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(26 Posts)
IronCurtain Mon 26-Aug-13 21:35:36

I really need some help...

I have just told DH of two years (7 together) I want to break up. He's had an EA lasting at least 6 months for which he's still not accepted any responsibility. Despite the daily texts and phone calls, the ten texts in one single night, the lies about me being a crazy and paranoid wife, somehow I still feel shit.

I have an amazingly supportive family and group of friends ( planning to move in with one of them tomorrow morning). But I am still wrecked with guilt as on paper we are the perfect couple. All of our friends looked up to us. But going into detail, he's been SO passive and took me for granted for a long time. I, apparently, am a selfish bitch for 'throwing it all away because I felt neglected for a few months'.

A few weeks ago I decided my new mantra will be 'I deserve to be happy'. I am only 27, no DC involved, am very successful professionally and I know I'll be happier on my own. Why am I still wavering despite all the lies and the deceit?

Long term lurker, my first ever thread. Appologies for any grammar & spelling mistakes, English is my second language and I'm typing on iPhone. I guess I am just looking for validation that leaving an unhappy relationship is OK and that putting up with insults and criticism constantly is not. And, since I am a perfectionist, that one failed relationship is not the end of the world.

Thank you for making it so far...

YvyB Mon 26-Aug-13 21:39:35

You do deserve to be happy. And if you don't behave as if you deserve to be happy, no-one else is going to behave as if they believe you deserve to be happy too. Think of it as a lucky escape. So much harder to extricate yourself if you have dcs. Good luck.

alterego2 Mon 26-Aug-13 21:39:38

I am here. And to me, you sound amazingly strong.

You have done the right thing and you know it, I think. 27 is so young. You will meet the right person and be much happier.

Stay strong.

CoffeeTea103 Mon 26-Aug-13 21:41:48

Keep saying that you deserve to be happy and one day you will believe it. Look at the positives you have, supporting family, no DC involved, successful career. That is more than most people have to start over with.

As for feeling a failure, it will only be a failure if you fail yourself by accepting less than you deserve. Don't live to serve other people's perspective of you, as you said other people look up to you. Make yourself happy first. Life is too short to spend it being unhappy.

AndTheBandPlayedOn Mon 26-Aug-13 21:43:06

You are doing the right thing. You do not need anyone's permission to break up with your husband. It is none of their business. It sounds like your h has already emotionally checked out, you are just seeing it for what it is and doing something about it without drawing it out into a long and painful drama. Good for you!

akaWisey Mon 26-Aug-13 21:44:39

Sorry Iron I know it's shit.

But relationships don't exist on paper do they, except in romantic novels and rom coms.

You know you did the right thing, he clearly isn't accepting responsibility so off he must go. And you DO deserve to happy, happier you WILL be but not yet. You're wavering because he is blaming you for this but it isn't your fault, you didn't force him into an EA, he chose that path.

Since you have no DC's you can go totally no contact and I promise you it will help you get over it and regain your sense of proportion and a healthy dose of anger before you know it. By the time he's realised the mahoosive mistake he's made you will be well and truly over him.

pictish Mon 26-Aug-13 21:44:51

A few weeks ago I decided my new mantra will be 'I deserve to be happy'. I am only 27, no DC involved, am very successful professionally and I know I'll be happier on my own. Why am I still wavering despite all the lies and the deceit?

Fuck knows, because you know it's not on.
You stay because he sounds so rational. You think he might have a point.

He doesn't...if that helps. He's just a manipulative shit who excels at blame shifting, to divert attention away from what he did wrong. All if a sudden it's you with the problem hey? How the fuck did that happen?

27 and no kids. Don't look back.

tribpot Mon 26-Aug-13 21:47:58

Hopefully your friends will all learn the valuable life lesson - no-one ever really knows what another couple's relationship is like. Time to give up your dream of a 'perfect' relationship and go looking for one that fulfils you, nurtures you and enriches your life.

Had you fallen into that trap of thinking (or god forbid saying) 'thank goodness I'm past all that dating stuff and settled down'? It's a big jolt to realise the path you thought you were set on ends here and you have to find another one. But you cannot possibly stay with someone who thinks so little of you.

You've been with this guy for basically your whole adult life. With a few more years of experience under your belt I think you would have clocked him as the prize wanker he so clearly is a bit sooner grin Live and learn - and have fun doing it.

mcmooncup Mon 26-Aug-13 21:48:09

You are doing exactly the right thing.
You are 27 and do NOT want to have children with a cunt like this.

You do deserve to be happy.

I wish I was as clued up at 27. Screw what others think.

IronCurtain Mon 26-Aug-13 21:48:14

I am tearing up right now. Thank you, lovely people! He's fallen asleep now, having had way too much to drink (common scenario).

Deep inside I know I will be ok. I just wish the next few weeks would go by faster. How can he claim to love me and in the same sentence say I am crazy and a 'psycho' for not putting up with all the lies? Apparently it's ok as he hasn't actually fucked her. Well I'll be fucked if that's good enough for me.

MrsWedgeAntilles Mon 26-Aug-13 21:48:56

So sorry you're going through this.
You're wavering because this relationship is pretty much all you've known in your adult life. However, can you imagine an another 50 or 60 years of feeling like you do now?
Also IMO the correct response to your spouse telling you they've felt neglected for months is to get down on your knees and work like a demon to make them feel valued again.Calling you a selfish bitch doesn't really cut it does it?
Good luck, lady, you've got the world at your feet now smilel

MrsWedgeAntilles Mon 26-Aug-13 21:55:21

Also, I left a shite relationship when I was 27. I then went onto to travel the world because I'd always wanted to, met a lovely man, married him and had a gorgeous baby.
No one can be happy all the time but life is too short to be with someone who only makes you unhappy.

pictish Mon 26-Aug-13 21:56:54

Quite right OP.

His response to your hurt is to ball it up and shove it right back at you. Nothing to do with him eh?

MrsWedge is right.

He doesn't think he's done anything wrong btw. What he is expressing to you, is precisely how he feels. He will do as he pleases, and you will stfu.

This is not a good man.

BabsAndTheRu Mon 26-Aug-13 21:57:22

I was the same age when I left my XH. Guilt is the way I felt as well. It was this stomach churning feeling of hurting someone by leaving. My x kept saying as well you've stolen my future. But the guilt does pass and you feel like this because you are a good person. He had choices too and he chose to treat you badly. We had no kids either. I went on to meet my DP and now have three wonderful DCS. We are all so happy, I'm with someone who loves and respects me and who is my best friend. Yes I lost friends along the way but that always happens with divorce. Although traumatic at the time and took a while to get over its the best decision I ever made.
Happiness comes in small doses so grab it with both hands.
Wishing you strength and happiness from all here at BabsAndTheRu.

Chin up OP. you are only young, and you can and will do better than this. Don't settle for someone who treats you less than you deserve.
And don't wait for him to fuck her or someone else because that's the next step he will take. If you put up with this...
Best wishes.

IronCurtain Mon 26-Aug-13 22:03:12

I don't know why I haven't posted on MN sooner.

I should say I had to take a 10 month assignment abroad as this was key to me being successful in my chosen career (in my own country, this was a one-off project). All this while I based a lot of my decision on his career

Apparently he looked somewhere else as I wasn't there for him. This is despite me traveling home every three weeks, and him only visiting me once. The decision to take this job was mutual and at the time he said he was fully supportive of me going away for a few months. So how come I spent 10 months traveling back and forth while he was enjoying his new little friend?

He even tried to blame the OW in this whole sad story...as if she was the married one. he's told me a couple of weeks ago: 'good luck finding someone better'

27, I have a lot to offer and a good moral compass. You know what, I plan on doing just that!

you already have someone better - you!

good luck to him 'being' someone better. don't fancy his chances.

tribpot Mon 26-Aug-13 22:19:27

good luck finding someone better

I quite agree with him - but not in the way that he meant! You won't need that much luck to find someone better than this entitled prick. And even if by some chance you don't - swallowedAfly is quite right, you do already have someone better - you.

BabsAndTheRu Mon 26-Aug-13 22:34:33

It's really predictable the things he is saying to you, don't listen to the crap, he will always think he has done nothing wrong. I remember my x telling that his family kept saying to him 'you've done nothing wrong' even though they knew exactly what was happening and how badly I was been treated.
You are going to have a great life without him, please believe that. He won't as he will never change.

BabsAndTheRu Mon 26-Aug-13 22:35:25

So many spelling mistakes, iPad playing up sorry.

Badvoc Mon 26-Aug-13 22:38:30

Gosh op...you are so young!
Leave, and don't look back!

FrickingFracking Mon 26-Aug-13 22:41:19

Gosh, get out immediately whilst there are no children involved.

littleblackno Mon 26-Aug-13 22:44:01

I so wish I'd made that desicion at 27 with no dc's, when really deep down I knew I should have. I don't regret having my dcs for a moment but its a shame I wasted so much time in a relationship that was never going to work.

Good luck op. You really do deserve to be happy.

IronCurtain Mon 26-Aug-13 23:01:26

Thank you all so much!

Tomorrow I will go to work, then pack up what I need for a few days and go to my friend's place. Over the weekend I will get the rest of my stuff and begin the rest of my life. I am very lucky, I have great friends (and their DPs, DHs) who will help me move, a standing offer from my brother to move in with him at any time and amazing parents. Divorce is unheard of in our family but my parents still said they will support me through whatever is right for me.

Then I will have to put up with countless texts and calls from everyone else blaming me for this. But they are not me, and I do, really, deserve to be happy.

So, once again, I do deserve to be treated well, respected and not be cheated on. His sorry act is for his benefit only and it comes...5 month, 4 weeks too late. If any of you catch me saying anything else, please give me the wake up call I need.

Thank you MN!

SabrinaMulhollandJjones Mon 26-Aug-13 23:21:30

You absolutely deserve better. I think the reason women feel they need to make relationships work, and sometimes cling onto bad relationships, is that society teaches us from a very young age that we are somehow incomplete without a man - and we are always the ones encouraged to 'work on' a relationship. Romantic notions such as 'and they lived happily ever after' run deep. That's the guilt you're feeling - but you can just shrug it off now.

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