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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

What do you make of his comments about "this friendship"?

39 replies

ConfusedFriend2 · 23/08/2013 21:45

He has a long-term live in girlfriend, she is married with a toddler and is pregnant. They have been good friends for many, many years but have also shared a few kisses when they were flatmates at uni when they were both single.

They meet up occasionally for coffee and a chat. The both genuinely enjoy these meetings as they can talk about anything. The thing is that sometimes, when he has been drinking, he sends her messages that are inappropriate. I get the feeling that he is confused about what he feels for her.

Things he has said include:

-she is a very close friend to him, he likes her as a person and wouldn't want to lose the friendship but he also has a strong sexual desire for her that drives him crazy

-nobody has ever gotten under his skin so much and induced feelings of such intensity, whether it is sexual desire, jealousy or affection

-he realises that wanting her in this way is wrong as they are both in relationships but when it comes to her, potential consequences don't register

If you had a friend who told you he feels like this about someone who is not his partner, what would you think? That he is actually in love with this friend but doesn't want to admit it to himself and/or her? Or is it possible to really just want to be friends with somebody while feeling this way about them?

OP posts:

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cerealqueen · 23/08/2013 21:53

I'd feel very very sorry for his girlfriend, as he is besotted with this other woman. Are you she?

cerealqueen · 23/08/2013 21:53

...as in the other woman, the friend?

ConfusedFriend2 · 23/08/2013 22:00

No, I am not her. I am a third friend who knows both of them. He has confided in me how he feels about her and I'm quite uneasy about it.

He says that he has every intention of marrying his girlfriend in the future (she is the loveliness personified) but that his feelings for the "OW" are messing with his head. I also feel sorry for his partner but am also worried for him, in the sense that I don't want him to get married out of a sense of obligation. I'm just trying to figure out if I'm the only one who thinks that he might be in denial about his friendship and relationship.

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JamieandtheMagicTorch · 23/08/2013 22:13

I'd think he was having at the least, and emotional affair, and at the most a physical one. Can you imagine how his girlfriend might feel if she knew the intensity of his feelings towards the "friend" - he loves her (the friend)

ElBombero · 23/08/2013 22:19

How does the OW/Friend feel about him?

NatashaBee · 23/08/2013 22:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ConfusedFriend2 · 23/08/2013 22:27

I'd be heart broken if I was his girlfriend. I know that he is definitely not having a physical affair. I'm sure he would like to but he has said that he is being held back by concerns about what it would do to the friend's marriage/family. Plus, there's no indication that the friend would be open to an affair.

It's interesting that you say he "loves" the friend because that's how I think about it. The strength of affection and sexual desire, the not being able to stop thinking about her, to me equals "being in love" with someone.

I'm not sure though that he sees it that way or maybe he doesn't want to use the words. I was just wondering whether I'm maybe old-fashioned and it is possible to have all these feelings for somebody and not be in love with them?

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bluecheque4595 · 23/08/2013 22:31

I would advise him to take a step back from his friendship because it has got confusing and if he acts on his feelings (which may well fade away naturally given time) then he could destroy the happiness he has at the moment. And ruin his gf's life. Wouldn't he rather preserve the friendship and keep the status quo with his gf than risk losing gf and friend when it all goes tits up?

ConfusedFriend2 · 23/08/2013 22:32

I don't know how the friend feels. I know her but am not close enough to ask her. To the outside, she seems dedicated to her family but I know that when they were at uni (I was sharing a flat with them), she was head over heels in love with him.

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ConfusedFriend2 · 23/08/2013 22:35

Yes, I think that advising him to step back from the friendship is right but that would only work if he realises that there is more to the situation than he likes to admit. So far he just thinks that she is a great friend who he can't stop thinking about.

Can I just say "Look friend, I think you are in love with X!"?

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JamieandtheMagicTorch · 23/08/2013 22:37

This is possibly very exciting for her. Possibly/probably she has no intention of acting on and it feels quite safe for her, it but it's a consoling fantasy when you're pg and with a toddler.

I think I'd be advising him to back off completely as well. She's off limits, and emotionally he is cheating on his girl friend.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 23/08/2013 22:38

X post - yes, I think I would. It's pretty obvious TBH. He might be relieved - I mean he is dropping some heavy hints!

Fairenuff · 23/08/2013 22:45

This post is a bit confusing. Which one are you OP?

ConfusedFriend2 · 23/08/2013 22:46

So this is not just in my mind and what he is actually trying to say is "Fuck, I think I'm in love with X!" But because that is quite a massive thing to say, he just keeps describing how he feels instead, not labelling it.

The friend is lovely as well btw (not your typical OW) and would have, in my opinion, been a lot more suited to him than his girlfriend. I remember how they got together and he seems to have just drifted into that relationship without the "big" feelings. But the friend is taken now and what's done is done.

The next time he brings her up (now doubt soon), I will tell him what I think.

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Fairenuff · 23/08/2013 22:47

I know that he is definitely not having a physical affair

This is what gave it away, by the way. Only one or other of them would know this, definitely.

ConfusedFriend2 · 23/08/2013 22:49

Sorry, if my post is confusing. I am not him or "the friend". I'm a third person who used to share a flat with both of them and is still close to him. He talks to me about her, presumably because I'm one of the few friends who isn't also friends with his girlfriend.

I was trying to post in a style that keeps my projections out of the story and only repeats facts (what he has said).

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ConfusedFriend2 · 23/08/2013 22:51

There's nothing to give away. I'm just convinced that he'd have told me if there was a physical element to it. Why would he not? He's told me everything else as far as I know.

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Fairenuff · 23/08/2013 22:51

Well, if that is true then you don't know that they are not having sex do you. You only know what he tells you, which may not be entirely truthful.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 23/08/2013 22:52

Are you all in your early/mid 20s?

What he might also be thinking is that he doesn't feel like that about his girlfriend - maybe he's reached a more settled phase with her, which, even in good relationships, can seem a bit unexciting - and he's yearning for those College Years. Difficult time the 20's.

Fairenuff · 23/08/2013 22:54

Also, by opening up and discussing all this with you, he is becoming emotionally involved with yet another woman.

I don't think he's really that into his relationship, he sounds too self-absorbed.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 23/08/2013 22:54

X post

Admitting to having sex with someone who is married is a bit more of an admission though.

I'm thinking they probably aren't though (no evidence)

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 23/08/2013 22:54

yy Fairenuff

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ConfusedFriend2 · 23/08/2013 22:55

Ok, then I don't know they don't have sex for sure. They might and he might be lying about that aspect. I don't think he is though. It wouldn't fit in with his description of how he desired her. In fact, I think that not having had a physical relationship with her is part of his obsession but that would be speculation on my part.

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ConfusedFriend2 · 23/08/2013 22:58

They are all 30, so not too young.

OP posts:

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 23/08/2013 22:58

Young to some ...

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