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Gathering my thoughts - am I mad, or is he a tosspot?

(124 Posts)
shadowofmyself Wed 28-Aug-13 22:18:24

I think I need to ltb - unless I really am mad?

I'm sorry, this is dreadfully long as I need to gather my thoughts. I've also name changed as I don't want to be linked to my other threads.

We have been together 17 years, married for eight and have a baby. I have been with him since I was 19- I know nothing else. He is 10 years older and previously had a marriage of convenience.

We have not had sex in over 18 months and before that, it used to be every couple of months only and over in minutes, that's if he could keep it up. (Our five month old was conceived with fertility treatment, after many years and many attempts).
This may be bearable if he showed me any affection, any hugs or kisses or anything at all, but there is nothing. I am not allowed even on the same sofa as him, so there is not even any cuddles in front of a film - which I would have no choice in anyway. I lost two stone in weight before I got pregnant, but it made no difference. He is about five stone heavier than when we met but thinks he's gods gift.

I have given up trying to get any affectionate response from him, even a cuddle, as the rejection floors me. Even when I was pregnant, he wouldn't massage me or rub my back
unless under duress. He only rubbed my back during my 50 hour labour because I begged him in front of the midwife. He keeps saying how hard the labour was on him!

Financially, we each pay in what is supposed to be a fair and equitable amount to a joint account to cover the household bills - except he's never upped his side since the late nineties, even when he was earning far more than me. I now earn more than him, but am currently on mat pay. This set up has seen me accumulate massive debt as I have paid for most things - our wedding, all fertility treatments, bills, any holidays, renovations and the latest: all expenses from our recent move (this means I am having to cut my maternity leave short). He's never contributed to Christmas and the only things he's bought our baby is a £5 babygro and a puppet toy. He won't pay towards childcare and was not interested in looking at nurseries with me, so I've looked and made the decision myself. While I've struggled and rummaged in the reduced bins, he's been guzzling anything up to four bottles of wine some nights. I even pay his mobile bills and he made me put his expensive car repair bills and glasses on my credit card. Of course he's never paid a penny towards this. I very much resent him for this. I realise this makes me an utter mug.

I have been alienated from any local friends - and most of my friends and family are four hours drive away. If I do meet anyone locally, he belittles them so I don't feel I can talk about them. I am very, very lonely but do try and get out to baby groups. The only thing is I find it very difficult to relax and join in as I have no confidence, so haven't made any friends. I find it hard to trust anyone or think of anything interesting to say.

There is no conversation - every night he's in front of the telly (I have no say in the programme) and he'll ignore me if I try and talk. The TV is on full blast as soon as he wakes, even if I'm asleep. I sometimes think he should have married the Samsung instead.

He won't go out with me, even to the cinema. If I get a present for birthdays or Christmas, there's no thought in it - I get things like remote control daleks or spacehoppers. Something last minute and the first thing he's seen in a shop. I'd love to see some live music or theatre, or get a book - but he doesn't think what I might like. It's like I'm not worth any thought at all.

If I ever offer an opinion that differs to his, he shouts me down or ignores me. He comes out with dreadful bigoted stuff and when I protest, he says I am easy to wind up. I don't want him spouting this vile stuff around my son, even if in 'jest.' Apparently this means I have no sense of humour.

At the weekends, he wakes me up to make him a cooked breakfast, even if I've been up through the night with the baby and even when I was recovering from the c section. After I'd had the section he was straight on at me to do the housework and pushed me so hard physically (in terms of activity) in the first couple of weeks post partum that I got a terrible wound infection. I had a hard time getting breast feeding established and when I was upset and doubting myself as as mother, he just shouted rather than offering support. He goes on at me about housework all the time then huffs and puffs and makes a show of redoing it to his standard. It makes me feel useless - I think I must be if I can't even stack the dishwasher or mop the floor right.

I'm pretty sure he gaslights me - denies I've said something or does something stupid then blames me. As an example, he left a bottle of breast milk out at room temperature over night, so it all had to be thrown away. When I asked him why he hadn't put it in the fridge, he shouted and blamed me for not telling him that it had to go back in the fridge - our son is five months old!

At the weekend he called after work to say he was meeting a friend for a couple of beers and would be back by 7. I was absolutely OK with this and said I'd get dinner when he came back. Except he didn't roll in until after midnight, steaming drunk. I wouldn't have minded so much if he'd have let me know so I wasn't hanging on waiting re. dinner and to let him in as he hadn't got his keys.

Today, I went to hang some washing out but the line went very slack. I brought it back in until I could get the line sorted and mentioned that I may have to get a new one and he started shouting and swearing at me. I asked him not to swear but he kept cutting me off when I tried to explain the line had gone funny - but he turned round and said he swears because of the way I speak to him and I was 'lucky I didn't get more than swearing from him.' At this point, I ran upstairs telling him to F off and not come back (I know I shouldn't have sworn, but I hated him at that moment). He went to work carrying the sandwiches I made for him. He came back this evening and has still not spoken to me - worst thing, he's not even cuddled our little boy.

If I ever confront him he says no one else would have me and I'm lucky to have him. He says I'm a moody, high maintenance cow.

There's more. I could probably write a novel, but I'm exhausted.

To the outside world he's charm personified - no one would ever believe me and would just take his word that I'm a nightmare to live with.

Perhaps I am and I just need to accept that despite my university education and career I'm fundamentally useless, unattractive and not worth talking to.

His good points? He's good at his own PR, he can be witty, he can be generous when he chooses to be, he loves our boy...

I know you'll all say to ltb and that's what I'd say if I was reading this too. He's all I've ever known though. This is my normal. He'd deny all this and say I was mad. My friends and family would all think I was horrifically stupid if I left as he's always saying 'what I'm like' to them so I'm sure they must wonder why he puts up with me.

Maybe it is me who's mad, I don't know. I just don't trust what I'm thinking or my instincts anymore.

I'm not expecting any replies to this behemoth post. I just needed to get it all out of my head as containing my unhappiness is making my head spin.

Thanks for reading, if you haven't died of boredom!

KatOD Wed 28-Aug-13 23:13:52

Complete tosspot. Absolutely unacceptable. Can you go and stay with family/a friend who'd give you some help so you can get a bit of perspective?

bestsonever Wed 28-Aug-13 23:29:55

The madness you have is only to have stayed so long and even gone to extra lengths to have a child -which would of needed thought and time to think if this man would be a good father candidate. How you thought he would be is amazing. However, you are beginning to see the light now, perhaps because you are a mum and can see the damage is not going to be just to you but your child. Don't be too hard on yourself, this man is a piece of work and he got to you when young - some grooming I'd say. 10 years is one heck of an age gap at 17. See the light, end it all. You will be financially better off and happier also. There really is no reason to continue.

LovesPeace Wed 28-Aug-13 23:43:01

Leave.
You couldn't be any less happy or less confident.

You sound articulate, caring, successful, hard working - and worth so much more than this. X

tightfortime Wed 28-Aug-13 23:59:34

He is chronically insecure, this man.

He knows he isn't good enough for you, wonders how he got such a lovely young thing to adore him, despite his drinking, weight gain, impotence.

So, the only way to keep such a butterfly is to trap them. Make sure they don't leave. Systematically undermine them, belittle them, gaslight them and have them change to suit them at all costs.

Especially as you were so young, so malleable.

He genuinely thinks he has you right were he wants you.

Well he can fuck off. Find your spine, put your child first and get the hell out. You do it all anyway, you'll be fine - better without the eggshells to walk on and man child to please.

I know this because I was you but the abusive behaviour was no where near as bad.

What's the one thing everyone I love has said to me since I left?

It's good to have YOU back. They do notice you know.

Please, Please, put yourself first for once and LTB. You sound fabulous, articulate, smart and reasonable. He is not.

Buzzardbird Thu 29-Aug-13 00:07:17

If I were you I would get really, really excited...about the life you are about to start without him. thanks go for it, what do you have to lose?

Cluffyflump Thu 29-Aug-13 00:08:05

God he sounds cruel.
Get rid for your sons sake as much as your own.

nomorelostweekends Thu 29-Aug-13 00:20:34

I don't normally post on the relationships board but he sounds utterly vile. You deserve so much better. And so does your ds. I am so very sorry that he has made you feel this is what you are worth. I promise you he is wrong. He is abusive, manipulative and does not deserve you. Sending love and hope for a better future.

I'm so shocked at your OP. What an excuse for a life you're living with this dreadful thing. I can't call him your dear anything he's hideous.

Who've you told in RL?

Bogeyface Thu 29-Aug-13 01:47:11

When a man says that no one else would put with you, he is actually talking about himself. What he really means is "I cannot believe that someone so clever, funny, kind and beautiful is putting up with a piece of shit like me".

Custardmiteofglut Thu 29-Aug-13 05:37:04

He sounds like an utter shite.

The swearing/shouting, lack of affection and financial abuse, to name just 3 things from your OP are bad enough, but when combined with everything else makes for a whole package of misery.

What do you get out of this relationship?

Are you his wife or are you his maid/bank account/child minder?

Your know its not right because you're posting here. You have the power to change how you behave - why not start with a crash diet, losing 15 stone of useless flesh and bone that is your 'D'H.

You deserve so much better.

Cavoodle Thu 29-Aug-13 05:55:18

You are not mad, this is absolutely awful, abnormal behaviour on his part.

Ask yourself very carefully "What does he bring to my life? What does he do for me as a partner? Does he make he happy?"

Now re-read your post.

Can you see ANYTHING positive in what you have written? Other than the existence of your son and the fact that he is all you have ever known?

There is not a shred of evidence from what you have written that he cares about you in anyway whatsoever. You are worth so much more than what this man has done to you. Please, please leave him, for your sake and your son's.

ElaineVintage Thu 29-Aug-13 06:48:08

Please leave this horrible man. Please. x

Ledkr Thu 29-Aug-13 06:58:33

Oh come on! You know what you have to do. What precisely would you miss if you left?

Do you think he will get nicer during the next 20 years?

No, nor do I. sad

He is a tosspot

toriap2 Thu 29-Aug-13 07:15:48

It seems he is so scared of you leaving and realising what a tosser he is, that he is trying to grind you down so much that you will stay. He sounds very insecure and a complete knob. As people have said, not everyone will have fallen for his act and they are probably very worried about you it don't know how to say it in case they are wrong. My advice would be to go and have a happy life with your son.

You are not mad. He's the mad one here.

You must leave him asap before he does any more damage, he's done more than enough already. Womens Aid can and will help you here; you need to take the first and often the most hardest of steps, to call them. You have already taken a baby step by writing on here so you've done another hard bit.

He regards your child as a possession, this person does not know the meaning of the word love.

This person has systematically taken you and destroyed every fibre of your very being. It will take some considerable times, years even, to recover from him. I was not totally surprised to see that you met him at 19 when you had no real life experience behind you, he hit paydirt when he met you and you fell for his charm and flattery. This is likely also because no-one else to that date had really paid any attention to you.

BrianButterfield Thu 29-Aug-13 07:26:13

So you pay for everything do everything round the house, have no sex or affection and he talks to you like shit.

Hmm, what exactly would the difference be without him? Oh yeah, he wouldn't get to talk to you like shit. Seems like you'd have more money without subsidising him, you wouldn't have to make his sodding breakfast and you'd be happier. Another one who is not a LTB-er but this is a no-brainer.

Oh, and your family? Probably suspect what a nob end he is already, no matter what he tells them. I know in my family we've never been surprised at people splitting up and we were usually glad.

ThereGoesTheYear Thu 29-Aug-13 07:34:16

You poor thing. What a cruel man he is. You won't believe how nice your life can be until you leave/get him to leave.
People are smarter than you think. They won't all have been fooled by his PR, as you'll learn when you separate and you hear 'we never really liked him anyway'.
He may love his son, but really, what sort of love is it that allows him to not hug his son just because he's fallen out with you? Do you want your son to grow up with this behaviour? No good can come of sharing a house with this vile man.
You sound lovely and bright and capable. Speak to someone IRL - call Women's Aid as you are most definitely being abused.
You're going to be alright. Your life with your beloved son is going to be glorious. But you have to screw up your courage and separate from this vile man.

CelticPromise Thu 29-Aug-13 07:48:22

He sounds vile. Don't waste any more of your life on him. You only get one, and so does your son.

Yuck. Cock lodging cunt.

ofmiceandmen Thu 29-Aug-13 08:11:19

OK I think it's unanimous - He's an utter sh*t

What about practical solutions - I think OP is perhaps crying out for help (after all, by the time most of post - we have tried everything we can possibly think of).

OP - financials: you need to start saving up and getting your credit situation sorted.

Cut back on expenditure that is not directly linked to you and DC.

Cut and sky subscriptions and if need be get a small 15 inch TV and sell off the one you have. DC will still enjoy it Partner will not

Turn your life around and begin to enjoy being you again. Give him responsibilities with child care etc thus allowing for more you time and time to get your head around things.

Exit plan. Look at family support etc and make moves in that direction. so you have a team ready for when if you decide to leave.

Hence forth - life is about your and DC's happiness. Time to put that armour on to protect you from his little snipes, and time to look forward.

The MN big guns will come with more female orientated advice - that a humble chap can't possibly think off.

(FYI I went through pretty much this, so I can empathise. - depression or otherwise - this is who your partner is now, forget all previous versions of him. you can't fix him, but he can destroy you)

Good luck

Svrider Thu 29-Aug-13 08:17:42

I think something another poster said on a different thread is really relevant

This is the best it's going to get
It can only get worse

Think about that for a while

Is this really what you want from your life and for that of your son?

Nothing will change unless you change it

Wishing you strength OP

TheBakeryQueen Thu 29-Aug-13 08:23:46

Please get the idea out of your head that he loves your son. If he truly loved your son, he would treat the mother of his child with respect. He's nurture you so that you can nurture his baby.

He is not normal, I think the only person he loves is himself.

You sound clever & articulate & a wonderful mum. You just need to get away from him. You need some good legal advice to get him out of the house. Don't be too nice. From now on make him pay for your son. Legally, and morally, he has to.

Be a good role model to your son. Don't let him grow up seeing his dad treat his mum like crap. He will think its normal.

TheBakeryQueen Thu 29-Aug-13 08:39:50

And please read the Lundy Bancroft book 'why does he do that?'. It will make you see him for what he is & realise that not only are you not mad, but that he is unlikely to change.

It's not you, it's him.

LoisPuddingLane Thu 29-Aug-13 08:50:17

Please find the strength to leave this man. Out there somewhere is a life without all this shit. flowers

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