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dp not coming home till 9pm because he been to see his mum

(32 Posts)
LittleBlondeNinja Thu 22-Aug-13 21:28:45

hes not lying I know he goes to see his mum but 3 days a week he doesn't roll in till 9pm. My DS calls him daddy but doesn't see him 3 nights a week because he doesn't come bloody home.

I hardly see him, we are having a rough patch atm and I feel like he isn't coming home to try to make it right

He goes to see his mates sometimes too but my question is when the fuck am I allowed out after bedtime for ds? never, because im waiting for him to come in so I can see him or spending the evening in to spend time with him

He tells me if I have a problem with him coming home late 3 nights a week then WE have a problem

I am 21. my life should be rockin but its not!

Leverette Thu 22-Aug-13 21:31:33

9pm isn't particularly late...

Why is your DS calling him daddy if he isn't his dad?

If you're angry and frustrated that you can't go out after your DS is in bed, arrange babysitting and go out smile you don't have to sit and wait for this guy to get in and entertain you.

forevergreek Thu 22-Aug-13 21:31:52

Why don't you all go?

NeedlesCuties Thu 22-Aug-13 21:33:01

He's being unreasonable.

What age is your DS? How long have you been with your DP with?

You are not in the wrong to want to go out sometimes, or to want him to want to spend time with you.

When he is at home does he muck in and do things around the house, look after your DS, have quality time with you?

Sorry for asking so many questions, just trying to work out what is situation is.

ImperialBlether Thu 22-Aug-13 21:35:36

Would you be happy with this situation, in the OP's position, Leverette?

Leverette Thu 22-Aug-13 21:41:08

I was in a similar situation myself at 21 with a 3 yo DS. My new partner was close to his parents and siblings and they would often cook for eachother of an evening. Sometimes I went, often not, partly because they were all raging carnivores and I'm veggie <awkward>

LittleBlondeNinja Fri 23-Aug-13 09:02:17

Ive been with dp 6 months ds is 2, he started calling him daddy on his own accord when we had been together 4 months ish.
When his mum was on her own because her fella had left we spent our weekend traveling to hers and spending time with her so she wasn't on her own, now the fella is back she doesn't have time for us on the weekend.

At weekends he does muck in looking after ds and helping do the house work but then I get told from him that he runs around after us all the time so its thrown back in my face.....not really sure what to do.

I have canerous cells and endometrious and because he at work when I have my drs appointments and he hasn't seen any medical proof he is now sayin im lying.

looks like this is the start of the end

if he's really young too you can't really expect him to curtail his life so much in such a short time and be your babysitter within 6months of starting see each other when it's not his child.

it sounds like it has all moved waaaaay too quickly. your expectations are way too high for a 6month relationship but then that relationship has moved too quickly so the expectations have rocketed along with it sad

if this was his child i'd be totally with you but he's not and you are way too quick in expecting him to be a parent to your child and in it 50/50 with you i'm afraid.

to put my comments in context - i am a single parent and i cannot imagine expecting someone i started seeing to have ds so i could go out within 6months (if ever tbh as they wouldn't be his parent or my babysitter). the daddy thing should have been hit on the head right away - 4 months in you were letting your son get massively attached to someone you had no way of knowing would be around for the long haul.

i really hope you sort all this out but if you don't i hope you will have learnt lessons for the future about how to approach relationships as a single mother and how to manage your son's feelings and expectations within that.

LittleBlondeNinja Fri 23-Aug-13 09:24:44

When ds started calling him daddy my head was in a real bad place tbh and looking back on it now I agree.
I don't expect dp to be his babysitter or look after him tbh I never ask him to its more a case of I wish he wanted to spend more time with me as he lives with us because his mum has no room for him now she moved her new squeeze in....

Think ive made a big mess of this haven't i

a bit maybe smile

letting him move in was probably a mistake. what do you want to do?

LittleBlondeNinja Fri 23-Aug-13 09:29:16

I think he is leaving anyway, he told me this morning that he doesn't think we will be ok and that he needs to think so I think that's the end really....

think I may just be on my own for a while ay

sooperdooper Fri 23-Aug-13 09:32:56

I think it sounds like a lot has happened very quickly, 6 months is quick to move in together, plus with you having DS is doubly quick

Maybe you need to figure out your relationship as a couple before worrying about how much time he's spending with your DS. Sounds like he's moved in for the wrong reasons really, if it's because his mum has no space rather than because you've planned it, maybe you could take a bit of a step back for a bit, would you be happier if he didn't live with you full time?

listen we only learn by experience ninja! and you will have learnt from this. don't be too hard on yourself - do all you can to keep your mental health afloat and your life on track so you can be there and be good for ds and support him through this guy moving on.

do you have friends and family around?

sooperdooper Fri 23-Aug-13 09:34:19

Sorry, cross posted there

Well, maybe that'll be for the best, sounds like you're not really that happy with how things are at the moment anyway smile

LittleBlondeNinja Fri 23-Aug-13 09:55:42

I have my family but hardly any friends atm

I feel like he doesn't live her anyway seen as he is never here, on wards and upwards hey!

TheOneAndOnlyFell Fri 23-Aug-13 10:00:12

I don't think your son should be calling this man daddy - it's waaay too soon, and he does not sound sufficiently committed to you. After only six months I don't think you are in a position to be laying down the law to a young guy about how often he goes out and what time he comes home, or how often he sees his mum. He's also not obliged to come home to babysit your child so you can go out.

You are wanting a fairytale ending and a happy little family unit and you are trying to shoe horn this guy into it. Which is a mistake.

Xales Fri 23-Aug-13 10:02:36

He says you are a liar over doctors appointment when you are ill.

This won't get any better.

Get rid.

TheOneAndOnlyFell Fri 23-Aug-13 10:05:12

And I agree such a young child should not be left alone with a man you've only known for six months. He didn't even come to live with you because he wanted to be a family - he came because his mother no longer had room for him. hmm

All sorts of wrong here.

yeah the OP knows that though theone

ok so, glad you have family and the friends business is one to work on. there'll be a reality of why you fell for him and put up with stuff and let it all happen so fast and you can work out what it is and how to fix that.

sounds like you don't feel you have much of a life and that tends to lead to a feeling of disconnect and or loneliness which then makes you susceptible to hanging onto driftwood iyswim rather than swimming to shore.

get rid of the driftwood, work out where shore is and start swimming there.

there is one more year and your ds will have some free nursery time - that's one landmark on the horizon. a year after that and he'll be in school. remember there is a lot more to come you know? when you're alone with a very young child it can feel a bit neverending and like this is it, this is your life now. reality is that time is flowing along it just ceases to feel like it when you feel so disconnected from the world.

you need to start making some babysteps about improving life for you and moving forward.

do you have qualifications? and clue what you'd like to do in life?

TheOneAndOnlyFell Fri 23-Aug-13 12:04:12

Well your life was never going to be 'rocking' at 21 with a 2 year old, so whether he is around or not makes not much difference to that I am afraid.

gee such positivity!

your life can be great OP. mine's ok and i'm 37 and a lone parent - i may have a bit more experience behind me but you've got a hell of a lot of energy and more time ahead of you than me.

by the time you're 23 ds will be starting school and you'll have your days to yourself and masses of options. in the interim you could do all sorts to make it better for yourself.

TheOneAndOnlyFell Fri 23-Aug-13 14:31:15

Well I don't think the OP did herself any favours by implying that this guy who she's moved in super quick should start act as babysitter so she can go out! Having a two year old generally means that you don't go out much. Especially if you are a lone parent - and she is. this guy is nothing more than a fairly recent boyfriend, not a partner, not a father. Her wanting to go out but having a baby in bed is not his problem is it?

If want to have a baby in your late teens then that is the life you've chosen and it's a bit tough on the old partying schedule but what can you do? hmm

no idea why you want to be so harsh on her. she's admitted she's messed up a bit and needs to move forward. laying the boot in about mistakes she has already acknowledged is a bit much. you sound maybe judgmental about young mum's?

Leverette Fri 23-Aug-13 20:10:15

Being a lone parent at 21 can feel bloody lonely - that kind of "you made your bed" attitude really doesn't help. OP when I was in your situation I lost all my peer group friends (pre FB and texting which didn't help!) but I made a couple of really good 'mum' friends the same age. We used to do sleepovers at each others homes with the DCs...happy memories of watching friends with pizza and wine grin I then went out LOADS in my later twenties...don't feel afraid it's all passing you by, it's just a phase smile and when you're as ancient as I am now you'll look at your big DS and remember how cute he was when he was only two.

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