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I had an affair, in love with the OM

(33 Posts)
AKVS Wed 21-Aug-13 23:36:41

I need some help or advice, I dont know.
I'm going crazy in my head and I just would like to see what others think sbout my situaction.
I'm 30 years old and been with my partner for 10 years now. We have a 3 year old daughter.
We had some ups and downs.
I felt many times that maybe I should leave him... We have been trough a lot during these 10 years and we love each other. However we r not like soulmates or anything. He's not sensitive and not romantic. Very practical, doesnt like to talk, during horrendous times in our relationship I would slap him in the face and he would do the same or worse. Dont want anybody to think that he's abusing me but he 's very rough emotionally when we r arguing. Now we no longer argue. Life became easier. He is out of this world good father. However I remember the bad times... and here comes the problem... The other man.
I met him when I was pregnant - he's mates with my partner. When I saw him - I couldnt stop thinking about him. It was weird, but soon I put that at the back of my mind and life moved on. Thats the time when after the birth me and my partner hit the rough times... After 3 years we went back to a good place and weirdly thats when I began my affair... I felt awful cheating on my boyfriend. I felt like I'm cheating on my child and the whole family all together. The guilt and confusion were a killer but I continued the affair for few months.
I love him. He loves me. He's my soulmate.
Now the affair ended but I miss him badly.
I dont know how to cope or get rid off that love.
The om is single now, going through divorce, have 2 daughters. Ugly divorce. He told me I have a beautiful family and should be with them even though every cell in his body wants to be with me.
Sorry for a long post and it all somehow sounds pathetic on papper but I'm just hurt and confused,
Anybody been in similar situaction?

Well, you should really leave your husband to be honest, you don't seem to love or respect him at all. You can't live a whole life with the wrong person for the sake of your child.

Floatsyourboat Thu 22-Aug-13 08:00:01

It is a horrible situation to be in but I think you need to stop being selfish and leave your partner. It's not fair on him or your child to stay in a relationship you are not happy with. You have cheated so you obviously don't love him and that's fair enough but let your partner go so he can find someone who does love him and then you can figure out what you want in peace. Don't go jumping into another relationship though! Let the dust settle and see what happens.

Squitten Thu 22-Aug-13 09:05:37

Well if the OM is your soulmate, why are you still with your husband? Have the decency to leave him and let him find happiness elsewhere. It is extremely selfish to use your poor husband to cover your backside just in case your wonderful other relationship doesn't work out isn't it? These are people's lives you're messing about with. Do the decent thing and end your marriage.

Isetan Thu 22-Aug-13 09:25:00

Soulmate indeed! Soulmate is the term the deluded attach to someone in order to mitigate their own poor behaviour. In reality, you are someone who has fucked someone else while lying and deceiving the person you had committed yourself to. Your H deserves better.

AKVS Thu 22-Aug-13 10:02:07

Ladies, I know cheating is wrong and hurtful.
I'm not trying to blame anything on my partner.
Cheating in general I think is a result of mistakes that Both partners have made.
Affair ended and I was just wondering if anyone else have been in the same situaction, but looks like there r just jugmental women here. Very sad.
Thank you for advice anyway.

Jan45 Thu 22-Aug-13 10:13:26

What do you expect? Read your post again with outside eyes.

You sound a very confused and slightly unstable person, still with your partner having done the worst possible thing to him and now harping on about missing the OM - your soul mate - where is he then?

You need to be on your own as neither man sounds suitable, can you not contemplate being without a man? Sorry but if you are hurt and confused then you caused that, nobody else so not sure what you are asking.

meditrina Thu 22-Aug-13 10:20:12

You do need to work out what you want to do.

Your marriage is bound to be unsatisfactory whilst your head is filled with someone else, and that situation is really unfair to your DH.

Now, it's your choice whether you stay in or leave your marriage. People do outgrow their marriages and you may decide that it is time to move on.

If you decide to stay in your marriage, you need to really work at rebuilding it. Full NC with the OM, individual counselling to help you find out why you had the affair and possibly marriage counselling to improve the relationship (though this is not straightforward when one partner in the marriage is in the dark about a massive issue that directly affects them).

What you should not do is avoid making a choice. You were able to choose to have the affair. Now you must choose what to do in the aftermath.

AKVS Thu 22-Aug-13 12:01:22

Thank u...

The relationship is worth fighting for but I need to get the OM out of my head. Anybody survived an affair?

Isetan Thu 22-Aug-13 12:30:36

Anybody survived an affair? Coz you impaling yourself on some random penis makes you the victim here!

"I'm not trying to blame anything on my partner", finally, your'e taking responsibility for your actions but then you write the next line "Cheating in general I think is a result of mistakes that Both partners have made".

As long as you continue to portray yourself as the victim your'e just another random penis away from doing this all over again.

Squitten Thu 22-Aug-13 12:43:29

Cheating is a result of YOUR actions and yours ALONE OP. Relationship problems are often two-sided but YOU are the only one who decided that having sex with someone else was a good idea. You are no victim and you need to take some ownership of what you have done, which it doesn't sound like you are.

I am curious as to why the affair ended in the first place. You love each other, he is your soulmate and he is ending his own marriage so now you could be together (if you left your DH). If it was all so great, why did it end?

TheHandbagOfGlory Thu 22-Aug-13 12:49:51

When you say cheating is the result of mistakes both partners have made, do you mean both the people who are cheating, or the one who is cheating and their real partner?

whycantimoveon Thu 22-Aug-13 13:20:30

You have so picked the wrong forum for support when you have had an affair :-(

Sorry OP but it doesnt matter what you say, it will be wrong !

Focus on the one or two supportive posts you will get :-)

LemonDrizzled Thu 22-Aug-13 13:41:23

AKVS I have been where you are and survived but not with an intact marriage.

When I first posted on here I had some bracing advice which was not at all what I wanted to hear. But it was what I needed.

It took me a long time to unpick what was actually going on in my life under a layer of denial and emotional numbness. I had solo counselling for two years and marital counselling for a year before I left my H. The OM stayed with his wife and we have had NC for four years. I rarely think of him now. I hope he and his DW are happy and I am sorry for my part in the affair.

You need to get some help to look at your own life. Look for what is missing and which of your needs are not being met in your marriage. Be honest with your DH and see if he wants to save the relationship. He may not wish to stay with you or may be unable to give you what you need from him. Then you decide for yourself what to do. It takes time and painful honesty to go through this process. But it is better than looking in the mirror at a liar and a cheat.

Good luck and don't give up because your thread gets nasty. Learn from it what horrible pain is caused by infidelity. Be ashamed and use that shame to give you courage to change your life for the better. But forgive yourself too. Everybody deserves happiness. Even cheats.

AKVS Thu 22-Aug-13 13:45:29

whycantimoveon - it seems to be the wrong place to ask for advice.... On how to get back on track with my partner... Forget all about the affair.
There was one thread like this on mumsnet - ladies were amazing - really inteligent conversation.
However I'm getting comments about "fucking other men" and "penises" etc. Awful :/

Is this place just full of Perfect and Non Jugmental and Secure ladies?

Thank you for all the non jugmental comments...

whycantimoveon Thu 22-Aug-13 13:49:55

AKVS - its seems the minute an affair is mentioned, all 'some' can think about is sex, as though that is the one and only reason for an affair.

'Your just another random penis away from doing this again' how patronising! :-(

You will get some helpful comments, focus on them and ignore the rest.

Jan45 Thu 22-Aug-13 13:54:20

AKVS: don't post on a public forum if you don't want honest opinions - you've been given good advice you just don't want to take it, so again, why post in the first place.

fifi669 Thu 22-Aug-13 13:56:08

You say you love your DP, I fear it may be like you love that old jumper or those comfy slippers.

You obviously aren't happy. DP obviously has shit friends. The situation isn't fair on anyone. You could get your relationship back on track but would it be what you really want? I think if you looked deep down its not. Your DP isn't who you're thinking about, it's OM.

Maybe time to stop flogging a dead horse and let DP find someone who loves him and not his mate.

LemonDrizzled Thu 22-Aug-13 14:04:52

I dont know how to cope or get rid off that love.

That is what you came here for I think . Advice on how to manage your life without the man you are in love with. So you concentrate on putting one foot in front of another. You run your house and look after your DD and try to be a decent partner to DP. And either it slowly gets better and the feelings for OM fade or it doesnt and you have to change tack.
It isn't complicated but it is very difficult.

meditrina Thu 22-Aug-13 14:05:27

If OP doesn't know why she opted for an affair, and can therefore deal with those causes, she is unlikely to learn from it to the benefit of her marriage and to avoid repeating the pattern.

The two of them were jointly responsible for the state of the marriage at the time she began to cheat, but only she is responsible for her decision to cheat (and the state of the marriage after the affair began isn't equal responsibility, for her H was playing against a deck he did not know was loaded). That's why I suggested individual counselling to work on those issues. There are all sorts of reasons why someone might give themselves permission to cheat. Only OP can work out the whys and wherefores in her case. But saying the 'mistakes of both' is perilously close to blaming the faithful spouse, and that's plain wrong. Problems in a marriage are hard enough to work through when there hasn't been an affair. OP, if she is serious about wanting to rebuild the marriage, needs to refocus on the marriage and what is/was right and wrong with it. Her choice to have an affair will make this immeasurable harder, but taking full responsibility for the affair is the start point.

You can't fix your marriage if your husband doesn't know it's broken. That's my advice. You need to tell him - he will either forgive you or he won't. Anything else is a lie and your marriage will not survive it.

AKVS Thu 22-Aug-13 14:25:11

whycantimoveon - maybe because that ladies were cheating just for sex? Or been cheated on just for sex? Either way that kind of comments r low and not helpful.

I didnt plan that affair with cold blood, I felt guilty and I didnt do it for sex and my affair doesnt mean that I dont love my partner (as some suggested)

I'm not looking for a cuddle here - just wanted to know if anybody else had an affair. If anybody else got lost in life.

Jan45 - I'm happy to hear all the comments, just dont think the penis away comments make sense.

Appriciate all the comments.

AKVS Thu 22-Aug-13 14:31:51

LemonDrizzled - that sounds like an sensible advice... Thank You.

DuelingFanjo Thu 22-Aug-13 14:33:32

wait until he is free and use that time to free yourself. Then if you still feel the same get together. Pretty simple really.

Why did the affair end?

Jan45 Thu 22-Aug-13 14:34:41

How can you possibly love your partner when you are sleeping with his mate - sorry but that's not proper love.

No point in criticising the comments you don't like, you have to take the good and the bad.

I agree with above, you said you've wanted to leave your husband several times - take heed, this usually means it's not working and isn't going to but come clean, tell your partner, otherwise as said, you're living a lie until you do.

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