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I think he is a sociopath(54 Posts)
I have NC'd. If you recognise me, please don't out me.
Been with DP three years and we have an 8 month old DS. We are supposed to be getting married next summer.
After we had been together for a year, it became apparent that he had lied. Huge lies. Lies that affected every part of our lives, it was a web. When I look back now, I don't know why I believed him. I feel like a mug.
Anyway, it all came out and his parents helped us get back on our feet. I was checking up on him a lot and in time I was able to trust him again, as he hadn't lied. Then our DS was born and things were good. He had been out of work for a while but started working again early this year. That's when things started to unravel.
He got paid ok the first few weeks, then there was a problem with the bank (!) Then his employer wasn't paying on time. Then the job ended (agency work so I understood that bit.) He then got a new job, but it turns out he didn't. Fuck knows where he was, but it wasn't at work.
We have been surviving on tax credits and child benefit.
Thing is, I can't trust a word he says. He is grumpy, which I always put down to not having a job. Its clear that he isn't happy with himself. He gaslights me, talks over me in arguements, he could have made me believe the sky was pink. I feel so fucking stupid. He is flipping between blaming it all on me and apologising and saying he knows he has a problem.
When confronted with the lies he gets angry but he has never hit me. If he was depressed, I could deal with that (he has supported me through PND after DS) or if he was just a compulsive liar we could get him into therapy. But I fear that it goes so much further than that. I think he is a sociopath (after a lot of reading) and the only advice for dealing with a sociopath is to get as far away from them as possible.
Not sure what I want from this thread. I just needed to get this down. Any thoughts or advice is welcomed. Though please be gentle. I post on relationships occasionally, I have been in 3 abusive relationships, when I got with him it really felt like I had broken the cycle.
I am slightly appalled that you have not had any therapy - not unless we're counting the derisory 6-wk sticking plaster (when in reality you needed open heart surgery). I could be dark and thunderously angry about the neglect you poor head and heart has suffered.
Knowledge doesn't do it btw - it certainly goes some way, a long way, but nowhere near all the way. You have to experience healing, not think it.
It sounds to me that people have stuffed you back in the box. Toxic 'friend' re you were 'enjoying thinking about it' (I have a lump in my throat about that - whether because of anger or sadness, I'm not sure); the GP who stuffed you back re come back later. Perhaps you are more than happy to switch off the light and close the door, yourself? yes, understandable, I get that - who wants to look at it when it was bad enough at the time.
BUT your current life and relationships are screaming out that you need to address this stuff. Please, get on to it, get it started: no time like the present. You can get cut-price therapy if £ is an issue eg womens orgs; and most therapists offer a sliding fee scale, just ask. But please, get it started. I'm sorry to be so sure, but there will be a 4th, 5th etc abusive relationship. Reading won't stop it from happening.
If you read about severe back injuries until you had it all off to a fine art, it wouldn't heal your injured back: you have to do the therapy, actually do it. Willpower, knowledge etc won't touch it.
There are things that I would like therapy to help me deal with. My family and my mum for a start. But I cannot afford it, and right now I couldn't even commit to it if I was getting it free, I have DS and I don't have people to mind him.
Its a total mess. To be honest, I don't want to open the lid on my mind, how can I? There's too much there.
I miss him. I hate him and I love him all at the same time. I can see that he has abused me, I suspect I have abused him in certain ways too. I don't believe that he is malicious. I think he has had to face rejection and criticism his whole life. He has been the scapegoat in his family just as I have in mine.
Co dependancy might be unhealthy, but so is never being able to work at a relationship.
Well, let's hope the time will come when the decks are cleared and It's Time - to deal with this shit. I appreciate your huge reluctance, I remember feeling exactly the same way, that I would explode/implode somehow, that my body wouldn't be able to take it, take the pain and the horror. (I was far 'happier' (hollow laugh) ignoring it. Only it wasn't ignoring me! Jabbing away constantly in every possible area.) But it's not like that tbh. It's slow and manageable. A good therapist will 'hold' you (not literally!) and keep you safe, ready to face the world between sessions.
I say you have to 'do it' and by 'it' I mean you have to grieve - what you lost, what you didn't have, what was taken away. It's a process and it takes time - and it has nothing to do with your head. all the books in the world won't do it.
Have a look at codependency btw - and by that, I mean go to a group (don't do any more reading lol). It's not what you seem to think. It's very ordinary and manageable: basically, a room full of people who have been fucked up, abused, subjected to narcs, neglect etc; who have found dysfunctional ways to deaden the pain. It's basically coming out of that and learning to live in a whole way. Lovely, actually. Not dull.
i Don't have any advice at this stage - but i just wanted to say that you come across as a very able, highly intelligent person. You have put strategies in place to make things happen in your life, and you recognise what is happening to you now - believe it or not, i reckon you are infinatley capable of having a great life without him. best of luck x
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