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Why did she say this?

(58 Posts)
pickledbeetroot Mon 26-Aug-13 22:05:58

When I was 11 years old my mother turned to me and said

"You are not and never will be as beautiful as me."

It was completely out of the blue. I don't know how to stop thinking about it.

whycantimoveon Tue 27-Aug-13 14:51:56

The thing is I dont think you will ever win, because I now feel guilty about not contacting her much !!

Every now and then I will ring her because I feel sorry for her..

I have serious issues about my nose :-( I am saving for surgery and I will get it done one day!

Just remembered another one she does! my daughter has very long, slim legs, which my Mum has and so do I. When my Mum talks about my daughter, she always goes on about how lovely her legs are and how she should thank her (my Mum) for them! all she has ever said about mine is that they are OK, but 'bandy'!!

I tell my daughter every single day how beautiful she is and will continue to do that for ever and ever!

pickledbeetroot Tue 27-Aug-13 14:20:34

Thanks for the link unlikely, I'll have a good look later as I busy atm.

whycant funnily enough my mum always used to comment on my nose! There is always something to make a negative comment about hmm

I totally understand how you feel, I get depressed when I speak to my mum too. I'm going to distance myself from her, I'm definitely stopping unsupervised access with my DSs. I get worried she'll be upset, have no idea why as I'm sure she won't be half as upset as she's made me over the years!!

whycantimoveon Tue 27-Aug-13 12:54:37

Nowhere near as bad as some of the stories on here, but my Mum always used to make me feel ugly, I used to ask her if I was pretty and she used to say 'yes your OK' or 'apart from your nose, your fine I suppose'

She often says in public how afwul a child/teenager I was. She makes it out like a joke, but im 40, could she not just let it go now!

When I split from my H, she said I shouldnt be going out anywhere 'at my age'

I lost loads of weight, went to the gym and have never looked better, she said I was 'too thin and looked silly'

I have really really distanced myself from her now, I hardly ever contact her and I know shes upset as she has told my brothers that she is, but it just depresses me when I speak to her.

So sorry I cant help OP, but I know how you feel ! (sort of!)

pickled have a look at this link .

Well done on creating a happy family for yourself!

pickledbeetroot Tue 27-Aug-13 09:40:58

That must've been hard queen, your childhood taken away from you. Unluckily for me I did end up in the wrong crowd, but I met DP through that crowd and we are now healthy, happy and the parents of two gorgeous boys. That time of my life is just a big blur, I have no idea what really happened and that's scary. But I'm very lucky to have come out the other side, I hate the thought that if I hadn't of met DP I might still be in that state now.

QueenofWhispers Tue 27-Aug-13 08:55:23

I had sustained quite a lot of verbal and mental abuse up till that point, while being the only childcare for my half-siblings from the age of 5. If it wasn't for the fact that I had to watch 3 children under the age of 3 almost full time...I may have become involved with the wrong crowd. Thank goodness for my full time job!

pickledbeetroot Tue 27-Aug-13 06:31:07

Wow alfafa what a comeback shock

You must've been very mature to think that at that age queen. I just remember crying and hiding in my wardrobe!

True thoughts though, it's definitely not hard to have a better personality than my mums. She says having a hard life growing up in a small council house (she's one of nine) has made her a strong and better person. I always think if that's the case, then I'd hate to think how much more cruel and selfish you would've been without that upbringing!

QueenofWhispers Tue 27-Aug-13 00:56:36

My mother said this to me too. i must have been around 11 too, I had just started my period (I think it was my second or third of my first period).

She's actually my step mother, but she's raised me since I was two so she's the only mother I have ever known. When she said it though, I just figured, okay you can be as pretty as you want, I'll always have a better personality.

AlfalfaMum Tue 27-Aug-13 00:28:16

It says more about her than it does about you. You know that.

My mum used to say cruel things when I was growing up, she never complimented me, she'd say I was fat and spotty (when I wasn't especially either); and when in my early teens I said the classic "I hate you!", she said she hated me too hmm

Bogeyface Tue 27-Aug-13 00:23:40

Thank you, I wish you all the best too smile

Even saying to yourself "Enough is enough" can be very empowering, your "voice" has changed throughout this thread alone.

Keep the faith smile

cozietoesie Tue 27-Aug-13 00:23:04

Best of luck.

pickledbeetroot Tue 27-Aug-13 00:19:39

bogey what you went through and how you have come out the other side is amazing. I wish you and your sister all the best.

I'll look into counselling tomorrow. Hopefully then I can start to plan my happy future smile

Bogeyface Tue 27-Aug-13 00:09:33

And yet she was the perfect mother hmm

You need to talk about this with someone unconnected who can help you deal with what you went through. My sister doesnt remember many of things I do as she was younger, but she is now in therapy and quite distant from my parents as she has only now realised how abusive our childhood was. She was the "good one" (believe it or not) who learnt to cope by being everything they wanted. I was the "fuck you" child. I get on far better with them now because I barely had any contact through my thirties when I said "enough", and they respect me far more than they did. They actually seek me out for my thoughts and opinions, help me out without strings attached and are very respectful of my choices because throughout my life I have never ever bent to their will. Eventually, that paid off, but it was a long and painful journey.

pickledbeetroot Tue 27-Aug-13 00:06:53

cozie your posts are stating facts to me that deep down I already know and that I need to remember. I need to sort my life out before it starts affecting theirs.

Oh god I'm going to bloody cry. But in a good realisation kind of way smile

pickledbeetroot Tue 27-Aug-13 00:04:09

bogey sad I'm so sorry that happened to you and your sister. I have no idea how anyone could do that to a child, I just cannot begin to comprehend.

My mum makes holidays out to be idyllic as well. She sent me, age 7, and my drunk father out to get some more wine at 11.30pm. In the middle of Spain. I was told to "look after him and not to let him chat to people for too long". I was so bloody scared, the streets were packed. When we, eventually, got back I was sent straight back to bed (having been woken up) and I cried all night and wet myself too. I was ignored. I was scared stiff.

cozietoesie Tue 27-Aug-13 00:01:18

Sorry pickled but in my book, it's better to have no birth family than a family that's screwing you up and over. And in any case, you have your own close family now - your DH and DCs. Don't let the past be visited on them.

pickledbeetroot Mon 26-Aug-13 23:56:09

It's very daunting bogey because as dysfunctional as it is they are they only family I have sad

I don't really have any close friends, DP tries to help. He doesn't quite get how I put on a happy face around them and can actually be on a high after seeing them. Then the memories come flooding back in and I get very down, he tries his best to understand. He has had words with them many times and has also suggested counselling.

Bogeyface Mon 26-Aug-13 23:51:31

My mother always goes on about our holidays. She forgets that even they werent the childhood idyll she thinks they were. She forgets the time that her and my dad made my sister and I (sister was 4 at the time) stand in the corner of our hotel room for so long that my sister wet herself as she was too frightened to ask to go to the toilet. I cry remembering that.

How could you do that to a child?

cozietoesie Mon 26-Aug-13 23:51:04

Right. Then I think you do have to consider cutting contact. I'd go for counselling first though or you're going to be consumed by guilt.

But don't let your DCs go to their house by themselves again. That would be a line in the sand for me.

pickledbeetroot Mon 26-Aug-13 23:47:51

Thanks for the post and link bogey, the thread sounds like it could help me a lot.

A classic line of my mothers is "what are you talking about? We had a brilliant time, I took you to...". So the thread sounds perfect really!

Bogeyface Mon 26-Aug-13 23:44:53

They risked your childs health for their convenience, that is child abuse and that alone is good enough reason to cut them off.

pickledbeetroot Mon 26-Aug-13 23:43:36

cozie it wouldn't work, they'd make me feel stupid and I would believe I was being stupid. They would say I was being 'a bit dramatic'

They love my DSs so much. I can't trust them with them though. DS1 went to theirs for the day and was recently potty trained, they put a nappy on him so they didnt have to bother taking him to the loo. He came back home and the nappy was dry. Poor DS had held his wee in all day sad Their incompetence to do the simplest things amazes me.

Bogeyface Mon 26-Aug-13 23:38:39

burden

Bogeyface Mon 26-Aug-13 23:38:25

Then images pop into my head of her crying to me when I was a child because she was so upset and depressed.

So she put the burder of her "depression" onto you too? No counsellor would roll their eyes at you, they really wouldnt. You have been brainwashed, you really have. I think counselling would be a very good idea.

Bogeyface Mon 26-Aug-13 23:36:38

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