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How to tell child

(8 Posts)
00ricecakes00 Thu 22-Aug-13 07:32:15

Name changed. Have previously posted about recent discovery of Husband affair with very close friend of mine. He has left and is happy in his love bubble alternate reality built for himself. When he left we told daughter mum and dad have to live apart now, but still both love you.
As he is determined to continue this new relationship, we now have to tell daughter a lot more, as she will in class with OW's child come September. It is a small community and people know what has been going on, and 2 families separating because of it.
He wanted to go with, m and d already decided not to live together and now I am going to be seeing OW, who she knows very well.
I think think will leave daughter mistrusting us as it is not what she will hear from school, and I do not know what other child is being told.
Have discussed with H the words to tell her more the truth, daddy in love with other person, not what u should do when your married, and he is therefore leaving me to have this relationship.
Nightmare situation, as last thing daughter needs as is still coming to terms with separation news 3 weeks ago, but feel to send her into school without facts could be more damaging.
Advice, magic wands?

Silverfoxballs Thu 22-Aug-13 07:57:03

I think you have to tell her, I agree that far more distressing hearing from other dc at school or noticing. Other child very likely to say something.
Maybe post the age of your dd so someone wiser than I could suggest the actual words that are age appropriate though what you have written is a decent basis.

I'm sorry your going through this.

Cabrinha Thu 22-Aug-13 08:01:19

Age of child?
I've just told my 4.5 yo that we're divorced and living in two houses (we're not divorced yet, but I thought it was too complicated to talk about nisi /absolute!).
She was totally OK with it, and the same day told me that we should both find our "one true love" <<< blame Disney.
There was no OW in our case - at least, if you discount all the prostitutes.
Life moves fast for younger ones. I think that mine would be OK to be told about an OW already. Like you though, I would tie it in with the end of the marriage. I wouldn't tell her it started before - not for his sake, but for my child's. But I would say "Daddy is with xxx and you can't be married and have a girlfriend". But only if you can keep that neutral.
I'm very sorry for your situation, it sounds awful - but it is not for a child to worry about.
But that's all assuming from the school start thing that you also have a 4-5yo.

00ricecakes00 Thu 22-Aug-13 08:16:00

9 years old

00ricecakes00 Fri 23-Aug-13 11:09:56

Deed done, so heart aching to see your child receiving such damaging news, her worry that OW's child was going through same and upset. She cried, and cried, and got angry. So glad I had been to see counsellor to talk through strategies with her, they helped.
How often to these men's bubbles burst and they face the reality of what they have done, the damage and hurt caused, and if so, is it a 6 months of damage still to come, a year, 5 years?

ITCouldBeWorse Fri 23-Aug-13 12:53:03

I thinkit would be worth going to see school head about the situation, as the dc might struggle a bit.

How crappy for you. :-(

Fairenuff Fri 23-Aug-13 13:05:34

Make sure the school are aware of the situation. They will be professional and supportive.

I would tell a 9 year old the truth, in simple, age appropriate terms and, most importantly, make sure that she knows she can ask me anything.

Try not to blame. It's ok to let her know that you are angry, upset, or whatever you feel and to reassure her that whatever she feels is ok too.

Keep talking.

00ricecakes00 Fri 23-Aug-13 23:28:55

School administrator told, and am going in to see headmaster inset day before they start. So hard as H won't relay if son will even be still in same school, or what he will be told prior to school.
I have been saintly in my reassurance to her that this doesn't affect how dad feels about her, we both still love her the same, and we will get through this change, and we will all be ok it is just difficult to go through changes. He doesn't deserve this from me, but DD does. So hard.

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