Sorry if this is long, trying not to dripfeed. NCing regular.
My DP and I have been together 8 years, lived together for 6 of them and have a DS who is 4. We have been engaged for 6 years and we have always worked hard to make the relationship work; making time for eachother and treating eachother with respect. It has been a very happy relationship and we have only recently run into problems.
He doesn't communicate well, he admits that he finds it difficult to express himself and worries about 'saying the wrong thing'. He tends to bottle things up and only come out with how he has been feeling ages later when I drag it out of him. I'm no ogre but I'm not afraid of talking things out, arguing them through. He hates arguments.
For example, if we have to go somewhere. I ask, are you sure you want to go? He says, yeah I dont mind. We go. He gets all quiet and I ask whats wrong and he tells me he would have preferred to stay at home as he's tired.
Any arguments we do have tend to be as a result of him not listening to me, so I have to repeat myself again and again. It infuriates me. I admit, I get frustrated and snappish with him when this happens.
We talked about how these small issues seemed to have become bigger in recent months and my DP admitted he has been feeling very down due to work stress and we spoke to the doctor together. He was prescribed antidepressants, he feels they are working. I said I would support him in whatever way he needs me to and he promised to talk to me about his feelings rather than bottling them up.
However, he has admitted that he no longer feels the same about getting married, which we were planning. He says the idea of it really scares him but he cannot put his finger on why. We were also planning to have another child, and he now says that this also worries him and he feels very frightened about it. (Although during a recent pregnancy scare he said he was happy no matter what happened, when the tests were negative he was clearly relieved).
He says that he doesn't know how he feels about anything any more. I stayed very calm when he said this (although inside i was freaking out) and encouraged him to tell me if he feels differently about me. I reassured him that if he feels we should take a break then we can do so, if he wants to leave, he should do what makes him happy. I genuinely love him so much that if he would be happier without me then I would encourage him to go, although it breaks my heart and I'm crying typing it.
He said he loves me and our child, its the one thing he's sure of, and he wants to stay.
He has been feeling better, feeling more like his old self, has taken up an old hobby again and is generally chirpier and brighter. I feel like at any moment it will all fall apart. I cant shake the thought that he doesn't want to marry me, doesn't want the child I am longing for. He isn't talking to me about his feelings, so I have no idea whats in his head.Is he bottling it all up just waiting until it all comes tumbling out again?
Tonight, we had a minor disagreement (over parking of all things) and I said what are you thinking about, and he said 'just wondering if this is going to work'. I can't live like this, wondering if he's going to change his mind, if he feels how he says he feels, if he is being honest when he says he is happy... if every little argument or disagreement is going to make him wonder if he wants to make this work.
I love him, I want to understand him, I want to work hard at this relationship. I am already giving up my dream of getting married and having more children until he is ready, if he ever is.
If you've got this far, thank you, one question...
Am I being an idiot?
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Where am I going wrong?
13 replies
tryagainbetty · 29/08/2013 00:17
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