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DHs possible unknown child

(54 Posts)
beatbox Wed 21-Aug-13 21:59:12

What a shitty mess.

Turns out that DH is possibly the father of a child from his last relationship. I am all over the place right now and I can't really order my thoughts.

Me and Dh met Feb 2008 this relationship ended Nov/Dec 2007. The ex was, according to her 2 months pregnant when they split however she didn't know she was pregnant until about 6 weeks after they split.

She never told DH until now, He doubts he is the father as the relationship was not exclusive on her part plus he says he used protection. He thinks she has only come now since a relationship break up/money (which he should rightly pay if child is his).

I feel like the bottom has fallen out my world. DH has a lot of anger towards the ex and is adamant the child is not his, he doesn't really want to engage in any conversation with the ex (or anyone, including me) about it. the ex is saying the child is his for sure as it looks like him but doesn't really want to discuss DNA testing and says her word should be taken as the truth.

KhloeKardashian Wed 21-Aug-13 22:02:03

I am so sorry this fell in your lap, so unfair on you.

You only have his word for it that it wasn't an exclusive relationship on her side.

I would be pretty pissed off if my word wasn't believed. I would in the end do the DNA test, it would really sour my opinion of someone not believing me and I would expect an apology when the DNA test came back.

CaractacusPotts Wed 21-Aug-13 22:03:39

I'd be suspicious that she is trying to avoid DNA to be honest!!

However, it must be done and I would insist.

I'm sorry you're going through this, sending love.

Hissy Wed 21-Aug-13 22:04:57

With all the best will in the world, a DNA is the place to start before another word is said.

Be strong, support your H, it's as much of a shock to him as it is to you.

No-one can change the truth, but the truth must be found and faced, regardless.

SquidgyMummy Wed 21-Aug-13 22:05:15

didn't want to read and run, am so sorry to hear this. has he only just found out today?
Perhaps let the heat get out of the situation and discuss the DNA testing again (find it odd that he doesn't want it done).
Do you have any DS'c of your own?

CaractacusPotts Wed 21-Aug-13 22:06:20

khloe you say that you'd be pissed off if your word wasn't believed and then doubt his!!

How very odd hmm

SquidgyMummy Wed 21-Aug-13 22:07:49

sorry, misread the OP, she doesn't want the DNA testing done.
If she has nothing to hide and she has kept this pregnancy and now child quiet for 5 years, surely she must realised your DH would want one done

TramadolDaze Wed 21-Aug-13 22:08:01

Is it the ex that doesn't want the DNA done? I find that quite telling. She surely must expect him not to just roll over and accept this and the test would put all doubt to bed for good. You/he must insist on the DNA test and if the child is his obviously he'll have to support it. I understand you're shocked but there's no point at all you going to pieces over this - it's not as though he's deceived you in any way. He's been deceived. Good luck.

They need DNA testing. If the ex has no doubts he's the dad then she'll have no problem with the test.

Catnap26 Wed 21-Aug-13 22:16:19

Ok gather your thoughts and lets be rationale.the only way to know for sure is through a DNA and that should be stressed to the ex.if he is the dad then you will all have to deal with that as a family.i think for the child's sake he shouldn't start any sort of relationship with the child unless a DNA is done,he should probably find a solicitor for advice and go down the formal route.let the ex know he is seeking advice from a solicitor and all contact will be made through them.i know it will be expensive but he has to do things formally or it will get very messy.i wouldn't doubt your husband until the facts come out.this must be an awful situation for the both of you but try to be strong together smile

NutritiousAndDelicious Wed 21-Aug-13 22:22:49

Your DH needs to Instruct a solicitor and request a DNA test, until thats done, have no contact.

If the child is your DHs then apologise and proceed through solicitor, if not then at least you haven't had to deal with all the stress and you can move on.

It does sound shady that she's so sure but yet, left it so long to so anything about it, seems as the child is 5?
But then again, there is nowt queerer than folk.

OrmirianResurgam Wed 21-Aug-13 22:27:14

If she is so sure, the test won't be an issue. I'm sure it would be lovely if he was just to take her word for it but he had other responsibilities now and it would be selfish of him to just accept this without confirmation.

beatbox Wed 21-Aug-13 22:31:11

It is her who doesn't really want to discuss DNA testing. DH dent really want to speak with her, but ignoring it will make it worse for everyone not resolve the situation. Maybe him ignoring it ATM is because of the shock and disbelief???

He found out yesterday and told me today when i twigged something was up.

We have a DD who was 2 a couple of weeks ago

The ex is from another town about a 40 min drive from here and after the break up was straight away in a relationship with someone else who apparently there was and overlap with, hence DHs statement about the relationship not being exclusive on her part. I was aware of this from the start of our relationship so not just something being said to try and deny possible parentage.

It transpires that this relationship has recently enede, possible trigger for now getting in touch?

Thanks for suggesting a solicitor, had no idea where to start in getting a DNA test apart from a morning ITV show

Catnap26 Wed 21-Aug-13 22:41:42

Some solicitors give 30 minutes free advice.i would tell you DH to ring a local solicitor in the morning and ask for advice.if the ex is pestering then tell him to simply tell her is seeking advice from a solicitor and all contact should be made through them.you never know she might come out with the truth then because I doubt her intentions tbh and suspect she may be lying which is very very sad for all concerned particularly the child but if she isn't then you will all deal with it as a family and regular contact should be made through the courts.

beatbox Wed 21-Aug-13 23:02:22

Yes I think that would be the best way to deal with it. Stupidly it never occurred to me to do that what with feeling like I have had the wind knocked out of me.

Will get him to call round solicitors tomorrow morning. Hopefully he can get an appointment to sort things ASAP as most importantly the child needs to know its parentage and be entitled to a relationship with DH if he is the father and in time half sister or to eliminate DH allowing the ex to concentrate on finding the childs father rather than wasting her time insisting DH is

Catnap26 Wed 21-Aug-13 23:19:28

Of course you are going to feel like your world has just been shattered but if he is the father then he can gradually build a relationship with her and in time be a part of you family.your DH must also be feeling terrible because he could have potentially been denied the right to have a relationship with his child for the past 5 years and he must be so confused about that.i do feel sorry for men sometimes because is now in a very vulnerable position.

KhloeKardashian Wed 21-Aug-13 23:36:10

www.cmoptions.org/en/toolbox/leaflets.asp

You don't need solicitors or courts.

You get the DNA test, your DH pays child maintenance, he sets up a schedule, probably one weekend in two if not living near by.

No need to be a control freak regarding contact by going down the court route. What a horrible thing to do without even trying, to the child, putting them through CAFCASS assessments. Both parents would have to self prepresent or with be left with no money due to legal fee's as no legal aid anymore.

you can buy a DNA test online but your DH and his ex would have to cooperate to get both of them and the child swabbed. It costs about £200.

beatbox Thu 22-Aug-13 08:14:33

I knew you could get DNA test kits online but I believe they show a lot of inconclusive results so thought it we be more better to seek professional assistance.

I dont understand why it is being a control freak wanting to involve solicitor/court as if the ex is resisting or not being cooperative DH could not DNA test a child he has no access to. And he can't just believe her word as that would be more damaging to the child in the long run. The child has already spent the last 5 years under the impression that her mothers now ex partner was it's father and its only going to cause more damage having contact with DH only to find out he is not either.

I am sure if I remember correctly from when a friend and her DP split a few years back she was told she HAD to try and mediate with her ex P about the children BEFORE the court would hear a case as they may find a solution without the court involvement.

Hopefully the same is recommended and DH and his ex can agree on DNA testing and depending on the outcome a way forward.

Thanks for your help x

KhloeKardashian Thu 22-Aug-13 11:12:19

Once you start with solicitors and courts you are on a slippery slope.

If parents communicate and it seems both ways, your DH is not even communicating with you, then you are looking at years and tens of thousands of pounds going through the court process.

I highly recommend you write a very nice letter to the Mother and I mean very nice. Explain you would like to have a DNA test done, that it in no way means you don't believe her, you were advised legally to do this. To ask what her bank details are, so that x amount every month. What activities does the child do at weekends, and what kind of contact does she suggest to begin with. That you were thinking a period of one on one contact between the child and father and building from there.

Go aggressive with solicitors all you want, it will cost you money, ruin lives, make you bitter and cost a good relationship with the child and it's Mother.

KhloeKardashian Thu 22-Aug-13 11:14:35

I meant if Parents can't communicate

You really have to go back to basics, treat this Woman as if she is telling the truth (don't pay money or set up contact till the DNA test is back), treat her with respect. Treat her in a way you would want to be treated yourself. If you continue treating her in an aggressive way, her against us, that is going to create a horrible life for your child, and the other child who is as innocent as your child.

Damnautocorrect Thu 22-Aug-13 11:21:06

On Jeremy Kyle spent alot of maternity leave watching it they did say be careful of the online ones some are not as reputable as others.
Sorry I can't help anymore, but I truly feel for you. What a horrid woman to do that after 5 years to you guys and her child.

MrsMinkBernardLundy Thu 22-Aug-13 11:31:36

I think it is worth treating this woman with some civility for the sake of the child and to avoid undue stress but I don't think she necessarily deserves it.

Dh has done nothing wrong.
He was in a rs. She ended it to take up with someone else. presumably this person also thought he was the father or she was happy to let him think that. and is only changing her mind now they have split...possibly because he realised.

. if not then she knew it was not his but Idid not tell the op dh who she is claiming is the father about it. that is her choice but having made that choice it is a bit rich now to turn round and say i have a child i never told you about and i cheated on you. why won't you just take my word for it? because she has shown herself to be untrustworthy .

So i don't think op or her Dh should grovel to this woman.

i think they should be matter of fact and practical.
Establish parentage. one it is established, act accordingly.

This is what the women in question should have done five years ago but chose not to. so i am not going to sympathise either her overly just because she is female or because she has a child.

She is not being very understanding of the chaos she is causing.if she has her dc interest at heart then she will be happy to have the truth established beyond doubt.

Also need to find out what birth certificate says. if tiger man is named as father he has parental responsibility. if Dh is father he will have to apply for pr which requires proof.

ihearsounds Thu 22-Aug-13 11:33:14

She could go to csa, he then denies the child is his. They will arrange a dna test. If the child is his he starts payments and pays for the test.

You really don't need to go to solicitors at the moment. The only thing she is not keen on is the dna test. You don't know what she will be like in regards to contact etc. There is simply no reason to go in straight away with solicitors.

MrsMinkBernardLundy Thu 22-Aug-13 11:33:31

Tiger man!?! The other man
sorry for typos

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