of your bum is what it is.

It's the worst I felt in years. Impossible to look after kids in that state!

Doubtfuldaphne Mon 02-Sep-13 11:12:58

My dad is angry because its not his job to be looking after me its my husband's job really. Dh has no sense of responsibility. This happened Sunday when they weren't still drinking but sleeping with terrible hangovers!

QueenQueenie Mon 02-Sep-13 11:11:38

The real problem is the drinking. Choosing to go on a bender from the weekend away from home and drinking to such excess that he's pretty much useless for days afterwards? What sort of way is that to live when you have a family, what sort of role model is he as a father? The only person who can adresss that though is him. You need to decide how you feel about it, what you expect him to do / not do and have a frank discussion about this. Personally I wouldn't want to be with someone who does this.

curlew Mon 02-Sep-13 11:01:07

But she wasn't struggling- she had her dad helping her.

If I was visiting my sister and Dp called me back because he was ill when his parents or someone were happy to help out, I wouldn't be at all impressed,

Hassled Mon 02-Sep-13 10:57:57

I'm not surprised your Dad is livid. Listen to your father.

If your DH had been working then fair enough. But to leave you struggling so he could carry on drinking? That's really crap.

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