Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
So how do I accuse him when I know nothing has happened YET?(94 Posts)
OK so this is going to seem ridiculous but please bear with me. About 4 years ago, DH met someone through his then work. Nothing happened with them but I could tell he fancied her and there was definite 'chemistry' there. Whenever we happened to meet her it was awkward and you could tell she didn't want o speak to me.
Me and DH were going through a hard time at the time anyway. DS1 was a baby and we weren't really seeing eye to eye. We were on the verge of breaking up and I often wondered if this woman was possibly adding to the tenstions. Anyway, bottom line is that he left the job for totally unrelated reasons and he and this woman lost contact. They weren't really 'friends' as such, more work collegues, so didn't have each others mobile numbers or anything.
Anyway, years later, me and DH have recovered our marriage and gone on to have another child. I thought things were fine between us. I think they are. BUT today when we were out shopping he bumped into this woman. I didn't think too much of it but later he has sent her messages on facebook yet he's not actually friends with her on facebook so he has actively searched for her today. I know because he left his account logged in on the computer but anyway during these messages he manages to call her 'hun' say how nice it was to see her after all these years and his messages were all ended with a 'x'. She replies the same bullshit and then he asks for her phone number as he finds it easier to text than FB message.
So I know this. Knowing nothing has happened since he only sent the messages today but what do I do? Am I over reacting here? I feel very uncomfortable and I know I am probably being jealous and stupid. What do I do?
He's away camping with our eldest DS tonight so I have no doubt he's been texting this woman whilst there. I am so fucking angry but do I have a right to be? Could it be innocent? Bearing in mind he has not mentioned a thing about even bumping into her today, I feel like he's being shady messaging her without me knowing (only I do know but he doesn't know that!)
SO what do I say without just yelling and looking like a desperate twat?
Ahh yes mexican alledgedly she told him about the wedding whilst I was off with the boys and he bumped into her in the shop. He apparently doesn't know where the wedding is, they really weren't talking for long, literally 5 minutes. But it's apparently soon and she'll be seding out invites soon. hmm, I don't know. Why the fuck would she want to invite someone she only worked with for a few months and hasn't actually seen or spoken to for nearly 5 years??? It doesn't really make sense to me. I really wouldn't be surprised if he's just made that up to try and stop me from being jealous. This is the thing. I now find myself doubting EVERYTHING. Such an little thing. A few messages sent on facebook but it's made me question everything now in a way I've never had to before. A few months ago I'd have swon on my children's lives that DH would never ever cheat, now I find myself wondering. I know he never has cheated but I am not sure he wouldn't be tempted if this girl was putting it out there. It feels so horrible. Like I'm just waiting for it to happen now. If I had to put a stop to it this time, what's to stop it from happening next time? Would he tell me if he saw her again? Would he text her without telling me? I feel I don't know him anymore. I know he'd just think I was being over dramatic but it feels very raw. As he says he hasn't actually DONE anything and I know that. He only messaged her for one day and there was nothing explicit or no mentions of a meet up behind my back. So why didn't he just fucking tell me?? That is what bothers me more than anything. If he thought I'd be awkward about him being friends with her again then what was he going to do? Just keep lying to me forever, meet up with her and not tell me??? I don't see why he would need her in his life given the way I told him it made me feel in the past. I really am so angry. I know it must seem pathetic. I know people get caught doing much worse, but it just makes me feel like I am fighting the tide now. If I hadn't have stepped in and stopped it, where would the lies have ended?
Quiltcover, we do actually joke about who we fancy when out and about, I'll point out girls to him who we both agree are gorgeous. I have no problem with him looking at other girls. He'll do the same with other men he says are attractive etc. There's no harm in that at all. We really are like best friends which is why this hurts so much. Not only have I lost trust in my husband but everything I love about him seems to be coming under the shadow of doubt now.
He apparently took her number because he was camping with our eldest son that night and didn't want to be messaging on facebook at the time so thought it would be easier just to send her a text when he got back. I don't know. The whole thing seems dodgy to me now. I am under no illusions as to what he could have been planning or whatever fantasy he may have had. Maybe it was just the attention. Or maybe it was friendship. I have no idea.
Well done for confronting.
The bottom line is, is that he can do whatever he likes. But he can't do whatever he likes and still get his home comforts.
Warn him very, very clearly that he will be choosing, that he cannot have both. That to do things in secret behind your back is devastatingly hurtful and disrespectful, if he wants to be free he must just say so.
In fact, you should take yourself off for at least a week, tell him, because you feel sad angry and hurt about what has happened and how he doesn't appreciate the damage his EA caused. Go off, don't tell him when you are coming back, stay away for 10 days or so
and that might concentrate his mind a little
Sweetheart, you seem to be repeating to us and yourself over and over that nothing has ever happened with this girl.
her behaviour towards you 4 years was a huge red flag
are you absolutely sure about this ?
Yeah I am sure. I know he never cheated. She was actually seeing another bloke that they both worked with at the time. Also he never had her mobile number back then and never had to 'work late' or anything. He was pretty tied to me and our baby. He didn't even go out on any night out or anything. He came home for lunch to see our baby so he'd have struggled to fit it in but of course I can never be 100% now because of this.
It was just obvious how much she fancied DH. Which DH is just so bloody oblivious to (or is he???) Maybe he liked the attention. He didn't act awkward when we were around her. It was her kind of avoiding eye contact with me and looking at DH with a flirty smile. I know for a fact that she is his 'type' though. She has the long dark hair and the pretty brown eyes. I know from when are pointing people out to each other he always goes for.
Also from the messages it was all very kind of chatty, no mention of anything happening in the past or any activities. This is going to sound very nasty now but she comes accross as a bit easy, maybe that's attractive to men. I just thought more of my DH. I can't believe anything now can I?
Can you get him to show you the texts they sent?
I think you are right to be uncomfortable with this. It strikes me as very odd that she would invite you both to a wedding that is very soon (so presumably numbers were all sorted ages ago) when she clearly didn't like being around you years ago and she allegedly hasn't seen your DH for years either.
That's what I thought. She definitely hasn't seen him for years because it said in the messages 'was nice to see you after all these years hun' Apparently she gave her number through facebook but he didn't get round to texting her because he was with DS. He was intending to text her when he got back though. I have had a look and her number isn't saved, even under anyone elses name and having checked facebook again he has deleted her messages so as far as I can tell he doesn't have her number. What's to stop him from jotting it down though? I won't know now because he did this behind my back. He could be doing or planning anything.
Actually, DH said she was planning on inviting HIM to the wedding. There was no mention of me (which I kind of undertand since I've only met her 3 times and clearly she didn't want to speak to me!)
Sounds like they had an emotional affair all those years ago. Here is a good link.
The other thing I want to point out is that people having emotional affairs are usually in denial that the friendship has crossed boundaries - they are far too wrapped up in the buzz to think rationally and a cold sharp shock is the best way of bursting this bubble.
I still don't belive there will be a wedding. I know I must sound ridiculous but surely there would be a mention of it on facebook. Her wall isn't private so I can see her statuses. No mention of a fiance or a countdown to the wedding, noone else asking her about it, no photos of her and a man. Looks like the profile of a VERY single girl to me. Typical selfies of herself pouting and sticking her tits out No mention of a boyfriend or fiance. Just lots of 'crazy nights out' and self pictures.
You could be right OP - that there is no wedding. The secrecy and lies are enough to raise an alarm.
Always trust your instincts - these were telling you something was going on 4 years ago and that its about to start again....
So either way, not good. If there is a wedding and she was planning on inviting just him to the wedding, was he intending going? Given the history of their friendship, I that would be utterly disrespectful of him towards you. So why didn't he just say 'thank you, but no' when they met? If there isn't a wedding and he has made the whole thing up, how bloody hurtful to invent a wedding invitation just for himself from someone that he knows makes you feel uneasy.
The whole thing smacks of him feeling flattered by the attention and out for a little ego stroking.
Well done in confronting him, OP. these things are definitely best nipped in the bud.
My ExP and I knew a girl like this. She shamelessly flirted with him but was strangely over friendly to me. We later split up as he said he wasn't in love with me any more (we had been fighting a lot about unrelated stuff and it was a relief tbh.) and a few mths later he got with her. They are now having a baby and ironically he is not allowing him to have a friendship with ME!!
There is a certain type of women that are a dangerous breed IMO but he was doubly in the wrong. He is married! It will be difficult for your trust to be rebuilt now but he presumably isn't stupid, the stakes are very high for him. He probably enjoyed the ego massage, silly man.
I think you're upset because you had do much trust in him and he has shown that he can have his head turned and behave inappropriately for a bit of a thrill. Difficult and upsetting when you have assumed he was dedicated to you and would never act so silly. Makes you question lots of things and what would come next,
Yes. That's it. Silly bloody man! I am not even upset by her to be honest. If she is single, he has very little to lose, although she is a bitch when she knows he is married with 2 children whos lives would be utterly devestated by this. It's him I am annoyed at. It's him who has deliberately gone out of his way to keep something from me. Dickhead.
Sorry, ^ she ^ has very little to lose obviously not he!
And the thing is, if he can have his head turned so easliy, do I want to spend the rest of my life checking his phone, wondering who he's chatting with on facebook? This is just not how a marriage should be. I just don't think I can forgive him this easily. However innocent he protests it was. Would it have stayed innocent??? He claims once the invitation was posted he would have told me when he received it. I don't know. I highly doubt there's a wedding. The pics of her out in the clubs dressed like a slut out for 'crazy nights' out with the girls, no mention of a fiance on there, no photos of him. If she is engaged, her fiance should be very worried! If she's single then more power to her, be as slutty as you like. But not with my husband. That said, he's the fucking idiot who was willing to piss away 12 years of our lives for a secret relationship. fuck them both to be honet.
Stupid stupid stupid man. I would have trusted him with anything. He really was my very very best friend. Can it ever be the same? I just can't see how. I don't want to spend every day like today worrying about it. Wondering if he has secretly made a note of her number. Wondering if he has messaged her on facebook. I just don't and won't live like this. I never ever thought this would be us. What a fool.
Meandtheboys, he has seriously got to put in the work to rebuild your trust so tell him what you need from him. No phone passwords, informing you of email and FB password plus any changes. IMO he should be a completely open book from now on.
If there is a wedding, which I seriously doubt, I would be expecting him to decline the invite. You have done nothing wrong here. HE has to do the work to earn your trust back. He is bloody lucky to have you!
Thank you Fackinell. That means a lot. Sometimes I sit here and look at myself and think 'hell, I'd wanna fuck her instead if I was him.' I know this doesn't excuse his behaviour at all though. I don't blame myself as such. He asked me to marry him. He vowed to spend the rest of his life with me and be faithful. We both chose to have children. We both chose this life. Yet he seems so easily to have put it all at risk over a pretty girl. I feel so stupid and ugly. I wonder if there are truly any nice men out there? I wonder if anyone is ever 100% trustworthy. I really thought my DH was. I really thought he was one of those rare men who could literally have someone naked dancing on his lap and he'd say 'no thanks, I'm married.' What a stupid cow I am. How naive I was. I do feel like an idiot for ever building this image of him. Now I feel like everything is so delicate and easily broken. Like it's this huge weight on my shoulders now. We've known each other since we were 14 for god's sake. Been together since we were 18. 12 years of being a couple, 7 years of marriage and 2 gorgeous son. If he gives all that up and contacts her again then there is no way of it being my fault. BUT of course, it's not really done my self esteem any good at all. I agree he needs to be an open book. But then I think, I don't want to have to read every email, every message, every text forever wondering. Anyway, thank you so much everyone who has posted and thought of me. You have shown me there are lovely people out there somewhere!
Oh and he WILL not be going to the wedding. But I doubt there will be an invite. I doubt there is a wedding or even a boyfriend to be honest. This bothers me that he's STILL lying though and there's no way of me ever finding out.
I know the normal advice is not to communicate with the OW (not that she is, strictly speaking) but in this case, because I feel you really want to know the truth about it, would it be worth speaking to her? Or maybe double bluff him and tell him tonight you've spoken to her about the wedding - what does he have to say about that, then see what he responds with. TBH I hate that sort of game playing, but I would hate the not knowing if he was lying or not more.
Presumably if he has deleted her phone number and messages, and isn't in contact with her, then he won't have had opportunity to tell her not to send an invite (when did she get his address?), so will the invite still be arriving through your door any time soon?
I'm sorry haven't got time to read the whole thread so don't know if any progress has been made. My suggestion would be - though he'll know you sneaked a peek at his facebook convo - is to ask him how he would feel if you met an old 'colleague' on the street, went to the effort to look them up on facebook, initiate a conversation interspersed with 'hun' and kisses, then swapped numbers so you could text each other... I don't think he'd be happy so why should you be? I would explain to him that he is a married man WITH children and should not behave this way (it's a bit lovesick teenager-ish to me). I'd ask him not to have contact with her and to be present when he tells her he doesn't think it's a good idea to 'chat' to each other. To use an analogy, it's better never to open the box of chocolates as, once open, they're much harder to say no to!
Well she knows our address anyway because her and her then partner who they worked with used to drop each other off and pick up for work etc. We still live in the same house so presumably she'll remember the address. If not, I suppose he intended to send her our addres via text or facebook. I really don't know. But I am 99% sure there will be no sodding wedding invitation! And if there is, then bloody good luck to her fella and my husband will not be attending.
She could easily send him a message on facebook asking for his address even though they're not on each other's friends lists, you can still send messages. She apparently won't have his number as he never got chance to text her when she sent the number via facebook (followed by a couple of 'xx' by the way ) He has promised he will be honest if she contacts him. He says he understand how him lying about it is what upset me more than him being in contact with her. My argument was that if you're just friends then there's no need to keep it quiet. He understands this so he says and said he'd be pissed too if the roles were reversed. He's saying all the right things...but then don't they all in this situation? I don't believe any of it now. No matter how much he may mean it. His words don't mean anything to me at the moment. I don't know when or if they ever will again.
I feel like a twat. I just keep thinking what would have happened if I hadn't seen those messages. If he's only stopping (if he has indeed stopped) because he was caught out vefore anything happened. The whole thing is just suspicious and inappropriate. The thing is I have always always respected him. Always been faithful. Never ever ever would have text another man (except my brother!) kisses. It's just not something I'd feel comfortable with doing, especially behind his back. Oh and the calling each other 'hun' <boak> we don't call each other hun. Who the fuck does? (sorry to any hun users haha!) but nicknames and terms of endearment are not appropriate when I have already told him she made me feel uncomfortable 4 years ago!
What he should have done is come back to me in the shop and said 'hey I just ran into xxxxxx, she's getting married and wants to invite me to the wedding. What do you think?' It would have been that simple to do the right thing. But he didn't. He thought he'd keep it quiet, then message her kisses. fucking dickhead.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.