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DH wearing more than just womens underwear, I don't like it. Don't know what to do now.

(76 Posts)
ItsATurnOff Wed 21-Aug-13 16:10:57

When me and DH got together, after a while I suspected he liked wearing womens underwear as he kept trying mine on 'for a joke' in front of me. Anyway, he finally admitted that he likes it and at first I wasn't overly bothered, or maybe I thought I wasn't, I don't know now tbh.

After a while he started buying himself some and wearing on occasion at night. Then it was every night. I would frequently see him lean forwards with some lacy/silky/red or blatantly womens underwear on. It became a bit of a turn off tbh.

I do the washing and I noticed more and more womens underwear. He seems to be buying new stuff all the time, he now must have between 30-50 pairs, I haven't looked that closely but it is a lot, more than his normal underwear and far more than I have. He says he likes the feeling of the silk etc but there are thongs (which can't be a comfort thing as they are not comfortable) and lacey ones. I get more and more annoyed by it and I have hinted heavily as much, he knows it bugs me but he never mentions it and carries on buying them. When I say he has been buying more, he just denies it, even though as I do the washing, its obvious when more new ones crop up. The other day I was on his phone (with his consent) and when I went back a couple of pages too far, it came up with the Tesco website, where he had been looking at more womens underwear.

Anyway, just now I was putting something away in his wardrobe when I saw a bag scrunched up at the back and it was all tied up. I opened it and in there is 2 womens lacey body suits, one with a bra type top. They clearly aren't for me as the bra size is all wrong and they are far too big for my body. I don't know when he would ever wear this, I am always around. On the odd occasion I am out, then the kids are here. There is the odd time I go out of an evening but this is not frequent.

I don't like this. I didn't really like the underwear, it didn't matter quite so much when it was 1 or 2 pairs and he kept it hidden more, but then he didn't bother to hide it, bought more and more even though he knows I don't like it and now this. I don't think he wants to dress as a woman. I have asked him before and he said no and I do believe him.

I don't really know what to do now. sad

justwondering72 Sat 24-Aug-13 22:05:31

I would agree with everything Gottasayit says. That you canlove the man and hate the behaviour. That your feelings about the behaviour can change over time. That he will minimise the importance or significance of it in the early stages of a relationship then, as he feels more comfortable or simply as the compulsion grows, the behaviour will escalate. And that, ultimately, you have to decide for yourself what you can live with and be happy. Because you are important. But the same goes for him. He needs to decide what he can live with, whether he can realistically limit his behaviour and genuinely be happy. And if you cant find some middle ground that you can both live with, then you have to both look at moving on.

Good luck OP.

Hey, OP... my DH has XD for a very long time. I'm like you - love him, but it has killed just about all sexual desire for him in my head.
Don't be tooled along by posters who say 'try to ignore it, it's just his little thing' - I totally get how it is massively linked to your sexual identity, desire, etc etc. It doesn't work, trying to ignore it. And don't think for one INSTANT that he will stop. If he does - his compulsion will come up in another form. It may help remove issues of depression or alleviate it / anxiety for him, as well, it's incredibly complex behaviour.

Not going to go into my life history here, ti's about you, not me. But if you have any questions, mail me privately. If you search for me you may find my previous threads about it. This nearly caused me to leave him about a year ago but I have worked through it now.
Good luck, I have every sympathy for you.
Much love.

GottaSayIt Sat 24-Aug-13 20:17:01

noddyholder. I think that's missing the point. He's not into women's underwear because he is not fulfilled sexually.

Maybe if you were both sorted sexually you could even enjoy it too?

I found sex with my DH repellent and confusing when he was dressed up in women's underwear. It is very hard to "sort yourselves sexually" when a whole secret part of his life seems alien and repellent to you.

Trust me, I've been there. It's not as simple as sorting your sex life, in fact, it can be the death knell to sex and romance.

Transvestism is a deep seated compulsion, not just a liking of silky fabric, or a sympton of an unfulfilled sex life.

noddyholder Sat 24-Aug-13 14:52:43

I think the key is sorting out your sexual relationship and maybe if he is fulfilled in that area (and you!) he may feel less need to get his pleasure from the underwear. He may never fully give it up and its part of him and why should he? Maybe if you were both sorted sexually you could even enjoy it too?

WeAreSeven Sat 24-Aug-13 13:40:56

She has to get to the bottom of why it disgusts her so much? Why should she? It's not like most of us are gagging after men in frilly knickers and it's abnormal not to be! She just doesn't like it. I don't know many women who do.
It sounds to me like she tried to be accepting and given an inch, he took a mile and now it's too much.

Lizzabadger Sat 24-Aug-13 13:25:19

I think the underwear is the least of your problems. If you can't improve your relationship in general I think you need to think seriously about splitting. No one does their kids a favour by staying in an unhappy relationship. Good luck.

GottaSayIt Sat 24-Aug-13 13:20:03

*The OP is the one with the problem here, not her DH, all he wants to do is wear underwear designed for women, which in the scheme of things, isn't such a problem.

The OP needs to get to the bottom of why it disgusts her so much.*

I disagree with every word of this. It's not just about a man who likes women's underwear. It is very hard to feel sexual feelings for a man who is wearing a nightie and silky knickers. The Op does not need to get to the bottom of anything. A turn off is a turn off.

GottaSayIt Sat 24-Aug-13 13:16:32

NCed for this. OP I have been through almost exactly the same. My exDH told me before we got married, but played it down so much I never thought I'd even see him like it.

Once we were married, it went a bit mad and our sex life was similar to yours. He had no sex drive unless he was wearing women's underwear. He wore women's clothes at home and I hated it.

You haven't been "lying" to him for 13 years, you have found that as time goes by it disturbs you more and more.

Sadly, my ex is an ex for this reason ( among several others). It muddled our roles and muddled my gender in my head too. Was I the man or the woman now? Once the sex life went, I felt like his mother. I felt like it was the silky underwear turn on he wanted and not my body. It was a lonely time watching someone fulfil their every compulsion and feeling very detached and uninvolved.

I have every sympathy for you and the posters who are being nasty are being unfair on you. Until you have been in this position, it seems so easy to say what you would do IF this happened to you.

It is a compulsion and even if he promises to stop, it probably won't work.

Good luck. flowers

Vivacia Sat 24-Aug-13 13:00:37

Mortified I would feel the same. That's one reason why I don't understand how the OP could handle a couple of pairs, but not 50. I think one pair is enough to inform a woman what her boyfriend's proclivities are.

MortifiedAdams Sat 24-Aug-13 11:46:51

I have to say (flame me if you feel the need), that if a man was more turned on by being in womens undrrwear than seeing me in it then we would split.

Any man that prioritises his fantasies and desires well above your wishes is someone who should be on their own or with someone who feels like they do.

ItsATurnOff Sat 24-Aug-13 11:39:02

"Why should he stop being who is is just because she has now announced, 13yrs down the line after they've had kids that actually, she doesn't like it and wants him to stop or the marriage is over.

She should never have lied about it or led him along into thinking she was ok with it. She has lied all along. she knew about this fetish before they married, if she has such a huge problem with it then she has entered into the marriage with him under false pretenses"

I massively resent this!!!!! angry

I have NOT suddenly announced 13 years down the line. He has been perfectly aware for some years that I thought it was getting far too much. I said as much to him but he done his usual of completely ignoring something that he didn't like or want to talk about. I can't make someone who just walks away, talk to me about it.

Before we got married, it was a couple of pairs, that he occasionally wore. It has got more and more over the years and I made it obvious to him that I didn't like it, however he just ignored it.

I did not LIE to him, I was ok with it occasionally, with the odd pair. Not to the extent it has got to and NOT with the other things I found in the wardrobe. This marriage was not entered to under false pretences. I am hugely offended by your insulting post.

"She has not lied, but communication has broken down. I can imagine that he played down the significance of his fetish to her at the start of their relationship and since, and that now with time it has become a much bigger deal to him. How exactly is that OP's fault???"

This. I do think he played it down, or it has just got worse over the years and maybe even he didn't know the extent.

I also do not believe he is a transvestite, he has never done anymore than the underwear and he says no when I asked him many years ago if it was more than underwear. I do believe him when he says this. Its quite obvious when he hesitates what he really thinks, but he doesn't hesitate when I ask him about dressing up further and I do believe him. I don't really like to label him as a transvestite because that's not what he is.

FastLoris I get what your saying but its not the same as a married couple having different hobbies or something like that, which is what you last line implies, of course we both have separate interests but that's not what this is. When he wears it to bed and expects sex whilst he's wearing it, its then very different to what you are saying.

Boozy yes it can be called hiding when they are tied up in a carrier in the back of his wardrobe. We have our own wardrobes and I don't usually go in his, hence him hiding it in there. I just happened to be putting something away in there when I saw it stuffed at the back.

BoozyBear Sat 24-Aug-13 10:46:38

how is putting them in the washing hiding it?

the only thing he has 'hidden' is the two body suits, and it cant be called hiding when they're in a bag in the wardrobe.

hiding is secreting it in the loft under the floorboards or something, not leaving it in the wardrobe where they can be found at any moment.

Vivacia Sat 24-Aug-13 10:29:36

I don't think there should be any blame or apportioning fault. This is a sad and difficult situation which requires compassion and understanding on both sides.

For some reason, early on, the existence of the small number of knickers was ignored. I wonder if he pretended they didn't exist due to shame or confusion and if she pretended they didn't exist because they were the only flaw in an otherwise perfect package.

calmingtea Sat 24-Aug-13 09:50:40

It doesn't sounds like he is a transvestite, but rather that lady's knickers is his fetish and where he gets his sexual kicks. Yes it is 'who he is' but OP could have entered the relationship where the underwear was much less relevant, and with time it has escalated into more of an addiction for him. For the OP it can feel like there are 3 people in a sexual relationship and that she is the less important. Her partner is being very unfair hiding it and not being open, as clearly he is making decisions about their sex life that don't involve her. If he is not being a considerate lover with her and his focus is more and more on the underwear, it can feel just like someone having an addiction to porn or an affair. A partnership is two people, and of all things their sex life should be open and shared. She has not lied, but communication has broken down. I can imagine that he played down the significance of his fetish to her at the start of their relationship and since, and that now with time it has become a much bigger deal to him. How exactly is that OP's fault???

BoozyBear Sat 24-Aug-13 09:15:24

yes, but you dont go into a marriage to change someone, you are supposed to love and accept them for who they are.

Why should he stop being who is is just because she has now announced, 13yrs down the line after they've had kids that actually, she doesn't like it and wants him to stop or the marriage is over.

She should never have lied about it or led him along into thinking she was ok with it. She has lied all along. she knew about this fetish before they married, if she has such a huge problem with it then she has entered into the marriage with him under false pretenses.

And its no more HER space and HER bedroom and HER bed than his, they share a space and why should HER preferences take precedence.

The OP is the one with the problem here, not her DH, all he wants to do is wear underwear designed for women, which in the scheme of things, isn't such a problem.

The OP needs to get to the bottom of why it disgusts her so much.

WeAreSeven Sat 24-Aug-13 00:59:37

So her children matter and her husband matters but she doesn't? What she wants and needs come bottom of the pile?

The OP sounds to me as if she's repulsed by this. And if she is, she is. The fact that it turns him on does not negate this because his feelings don't trump hers.

It they're only "pieces of material" then why should he be turned on by them, why should it matter to him what type of pieces of material they are?

And so far, he has not pursued this alone. He has brought the underwear into her bedroom and into her bed. Into her personal and sexual space and she doesn't want them there. And this lady has already suffered abuse so has already had someone invade her private, sexual space. She doesn't want this, nor should she be expected to.

FastLoris Sat 24-Aug-13 00:19:59

I just feel sorry for the husband. Firstly, what he's doing isn't wrong, yet he has the disgust of his most cherished person in the whole world. I just don't understand what options this situation leaves him with, other than deceit.

I agree.

And for those being so blase about leaving him, bear in mind the OP is talking about splitting him up from his children, despite acknowledging herself that he's a great dad to them. How this can be justifiable - for either him or the children - just because he has a personal clothing fetish that she doesn't happen to like, is beyond me.

Some people don't seem to get that it's perfectly possible for married couples to have aspects of their lives that they follow alone, that their partner doesn't share or understand, and that every detail of a person's life doesn't require the explicit approval of their partner. Wearing clothes that were designed for a different gender is HARMLESS. They're pieces of material, not violent offensive weapons.

You don't like it, so work out a way for it not to involve you. My wife has all kinds of things she likes doing that I don't, so she does them without me. I thought everybody did.

TiggyD Fri 23-Aug-13 22:13:57

Never play hunt the thimble with a transvestite.

A quote from me to cut out and keep, but seriously, it's something that goes to the very core of him. It's one of the things that goes to make him him. Ban it and he'll get depressed and mess himself up, or he'll hide it and mess himself up that way. TVs are very good at hiding, hence the inital quote. They can do it for decade after decade.

You sound like you need counselling AS A COUPLE. And try this website. The Beaumont Society is a bit twin set and pearls and lily of the valley bath salts.

Vivacia Fri 23-Aug-13 19:18:20

I think the ideas in your 19:07 post are far more healthier than trying to lay traps. Good luck to you both.

ItsATurnOff Fri 23-Aug-13 19:07:18

I've found a brilliant local website so I am going to have a look on that and I am also going to tell DH that we need help and see what he says.

Part of the problem is I thought that we always have the kids and he works full time but it looks like they are open until 9pm so we can go after the kids are in bed.

Still after an help and advice on here though. I always find MNetters very helpful. smile

ItsATurnOff Fri 23-Aug-13 19:04:02

Turnedrightoff do you know what, its such a relief to hear about someone in the same position!!

I can't talk to anyone in RL about it as I wouldn't do that to DH, he would be utterly mortified and I couldn't do that to him.

I haven't seen it on here so I had to raise it. Its good to know (although not really because that means someone else feels like me) that I am not alone.

DH will be back soon so I'll have to wait until he's not around.

ItsATurnOff Fri 23-Aug-13 19:01:03

I didn't want to ask him about the bag because I wanted to see how hard it is for him to get rid of. If he leaves it and leaves it then it will give an indication of how hard it is for him and I can go from there. If he had just got it all done and thrown it, then it doesn't look like so much of a problem. I have no issue asking him if he has got rid yet but I don't want to because I am trying to gage how much of a problem it is for him.

The undressing isn't odd, I just assumed for years that all the sex stuff was me, but actually, the lack of anything different or simple stuff has never made me think 'wow' and want it more.

I guess we settled pretty young really, but this is what I have chosen and I am not going to just quit.

Yes I think the counselling needs to happen because I have reasons for my issues that won't be resolved with a change of partner.

Turnedrightoff Fri 23-Aug-13 19:00:00

OK x-posted with about the last 20 minutes. I've got to go out now so I'll try & catch up tomorrow.

Turnedrightoff Fri 23-Aug-13 18:57:19

I've namechanged for this but just wanted to say thanks so much OP for raising this. I have nearly the same thing with DH (except not 50 pairs I think!) ever since we were together. I've made him swear he doesn't wear it out of the house - I hate to think he'd bend down wearing jeans and his work mates would see a lacy frill. I've never dared ask for advice on MN.

We have a pretty crap sex life - infrequent, we were both fairly inexperienced before we got together. In every other way we are the best of friends and absolute life partners, DH is someone I really love and respect. But every time he (infrequently, these days) makes an approach I just have to say "are you wearing..." because I find it such a turn-off. And hate myself for hurting his feelings. If I come across them in the washing I sometimes just bin them out of annoyance. We did have some counselling a long, long time ago, the very lovely counsellor sensibly said it shouldn't be a show stopper and we really just needed to be better at communicating. But it's just got pushed to the bottom of the priorities behind work/kids/DIY etc.

A lot of men find talking about sensitive things hard - I honestly don't think they have the vocabulary to describe emotions.

If I could have a wish I'd wish for us to have a relaxed, interesting active sex life where I was completely cool about it (and I think if we did he'd be interested in women's knickers less and hopefully mine more). I can see that maybe I have to change too. As others have said at least it's not porn or an OW.

I do believe that counselling can often help relationships and I suppose that would be our best route. When we have time...

Good luck OP and posters. So glad it's not just us.

ItsATurnOff Fri 23-Aug-13 18:56:53

So what type of counselling do we need? Sexual and marriage is what I'm thinking. I know I can get referred for the sexual counselling through my GP but what about relate, or do you have to pay for that? Don't think we could afford to pay for counselling. I am currently awaiting counselling for other issues I have (yes, I am a bit of a train wreck really!) wrt my past, nothing to do with this at all, although I don't know if the abuse will come up.

I don't want to just give up but at the moment I am not sure if I can get past it on my own.

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