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"But We Took You To Stately Homes!" - Survivors of Dysfunctional Families

(1000 Posts)

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It's August 2013, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011
November 2011
January 2012
November 2012
January 2013
March 2013

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Welcome to the Stately Homes Thread.

This is a long running thread which was originally started up by 'pages' see original thread here (December 2007)

So this thread originates from that thread and has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.

One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;

'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'

Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.

Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.

NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.

You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.

'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.

I started with this book and found it really useful.

Here are some excerpts:

"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.

Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.

Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:

"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.

YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".

"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.

YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".

"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."

"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"

"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."

"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."

Helpful Websites

Alice Miller

Personality Disorders definition

More helpful links:

Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker

Some books:

Homecoming
Will I ever be good enough?
If you had controlling parents
When you and your mother can't be friends
Children of the self-absorbed
Recovery of your inner child

This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:

"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be delivered with warmth and support."

Happy Posting

I know i have tried to be supportive today but i now know my thoughts are founded as she has just tried to ring. Dh didn't answer it, i don't stop him speaking to them but i do tell him he musn't be controlled. I'm guessing it would have been a woh is me about the expected great stormgrin

Oh christmas Hissy it's always a hard one isn't it, i find it stressful enough dealing with the crumbling man that is dh every xmas eve. Every year is the same, pressure, pressure, pressure from il to him and then in to me. It's like a boiling pan of water waiting to bubble over the top until somebody either gives in or says no, inwhich i or dh are the bad guy.

They were not content 2 yr ago when they could see the grandkids, it had to be more, a spread was to be made for them at ours every christmas day and i would be told how to prepare it and with what apparatus and untensils to use whilst they sat on their porky behinds insulting anybody they could whilst watching horse racing or no tv (their request)

Then there was last year, me & dc were nc and had been since the july. They knew the rules no more dc but insisted on causing trouble by getting the toxic Aunt on the warpath by begging and begging dh to relent and the continious text moans of "i can't bear to see your mother cry". Which in turn put dh through the fog which really ruined getting children to bed for santa etc and they all woke up whilst dh was shouting at me about his "poor mother"

This year i hope for different and tbh i have to live in hope because being nearly ready to pop with dc5 i will not be able to take the stress aswell as the festivities.

And i agree with Good Hissy
You will have an excellent Christmas without her shite, and all you need is your child, children are what make Christmassmile

HissyFucker Sat 26-Oct-13 23:34:54

What I find so upsetting is that, if i'm the one that's in the right, then how on earth am I so alone?

I've lost everyone, only me and him.

A lifetime of crappy people telling me that i'm not good enough, so I feel that I can't possibly be good enough for it to just be him and me.

I've told him we can choose to do what we want that day, take the bikes out for a ride, go visit somewhere. (weather permitting!) he liked the idea of that.

Last year was stressful cos I chose not to spend it with her. But I had my Boyf then. It was a super christmas! I sadly ended that 6m ago.

Seems he didn't think we'd got a future, and was just in it for selfish reasons, cos it was easy. So I had to finish it.

Ok hindsight says bullet dodged, many reasons, but who fucking cares. It's all the same.

Just wish my ex'd hurry up and sell the property he has, so I could book a holiday and escape for a bit!

HissyFucker Sat 26-Oct-13 23:34:55

What I find so upsetting is that, if i'm the one that's in the right, then how on earth am I so alone?

I've lost everyone, only me and him.

A lifetime of crappy people telling me that i'm not good enough, so I feel that I can't possibly be good enough for it to just be him and me.

I've told him we can choose to do what we want that day, take the bikes out for a ride, go visit somewhere. (weather permitting!) he liked the idea of that.

Last year was stressful cos I chose not to spend it with her. But I had my Boyf then. It was a super christmas! I sadly ended that 6m ago.

Seems he didn't think we'd got a future, and was just in it for selfish reasons, cos it was easy. So I had to finish it.

Ok hindsight says bullet dodged, many reasons, but who fucking cares. It's all the same.

Just wish my ex'd hurry up and sell the property he has, so I could book a holiday and escape for a bit!

AndTheBandPlayedForAnyFucker Sun 27-Oct-13 01:10:47

Hi Hissy
Christmas can be great as you like it your way, your how, your what, your when. Bliss: your choice with no backlash! Something you can look forward to, yes?

I love Christmas. We have spent several Christmases at home, just us, since going NC with my sister. It does not have to be that expensive to be fun or loving or special.
And if it bombs (like everyone has the flu), it is not the end of the world. Just try again next year.

What are your plans? I enjoy gingerbread houses, Christmas music (and movies), and a few (ok, a lot) more Christmas lights than necessary. Dh likes Christmas cookies and presents wrapped in kiddie Santa wrapping paper, and outdoor decorations. Our older kids like the tree done to the hilt. And we have a five yo...grin...who loves to undecorate the tree so she can decorate it again, and Christmas cartoon/kiddie shows.

GoodtoBetter Sun 27-Oct-13 06:55:52

I like xmas music on during the day. Had a cd years ago called A Classic Christmas....christmassy classical musical..will hunt for it or download it. Advent calendars and xmas markets in the run up. Presents under the tree and xmas stockings. Loads of xmas lights. A pared down xmas day lunch as we can't get everything here and it's less work and means not being in the kitchen all day. A walk on xmas day with kids and dog.

Oh hissy it is what you have been conditioned to believe, that Christmas can't be good without her, when infact you will have a better Christmas than ever with your child, although quiet , quiet is good trust me. Think of the piece and the not having to live up to what's expected.

Last night dh couldn't sleep and i asked him what was wrong, and finally he has admitted that he is worried about it all starting again visa ve his family. I knew i was right!
I said i will support him but he musn't take it out on me & the children as it isn't fair. I said that he needs to stop feeding their negative calls and texts and he should visit/phone on HIS terms and if they start their usual shite to walk out/put phone down.
Thing is this is only the start, the days leading up to Christmas will be when it ramps up, as will baby's birth i imagine (as it was the same with all the others)

It's almost as if Toxic's feed of being centre of the universe and on xmas, birthdays, births they get over shadowed and absolutely hate it so out of spite and wanting the focus back on their coven they manipulate and codule family members (normally dh in my case) to get the fame they truly desire. And nearly almost always they get what they want, that birth/birthday/christmas celebtation ruined with or without their presence because of all the medalling causes upset and amnoyisity between me & dh.

*peace not peice grin

HissyFucker Sun 27-Oct-13 10:18:52

I'm not sure that's it pumpkin.

I've always loved christmas, enjoy the giving of gifts, more than the receiving. Is that due to my fruitless need to please them? Insecurity about how I am?

I always felt uncomfortable on my birthday, I thought that was because I felt selfish to be the one that got the gifts, maybe the discomfort was that I didn't feel entitled to kindness? I had ishoos accepting compliments when I was first out of the relationship with my ex. I squirmed. found it all excruciating.

I think the feeling I have is fear. fear of standing up to her, fear of not buying things/playing my role/being ungrateful.

Not having christmas en famille feels like I've lost. that I'm wrong. the fact that they all have themselves, and me and my lovely boy have only each other, again, somehow irks.

But then on another thread I saw that the more dysfunctional a family are, the more they band together, rather than look at a situation with empathy and see if the aggrieved does have a point. That made sense to me. A lot.

I need to remember that I CHOOSE not to have them in my life, for GOOD reason, and even though I have given her the opportunity to understand what it is that she has done to hurt me, she has chosen to ignore it again, is not taking me seriously at all and that my feelings count for nothing. I'm not going to let her make what she did OK. Because it isn't OK. I have a right to be hurt and I have a right to choose NOT to let the situation continue.

In other news, pyscho ex-date raised his fucked up head again today. Halloween's come early hmm

This is the nutter that I saw for MAX 2m, who after going full on charm, stonewalled me, gaslighted me, he even added loads of chilli to the already hot chilli con carne I made and took round one evening! I have to say, my eyebrow arched at that, you don't DO that without asking, and it's a MASSIVE disrespect to the cook.

I ended it, he got nasty, I told him to leave me alone. All quite for a while and then he started with the 'Thinking of you' texts. All ignored. for weeks.

He then sent a text for "HELP" in the middle of the night, I knew he had health ishoos, but the capitals on a text is WAY harder than actually CALLING.. So red flag seen I called the police, so they could 'help' him. In the end despite never having been invited to my home, left a gift I'd given him on my windscreen outside my home (called the police again, they warned him off)

A YEAR later, I joined a dating site, not knowing that it was an affiliate to Match, and he 'viewed' my page. I deleted my profile there and then.

I got a FB message from him this morning, he's not even a friend, and god knows how that happened (blocked now!) he said he always wondered if he'd run into me in the village (he works the other side of it), but now he's given 2 weeks notice to his employers and is buggering off to Oz. Erm, WHA....?

What, I say WHAT the AF. I shall ignore. again.

AndTheBandPlayedForAnyFucker Sun 27-Oct-13 12:19:32

Wow, Hissy
Well done on the super boundaries to protect yourself from that, how awful.

..."feeling that you have lost...they have won..."
I finally came around to admitting to myself that lovely Middle Sister had won in her campaign of Death By Ten Thousand Cuts. It was rather liberating. Because: that was a signal that the game was over. 'Draw a line under it' became an option. Game over: walk away. There is nothing left. (And I know it is not a game, I hope that word does not trigger any one, sorry if it does. It is just a good analogy for an end point, iyswim.)

One of my take away lines from counselling for Middle Sister is "I don't have anything for you". Even before I saw a counsellor, in my "I gotta take a break from our relationship call", I said that I had been used up, and the Family Duty card had been punched out and I was done with that.

Coach yourself to be busy thinking of the fun stuff available to you for those few, two/three, days. Art (therapy), especially with children, can use up time and can be done in many different ways...cooking silly cookies or bread in funny shapes, paint a bird house, a mural, make ornaments, and puzzles are great too. The key is to not let your brain "go there", back to ruminating about them...nothing good will come of it.

Make an appointment with yourself that you will let yourself think about the family of origin crap on January 8 [or when ever], and not until then. Just do not think about it. It does take alot of time to get to this level of detachment, so it may not just happen for you right away...baby steps.

Middle Sister still jumps in my brain on a daily , or several times a week, basis and I say "no, not now, no" and that is the beginning, middle, and end of that episode. Then I see the brain teaser puzzles in the catalogs that she would buy every single Christmas, practice them, then put them under the tree. The rest of us eventually learned to never touch them because she'd swoop in, grab it out of someone's hands, and demonstrate the puzzle manifesting how much her brain could handle the brain teaser and her victim was left being just used. I don't have to put up with that anymore. And it is a very Merry Christmas.

Sorry to go on, hth.

AndTheBandPlayedForAnyFucker Sun 27-Oct-13 12:21:25

Until Jan 8 or whenever

AndTheBandPlayedForAnyFucker Sun 27-Oct-13 13:08:10

Also, I just want to add that this avoiding thinking about it all is to go toward the goal of enjoying the day/event. There is a time to work on it (to remember things and process them so healing can happen) and there is a time to put it in a box (and put the box out in the wood shed) for a break.

And, Hissy, they may have 'won', from their perspective. What you have won is the inalienable right to your own perspective. Freedom to use your very own brain, freedom to be happy without an EA price to be paid for it.

Perhaps you are feeling like a deer caught frozen in the headlights? Or a newly freed slave wondering where to go or what to do? Well, do not go back to the former master! Imho, this is why making a plan for that time block is important, so you can turn yourself over to a preset agenda. You can make your schedule be full (like Poirot's Christmas where he looked forward to solitude with a good book and a box of French Belgian chocolates wink ).

wellfuckit Sun 27-Oct-13 13:17:08

Hello all

Posters to my thread over on AIBU pointed me in this direction. Sorry you have all been hurt by the people who are supposed to love you, but also glad I'm not alone because honestly, for the past 30+ years I've thought I'm mad, selfish, thoughtless, horrible, awful and that it was me with the problem. I just read the first page of this thread with Susan Forward's extracts and it was an eye opener.

Glad to be in good company

My background: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1893592-to-not-understand-my-mother

TheDrugsDontWork Sun 27-Oct-13 13:29:27

Hissy, pumpkin is right, you have been conditioned, told your whole life that you must stick with their traditions, do what they want at Christmas and that is why the thought of doing something else feels wrong and fills you with fear. Your son liked your suggestions for Christmas, others have given more and he will just be happy to have fun with you. You are what will make it special, not your mother or your toxic family.

You haven't lost by not having Christmas with them, you have won. You don't have to put up with your mother, worry about trying to make her happy or let her ruin things for you and your son. I think you like giving presents because you are a good person and like to make others happy. I don't know if insecurity comes into it but I think when you (general you) like/love someone it makes you happy to see them happy. On the same line maybe you felt uncomfortable at birthdays because it should have been about your family, your mother, wanting to see you happy but you knew deep down that it was an act, they didn't mean it. I often used to (secretly) cry on my birthday growing up because I got all these presents from my parents but I felt so uncared for. We had a cake too but never parties or a day out or anything, the presents were meant to be enough but somehow they were irrelevant, used to show that my parents were 'perfect' while in reality they didn't give a stuff about me enjoying myself or having a lovely day. But like you said I felt so ungrateful, I couldn't even understand WHY I was upset when I had all these things bought for me. It is only now I can see they didn't care.

I know it feels like you must be in the wrong because they all have each other and you are apart, and feel alone. But they have spent your whole life putting you in the role of the scapegoat, telling you you are not good enough, unloveable, wrong. For a long, long time they had you believe you were not worthy of being loved. It is really, REALLY hard to get over that, to see that it's not true. To believe that you deserve better than them and they don't deserve you or your son.
I know how hard you're finding NC but it will get easier and you will start to feel like 'you', the you without second guessing yourself and how they want you to behave. I know it's cheesy, I know it sounds patronising but once you start living your life for you and your son, not your mother, and believe that you are worthy of being loved it will get easier and you will feel less alone. Truly. I have been through what you're feeling, sometimes it feels like things will never get better, that if they really are in the wrong how come they can seem happy but we are left lonely and guilty. I am getting past that though (in no small part thanks to this thread) and you will too. It takes time though after a lifetime of abuse.

You always offer such good advice to other people, please think what you would say to someone posting what you have. I know it feels different when it's you, that somehow the same things somehow don't apply but they DO. Make plans to have a lovely, special Christmas with your son. It will not be enjoyable or relaxing for either of you if you spend it with your mother. You are NC, don't worry about presents.

TheDrugsDontWork Sun 27-Oct-13 13:32:21

AndTheBand has given really good advice smile

HissyFucker Sun 27-Oct-13 18:01:55

You have ALL given great advice and I can see through the murk of FOG that within all those thoughtful words lies some really useful stuff, I will keep coming back to this and it will become clearer.

The issue is then, I think, that I don't believe I'm that much of a loss to anyone, so when taking control of a toxic situation, stating my boundary and policing it, the removal of ME won't impact them much.

The fact that none of them cares enough to do anything about my feelings is what reinforces the feeling further and hurts me the most. It's what I need however to use to fuel my extrication and evolution from their quagmire.

I have to work to believe that I AM good enough for me, for my son and for anyone else, and that I don't need to be grateful to anyone for liking me, because they'd be MAD not to! :D

I know what you are saying love, I'd be the first to say to someone else that they are good enough and bugger anyone who didn't see it. I know that's the right way to think, but somehow I struggle with being able to feel entitled to feel the same.

somewhere FB i think I saw 'The Voice you use with your kids will become their Inner Voice' I need to be my own inner voice somehow, and tell myself all the things that I tell my son.

AndTheBandPlayedForAnyFucker Sun 27-Oct-13 21:11:31

Dear Hissy,
You wrote:
The issue is then, I think, that I don't believe I'm that much of a loss to anyone, so when taking control of a toxic situation, stating my boundary and policing it, the removal of ME won't impact them much.
And:
The fact that none of them cares enough to do anything about my feelings is what reinforces the feeling further and hurts me the most. It's what I need however to use to fuel my extrication and evolution from their quagmire.

Yes. But not a loss to anyone, just not a loss for them because they probably never acknowledged that you existed in the first place. In assigning you a role, they dehumanized you. They, as my toxic sister, will probably abuse you whether you are there or not, may as well be a cardboard cutout.

Also, I do not think we need our boundaries to have an impact on our abusers. Imho, the holy grail is complete detachment, and that includes letting go of the hurt, anger, fear, etc. Our boundaries are all about us and what we need, without any regard to how they will (or will not) deal with it. They probably will expect it on some level and switch to plan B in the blink of an eye.

Your feelings do not register, or your feelings are dismissed, minimized, rediculed and/or any other mechanism to absolve themselves from the responsibility of being accountable for their completely awful behavior. That modus operandi lets them have their imagined high road of superiority... a self preserving alternate reality of their distorted thinking.

We dare to say the Emporer has no clothes, and we are booted to the curb. They party on. That spins us around...but just think about it: we do not need that kind of soul destroying connection, even if it does look like they are having fun on the surface. It is not fun for you, and also ultimately not your dc as they will train him to doubt you.

So the choice to not participate in it anymore is the right one. They will move on to someone else eventually. And you, and your ds, will move on with your mental health, self esteem, thriving happiness , and good old fashioned strength of character.

GoodtoBetter Sun 27-Oct-13 21:41:36

In short...fuck 'em Hissy. You will survive and be better, stronger and happier without their noxious presence.
And NO presents!!!!
NO contact. Enjoy the quiet.

xxx

AndTheBandPlayedForAnyFucker Sun 27-Oct-13 22:46:04

Spend the money you would have spent on them... on yourself!

There, that is more pithy! thlblush

Fleetwoodbigmac Sun 27-Oct-13 23:26:17

Hi all, hope it's ok to jump in like this? I've posted earlier in the year under a diff name- v.h.mumma . I'm just over a year nc.
I've had the phone calls, Humiliating Facebook status etc from 'd'm and 'd's even ringing my dh at work as getting radio silence from me.
This culminated in me getting police involved as I refused dms presents for dds birthday. This lead to db taking the presents to my in laws with a sob story. Realise a so called mutual friend of mine and ds has been alerted to my actions in the meanwhile and written awful posting in Facebook about how I'm a disgusting excuse for a human being and decided enough is enough. Dm and ds warned by police not to contact me and have heard nothing since.
Having gone nc I have had counselling, been on ads, attended a course for anxiety control, changed phone numbers, email address and moved to another town.

So why can I not shake this off? I'm so angry. How can they all just get away with this? My parents actions have permeated every aspect of my life. I'm in a better place now in some respects and able to do my college course, voluntary work learning to drive etc- things I should have been doing years ago when I left school. I have anxiety and depression. Ds has managed to turn 'friends' against me.
I suffer from flashbacks from my childhood. I think my dh will leave me as everyone else hates me. I worry I can't parent dd properly- If anyone remembers my posts under v hungry mumma - I am now potty training my dd and just remember my mother and father. My sis joining in with the nastiness.
Can't cope with the flashbacks. I want to be happy.
How can I stop the anger , bitterness. I don't miss my family- me dd and dh are better off, I know that- why can't I just , well, get over it now?

I'm seriously considering reporting my family to the police for historical child abuse. Is this wise? Dh thinks my mother could go to prison?

AndTheBandPlayedForAnyFucker Mon 28-Oct-13 00:37:46

Hello, Fleetwoodbigmac,
Imho, your post suggests you may be suffering Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Did your counsellor discuss this possibility with you?

It has been written in this thread that once we , the abused, are free from the family of origin, then our brains revisit the horrible events because it is safe to do so at this time. We are safe. Now we can process it (without needing our child level -that we figured out for ourselves- coping mechanisms to survive) and hopefully get our needs met, be validated that this was wrong and not our fault. And to begin to grieve the lost time of our childhood/life given over to the dysfunctional/abusive dynamic or environment...the loss we have suffered for not having the loving, nurturing, guiding, caring parents/family that every child deserves.

I hope this makes sense. You are early days yet, imho. It will take time.
Perhaps go back to counselling with someone knowledgable in PTSD if possible.

Congratulations on your course work and learning to drive!

I do not know anything about reporting historic child abuse (sorry, I have not gone back to read your other thread yet), except for a thread or two here about child sexual abuse (that was reported to be successfully prosecuted).

HissyFucker Mon 28-Oct-13 07:50:27

Hi Fleetwood yes I agree with AndTheBand if this is not going away, then you need more counselling and indeed look at PTSD.

What happened to you was serious, miserable and terrible abuse. As have we all, you've been conditioned to accept/expect it, but your reality of now tells you how abhorrent that treatment is.

In short, you're conflicted. Your inner voice tells you it didn't happen, yet the facts/memories tell you different.

Keep posting here if it helps? Look for PTSD counselling and keep on keeping on.

What's the alternative? Shutting up and going back? No. Not a possibility.

Fleetwoodbigmac Mon 28-Oct-13 17:45:43

Hi Andthebandplayed and hissy, thanks for answering. I think you're both right and I'm certainly suffering from PTSD- it was suggested by someone else last time I posted but I didn't act on it. Counsellor didn't really touch upon it- had 6 free nhs sessions but will get Xmas out of the way and find a private counsellor locally.

It's just the unfairness of it all I suppose- here I am doing things I should have been doing a decade ago, I will pass my driving test as a mother and wife- not a young girl spinning around with mates for eg. I'm hoping to go to uni one day after I complete this course. I'll enter as a mature student with my own home to run - no digs for me etc. just feels like they have stolen my childhood and half my adulthood. hmm which seems a bit self indulgent, I'm lucky to have the opportunities at all and should focus in the positives smile

Thanks for your support. I try telling people in rl why I am nc and people honestly think I'm barking! Nobody can understand.

MommyBird Mon 28-Oct-13 19:34:17

Hi smile

I hope its ok to just jump in and ask a question smile
I have posted about my MIL during the past 2 months. We have had 5ish years of her. Since posting i've been given some amazing advice and have been told she is toxic and a narc. what a fabulous mixture

We have cut contact. Ignored her 2 texts.
Its been just over 2 months and it really has been lovely.

We are new to this (being assertive, cutting contact etc) so this is our 1st christmas without them.
MIL has been text book, played the victim, got FIL to text DH about how upset MIL is that her only son hates her (there was no mention of the word hate!) etc.

So we was just wondering what was the next chapter regarding christmas.
Im thinking that PIL will turn up with a mass of expensive presents for DD1+2.

Any advice/tips would be appriciated smile

HissyFucker Mon 28-Oct-13 21:47:06

This will be my first NC christmas, i'm worried about it too, as you can see from above posts..

Oh btw, this thread is perfect for jumping right in, we all do it, we all have to do it! So please never think you have to wait a turn! smile

My sis sent presents last year. I sent them right back, next delivery. I don't know if she'd bothered to buy me anything, but bearing in mind she has to have scoured the entire island she went to, to find the smallest thing possible. Giving nothing would have been better. I thanked her wholeheartedly at the time anyway (pre-NC, pre-her mega reveal) but even then, before I realised what she had done, I was hmm to say the least.

What would YOU like to do at christmas? What's your perfect scénario? What about your dh? How's he getting through all this?

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