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Nobody seems to want me around, dp, family, friends - I'm starting to get a complex

(13 Posts)
AdamsTrousers Wed 21-Aug-13 23:06:53

Not sure when this started really as I've only just sat here thinking about it and realised it's an issue.

Basically during the summer holidays dp took his kids away on holiday, just the three of them as he said he needed time alone with them. He said this was a one off and just because it was their first summer holidays with his kids having to realise he's in a new relationship hmm we've been living together almost a year but hey ho. So whilst he was off having a whale of a time I was stuck at home working, cleaning, ironing etc. He promised next year we'd all go away as a family.

So last night I came home from work and mentioned greece to him and explained how it would be perfect for us and his kids. He pulled a bit of a "oh shit" face and then said "err yeah but I do need to spend time with my kids on my own as well you know." I put it to him that we can't afford for us to go on seperate holidays every year which basically means that if he insists on this holiday alone every year I'm never going to get a holiday! hardly fair. Plus, I never signed up for this "we'll be in a relationship but lead seperate lives" scenario - I want to go away with my partner!!! He then said "well alright but you're going to have to like doing the stuff we like doing that's all." err hang on a minute, shouldn't I get a say too? or am I just the party pooper that's tagging along?? Anyway it kind of got sorted, he backtracked massively and said he never meant any of it how it came out, I'd just got wrong end of stick and he does want to go away with me hmm

Another issue is that last week we arranged to go to cinema this week to see kick ass. I was really looking forward to it and we were due to go tonight. A couple of days ago he came home acting all sheepish saying his mates were all going to cinema wednesday night to see partridge and he'd like to go with them!! I reminded him about our plans and he said "I know but it's work mates .... I don't want to be the only one not going, it's my career." hmm again I said "what about me?" and he backtracked and said "oh I'm still going with you, just we'll go thursday night instead."

So I'm sat here whilst he's out with his mates feeling rather hard done by but thinking "hey it's ok, I'm out on saturday night with my best friend." This had been planned a week ago. I text her earlier making sure it was still on, she said it was and that she was looking forward to it. Well she's just cancelled on me!! So that's my weekend buggered up too. And to rub salt in the wound - DP is now rather disapointed that I'll be home saturday night as he was quite looking forward to having the house to himself with his kids!! jesus wept why don't I just fuck off and read a book under a tree or something so I don't get in anyones way!

Last weekend my mum cancelled a trip we'd had planned for 3 weeks as her husband gave her a better offer too.

And a couple of weeks ago DP dumped our plans we had on the saturday because he "couldn't be arsed".

Feeling a bit hard done by :-(

TramadolDaze Wed 21-Aug-13 23:15:05

Oh dear. It all sounds a bit horrid for you. What I would do us this - get a hobby or interest and get done more (and better!) friends and become slowly but definitely less available to these people. It would help if you adopted a mysterious "happy" look about you which you are I willing to explain to anyone else!! Either that or fuck the whole lot of them off and replace with nicer people!

TramadolDaze Wed 21-Aug-13 23:16:02

Bloody phone! Get SOME more ffs not done more!

TramadolDaze Wed 21-Aug-13 23:17:29

And "I willing" s/b "unwilling". Time for bed - I blame the bloody Tramadol!

whitesugar Wed 21-Aug-13 23:19:54

I think this is how it is for mums sometime. Being taken for granted is the first item on the job description. They love you but need to be told to eff off. Stop doing things for them and you will soon see who needs who. You are not alone.

kookieangeluk Wed 21-Aug-13 23:27:19

Poor you!! You sound like you're having a rubbish time of it at the mo sad
I would start off by trying to have a proper talk with your partner - it'd be a good way to figure out what is going on!! Although I can see why he wants time with his kids, he really needs to be building you up as a unit rather than separate relationships that cannot collide. It's obviously upsetting for you and it's going to confuse the kids too. Like you say, it's unreasonable to expect you to hang around at home while he swans off on his jollies, especially when you can't afford to go away alone. There has to be a middling solution to this, but he really needs to get real and be honest with you about this whole situation because it just sounds a bit shifty. Sorry.
Friends-wise, I'm sure it's just a coincidence that plans are being broken, but it doesn't make you feel any better!! Like tramadol says, you could just bin them all off and do something you want to do with people who you enjoy being with smile
Hope you're ok x

AdamsTrousers Wed 21-Aug-13 23:34:52

I know the friends thing is just a co--incidence but it upsets me that my mate cancels on me and my partner is gutted that I'll be home saturday night. I can handle my mate cancelling on me but I'm not even welcome in my own home. It's just getting a bit beyond a joke.

kookieangeluk Wed 21-Aug-13 23:59:30

I can understand that. But, you shouldn't feel like a lodger in your own home and you shouldn't be made to feel like you're second best, or third best when it comes to mates and kids! From what you've said, you sound like you've made reasonable and welcoming suggestions to spend time with your partners' kids which is just lovely smile and unfortunately, he's the one being funny about it. If I were you, I would try to pick a moment when you're on your own together and set the record straight. You can't go on like this, you'll make yourself poorly worrying and feeling down about it. You don't deserve it! x

AdamsTrousers Thu 22-Aug-13 08:23:38

Hi Kookie, I tried to talk to him when we were alone but he just went off on one. My reasoning was that as adults we should make a decision about a holiday and the kids (they're both adults btw, 17 and 18) should get an invite to come along with us. If they don't like the idea of what we're doing, fair enough but that's their choice and shouldn't really impact on our decision. He says I'm being unfair and that I 'don't understand' that his kids are important to him. Course I do - but there comes a point where enough is enough. I certainly wouldn't have my own kids dictating my holiday and I couldn't imagine telling DP that I won't be going on holiday with him this year as I want to take my kids away alone. Can you imagine the fall out!

In other news, I've spoken to my friend. Told her not to worry about it and we'll meet up soon - she then replied asking if I wanted to meet up with her earlier so she could do both plans. May as well go along!

kookieangeluk Thu 22-Aug-13 10:27:12

That's a positive way to start the day! smile Maybe talking to your friend will help you to feel a bit happier. So pleased you got that bit sorted at least!
I'm at a loss as to what to say to your partner, so I can't imagine how you must feel! But short of having a major do with him about everything, I'm not sure where you could go with it. From what you've said, you've been nothing but reasonable with him - he's the one being completely irrational. If his kids had been little I could have been more forgiving, but 17/18? Is he kidding??! You're absolutely right, you could invite them along & let them be the judge. If they don't want to go, tough. I'm sure there's lots of other things he could do with them besides a fancy hol that leaves you twiddling your thumbs. He needs to accept that you're one unit. Not 2 x

Littleen Thu 22-Aug-13 17:35:09

I hardly know anyone that went on holiday with their parent/s at 17 and 18! Find that a bit strange tbh, I assumed they were little ones. Invite them and see if they want to go, but it wouldn't surprise me if they had more interesting things to do, like festivals or holiday with friends.

mummytime Thu 22-Aug-13 18:04:42

Maybe try to suggest some relationship counselling.

It could be if they are that old, that he is organising the holiday to cling onto them. Maybe they don't want to go but feel guilted into it.

Glad your friend is there for you.

I would also suggest you make your own plans and even go on holiday without your DP (may be a friend wants to go somewhere you have always wanted to), or even have an adventure by yourself.
One of my Mum's friends used to go on exotic holidays every year with her friend, as her DH wouldn't go anywhere exotic.

Finola1step Thu 22-Aug-13 18:16:04

Hi Adams. Have read your posts and I'm going to be blunt. You see this relationship as being for the long haul I think. But does your dp? Or is he deep down waiting to see how things pan out and therefore is quite happy to keep you a bit seperate from his children?

Harsh questions I know and I'm sorry if they upset you.

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