I've read around a few posts here and found many mums who have difficult relationships, unfaithful husbands, and much advice to leave those relationships. My wife has been the one having the affairs, to the point where I had to DNA test our youngest to establish he was mine - possibly the lowest point of my life.
The thing is, I am the majority carer, as I am at home most. Whilst this has facilitated my wife's career, I believe at the same time it has made me less attractive - she is drawn to older alpha males, and a caring nurturing husband comes second to that. My problem is that I come from a broken home and my biggest single goal in life was not to put my children through that - so I work at ways to make this marriage work. And in many ways it does, we can get along very well, be tender and caring at times, but at the back of my mind, I know she still talks to her other 'men'. I know she probably has limited opportunity to actually see them, but for me it is about emotional fidelity. In a way I can (and have) forgiven sexual indiscretions, but when you feel that you are taken for granted, that when away on work you slip from your partner's mind and perhaps the other men take that place, it makes the whole relationship hard.
I do realise I can't do anything to change her, no one can change anyone else, all I can do is change myself. I know that the best thing would be for me to find my independence, which means finding the childcare, finding the job that can fit around childcare (at the moment I work from home with sporadic income, not real independence). I know I crave some contact with other adults and yes some closeness with women, because I have been starved of it for so long. We do occasionally have sex, and its fine, but I know that her desire for these other men is always there. I also know that it stems from her father issues (he is mentally ill) and so I feel very compassionate about it, but perhaps to the extent where it is damaging me. Now it may be a feature of the mental illness, but her father is a very selfish man, and my wife does seem to have some of those traits. Her primary affair was also with a man old enough to be her father.
I have ideas about what I should do, but I think I need some female perspective. I don't want to break up our marriage, my kids even ask me to make sure that doesn't happen! And as I said it would break my primary motivation in life. But I am very lonely and unhappy with my life, even though I also feel blessed with my children.
Before I became a father I was an adventurer, travelling the world with my work, not highly paid, but always exciting. Now I've spent a decade in one place - that's hard as well.
Any words of wisdom?
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Relationships
Dad needs some Mums perspectives on relationship
Silverfox1Dad · 24/08/2013 20:59
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