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Have confronted him. Feel sick. Help.

(414 Posts)
Fireplaces Sun 25-Aug-13 20:54:21

Tonight I confronted my husband about the fact that he is having an affair. I have known for a couple of weeks but I was so scared of confronting him and of what would happen then. I was hoping he would finish his affair because he knew I was suspicious. But he was out late twice this week with no explanation, he has been shitty to live with and today had a go at me over something tiny.

Then he lied this evening about where he was going and he went out. I questioned him about where he was going and he lied some more. I am sure he was going to meet the OW. About half an hour after he went out I decided that I was sick of the lies and deceit. I literally couldn't take it anymore. I called him and told him I knew. And I shouted. And I told him to stop lying.

He denied it all on the phone and said he was coming straight home, but I packed his bags and left them outside the front door. He has gone, with them.

I am so scared of the future. Of tomorrow. Of the next day. How the hell am I going to get through this? I am shaking. Please help me.

marthastew Mon 09-Sep-13 00:56:07

Hi FPs,

I've been through this and it does pass. Honestly. It takes a long time but eventually you will start to recover. Whatever path you choose, you will not always feel like this.

I know its awful and scary and very very hard but you'll get there.

x

mumsiebaibe Sat 07-Sep-13 21:10:31

Hi Fireplaces, sorry you are going through such a tough time. I thought this might help. You can contact this person on this website(www.renatocardoso.com) and explain the situation you are in(if you don't mind).It might help you to think more clearly and rationally about the next action to take. With issues like these, well meaning people will come up with loads of ideas but at the end of it all you choose what YOU think is best for you and your DC. Take care.

mammadiggingdeep Sat 07-Sep-13 18:55:39

sad I understand about circular thinking. It's horrendous....a treadmill you can't get off. It does lessen as the weeks go on. It will get slowly easier. Just be kind to yourself. One foot in front of the other. X

Wellwobbly Sat 07-Sep-13 18:12:38

Poor Fireplaces, it is such a shock and hurts so much when you find out that what you thought your life was, is not. It is absolutely devastating. You WILL get through this, but bloody hell it hurts.

lazarusb Sat 07-Sep-13 12:15:09

How are you today? Did you manage to sleep last night?

onefewernow Sat 07-Sep-13 11:13:32

FP it really does pass. So sorry

balia Sat 07-Sep-13 09:39:24

It will get better. It WILL get better. It will get BETTER.

Honestly.

I found this lady helpful; scroll down to the Katie Byron vid.
infidelitysurvivor.com/i-thought-you-were-supposed-to-love-me-byron-katie

Her website is here

skyeskyeskye Fri 06-Sep-13 21:45:17

I'm sorry you are feeling low but I do know exactly what it's like sad it's hard to see anything other than what you are going through and it does have to be gone through sad

Your counselling sounds good. You are in shock and it does take a while to go. I was in a state of shock for quite a while but it does wear off.

You are doing very well by keeping him away. Like the counsellors said, you can't make any decisions at the moment.

One day at a time, one step at a time. Whatever gets you through the day.

lazarusb Fri 06-Sep-13 21:23:14

What you're feeling is absolutely normal for someone in your shoes. Look on it as going through a bereavement - it isn't easy to understand or make sense of anything right now but it isn't something you can just switch off and stop thinking about either. You don't have to make any big firm decisions just yet, just look after yourself and make sure you protect yourself legally & financially. Sooner or later your feelings will drop into place and your path will seem a little clearer. It will still hurt like hell but it's still very early days. No wonder you feel you're going in circles.

CeliaFate Fri 06-Sep-13 21:09:18

I'm sorry you're having a shit time Fireplaces. You are going through enormous life changes and it's totally normal to feel like this.
I know what you mean bout non-stop thinking. I do this too, it's so hard to switch off your train of thought.
You are doing so well, it's so strong of you to go to Relate and a psychotherapist.
Take the drugs the gp prescribed, lean on your friends as much as you can. Can your family help too?
This too will pass.

Fireplaces Fri 06-Sep-13 21:04:23

Hi
Sorry have not been up to posting. Life is all a bit shit at the moment. DH is still out of the house by my choice. I am way too hurt and upset and angry to talk to him. We have sorted out access to the DC.

I have been to Relate on my own, and to see a psychotherapist. Both were really good actually. Relate have offered couples counselling but I am not ready for that yet. Both of them said I was exhibiting signs of shock and that I cannot and should not be expected to make any decisions about the future at the moment as I am barely operating.

Both said that it sounds like a mid life crisis affair by my DH; a classic fantasy escape from his obligations and responsibilities.

For his part, he is full of remorse, says he will do anything to make it better etc. But the trouble is, do I want to do that? The pychotherapist says I am doing "circular thinking" where i think about loads of issues from mornjng til night but never get any answers: eg "Wouldn't I be putting everything into trying to rebuild what was already a troubled relationship? Wouldn't I always be suspicious? I would never want him to touch me again, because he would have been touching her like that. Shouldn't I just cut my losses? But that would be bloody hard...maybe I should just settle for less"....and my thoughts go on and on, from the moment I wake up to the moment I fall asleep. It is exhausting and it is shit.

The GP has given me some drugs to help me sleep, my friends are trying to help, but at the end of the day I am sitting here alone on a Friday night, utterly miserable, barely functioning and in so much emotional pain. My heart is utterly broken and I just can't cope with this horrid horrid feeling any more. I feel like I am sinking. And he has done all this to me. After all the shared experiences and after so long together, it has come down to this.

comingintomyown Thu 05-Sep-13 22:27:07

Has this thread moved ?

Where did you go fireplaces ? Hope you are ok

comingintomyown Thu 05-Sep-13 07:45:29

Are you ok fireplaces ?

Wellwobbly Wed 04-Sep-13 11:38:46

Hi, what did the Relate counsellor say?

What did the other counsellor say?

Tears - you wonder if they will ever stop. WHY does society trivialise affairs? Heartbreak is physical.

lazarusb Wed 04-Sep-13 10:29:04

Can I just delurk to post that, while celibacy is absolutely a good choice for a lot of people, you don't need to be married to have sex either smile Even if you happen to be female...

'Honoured' to be married!? I don't think so. I say that as a happily married woman in an equal relationship. I certainly wouldn't be blaming myself if dh decided to cheat though.

TigsytheTiger Wed 04-Sep-13 08:12:21

There is life after ..... Bloody phone!

TigsytheTiger Wed 04-Sep-13 08:11:20

Felt compelled to post as I was in your situation exactly a year ago, except my DH denied everything despite my evidence, minimised it, got angry and nasty. I was a wreck I lost a stone and shook constantly. I couldn't imagine a life without him and the future we had planned. It was a physical aching pain and it upsets me a bit now to write it down.

BUT, here I am one whole year later, settled in a new home, rented not bought, but I've realised that is not the be all and end all. Amazing friends who dragged me through the first couple of months and who got angry for me when I just wanted to give up and a supportive family. I had counselling through a domestic abuse group (what a catch he was eh?) . I have met a lovely man, who my kids get on really well with and we have just moved in together.

Out of the shit, I now have a great life, I had to go back to work full-time, it's tiring but I am enjoying it. My life never will be the same again but it is far better, more open and honest and actually he did me a favour !

This isn't meant to be a smug post I just wanted to show their life afterwards and you will be happy again, it's a promise!

ShipwreckedAndComatose Tue 03-Sep-13 21:15:21

Glad that there are some positives in your last post, Fire, even if it is still very difficult.

Keeping you in my thoughts

onefewernow Tue 03-Sep-13 20:36:47

Well done FP.

I have a great Relate counsellor too- they vary, and are not all crap.

There is a great book on infidelity by Frank Pittman, called Beyond Betrayal, if you are interested.

Also one on break ups which has a great reputation called Getting Past your Break up, by Susan Elliott- worth a read, whatever you eventually decide.

Fireplaces Tue 03-Sep-13 20:12:09

Hi, am still reading the thread updates.
Have spent a lot of time crying. Have been to Relate for initial assessment appointment. She was actually very good. I have also seen a psychotherapist for counselling. She was brilliant, really helpful.
I am trying to have a theme of "be nice to myself". It's all so difficult.
Xxx

balia Tue 03-Sep-13 19:21:20

I'm not sure that is how the saying goes, exactly.

Still, managing to be rampantly sexist and offensive to women, all in one post. Not a lot of energy left for coherence, I expect.

Hey Fireplaces hope you and the DCs are OK.

ChasedByBees Tue 03-Sep-13 18:02:28

What the hell?!

clam Tue 03-Sep-13 17:58:31

"You let them feel they are THE HEAD"

Do you? hmm I don't. Because my dh and I are absolute equals OK, I'm the head.

ImpulsePineapple Tue 03-Sep-13 16:37:50

Celibate is lovely smile don't knock it.

Thinking of you fireplaces, hope you are ok.

Zoe909 Tue 03-Sep-13 16:20:35

mumsie, being celibate doesn't mean you can't be happy, confident and secure. I'm celibate at the moment, no idea what's around the corner, and I don't mind that. Anything could happen, but I'm in control of it. As in, I don't have to put up with being lied to or cheated on or disrespected again, and that's nice. I'm just getting to the point now where I've recovered from the financial blast and the children are happy and we are so over it..... I feel genuine pity for somebody who rocks up on a thread like this and advises somebody to just suck it up because they have to hmm you must have a very low self-esteem. We get what we tolerate they say.

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