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DH on holiday... so I looked through his wallet

(43 Posts)
mywayorthehighway Thu 22-Aug-13 16:09:49

Dh has taken the kids away for a few days. Not unusual as we do pretty much everything separately at the moment. We are separated though still living together for financial reasons and I don't expect us to get back together. I also don't see how we'll end it, tbh. I have no money to move out. He's not violent or nasty, we just get on with it for the kids.

Just looked through a an old wallet stuffed full of work receipts and found:

a. Half (!) a large red triangular tablet that I googled and now think is a 'generic' Viagra rip off

b. A paying in slip from the bank with the name of suspected OW on it, for £100 from 2011

c. A business card with the (unusual) name of a sports instructor on it that he used when on holiday with 'friends'. Having looked at OW's Facebook (before she blocked me!) I know she follows this guy and now firmly suspect she was also on the same holiday - he denied it before.

I could list all the other ways I've suspected he's cheated, including earrings in the laundry ( I don't wear them), unexplained dog hairs in his car (she has one) etc etc... I'm not devastated because I want him for myself. I don't. I'm just fucking angry he's taking me for an idiot and not having the balls to admit it when I tell him I know he's seeing/has seen someone else.

What would you do when he got back? Don't say 'have his stuff in the garden waiting for him' because I'm past all that.

He's taking the piss but I just want to get him to finally admit it after having confronted him SO many times before and he's lied his way out of it and made me feel like I was a nagging bitch for going on about it.

Sorry this was long. I have three days to get this sorted in my head.

BeCool Mon 02-Sep-13 15:17:21

have you reclaimed your life?

BeCool Mon 02-Sep-13 15:16:59

what happened myway?
Has he moved out???

mywayorthehighway Fri 23-Aug-13 19:26:27

THANKS everyone, for all your good advice

It's now or never

jakyjax Fri 23-Aug-13 09:18:13

when my sister got her cheating ex to leave (eventually) she took a lodger. she chose carefully, a lovely girl who brought fun (and a little money) into the house. The ex soon shacked up with the OW so the kids had her house for visiting.

Lonecatwithkitten Fri 23-Aug-13 09:04:11

With the benefit of my hind sight. You will never ever know the truth and as you can't change the past you will only make yourself unhappy looking for it. The limbo of living together,but separated is horrible. Living apart is financial difficult, but not as difficult as the emotional problems of living together.
Making a new life for yourself and your DC is incredibly cathartic. I have found making that new life very empowering, I am self employed and my business is better now than ever as I know I can cope alone and I can achieve anything I want.

feelingvunerable Fri 23-Aug-13 08:39:49

I totally understand where you are coming from op.

I would tell him to leave.

Make sure when he takes the kids out you do something for yourself. Contact your friends have lots of back up plans for going out. Tell them how miserable you are, you will be surprised at how much emotional support you get once you are honest with those who care about you.

I would keep a note of all evidence re his affair, you may need it later for your divorce.

For me being "separated" is living in limbo. I personally would rather get divorced and do without something to pay the cost.

This will mentally allow yourself to believe that you are on the road to freedom.

Please stop living in this no mans land. Get him out, start a new and better life for yourself and dcs.

As for confronting him over the affair, he will probably lie, my h did. Deep down you know the truth and that is all that matters.

BeCool Fri 23-Aug-13 08:26:29

Pack his bags OP.

you can't stay living with him like this. Pack his bags. He can go to OW or friends or to family on return from holiday.

Have you looked at the benefits calculation websites? Do that

The alternative, living together for the foreseeable future isn't really viable is it? And he will have to deal with accom suitable to have the DC. Not your problem.

AgathaF Fri 23-Aug-13 08:22:14

I think him moving out is the only solution. You don't need "an excuse to do something about the situation", you just need to decide that enough is enough and the situation is now untenable.

You say that you don't want the DC living in one room with him when they visit, yet would that be any worse that what they must be witnessing now?

cronullansw Fri 23-Aug-13 01:00:10

Here's a quote from the OP - ''We are separated''

Nothing more needs saying.

mywayorthehighway Fri 23-Aug-13 00:23:44

LookingForward, no worries, I didn't make it clear this was something I suspected had started when we were together.

I did think it might be a good use of time to get all his stuff together in the hallway for when he arrives home grin. Have unearthed a few other Facebook surprises tonight that shows he's been rather economical with the truth. It's amazing what you can come up with when you've got a bit of time on your hands to stalk his friends do a bit of research

LookingForwardToVino Fri 23-Aug-13 00:19:26

Sorry op I got the wrong end of the stick.

This is proof he cheated while you were together, totally understand why it stings now.

You still need to get away from this situation using whatever means necessary. Hell, just change the locks grin

mywayorthehighway Fri 23-Aug-13 00:12:40

Yes, obviously a breach of privacy! It seems like the only way I can get to the truth, which looks like he was shagging someone else when we were together.

But anyhow, that's not what bothers me. It's the face he's been lying for years. We are separated but that doesn't mean I want to be lied to.

MariaLuna Thu 22-Aug-13 23:41:18

We are separated though still living together for financial reasons and

So, you are separated.

Why is it still bothering you what you find in his wallet, and why are you going through it anyway - that is a breach of privacy.

You are separated That means he can do what he wants.

So can you. So become independent of him.

LookingForwardToVino Thu 22-Aug-13 23:34:09

I hope you find happiness op but I don't think you can do it living with an ex.

As for the ow etc... well it's not really cheating is it. You guys aren't together, you are just living in the same house for financial reasons.

(Or am I missing something?)

bunchoffives Thu 22-Aug-13 23:28:02

The actual cost of filing for divorce in the court is about £350. You can ask the clerk of the court for help with the procedure (or you can do a quickie on line).

The financial settlement is separate really. Mediation to get that worked out might offer a way of separating your lives properly. You would normally expect the nrp to move out and the rp stays with the DC in marital home until youngest DC is 18. NRP would make some financial contribution to upkeep of DC.

Start the ball rolling OP, you'll feel so much better. Why not book a free half hour consultation with a sol to start with. Or CAB?

Littleen Thu 22-Aug-13 17:25:36

I think, seeing as you are already separated, it is no point confronting him with these things. You need to try and find a way to live apart, and distract yourself in the meantime - perhaps even go on a date with someone. I really think you ought to get out and move on, or get him out. But try not to make it a hostile thing - sit down and have a chat with him about how you both can make it work practically and financially, without living together. Divorce can wait until finances are sorted - it's only a formality really!

BaldricksTurnip Thu 22-Aug-13 17:07:33

Good on you OP. I hope you find the strength to get free and find the happiness you deserve.

mywayorthehighway Thu 22-Aug-13 17:01:54

Thanks everyone for helping me see things a bit clearer

I'll keep you posted

Jan45 Thu 22-Aug-13 16:50:49

If the mortgate is repayment could you contact the lender and go on interest only, maybe until the house could be sold and you could afford a smaller place or at least rent somewhere and claim housing benefit. If this guy was even a decent parent he'd move out and leave you in peace.

Agree with above, in the meantime go about finding little bits of happiness for yourself, ie, meeting up with friends, cinema, anything that gives you a bit of a social life; I think you have become totally stuck and the longer you stay the worst it will get, he'll do as he pleases whilst you rummage for proof - you don't need it, you already know it's dead in the water.

mywayorthehighway Thu 22-Aug-13 16:49:22

High Jinx, you're so right, I need to find a way to be able to separate this in my head from everything else. Just seems to overwhelm me

mywayorthehighway Thu 22-Aug-13 16:48:00

PBB, that's it. I need to TAKE CONTROL. You've hit the nail on the head.

HighJinx Thu 22-Aug-13 16:46:43

Can you put aside these thoughts just for a while and say for the next xxx hours I'm not going to worry about ex or money and I'm going to focus on work or going out and having fun etc.

Give yourself permission to take time out from the worrying even if its just for a bit.

You don't need to get divorced to move on. Not straight away.

PostBellumBugsy Thu 22-Aug-13 16:45:13

Ok, so maybe if you seized control back again - you'd feel better & a bit more incentivised and motivated.

Divorce doesn't have to cost vast sums of money - it only does if you end up going to court. If you can come to a financial arrangement through mediation, then it'll cost alot less than your wedding did! wink

HighJinx Thu 22-Aug-13 16:43:01

You know he has cheated. He knows you know he has cheated. He is a twunt and refuses to admit it. These, among other things, are why he is your ex.

Him admitting it now would not suddenly make him respectful of you or less of a twunt.

mywayorthehighway Thu 22-Aug-13 16:42:19

We own it, paying the mortgage.
I do work, but my earnings are abysmal as I'm self emplyed and all this situation has made me depressed and struggling to motivate myself.

I think about divorce and all I an think about is how much it would cost

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