Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Too good to leave, too bad to stay, support group. Anyone?

(181 Posts)
Salbertina Mon 26-Aug-13 19:00:59

Not necessarily looking for advice, just a little handholding from any others in a similar situation.
Not even read said book but the gist of it sums up where i am right now! Anyone??

WhiteandGreen Tue 27-Aug-13 23:54:04

I read that book about 3 years before I left my exDH.

Read 'Feel the Fear and do it Anyway' about 3 days before I left! grin

Very happy now 9 months down the line, and have been since I made the decision.

I had started to think that leaving marriage was the most massive thing I could possibly do. Fantasised about it all the time. Gave it a million times more thought than I did about actually getting married. Best thing ever.

People say 'ooh, it must have been so difficult to leave'. But actually the difficult part was making the decision, because the good times were still good. But the bad times were getting worse, and lasted weeks and weeks and weeks, and always returned.

For me it was the realisation thing things would never improve. And the thought of being old with him was horrid. Really horrid. And the idea of being free was, and still is, blissful.

FatOwl Wed 28-Aug-13 07:49:12

It is lonely definitely.

We lead pretty much separate lives, I have my friends, he has a few (He is very antisocial) None mutual.

I have been in the UK for a few weeks on my own with the DDs. DH is at home, I'm due to go back on MOnday for school to start on Thursday. Feeling glum, have had a lovely holiday, caught up with my sister and best friend and their kids, also leaving dd1 behind for uni (Feel so proud she got in, but so sad to be leaving her behind)
Having spoken to DH, he seems in quite a good mood at the moment though, so we'll see how it is when we get back

Salbertina Wed 28-Aug-13 08:41:25

Hi everyone well, good to have company but shame to hear so many of us are stuck.
Feel v trapped, overseas also dependent on dh as no right to work, he earns alot more than i can in future tho i brought all the equity in at the start (now since depleted), don't know how to unravel all this! But slowly dying inside, have been for years. Not a bad man but I don't love him or fancy him and he undermines me constantly with the kids making parenting extra hard work.

raspberriesareforever Wed 28-Aug-13 08:55:58

I was in this situation 7 years ago. We had a very comfortable lifestyle, I worked part time. We have 3 DCs. EH was verbally abusive and a bully, used to tell me I couldn't afford to leave him. All suggestions of counselling were met with a sneer. Finally I told him I wanted a divorce. It was a horrible and difficult 2 years but I came through, realised I was eligible for working and child tax credits and I have not regretted the divorce, not ever.

A couple of years ago I inadvertently became emotionally attached to a man who turned out to be married - his DW could be one of you lot. Miserable marriage, no sex or intimacy. He wanted an affair (I don't do affairs).

Moving on, have finally joined a dating agency and am at long last enjoying being me.

Just wanted to give a bit of hope really. There are options should you choose to be brave.

FatOwl Wed 28-Aug-13 09:17:39

Salbertina, being overseas for me is the unsurmountable hurdle. I have no residency rights without him, and if I wanted to take the DDs I would have to take them out of school, away from all their friends and everthing they have ever known. (they were 2 and 5 when we moved here- now 12 and 15). Most of the time it isn't so bad I feel the need to do that.
When the dds have gone though I can't imagine staying.

Salbertina Wed 28-Aug-13 09:25:50

Its a nightmare, isn't it? Feel such a fool, gambled everything to come here, overall been pretty shitty for me and dc1 but great for dhs work and dc2. I have no rights here, no indep bank acc and cant take dc without hid permission. Doublebind, wouldn't be easy anyway. Have you explored options w lawyer versed in local and uk law??

grounddown Wed 28-Aug-13 10:06:31

Sometimes I get brave and can visualise leaving, especially after all the help and support I've received on here. Then we have a good day with the kids (tiny kids) and I think I can cope with it the way it is. I am jealous of my friends in their happy relationships, getting married and buying family homes, I think what's wrong with me that I can't have that?
It's awful.

Overtiredmum Wed 28-Aug-13 10:28:11

Think the worse going for me was feeling like I couldn't tell anyone, I just carried on the pretence. In hindsight, that is the mistake I made cos five months on, H still struggles with the comprehension that I just don't want to be with him, but then he tells me "I could have left you years ago!" - he is resentful of my decision to work evenings and not need any child care, as opposed to working days and paying most of my wages out.

OvertiredandConfused Wed 28-Aug-13 11:34:52

Wondering, for the first time, if this is where I am sad

Been married for 14 years. DD12 and DS10. We've had ups and downs, but until now, the ups far, far outweigh the downs. He's been grumpy, but never EA.

Recently - last few months - he is permanently grump and withdrawn. Snappy with me and DC. Shouts a lot. Lots of silence. No interest in anything except TV. Resents helping at home. For the first time, I'm aware that I'm trying to anticipate his behaviour / reactions and modify mine accordingly. I am not prepared for this to continue.

Last couple of years have been hard - I gave up work for 2 years to try and manage the house, DCs etc (long commute meant we were both out of the house for 12 hours). This crippled us financially and we have lots of debt. I'm back at work (and back to long commute) and we're managing the debt sensibly. I'm not happy. DCs are not happy.

He's not having an affair. I do still love him and am sure he loves me. Sex hasn't been great since DC but we always had lots of physical contact, affection etc. Almost gone now. I'm lonely, unhappy and the environment isn't one I am prepared to tolerate for me, much less our DC. Desperate to find a way out of this.

tessa6 Wed 28-Aug-13 11:40:39

These are really tough situations and heartbreaking paralysis. I'd really recommend the book the thread is titled after. In the meantime, would it be helpful to mention some of the questions the book poses, with firm advice how to resolve based on the answers?

For example, if god or some other omniscient being said it was okay to leave, would you feel tremendously relieved and have a strong sense that finally you could end the relationship?

AKVS Wed 28-Aug-13 11:55:29

Hi, I'm torn and going crazy.
My partner and I have been together for about 10 years.
We have a 3 year old toddler and a house.
I dont work. I study part time and look after our child.
He works a lot but gets paid good and we live ok.
He never lets me worry about money.
He's helpful, dedicated partner and wonderful father.
but........
I'm very sensitive and emotional. He's not.
He doesnt like to talk, any problems - we cant talk about it aferwards or it will turn into the same argument.
He can be nasty, detached and aggresive - cant touch him or get into his personal space.
If slapped in the face. He would return the favour.
He's a good man. He is. Sadly in the last 6 months I have lost intrest in sex :/ I'm missing intimacy.
Its hard. Confused :/

I really feel for u guys.

AKVS Wed 28-Aug-13 12:01:51

Secret Jewel - I feel the same - I'm not happy but not unhappy enough to leave and put my toodler through hell of a brake up. My partner is a wonderful father.
Its really hard and confusing.
Our relationship seems solid.
But do I want that relationship for the rest of my life?

grounddown Wed 28-Aug-13 12:02:04

I want someone to tell me what to do, I don't want to make the decision myself, how cowardly hmm

Overtiredmum Wed 28-Aug-13 12:41:31

Grounddown, that's how I felt. I stupidly believed i would have the support of my family - instead they have treated me like I am mentally ill and disowned me. I have had to make all the decisions on my own, with the support of mn

grounddown Wed 28-Aug-13 12:52:23

I am lucky to have a supportive family however my mother is very pushy and tells me to LTB all the time. If I don't I am sure our relationship will be very affected. They have even offered to buy me a house so I can just walk away, if only it was that easy. He is very emotional and makes everything my fault, I end up doubting my decisions especially regarding how my leaving will affect the children. He doesnt see why I am so upset and resentful of him. It's exhausting!!

spudalicious Wed 28-Aug-13 12:56:02

Oh. Lots of handholding for all.

I was in a similar situation until 6 months ago. 13 years of a relationship (since I was 21) with a functioning EA alcoholic.

2 years ago I was diagnosed with cancer - once I'd been treated and recovered physically and emotionally I issued several ultimatums. All ignored. I left the day he picked my DD up from school when drunk.

I think had I not had the kick up the arse from cancer and had him do something so far over the line I may well still be there. It must be so hard to make such dramatic changes when there is no one reason you can point to to say why.

FWIW - I am so much happier now. I hardly recognise myself.

Overtiredmum Wed 28-Aug-13 12:58:41

The DC have been my main concern but they really have been very accepting and are much happier, because I am happier x

spudalicious Wed 28-Aug-13 13:07:09

Sad that you had no support OvertiredMum. My family and friends were amazing and so supportive (and some very thankful that I'd left). It made such a difference.

grounddown Wed 28-Aug-13 13:09:43

Support does make a difference, you must be very strong

Overtiredmum Wed 28-Aug-13 14:03:02

I agree, support is really important. Of the good friends I have left, they have been amazing. MN has also been here in my absolute darkest hours - I have a long-running thread somewhere!!

I have along way to go, and the future terrifies me, every single aspect of my life will change - home, work, life! But there's light at the end of the tunnel and I am ready to take on the challenge smile

Strugglingtocopejustnow Wed 28-Aug-13 15:51:23

I had the same dilemma 12 months ago. Making the decision was the hardest thing ever. But I did. I worried about the kids, older primary school age, but they were absolutely fine. And if asked now they say its better.
There wasn't any abuse, or fighting. I just stopped loving him like a husband, more like a platonic friend.
We lived together for a few months when we had made the decision, and I think this helped us both come to terms.
6 months I've lived on my own with the kids... And I'm happier, but it can be lonely.
I like having my own place to do with as I please, financially I'm doing ok.
I miss the kids when they are with their dad, but enjoy the time to recharge.
Good luck to you all x

Salbertina Wed 28-Aug-13 15:58:23

Goodness, such heartache hmm
Good to hear stories from the other side though.

Overtired, like you i foolishly thought my family wd be supportive at such a time but dm & df showed a similar, unbelievably disloyal, toxic and unfathomable reaction shock some friend have been great but all hot their own stuff. Honestly don't know if I've got the strength to do this from overseas without family support. I know many deal with much worse and need to build my resilience, i feel. Here's to all finding strength.

Salbertina Wed 28-Aug-13 15:58:24

Goodness, such heartache hmm
Good to hear stories from the other side though.

Overtired, like you i foolishly thought my family wd be supportive at such a time but dm & df showed a similar, unbelievably disloyal, toxic and unfathomable reaction shock some friend have been great but all hot their own stuff. Honestly don't know if I've got the strength to do this from overseas without family support. I know many deal with much worse and need to build my resilience, i feel. Here's to all finding strength.

yentil Wed 28-Aug-13 17:02:22

Marking my placehmm. Two children under ten. I have no want for intimacy with DH nowhmm. Lovely father and husband but we co parent and thats it. my family and his would disown me and the children just adore him at home.....i wish i didnt want to leave but I'm not happy and dont know when it all switched off...i cant keep pretending i want him.....i don't know how to leave. So much fear of poverty. We can't afford two places. I work full time. Don't think I'm eligible for benefits and I don't know what to do next. I earn too much (49k) for help from the government too poor to support home and family alone - he couldn't live outside the home AND help me and childrenhmm and I wouldn't want him living badly as he's done nothing wrong. Been together 17 years. Married 9.

metoo22 Wed 28-Aug-13 17:19:16

Hello everyone. I just read this book, as suggested I think by Tessa6 in a post last week - thanks, it is just the thing and I recommend it even though normally I run a mile from self help books. I am in the same situation as all of you. So sad to read all your stories.

I've been with dh 25 years and we have three teenage dcs. I've been unhappy for a long time, we haven't had sex for probably 6 years. That's me. dh is very passive, lacking in energy or initiative but is a good man. He is from another country and came here to be with me and we have basically got into a pattern of me being responsible for everything which hasn't got better over the years. Throw in a fear of conflict (both of us), we have just muddled along unhappily. But I am feeling close to a crunch point. Finances, sense of responsibility for him and worry about how he would cope, as well as what grounddown said - wanting someone else to decide for me?

Sorry, I'm waffling. I guess we all have lots to say. Thanks Salbertina for starting the thread. The book is quite good, has specific questions to ask yourself. The one Tessa mentioned above is a key one for me.

Take care all. x

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now