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GD very hostile to my new relationship please help.

(12 Posts)
Ripley89 Fri 30-Aug-13 16:33:05

New to MN. Three years ago my beloved partner of ten years had a mid life crisis and left me for a much younger woman who he has since married.
It has been simply horrendous for me and DC (now 12 and 10).
I have been completely focused on my children and getting through this.

Nearly a year ago I met a wonderful man and while I was very wary at first this has grown into a lovely relationship that makes both of us happy.

Now I want things to move on but dd (10) is furious at the idea of my having a man in my life, my son (12) likes my new man very much and is fine with me having met him. Dd is hostile, very upset and feels threatened though of course I have no intention of moving him in or making any radical changes yet. We see eachother about once a week, at his end as we live 40 miles apart.

I feel desperate to make it all OK but she is intractable. I also feel that I do not want to forgo this happiness after the misery of my xdp's betrayal and departure.

Can anyone advise me or share their experiences please as I am at my wits end. Thanks.

Happeningagain Fri 30-Aug-13 16:36:36

All I can think is that you see him at his end. I can see why your dd might get fed up with that. Why is he not the one doing the legwork here? Your dd is probably still upset at your xp (understatement) and is being rightly cautious where this new guy is concerned. Have you spent a lot of time reassuring them after the breakup? Perhaps she's getting to an age now where she needs more of your attention and feels that your new p is threatening that?

Ripley89 Fri 30-Aug-13 16:41:40

Oops Meant DD in thread title.

tribpot Fri 30-Aug-13 16:42:42

How do you want things to move on, if you don't plan to live together or make any radical changes?

You're entitled to your life, and whilst it may be difficult for your DD to come to terms with the fact her dad isn't coming back, he isn't. I would keep persevering - and your ex should be willing to help reassure her as well.

Ripley89 Fri 30-Aug-13 16:48:02

My ex doesn't know yet as I have been taking things very gently with my new man. I was very hurt by the fact and manner of my ex leaving and wanted to take things slowly to protect myself and dc.

MexicanHat Fri 30-Aug-13 17:03:09

How does your DD get on with her Dad's new wife? It is possible she has always hoped you two would get back together?

Viking1 Fri 30-Aug-13 17:18:03

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ripley89 Fri 30-Aug-13 17:21:19

She tolerates her. New wife much younger, needy, calls DDs father pet names in front of her, has tattoos and looks a "bit rough" according to everyone who has encountered her. I met her once at the beginning of dear ex breakdown (for this is what it was all bells ringing) and she seemed just very young and obsessed. Our story is very like the film ' Fatal Attraction' except bunny boiler got what she wanted. Dd not impressed. My ex spent over a year coming and going in complete meltdown saying he "didn't love her , she was a needy manipulative controlling child who thought he was going to sort out all her problems but I can't leave her as don't want to hurt her". It was like being flayed alive and yes, I did think he would see the sense in coming back to us. 4 days before he married her we went out to lunch and he said " I am going to deny ever having said this but things have got out of control and its too late for me to pupil out". Desperate business. Carnage our end.

Ripley89 Fri 30-Aug-13 17:24:44

Thanks Viking1. Very heartening to read. I have been so careful and considerate concerning dd and ex. But treading on eggshells is exhausting and ultimately not what dd needs.

MexicanHat Fri 30-Aug-13 18:47:32

OP a similar thing happened to a friend of mine. A few days before the wedding to the OW the groom turned up on my friends doorstep and said 'she only had to say the word'. Unbelievable.

You sound like you have been through hell and you deserve every happiness. I too have a 10 year old DD and at that age it is all about them smile Stick in there!!

Shapechanger Fri 30-Aug-13 18:54:46

Poor you, sounds like you have really been through the mill.

Does your new boyfriend know about her hostility? Is he prepared to deal with it, or is he insecure or impatient?

I have a dd a little older than yours... she started getting moody at 10, puberty happens earlier than it shows. This may not all be about your new relationship, it may just be that she is changing anyway.

I would echo what others have said... you can only do your best to reassure her but beyond a certain point you have your own life to live as well as being her mum. She has to understand that: don't allow yourself to be tyrannised; be firm but make it plain that you won't end this relationship to suit her, that you deserve happiness too.

Your ex sounds like a twat; you are well rid.

hesterton Fri 30-Aug-13 22:44:38

Is there any other adult you and your daughter trust who might be prepared to listen and talk with her about her feelings? She may just need kind reassurance from a third party that her own little world isn't going to crumble for a second time.

School might have a counsellor.

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