Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Married but very, very lonely

(79 Posts)
chestnutblue Wed 21-Aug-13 20:30:59

Hello all, I thought I'd put this out there as it's colouring every day of my life. I have a husband and our relationship is "ok" we have problems but none of the enormous kind but I am so lonely.
He is an extremely defensive person which makes it very difficult to communicate. His go-to response is defence and he finds it extremely hard to take responsibility for his actions, always believing that something or someone is ultimately to blame.
He's a good person and a kind and loving father but although he swears that he loves and is in love with me he seems to have no energy for our relationship, in fact the only real relationship we have together is as parents and occasional lovers.
I am so lonely I found myself searching the internet for platonic friends sites, then realised it is a partner's intellectual company I miss, I already have female friends, and so got a grip and decided to try here first.
Any thoughts, advice, similar experiences?

carlywurly Wed 21-Aug-13 20:47:17

That sounds tough. Do you have anyone who can offer childcare so you can spend some time together away from the house? Any shared interests at all?

chestnutblue Wed 21-Aug-13 21:20:31

We have no family support at all but can get the occasional sitter for an evening. Thing is he just wants to go to the pictures and every single Friday night he falls asleep on the sofa. It makes me want to scream.

carlywurly Wed 21-Aug-13 22:12:20

Sounds like you're stuck in a big rut. Were you friends before you got together? Has the dynamic always been this way or have things changed?

Leavenheath Thu 22-Aug-13 01:59:23

It's not going to change without having a conversation, but maybe try the old assertiveness technique of saying how you feel, rather than 'you make me feel' which often makes people on the receiving end, defensive and counter-attacking. Add in your own questions about how he feels about your relationship and you might get somewhere. Plus some shared empathy.

So it goes like this:

"I know we're both tired with work and the kids and we're going through that phase in life where we're both knackered, but I've realised I'm feeling quite lonely in this marriage and I'd like to address that. It would really help me if you'd tell me how you're feeling too?"

Oh - and listening to eachother.

Nadalsballs Thu 22-Aug-13 10:07:44

Reading this made me cry. I feel the same. DH is there but he isn't. He only shows any affection when he wants sex. The rest of the time our relationship is just practical chit chat or niggling at each other. We have two DCs, 3 and 1, I'm so tired and fed up with it all.

When we talk about it DH gets v defensive and says he can't balance everyone's needs - work, Me, the DCs, his ex and other DCs (my step DCs). I understand that but it seems out relationship comes last.

I'm just hoping things will get easier as the DCs grow up, otherwise I don't know what will happen as we can't carry on like this. We used to be so madly in love and now I feel like he doesn't care hmm

Sorry op, that's not v helpful to you. Have you taked to your DH about it?

I k ow that doesn't help you Op

chestnutblue Thu 22-Aug-13 14:34:38

Hello all, thanks so much for your input. Nadal, it does help to know that others are in the same situation. I hope someone comes up with a magic elixir to help ease this problem.

I have tried talking to my DH, many times. It always ends in promises of changes to come, which never come. I have worked incredibly hard to make my wording entirely blame-less but he still hears accusations in what I say.

He works hard and is tired, justifiably, but I really feel I could be any woman, in this house with these children doing the things I do, and it wouldn't change much for him. I don't feel as if it is me he wants or needs, just someone.

Nadal, it's the same for me as far as sex goes. He wants sex a lot, I want it less often, but he can't seem to give me a hug or a kiss without there being intent.

Jan45 Thu 22-Aug-13 14:45:38

Sounds like a rut and an imbalance with his needs and yours. It's not just the act of sex, it's the intimacy it brings as well as good communication - try a date night once a week that isn't the cinema, a meal, a drink, somewhere you can both sit and talk about you two and not the children - relationships don't just amble along, they take effort and work, he needs to put in if he wants a happy wife and a better marriage than what it is at the moment, you're not a robot, you have feelings. Lonely in a marriage is not normal, tell him this and that things need to change if he wants to keep you.

Try recapturing what you like in each other when you first met.

SummerDad Thu 22-Aug-13 22:21:23

I am sorry I may not to be able to suggest something helpful but would like to share my experience as I have been in a similar situation for many years now and I know exactly what you are going through. A lonely existence with no end in sight, a marriage with no intimacy, no excitement, no friendship, not sharing any of the hobbies, feeling distant and apart like the two sides of a stream going on and on but never meeting.

In desperation, I started to share on these forums last year during Christmas holidays when the loneliness became really unbearable. Over the years, I had started to blame myself that I was not doing enough but as it turned out after individual relationship counselling sessions, that was not the case. Like your husband, my wife won't ever take the responsibility though she would be very quick to promise to fix things without even working out what is wrong.

I tried a few websites including dating sites just for platonic friendship but none of the extremes were good for me and here I am again. After our son goes to bed, we are in separate rooms doing our own thing !

I just posted to let you know that you are not alone, you may be lucky enough to sort this out or brave enough to be free but there are some who don't have any of these options.

Ginga66 Thu 22-Aug-13 22:38:38

I feel the same. I cameon here tonight looking for identification. I just tried to say to my dh that I would like a kiss, hug, nice statement and he basically just gets up and walks away from me accusing me of attacking him. He says things will be better in a few years! Our dcs are one and four.
The kids don't sleep till late. We both work but both work situations rocky. Difficult relations with in laws etc. we both have hobbies separately.
We used to be in a band together but he quit. He says he was forced out which is not true. He alsonever takes responsibility, never apologises, blames everyone else. I tried suggest evenings out and he will go to the cinema bu have to arrange it he never does. He spends every free second glued to the iPad, his phone or a book. He never looks me in the eye, tells me he loves me or takes an interest in my thoughts or feelings except to judge me or accuse me of being 'too snsitive'.
It was different when we met. He would listen for hours, make love, shower me with affection. H has become a grumpy, cynical and disinterested partner.
I am very sad and lonely too.
He adores th kids and is a great dad anddoes loads of housework but I also feel like I could be anybody. I don't really feel liked let alone loved.
I always initiate intimacy and have done for ages now. But I canno voice any of this without being accused of complaining. He says if I was pleasant he would hug kiss etcbut I hav tried that too and nothing happens.
I reall still love him and miss him so i am just waiting I guess for him to show an interest, maybe I'm a idiot. He seems totakemoreinterest and be more Caring and considerate to his mother to be honest. Which makes me dislike her. I feel the more he sees of her the less he is admiring of me.
I am sleeping with my kids and he s in spare room but i don't think it bothers him. Crikey I have just really depressed myself sorry!

SummerDad Thu 22-Aug-13 22:45:52

Ginga I could write your post. At least, you still love him in my case, being constantly so distant and living with a feeling of being rejected and not liked I a am not sure if I even love my wife any more. To be honest, I am not even sure about the definition of love.

BadSpeakingSkills Thu 22-Aug-13 22:46:24

Ginga - I could habe written that post sad

I think there is lots of other people out there like this.

MariaLuna Thu 22-Aug-13 22:54:54

you may be lucky enough to sort this out or brave enough to be free but there are *some who don't have any of these options.*

I'm sorry, but you always have the option of making a better life for yourself.

Some people just prefer the status quo, even if it is soul destroying.

<speaking as a yes, it's hard but happy LP>

SummerDad Thu 22-Aug-13 23:07:52

I'm sorry, but you always have the option of making a better life for yourself.

You are right, I have made my choice and this is the best I could get but it does not make it less miserable [smile]. My son is the most precious thing to me and I want to be there with him and for him at ever wonderful moment of his life. In this justice system, what are the odds of a man getting justice if the other half decides to be nasty.

maleview70 Thu 22-Aug-13 23:17:06

Why does everybody have to stay?

I can see why if you still love someone, you may hope that they will change and things will revert back to how you want them. In your case summer dad, what is stopping you both making the break when it is clear that the feelings have gone? Is it financial?, fear of losing the kids?

You really do only get one life and my mum spent 43 years with a man that made her feel like this every day. It was only his death that broke the spell.

maleview70 Thu 22-Aug-13 23:21:32

Summer dad, I had this fear. My child was 4 when my ex had an affair and I made the decision to leave.

She held all the cards in respect of my child and I held the same fear.

It worked out ok in the end. I hadn't hurt her, I didn't have an affair. Why would she stop me seeing my son? She didn't and I have a great relationship with a now 20 yr old young man!

You can go the same. She is probably as unhappy as you!

MariaLuna Thu 22-Aug-13 23:27:34

Yes, I do absolutely understand it from a male point of view.....

The only thing I can say is one day your kids will have grown up won't want you "interfering" any more LOL

but the one thing you can teach them - and the best gift - is not to stay in a horrible relationship.

But the love for them will always be there.

MariaLuna Thu 22-Aug-13 23:33:19

maleview70

Great to hear that - that's what I meant....

My DS also has a great relationship with his Dad and family, as do I.

Ginga66 Thu 22-Aug-13 23:38:27

I do understand summer dad. It is so easy to say leave but who wants to share seeing the kids? I couldn't bear the thought of missing weekends with them let alone the day to day that is special beyond compare. I don know the answer. It's the loneliness that kills though. I not even forty! I want some fun and joy and love. Seems that the majority of marriages go sour for at least a while judging from what I hear at toddler groups though. I don know man happy couples. I do know ones that can talk to each other though and b generous and try. It's the unwillingness to even discuss things that is so hard.but I guess I should know better. My dh is a cross me and u r dead to me kind of guy. I just didn't know this about him before we tied the knot. Can peopl change so much? I am baffled. Disappointed. Worried.

Monty27 Thu 22-Aug-13 23:44:00

Hmm this happened to me when I was married to exdh. I couldn't bear it. My theory was we just thought marriage meant different things. I craved company, but with two young dc's it was hard. The house was immaculate, dc's were, I cooked every day and when I went back to work we got a cleaner. At the weekends he would work. Both days if I didn't put my foot down. He just didn't seem bothered.

Anyway, he turned to another woman in the end.

chestnutblue Thu 22-Aug-13 23:45:37

Hello all, thank you so much for joining in with this thread. I do feel better just knowing you are all out there, some feeling the same as I do.
I can understand Summerdad, Ginga and Bad, why you are still there. No heinous crime has been committed, except neglect. Maybe it is easier to leave if there is a concrete reason for going but my DH is NOT a bad person. He is just not fulfilling my needs as a companion.
Personally - and I am not being a martyr - I couldn't create the havoc a seperation would cause in my children's lives. I am unhappy and lonely but perhaps - foolishly - I hope that this will improve one day. He seems perfectly content with this status quo.
I think I also rely on him for my own happiness too much. He fell in love with a woman who was independant and strong. Children have drastically changed the balance in our relationship, and made me unsure of who I am.
I do not imagine that life with another would be better, but I am crushed by his lack of care for what we have and what we've created. It was a choice but I never chose to be so insignificant to someone who is at the heart of my family.

SummerDad Thu 22-Aug-13 23:57:55

chestnutblue again, I could have written your post. Don't blame yourself for your husband's issues. We rely on our partners for our happiness that's why we commit for being together for life. Why would we do it otherwise. Being lonely and bashing your own self for things which you are not responsible for is two fold agony.

Thanks to the lovely people on this forum, I went for counselling on my own as my wife did not agree to do that and I realised I was solely not responsible. Like your husband, my wife is a wonderful woman and a lovely mother but she is perfectly fine with the status quo too which makes me resent her really. I can understand the pain and loneliness of your posts and these remind me of my early posts last year. Nothing has changed for me though I don't blame myself for the problems as much as I once did.

I wish everyone on this thread to find some comfort and fulfillment in life. We live only once.

maleview70 Fri 23-Aug-13 00:02:18

I suspect there are many millions of people around the world in similar positions. It is sad to read your stories, I can feel the pain just reading them.

apaintedveil Fri 23-Aug-13 16:38:40

Tentative post, here, but OP I wonder if you might look at this thread here to see if anything rings a bell/seems vaguely familiar? If it doesn't, please ignore!

chestnutblue Fri 23-Aug-13 17:12:25

Hello Painted And thanks for your input. I'm certain my Dh doesn't fall into that category but thank you for trying to help. (Smile)

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now