Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

My husband doesn't want to have sex

(21 Posts)
SunnyShine1234 Wed 21-Aug-13 22:06:57

Hi. I am new on here, and I have wanted to post for such a long time, but the reason I haven't is because I am scared of what advice I might get. I have been married for 12 years. I have 2 children. Sex was never a major thing for us, then we had kids, and since number 2 arrived we hardly ever have sex. She is 2 now. At first I didn't want to have sex after having her, I felt disgusting, I was shattered all the time as she didn't sleep well, I didn't feel attractive and was never in the mood, and it was very forced. Dh agreed to having a vasectomy as there was no way I wanted to get pregnant again. at first he didn't want to have one, then he suddenly decided he would and organised it. Since then we have had even less sex, and we can go a couple of months without it. I have to ask him all the time if he fancies it, but he always says he is too tired. For the last 2 years I have felt like he doesn't see me either. I have questioned him about it. I have told him he isn't affectionate with me anymore, he only tells me he loves me when he leaves for work, and its more an automatic thing, than something he means. I have told him I am upset he doesn't seem to want to have sex. He just says he is tired, he can travel 100 miles a day with his job and he is also away a lot, maybe once or twice every week. I often wonder if he has met someone else or if he is having an affair, which he has denied, and got angry at the fact I had even suggested he would. Even though I have spoken to him about it, I just don't feel any better. Can it be true, is he really tired? He is 42, and I am 40, so no spring chickens, but surely young enough to have regular sex. By the way, I don't need a lot of sex, I think it is bothering me more that he doesn't want to. I have said to him that all men want sex, but he says that is a myth and his mates don't have sex as often as they used to. Does anyone have any words of wisdom? It is on my mind all the time. Thanks x

maleview70 Wed 21-Aug-13 22:24:21

"sex was never a major thing for us"

This contradicts what you then go on to say.

Not every man wants sex all the time, that is a
Myth.

However, of he shows no interest then he probably has
Fallen out of love with you and sees you more as a friend than a sexual being.

When you have had sex in the past, have you been adventurous, tried new things, put sex at the top of your agenda or has it been more a case of "we should have sex as we haven't for a while"?

Sex can become extremely boring with the same person if you put no effort in and I include him in this.

Maybe it's time to have a discussion and see if he wants to do anything with you to make it better.

If he doesn't, you have a decision to make!

Catnap26 Wed 21-Aug-13 22:29:50

I think it is a myth that all men want sex tbh but I do think it is easier for men to get aroused and up for it (excuse the pun) than it is for women.

I also think it could be a genuine reason him saying he is too tired given the amount of travelling and working away he does.

Ok just forget your thoughts of him having an affair and concentrate on each other.

When you go to bed do you both go straight to sleep or do you read/watch tv and do you go to bed at the same time?if you are both lying in bed reading or watching tv why not initiate something rather than asking,you could just be kissing it doesn't have to lead anywhere but kissing alone can be very intimate and sexual.

I'm sure you have thought of ways to spice up your love life eg hand cuffs etc but I don't think there is any need for that.you should both set aside one evening a week where there is no distractions (except the kids but hopefully they will be sleeping) phones off etc and you both just talk over a glass of wine about anything,work,the news,whatever this is your time to reconnect with each other and that in itself can be very attractive.

I'm not sure what else to suggest except couples counselling if you feel it would be necessary.

I hope this helps smile

DuelingFanjo Wed 21-Aug-13 22:52:04

You say you 'hardly ever have sex' how often do you? There's another thread on here at the moment from the man's perspective and he is having sex once a week but feels like it's not enough. Most people on that thread seem to think that is about right if not really good for a cople with two small children. Are you having sex less?

Do you think maybe he feels like you are pestering him too often, particularly if he is very tired a lot of the time?

SunnyShine1234 Wed 21-Aug-13 23:02:37

When I said sex was never a major thing, we probably had sex once a fortnight, and that suited us. Now we go months without having it. The last few times we did it was over in minutes. I don't think he thinks I am pestering, but seems annoyed at me for asking him why he doesn't want to.He says he is exhausted all the time. But he also doesn't show any affection, we get into bed.He watches a bit of telly while I try and fall asleep, he doesn't cuddle me or anything. If I cuddle him he soon shrugs me off saying it's too hot, or I'm too cold.

Catnap26 Wed 21-Aug-13 23:13:34

I think the only way to go about this is to tell him how you feel when he does do things like 'shrugging you off' it doesn't necessarily have to be about sex.perhaps he feels that there is too much pressure and that when you do try to hug him in bed he feels that that has to lead to sex when all you want is a cuddle and to feel loved.communication is key here but only if he opens up about his feelings too.if he doesn't then maybe you should explain to him the severity of your situation and the need for things to change.i don't think sex is the massive thing here,I think its more to do with your need to feel loved and wanted in this relationship which is totally acceptable.

TheFuzz Thu 22-Aug-13 02:58:28

There is a chance he could have developed Post Vasectomy Pain Syndrome. This has ruined our sex life in the last 12 months. Everything works for me, but I end up in terrible pain after. I am in constant pain, but its much worse after intimacy and exercise.

Mine developed immediately, but its common for it to develop later. Please ask him about it as many men hide this fact and its common in one in ten vasectomy cases. I was lucky I knew about the condition, although the GP brushed it off. My Urologists actually said its very common.

Certainly worth discussing, and ruling out. Unfortunately treatment options aren't great, although I'm giving further surgery a go. Can't Carry on like this. He may need to at least see a GP.

TheFuzz Thu 22-Aug-13 03:00:31

On and that's why I am up at this time of night, down stairs, in bad pain, and don't want to wake my wife.

sadsong Thu 22-Aug-13 08:20:25

Sunny shine, I could have written parts of your thread bar the bit about the vasectomy. As we haven't gone down this route yet. We've had issues since ds was born 2 yrs ago too.

I don't have the answer, i wish I did. I do think life can get in the way sometimes and men don't over think things like we do. I know my dh wouldnt be able to tell you when we last had sex. I think I remember the exact day at least 2 months ago. Have you tried a holiday or few days away? Difficult with tiny ones I know but away from the stress. Even just to hold hands and have a chat. You don't have to be completely intimate. I also find the lack of interest in me is knocking my self esteem. But i dont feel great about myself anyway. Our life is ridiculously stressful, as we have a v large family and 2 companies to run. I've made some really life changing decisions about how things are going to improve this summer. None of which include, driving 100 miles an hour to the nearest Ann summers. Sex is a 2 way thing. It's not just for one parties benefit. So as much as I know if I pestered dh, he would oblige after about a week. I want him to want me. To do that he has to remember who I am. I think he's got complacent. Too much going on and forgets to make the effort.

I do hope your dh isn't having an affair. Just because he works away doesn't mean he is. I know my dh isn't, but I have checked his phone on the quiet. He knows I've done it and wasn't at all bothered. Actually he was pleased I was bothered enough to check.

All men are different, they aren't all after sex every 5 mins. I have to say I really miss it. But my brain isn't particularly turned on at the moment even if my body was anyway. Life is v stressful.

Keep talking. My dh has said the exact same thing "I'm too hot"! He even brings ice lollies to bed FFs! wink but he has also said he hadn't realised how turning me down or away makes me feel. My dh is 40 next month and I think this is also playing on his mind. His dad died in his 40s. We have a tiny ds and he worrys he may not see him into adulthood. He's even given up smoking nearly a year ago, but has put on a couple of stone in weight, these things are stressful alone let alone normal daily life. My dh is not a talker, so I have to make him.

SunnyShine1234 Thu 22-Aug-13 08:58:08

Thanks for the replies so far, all helpful. Thanks sad song, I appreciate your reply, and that things are similar. It's nice to hear in a way so I am not alone. If I just knew he really wanted me then I would feel happier. He does work hard. He works away and misses the kids, he took a promotion which he did want, but it also meant I would be able to keep being a SAHM. He comes home about 7.30 each night when he isn't away, and sometimes has extra work to finish on his lap too. Our 2 yr old as never been a good sleeper and we are generally both shattered all the time. I sit alone at night's thinking about things, over analysing everything, and like you say men dont do that like women. But I am worried if it continues as it is, we will have nothing left and split eventually. I always wonder how much sex friends have, to compare, but it's not something you ask is it. I just dint think he sees me anymore. I am not high maintenance and I dont t think I am being unreasonable to want my husband to show me some affection.

LEMisdisappointed Thu 22-Aug-13 09:15:43

TheFuzz, im sorry that you are experiencing that sad I was also going to suggest that soething to do with the vasectomy should be considered. I didn't know about post vasectomy pain syndrome, it sounds grim. I was going to suggest that maybe there is some psychological or maybe erectile dysfunction issues going on.

We don't have as much sex as we used to and it bothers both of us actually, but we are shattered and we don't have a 2 yo. DD2 is 8. We used to have morning sex but DD is in our bed at 6am confused every morning, earlier at the weekends hmm We often send each other suggestive texts and are up for it in the evening, only to find that by the time DD has gone to bed and we have watched a bit of TV we are both snoring on the sofa. I also find that when we don't have sex we are shorter with each other than usual and my anxiety (a separate issue) is much higher. I find that if we make the effort, then for the next few days it happens more, we feel more relaxed and therefore the sex continues. I would say that he wants it more than me, it used to be the other way around.

Don't pressure him, if he feels pressured then this may be why the cuddles etc get rebuffed as he will feel they need to lead to sex. You sound like you have a TV in your bedroom - i'd throw that out of the window thats for sure! the bedrooom is for reading, sleeping and sex!

Make some effort (both of you) if yu can to spend some quality time together (i know this is easier said than done), even if you watch a dvd or something, go for a coffee or something - no sex, try to reconnect that way, the sex may follow.

I do understand how you feel, i just can't help but wonder if there is more going on here than meets the eye (no i don't mean an affair). But also, tiredness is the biggest killer of labido there is.

SirRaymondClench Thu 22-Aug-13 10:01:47

Can I ask Op did your DH really want a vasectomy or did he feel pressured into it? I don't know obviously but it might be a factor.
Also what TheFuzz said is relevant too.
(BTW TheFuzz sorry to hear about your Pain syndrome. That sounds awful. Hopefully surgery will sort it out)

Op I think you need to sit down with your DH and talk about how him pushing you away makes you feel.
Sending you a hug. It's sounds like your DH didn't have the highest libido before the children and I've lived with a man who had a very low libido so know how soul destroying it can be

SunnyShine1234 Thu 22-Aug-13 12:29:32

I too wonder if there is something more to this, like he doesn't love me anymore, or find me attractive. We do talk, but he just says he does love me so that should be enough. He didn't want the vasectomy at first, but then made his own appointment without any hassle from me.

DuelingFanjo Thu 22-Aug-13 13:51:23

he doesn't want another child I guess.

You need to sit down and talk to him about how it makes you feel but in a non pressure way.

Perhaps counselling might help?

What kind of hours is he working? If you're shattered from work and you also have children to deal with the moment you get through the door, it's really hard to have any energy left for that side of things.

And do try to find out if he is in any pain. He may be too embarrassed to say anything.

I wouldn't think "affair" unless there was something dodgy setting off the alarm bells. But if I were wrongly accused of cheating when I was fatigued, overworked and in pain, I'd go off my head.

sadsong Fri 23-Aug-13 19:09:54

Hi sunny shine, have you managed a chat with dh? How are you feeling about things now?

KeepTheFaithBaby Fri 23-Aug-13 22:30:08

I would encourage him to go to the doctors. My DH was similar - disinterested in sex, always said he was too tired and making excuses. When we did, he often lost his erection. I thought it was just pressure - we were TTC and he was in a stressful job - but fertility investigations revealed that he had a medical problem. He had high prolactin levels (what women produce when breast feeding) which in turn caused low testosterone (so slow swimmers). He's started on medication and has massively improved. He's got more energy, initiates and enjoys sex now. I really thought he'd gone off me. I'm not saying its always a medical issue but its definitely worth checking.

SunnyShine1234 Sun 25-Aug-13 20:22:14

Hi sadsong. We have had a chat. He tells me he loves me. He just still keeps saying he is tired, but knows he needs to make more of an effort. I was in bits over it when I posted on here. It was worse because he was away and I couldn't get hold of him. Maybe his operation has played a part, maybe he does need to go to the docs. Things need to improve for us though, I am scared what may happen for us if they don't.

Lucylloyd13 Sun 25-Aug-13 23:42:53

I guess this is about you.

most women have sexual needs. if yours are not being fulfilled then you may need to look elsewhere.

SummerDad Mon 26-Aug-13 01:45:44

Lucylloyd13 Is this really as simple as that?

SunnyShine1234 Wed 28-Aug-13 18:15:12

I think it is more about being wanted really.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now