Why did she say this?

[pickledbeetroot]

When I was 11 years old my mother turned to me and said

"You are not and never will be as beautiful as me."

It was completely out of the blue. I don't know how to stop thinking about it.

[mammadiggingdeep]

Really??? I'm so sorry, that's sad :( how's your relationship now? Is it something you could talk about with her?

[Suelford]

That's a weird thing to say to an 11 year old.

Perhaps she saw what a beautiful young woman you were becoming and felt threatened? Or maybe she had very low self-esteem and was trying to reassert herself over a 'safe' target? Or maybe she was feeling bullied in some other area and was taking it out on, again, a safe target? All the possible explanations boil down to it being such an odd thing to say to a child that it's probably best to chalk it up to a moment of madness, unless it was in a pattern of similar behaviour?

[HMG83]

My mum has said similar over the years. Add that to everything else she has done or does and it's clear my mother is a classic narcissist.

Really sorry your mum said that to you, it's not nice and it's not normal.

[DfanjoUnchained]

Because she is/was a narc

[MexicanHat]

What Suelford said. Obviously felt threatened by you. What an odd thing to say, how sad. I tell my DD that she is beautiful most days.

[pickledbeetroot]

I don't really know about our relationship. I can have a nice time with her and then after she's gone I think about the past and what she has done. I get really upset and angry with myself for having a nice time with her.

I've tried talking to her in the past, not for a long time though. She just laughs, says I make things up and makes me feel really small. Or gets really defensive and accuses everyone of turning against her. DP says I should talk to her, but it wouldn't achieve anything.

[cozietoesie]

Did she drink, pickled?

[cozietoesie]

PS - sorry, hit post too soon.

That sounds to me like the maudlin, self absorbed thoughts of someone who is more than a few sheets to the wind.

[pickledbeetroot]

I've only realised recently that things she did when I was growing up affect the way I am today.

I cannot take more than 10 seconds to get to my young DS when he is crying otherwise I start to panic. I realise this is because I spent hours crying in my bed and nobody coming to calm me. I was so young yet I remember so vividly.

[WinkyWinkola]

Gosh. What a bizarre thing to say to a kid.

It's a shame that an "Aw fuck off you sad, shallow moo," wasn't a possible response.

It's actually normal to hope your dcs are better and do better than you, the parent, in every way. I'd be delighted if I knew my dcs had gone far further than I ever have or could.

It's not normal to compete with your children nor is it normal to focus on their appearance compared to your own.

I'm sorry op. Your mother is completely in the wrong here. You should feel assured of that and perhaps not take much or any of what she says seriously ever.

[pickledbeetroot]

Yes she liked to drink cozie, im not sure how much she drinks nowadays. Everything goes downhill when she's had a drink. She turns everything into negative and argues a lot. She then argues that she's not arguing, she's 'debating'!!

When DS1 was a few months old she got very drunk at a family dinner and turned the music up very loud (a habit of hers). I explained that DS1 was asleep upstairs and I needed to hear if he started crying as she didnt have monitors. She refused after we explained the situation repeatedly. I went upstairs and DS1 was crying I was so upset. Shes so bloody selfish.

[Aussiebean]

My mum told me she loved me but didn't like me when I was 13.

Unfortunately there are mothers out there who will say awful things to their children.

I would guess it was jealousy and control

[pickledbeetroot]

I agree winky, I could never say anything like that to my DSs. I also want them to achieve so, so much whereas with her it always feels like a bit of a competition. She is very self absorbed.

[cozietoesie]

Then I would put it down to that, pickled. Drink acting on a foolish and self-absorbed mind. You don't have to make allowances for it or even try to understand it because I'm not sure that you can understand a mind in drink taken. Just remember that it would have had nothing to do with you.

[pickledbeetroot]

I don't know aussie she was smiling, she looked completely infatuated with herself.

[SoftKittyWarmKitty]

So sorry, OP. Sounds like you've tried hard to discuss it with her but she either denies it or plays the victim. I doubt whether further discussion would be of any benefit. Was your dad around at the time, or siblings, and if so, what's their take on it?

When I was about 13 and going through a very self conscious and awkward phase, my mum just turned round one day and said, sneeringly, 'You look a right mess'. I was devastated and confused, and to this day I can recall clearly where we were, what I was wearing and how my hair looked. Best thing was, at that age I had no money of my own and therefore had little control over what clothes I was bought to wear, getting my hair cut etc., so there wasn't a lot I could do about how I looked.

She has said other things about my looks since and I very rarely get compliments. However, I know it stems from her own crap childhood where her mother was very unkind and insulting at times.

Luckily my DS tells me I'm beautiful lots, so I'd rather listen to him (even though he's biased ) and I don't really believe him.

[pickledbeetroot]

I just find it so bloody confusing how anybody can put drink before their childrens welfare! I understand that everything is not so black and white though. She never drank on her own, always with my father. They had a whale of a time.

[pickledbeetroot]

My father was around but he had no backbone and just did as she said. It's still like this today.

I'm sorry about your mum softkitty I'm sure you're very beautiful!

[cozietoesie]

You don't know that for certain though, OP. You just might not have seen things at 11 so she could have been canned to the wide most evenings. All I can judge is that that sounds very like someone who is mentally meandering with you as an incidental.

(Which isn't very pleasant, I grant you, but is better than actually being targeted.)

[ImperialBlether]

Having a whale of a time can often mean proving to the world that you're having a whale of a time, OP.

What she said just shows how jealous she was of you.

Would it help you to reduce the contact you have with her?

[pickledbeetroot]

I think I've always known it was the drink talking, but I always just see her smirking at me in my head. It hurts that she denies these things ever happened and that I'll never get an apology. I've been thinking about relocating and changing my contact details. Perhaps if I don't see her the flashbacks will stop. They just come out of nowhere and ruin the day. They are probably ruining me.

[Yamyoid]

Do you know about the stately homes thread?

[pickledbeetroot]

Stately homes?

[EBearhug]

My mother came out with gems like this every few years, sometimes publically, and she was even sober sometimes (not always.) It's one of the things I don't miss about her.

It does affect you - I have been seeing a counsellor since she died, because I still find it difficult to deserve more, that anyone will actually love me and want to be with me. I know it on a rational level, but getting to believe it on an emotional level is a work in progress. One that I'm not sure is progressing well, really. I don't know how you stop thinking about it a lot of the time - not at the times it counts, anyway.

Have you tried counselling, pickledbeetroot? May be worth considering.

[Yamyoid]

I haven't been on it myself as fortunately haven't had the need, but there's a support thread for people with toxic parents, known as the stately homes thread. It should come up with a search.