Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Have confronted him. Feel sick. Help.

(414 Posts)
Fireplaces Sun 25-Aug-13 20:54:21

Tonight I confronted my husband about the fact that he is having an affair. I have known for a couple of weeks but I was so scared of confronting him and of what would happen then. I was hoping he would finish his affair because he knew I was suspicious. But he was out late twice this week with no explanation, he has been shitty to live with and today had a go at me over something tiny.

Then he lied this evening about where he was going and he went out. I questioned him about where he was going and he lied some more. I am sure he was going to meet the OW. About half an hour after he went out I decided that I was sick of the lies and deceit. I literally couldn't take it anymore. I called him and told him I knew. And I shouted. And I told him to stop lying.

He denied it all on the phone and said he was coming straight home, but I packed his bags and left them outside the front door. He has gone, with them.

I am so scared of the future. Of tomorrow. Of the next day. How the hell am I going to get through this? I am shaking. Please help me.

onefewernow Mon 26-Aug-13 14:13:15

Yes I agree. Their early post throwing out communication is usually intended to see how the land lies.

Lweji Portugal Mon 26-Aug-13 14:26:13

Yes, ignore his messages and tell him that the children need the car seats.

Or just buy new ones. I suspect you'll need two sets.

clam Mon 26-Aug-13 14:41:40

You see, setting a timeframe for a separation does give rise to the expectation that it's only a matter of time before you forgive him and let him back. I would be acting like "it's over. Go. Now." I wouldn't be saying "I need time to think."
That doesn't necessarily mean it IS over. You can talk at a later date, when you feel like it.

LumpyJumper84 Mon 26-Aug-13 14:59:03

So did you actually have any proof ? If so what ?

Wellwobbly Mon 26-Aug-13 15:15:27

Well done Fireplaces! Well done.

Now? Shit him right up. Now is the time to go to the solicitors and have them send him the preliminary letter AT WORK.

Do NOT talk to him.

There is only one thing that motivates these men, and that is LOSS (Chandon). He has been taking you, his home, his ironed shirts, his children's clean little bodies straight after the bath ALL FOR GRANTED.

Throw him into OW's open, loving arms and open, loving legs, and see how long the smell of twat covers up for lovely baby in their pyjamas smell.

Please stand firm and DO NOT FORGIVE HIM.

I forgave my H far too soon, and it cost me. Are you able to tell us your story?

Oh, and the other thing? TELL EVERYONE. Tell his parents, your parents his friends everyone. He won't be such a big swinging dick in the face of all their disapproval.
Dont' feel ashamed and cover up for him (another mistake I made).

Vivacia Mon 26-Aug-13 15:22:45

Wow.

PAsSweetOrangeLurve Mon 26-Aug-13 15:22:53

Just say that you need the car seats. Don't say anything more. Silence is your best weapon here - let him sweat. Ignore his messages (unless he asks after the DC, in which case reply but only about the DC).

If he turns back up at the house then - if his name is on the lease/mortgage - you'll have to let him back in as he is entitled to be there. You can however confine him to the spare room, ignore him, don't cook or clean or wash anything for him - treat him exactly like a lodger but don't be friendly.

If he isn't on his hands and knees apologising to you and asking what he needs to do to make it better, then you need to ask yourself why you would self yourself short in a relationship? As that's what you deserve.

PAsSweetOrangeLurve Mon 26-Aug-13 15:25:38

Oh and everything that wellwobbly said. Right now you are embarrassed and ashamed and you want to keep it quiet. You have nothing to hide - bring it out in the open. You'll get support and I bet you'll be surprised by how disapproving most people are of people that shag about.

Definitely see a solicitor as a priority - even if you don't know if this means the end or not. You have to protect yourself and your DC so it's vital you get some legal advice, so you know where you stand - then you can mull it over and make a decision when you feel ready.

Fireplaces Mon 26-Aug-13 15:40:19

Overwhelming majority decision then; no contact about the stuff I was going to mention.

lumpyjumpy yes I do have overwhelming proof, yes. Pages of it. It is a full EA and sexual affair and has been going on for at least six weeks; maybe more but that's when I have proof from.

They have told each other how much they love each other. Apparently she is the first thing he thinks about when he wakes up each day. Not his wife and children then.

How did everyone's experiences go of telling people? I am like sweetOrange says at the moment; embarrassed, don't want anyone to know. I feel that if I tell our friends, it will enrage him?

TotallyBursar Mon 26-Aug-13 15:53:50

He is trying to get back on the front foot and get some control of the situation by reframing your request and adding his own terms. He'll let you have a week.

Well no, you are in control of this and things move at your pace.
You will want him back - but actually what we want is the man you married back and to re-set to when this hasn't happened because it's so terribly painful.
Accept you are not wrong to feel those things but keep your head, be detached in communication with him - he's offered you nothing but a glimpse of how little value he is placing on your feelings.

Read the script, read the other threads and really try and hold on to the fact that there is so much he needs to do (admission, honesty and genuine contrition - not to mention actually stopping shagging the OW while he does it) and he isn't. If you act on trying to get back together before he does any of that you will set yourself up for misery and hurt.

I echo telling people - this is not your shame, you don't need to lie and cover up. You don't need to go into the gory details but simply he was unfaithful.
Be prepared for his allies to pressure you to forgive and forget, you may find your people shock you by saying the same but you will also find understanding support too. It will sort out the people who love and respect you and those who don't view a woman as complete without an owner no matter how he behaves (or "boys will be boys" shit).

Take time, get your security sorted and take time and space to get over the visceral feelings and being overwhelmed. Then engage with him on a more level playing field.
Well done for your strength and courage - that will protect you and your dc no matter what. thanks

littlebunnyfriend Mon 26-Aug-13 15:55:18

You are being SO strong. You're amazing.

TotallyBursar Mon 26-Aug-13 16:00:22

Sorry cross posted with you Fireplaces.

So what if it enrages him? Could he hurt you more than he has? A solicitor will take care of the rest, they all turn nasty in the end anyway.
What will he be enraged about - his own behaviour.

Get in before he stars spouting the guff he wants people to hear and buy - you will be cold, a nag, you will have treated him badly and will of course have huge issues with sex, will never have it and he will have had enough poor boy.

He won't flinch from spreading lies (justification in his own head) about you that are incredibly personal.
He might be enraged? At the fact you aren't lying to protect his reputation - really?

I'm so sorry. This phase is tough, but it does get better. The others are right. Don't engage with him, let reality hit him in the face. It's one thing having the excitement of an affair along side the comfort of home, but quite another when it causes you to lose everything.

As for telling people, don't worry about his opinion on this. Of course he won't want people to know, as once they do he'll have lost their respect forever. Think of you. Right now you need real life support from your friends and family, so tell them. I was amazed at the response I had, everyone was there for me. No one judged me, or made me feel embarrassed, they were just incredibly kind. His family need to know too, but it is quite likely they will close ranks on you so be prepared for that. My MIL is lovely, really lovely, but I was left in no doubt that when the chips were down her son came first.

As for how I told people, I rang my parents (in tears), I told my best friend when I saw her, I told my SIL by email, I basically let people know in a way I was comfortable with. I relied on them to let other friends and family know.

This is only the start of a long road. You may split, you may stay together, decisions like that are for you and you only. No one can tell you what is right, as all relationships are different. Beware hysterical bonding. It's very common, you talk, cry, bond and have amazing sex with your DH. It doesn't mean everything is solved, or your marriage will definitely survive. It might, but this kind of full on emotion isn't real or lasting.

I promise you you'll get through this and come out stronger and happier. You won't believe me now, but in a year from now you will.

Right now look after yourself and your dcs, and get legal advice.

onefewernow Mon 26-Aug-13 16:09:31

I told a few and they were very sympathetic. I made the mistake of NOT kicking him out and trying to talk him round to honesty.

It can't be done. Any concession or change I got was hard hard won through his understanding that I was deadly serious about a divorce, backed up by no conversations between us at all, until he admitted all, and even then it took 6 weeks.

Loss really is the only motivator for cheaters. And he is trying to regain control through contact. At this stage he still imagines he can have his cake and eat it. You need to ensure he doesn't.

Wellwobbly Mon 26-Aug-13 16:31:53

Apparently she is the first thing he thinks about when he wakes up each day.

I am afraid that is probably the truth.

The worst time of my life was going on a skiing holiday and watching him (without understanding what I was looking at) pining away for her and missing her.

Vivacia can wow all she likes, but the scars of humiliation of being a doormat and allowing go deep. Much better to sling him out and see what he thinks about when he wakes up then.

You are doing all the right things, Fire. You really are. The character of people who feel ENTITLED to cheat has implications: for games playing, control, manipulation, positions of advantage, and any means it takes to get them.

Does he work in the City? Remember these things are rewarded there.

eineschlampa Mon 26-Aug-13 16:46:33

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Seenenoughtoknow Mon 26-Aug-13 16:59:06

Wobbly you don't sound bitter, you sound like someone who has been treated appallingly and has learnt from the experience. As most people get shafted by someone at some point in their life I'll be interested if eineschlampa remains as judgemental about the injured party if ever something like this ever happens to her.
It happened to me wobbly and I understand where you are coming from.

willdivorcesoon Mon 26-Aug-13 17:05:22

Wow eineschlampa . I'd just say walk a mile in someone shoes who has been through an affair before making such an awful comment. How utterly horrible.

mammadiggingdeep Mon 26-Aug-13 17:16:35

Wobbly, you don't sound bitter. You sound clued up on how it is to be cheated on. Others can 'wow' all they like....it's a journey they wouldn't like to walk.....

Feelingworried67 Mon 26-Aug-13 17:18:35

hmm

skyeskyeskye Mon 26-Aug-13 17:19:55

My XH texted/emailed OW right through our family holiday. Also texting her was the first thing he did when he left the house each day and also the last thing he did at night. I remember a family Christening where he was distracted all day and glued to his phone. OW was away for the weekend and he was desperately trying to contact her.

All their emotion and time is invested in OW and it hurts when you look back at things and suddenly everything makes sense about their behaviour.

I told his family and all my friends. I had nothing to be ashamed off. He had walked with no prior warning which shocked everybody. Once the contact with OW was discovered, it all made a lot more sense.

LittlePeaPod England Mon 26-Aug-13 17:25:46

Hi Op,

Just a quick note to say you are doing amazingly well under the circumstances. You clearly have a lot of inner strength. I really wish you well. You will of course go through vicarious emotions and this is natural considering what you're having to deal with..

eineschlampia Why? confused & hmm

onefewernow Mon 26-Aug-13 17:26:32

Game playing, control, manipulation, positions of advantage.

Exactly. My H actually finally admitted to these facets of his personality in counselling with me, and said that he had understood that the skills one needed at work were the same as at home. We discussed that in counselling for some weeks.

So you have it spot on, Wobbly.

Those 'qualities' are exactly what it takes to have an affair, or similar, but to stay in the relationship because it is advantageous to do so.

Vivacia Mon 26-Aug-13 17:49:52

I can see you've been hurt and angry wobbly. But. There's something a bit disturbing about talking about the other woman's open legs and the smell of her "twat" in the same sentence as the smell and feel of your clean babies' bodies.

There are many different ways of dealing with a break-up and just because some people don't advocate the same way as yours, doesn't mean we're wrong. Of course, it's probably helpful for the OP to hear about different strategies, but so far she's acted with immense dignity and strength.

sayithowitis Mon 26-Aug-13 17:53:24

eineschlampia,
are you the OW ?
Your response is completely inappropriate and,frankly, nasty. As someone else said, try walking a mile in Wobbly's shoes before being so judgemental.
flowers for Wobbly.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now