Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
So how do I accuse him when I know nothing has happened YET?(94 Posts)
OK so this is going to seem ridiculous but please bear with me. About 4 years ago, DH met someone through his then work. Nothing happened with them but I could tell he fancied her and there was definite 'chemistry' there. Whenever we happened to meet her it was awkward and you could tell she didn't want o speak to me.
Me and DH were going through a hard time at the time anyway. DS1 was a baby and we weren't really seeing eye to eye. We were on the verge of breaking up and I often wondered if this woman was possibly adding to the tenstions. Anyway, bottom line is that he left the job for totally unrelated reasons and he and this woman lost contact. They weren't really 'friends' as such, more work collegues, so didn't have each others mobile numbers or anything.
Anyway, years later, me and DH have recovered our marriage and gone on to have another child. I thought things were fine between us. I think they are. BUT today when we were out shopping he bumped into this woman. I didn't think too much of it but later he has sent her messages on facebook yet he's not actually friends with her on facebook so he has actively searched for her today. I know because he left his account logged in on the computer but anyway during these messages he manages to call her 'hun' say how nice it was to see her after all these years and his messages were all ended with a 'x'. She replies the same bullshit and then he asks for her phone number as he finds it easier to text than FB message.
So I know this. Knowing nothing has happened since he only sent the messages today but what do I do? Am I over reacting here? I feel very uncomfortable and I know I am probably being jealous and stupid. What do I do?
He's away camping with our eldest DS tonight so I have no doubt he's been texting this woman whilst there. I am so fucking angry but do I have a right to be? Could it be innocent? Bearing in mind he has not mentioned a thing about even bumping into her today, I feel like he's being shady messaging her without me knowing (only I do know but he doesn't know that!)
SO what do I say without just yelling and looking like a desperate twat?
Thank you for the update. So far, so good. Long may it continue!
Good news OP
You sound much more positive today. Sounds like a good wake up call to your DH too,
It's good to see that your dh listened to you and admitted to being an arsehole, also good that he made the choice to block her before you suggested it.
It seems he knows he messed up this time, reading the suggested book will also let him see just how easily things can escalate.
So pleased for you OP, this is a real positive outcome and I know you're still hurt but give it time, be kind to yourself over the next few weeks.
Take care x
glad you seem to be able to work it out.
Positive update OP - sounds like he is now clear about what is appropriate and where his boundaries should be
Ah good to hear op. I think you managed this very well. Your feelings are genuine, it was never about jealousy but about trust and having your dh make you feel secure and safe.
Many dh are very good people. But we all slip up sometimes. When the marriage is very happy, these slips can be very unsettling and hurtful. You realise something you thought was very secure can have bumps to. It puts you a little more on your guard. When I read done if the threads on here, I am very shocked at how awful some men behave and how some women are resigned to it.
However, not every slip up would have resulted in a shag. Yes it can happen and does, but I do think that some men recognise this complete betrayal.
Men think things are black and white. They forget that there is def a grey area, which whilst isn't necessarily a deal breaker, it can cause great upset and hurt which is not easy to get over. You wonder why he felt the need to go looking at other women even if the intention wasn't to shag them, just seek a thrill.
Hope all works our op, time will allow this to settle down and allow your dh to make this up to you. He now needs to prove you are his number 1.
That's a really positive update. I really hope that is an end to it for you both. It seems that he has done the right things.
Thank you for asking CakeExpectations. I am pretty OK thank you. I haven't been sleeping this past couple of nights because I've been too angry so last night I crashed at about 11pm and didn't get up til the boys woke me at 7:30.
We had a very very long talk last night. I brought it up calmly and asked him entirely what his intentions were. I believe he has answered honestly. He Bumped into her in a camping shop which he was getting a few odd bits for the trip with DS1. He says all he was thinking about was the stuff he needed and clearly wasn't thinking properly or at all about how this would affect me. He says he had absolutely no intentions of meeting up with her behind my back and certainly no intentions of ever having an affair. I did explain to him that these things are a slippery slope. What more lies would he have had to tell me and how far would it have gone? He did agree with me and say that absolutely he agrees he crossed a boundary. I explained that men very rarely go out looking to have affairs unless going out for a prostitute or something but these things happen when deceit and lies come into a marriage. When would he have told me they were in touch? How many times would they have been in touch if I hadnt have caught him out? these are the reasons why affairs start. He agreed but also said that was not his intention at all. He says he does know how important it is to be honest about everything in the future. We talked very calmly for a few hours and basically he agreed and said that he would never ever jeapordise our son's future for anyone. 'It's not just about us, we have two boys and we're their world. I am never going to blow that apart' were his words. Then he apologied for being an arsehole.
He also told me he has blocked her on facebook (I didn't ask him to do it because he brought it up and said it wasn't worth being in touch with her.) As a final act of my insecurities I will admit that I logged on to his account and checked she was in fact blocked. She was thankfully.
I also checked her page again and whilst there is no mention of a fiance or wedding, I dug a bit deeper and she is a member of a few groups like 'the wedding barn' and 'brides to be' so perhaps he wasn't lying about that. I did say if he was lying about that he needed to come clean. He swore she said she was engaged and having a wedding this year but they weren't talking for long so he has no idea when it was. I accept this and can not prove either way.
We have laid out a few rules and agreed that we need to keep the trust going because little lies can quickly escalate and once the trust is eroded there's nothing stopping the whole thing from collapsing. He agrees that we have a very good marriage and he made a big mistake in keeping things from me.
Over all, I am still hurt. I think he was maybe a bit wrapped up and excited to be taking his son camping for the first time and perhaps this added to his lack of judgement. He has sworn to me that he never text her number because he was camping with DS and the reason he took her number is so he could talk when he got back. I still hate that he did that and that he intended to text her. When would this have actually come out in the open? Who knows? I feel hurt that he showed such a massive lack of respect for us but I do feel better knowing we have opened up those lines of communication should anything like this crop up again. He's said that being her friend is not worth hurting me and he will let me know should anyone message him again. I did say that I dodn't want to be some paranoid nagging wife. This isn't about showing me every message, this is about her and the fact that he KNEW this particular woman made me feel uncomfortable. I am not normally insecure or jealous but my gut feeling about this girl is screaming that she's up to no good. I've never had this feeling from anyone else and I trust that feeling because it is so obvious to me that she's a shameless flirt who doesn't care whether DH is married or not. Her pictures on facebook of her pouting, sticking her ass out in mirrors talking pics of herself makes me think she's obviously thinking she's all that and can have whoever she wants. She is just not someone I feel comfortable with DH being in contact with behind my back! He understands that now.
I have told him that I will not be hurt like this again. He needs to think extremely hard before he allows people into our lives, especially when he knew how much I disliked this woman 4 years ago and how much she flirted with him even in front of me but then avoided eye contact with me. It really was sickening especially since I knew she was going out with DH's other friend at the time! Maybe she just flirts with ALL men, I don't know and I don't really care. She is no good for us and he gets that now.
Things are far from being back to normal. I will not forget this but I am prepared to work at this if he stays within the boundaries. He has agreed to read the 'Just Friends' book recommended on here because he agrees he didn't realise quite how much of a slippery slope it was until I stated it all calmly. All he was thinking was 'I NEVER SHAGGED ANYONE!' but now he knows how much of a betrayal it was and where my concerns were coming from.
I can not thank you all enough for your advice and support. I know I've ranted and raved and probably repeated myself a million times but I needed to know I wasn't being unreasonable and I genuinely didn't know what to do. Thank you to everyone who has offered their support and shared their stories. I am hopeful that this is an end to it and we will get back on track. I thank you all for that.
How are you feeling this morning OP? Hope you managed to get a decent sleep; it's impossible to deal with stuff effectively if you are tired.
Hi Quiltcover. She is 27 so slightly younger than us. I will write more tomorrow. Had a big talk tonight and will explain all when I have slept and feel a bit stronger. Thank you all to everyone on here for your support and hand holding through this. I really am amazed at the kindness you have shown. Gravy, you are obviously a very very strong woman. I thank you for telling me how it was for you. Will update more in morning.
It's not so much the sadness Quilt, it's like a broken vase that's been shattered, you can stick it back together but it will never be perfect again. It's left was I class as a scar, the wound has healed but the scar will remain as a reminder but it can be worked on and we've had some bloody good times since then, I do sometimes pause in the middle of the good times and wonder if it all really happened, how far we've come since.
Snugglepiggy, yes every emotion you describe I can totally relate to.
Sorry OP, don't want to take over your thread here.
At this present time this will be all consuming. I hope your dh shows willing to put things right tonight.
Please come back to us to let us know the outcome of your talk.
Ditto to all three points Gravy.
I have experienced every emotion they say is part of the grieving process.Shock,anger,profound sadness,numbness and sorrow so intense sometimes I felt I couldn't breath.
I can imagine that hurt gravy. When you love and trust someone do much and shared your life with them, the shock and hurt would be awful.
I do believe things can get better. The sadness will always be there, but marriage is very very difficult sometimes. Can bring such happiness but also so much sadness too.
You're admirable to forgive and move on. I hope I would do the same.
Quilt, the pain was like that of a bereavement but worse in a way.
Yes, dp knows this is last chance saloon.
I know that I'll never be hurt like that again.
Why would she want to invite him to her wedding? Aren't most people trying to cut down the guest list numbers?
Why would he need to be in contract during the one night camping trip? What's so urgent it couldn't wait to be dealt with on fb the next day?
Is he in the habit of calling all female acquaintances "hun"? Awful thought!
If Your spidey sense is tingling, don't ignore it. Leaving himself logged into fb means nothing- people are often caught through daft actions according to the threads on here.
What do you want?
Well said Snugglepiggie!
Glad things are healing though gravy. You sound like a brave woman. Your dh must know that he can never mess up like that again.
I can't imagine the pain of feeling like that. Time does help though. The 12 months after a new baby I think is the most vulnerable time in a marriage. I have seen it with the men I work with and even my own dh. Whether its porn, chatting on FB to an emotional or physical affair, I think if the opportunity arises it is much more likely to happen at this time then another.
You are right to trusts your instincts about this woman.If Your DH re-establishing contact with her makes you so uncomfortable that's enough reason for him to stop and focus his attention back on your marriage.Its time he was completely honest with you.And I would say you have intercepted something in the early stages.
3 years on from finding out about DH secretly texting and meeting an OW - who was saying she loved him and would love to give him a BJ - I am sadly and painfully aware how these things can spiral out of control.Even in marriages that have been strong and happy.
I didn't LTB by the way.And he worked very hard to understand why he was vulnerable to flattery,and what weaknesses of his - flirty,people pleasing, unable to say no - but trust takes a long, long time to recover and deep down the hurt will always be there.I was always very relaxed about DHs other platonic friends, but this OW was something else and I still so wish I had listened to my inner voice and been clear with him about boundaries and how she made me feel from the start.
There was more to it Quilt, dp acted like a kid in a sweet shop.
There was a dip in the relationship, opportunity, ego massaging, he was totally selfish and self centred.
Yes men (and women) can be very silly. It's where you draw the line really and it's as if dp had forgotten that line was ever there. He gave himself permission to cross it and didn't think of the repercussions at the time because he was in this little fantasy bubble, he'd had a 'hit' and liked it. I'm sure if I'd looked at his phone at that time I could maybe have stopped him in his tracks, who knows. Instinct was telling me something but I was looking in the wrong place!
How old is she? Who is she supposed to be marrying? When is the wedding? Could she be trying to make your dh jealous?
Did it seem like your dh was lying?
The wedding lie alone would pass me off to be honest. I would seriously sit him down and say "I want you to tell me if the wedding invite was a lie. If you admit it we can start to work on things. If you lie to me now I won't ever be able to trust you again."
looksgoodingravy ouch, meeting for a bj? Risk everything for that. Men are very silly. When things like that happen, you have to really dig deep and think whether it was a one off. Ltb is not always the right option. Life isn't that simple.
Yuck, the thought of her deliberately chasing him BECAUSE he was married makes me feel physically queasy. Maybe it's about her ego being stroked too really. What a pathetic shallow girl she really must be. What a weak and pathetic man he must be though! Yes this is the first time he's put a foot wrong to be fair to him. Having aid that, I did tell him 4 years ago she fancied him and he never accepted that. He just said she totally doesn't. It wasn't too much of an issue at the time really because I was so busy with our new baby and I knew DH wouldn't do anything with her. I suppose nearly 5 years more of parental drudgery, me being a couple of stone heavier and having another child may have made him see it as a bit more exciting this time round. He needs to block her on facebook, good idea. I shall suggest this. He has said he wouldn't go to her wedding now. 'It wouldn't be worth it.' It wasn't really 'worth' messaging her at all then really was it H ???
Looksgoodingravy, thank you for sharing your story. I admire the fact that your DH has completely changed and that you have been able to move on. I really don't know how to move on yet. I just keep thinking what could have happened. I can't babysit him for the next 5 years for fear of what may happen if someone pretty shows an interest.
Like I said, 5 years ago I completely blocked my male friend out of my life because of how things were heading and things he'd said to our other friends. It wasn't easy because he was a friend but NO friend is worth ruining my marriage and our family over. I cut him out completely, deleted his number, blocked facebook etc and always kept DH entirely in the loop. We saw this man at another friend's birthdays a while back, he was there with his now partner. I deliberately did not engage in conversation with him. I didn't even say hello actually (which may sound rude but I couldn't risk it leading to 'how are yous? what you been up to? etc) I stayed with DH and our children in the kids party room.
Sadly DH couldn't show me the same respect when it came to this woman.
Join the discussion
Please login first.