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Feeling very hurt, is it time to accept a dear friendship is coming to an end?

(25 Posts)
SixteenthEdition Wed 21-Aug-13 16:07:29

I have been good friends with X for 20 years and really enjoy her company when I see her. We now live in different cities about 1.5 hours away from each other.

X is extremely busy and popular so I have always had to make plans well in advance with her. When we lived in the same city we would meet for drinks after work with very occasional weekend meet ups. However now we live 1.5 hours apart week day evening meet ups are hard as we both work full time.

The last couple of times we have met up I have gone to see her, I have started to feel like if I want to see her I always have to be the one making the effort rather than it being a two way thing.

X is now pregnant with first child, due in Feb 2014. I text her saying it would be good to spend some time together before baby arrives, let me know if you have a free weekend day in the next couple of months and we can put something in the diary. X has replied saying she doesn't have a weekend slot for me (sure she could find one if she wanted to) but that she could fit me in on a weeknight (again if I am prepared to make the 3 hour round trip to her home town).

I just wonder why I bother, as clearly I am not a priority for her anymore. If I didn't value her so much, trust me, I would have given up long ago.

Is it time to accept that I have lost this very valued friend?

Dackyduddles Wed 21-Aug-13 16:09:24

Lost? No. Dialled back maybe. Just write. Priorities change but true friends don't.

Can you talk like time doesn't matter when you do see her?

BranchingOut Wed 21-Aug-13 16:09:48

Maybe she is trying to fit in a lot of child free stuff and family visits before baby arrives?

Maybe just be patient and see how things settle down after the birth.

impatienttobemummy Wed 21-Aug-13 16:10:29

does she work weekends? I find it hard to believe that someone would have no weekends free between now and Feb 2014?!

SixteenthEdition Wed 21-Aug-13 16:12:59

Maybe lost is the wrong word as I think she still cares about me, I am just definitely not on her priority list now.

No she doesn't work weekends.

When we do see each other I really enjoy her company and we taller on so well. There are very few people I get on so well with.

MillicentTendancies Wed 21-Aug-13 16:14:16

It is sad but friendships change. It doesn't have to mean the end of your friendship but you have to accept you are less important to her than she is to you.

This is not to say in future this will not change, but if you are the one doing all the running I would focus on other friendships. I would reply saying that the three hour round trip is a bit much cos of work / DC or some other excuse and leave positive and upbeat with the ball in her court.

I have had this happen to me before, and its a shame but friendsips wax and wane.

SixteenthEdition Wed 21-Aug-13 16:15:14

Sorry that should say get on so well - silly phone!

The thing is, once she has her child she will have even less time to "slot you in". That's just the way it goes. Things can't stay the same. Will you be even more annoyed when that happens? You'll either have to accept that circumstances have changed and you live too far apart/have new family members to give priority to to see each other as regularly as before, or decide that you don't want to bother with irregular meet-ups.

If you both still enjoy seeing each other when you DO meet up then I would try to keep it going, however intermittent your meetings are. If it becomes clear that you don't have much in common any more then it might not be worth it.

Rummikub Wed 21-Aug-13 16:16:49

The nature of your friendship has changed. You will be able to keep the friendship if you adapt with changes. I have friends who ebb to and fro into my life, but I know that if I needed them they would be there. Sometimes we're very close other times priorities change, but they are life long friends.

SixteenthEdition Wed 21-Aug-13 16:17:29

Yes I am trying to stay positive and focus on other friends, trouble is I don't make friends easily and am the kind of person who has a small number of close friends, so this is all upsetting.

Bexicles Wed 21-Aug-13 16:21:58

I think sometimes life can in the way of friendships. Next week I am going out for lunch with a friend I have known for over 13 years, I haven'nt seen her for over a year despite her attempts to arrange meet ups (we live about 8 miles apart) I have always genuinely been too busy or too tired. I think the world of her and am grateful she understands.

I don't think you have lost her, true friendships can be picked up again at anytime. I'd just be patient and let her know you still care.

yellowballoons Wed 21-Aug-13 16:23:03

I dont think I would be upset. It isnt as if she has dumped her, ir even that you want to dump her.
It is sort of one of life's lessons really, that I thinks happens to most of us. That even with good friends, circumstances change and there fore priorities change.

I do wonder though what she is doing all her weekends for the next two months.

Rummikub Wed 21-Aug-13 16:23:53

It is upsetting, but it's not a reflection on you as a friend. It's just a different phase in your life and hers. Chat on the phone, email, text, whatever to keep the connection. A friend of mine was a bit annoyed when i had kids and less time to meet up socially. She totally got it when she had her 1st baby and now it's the other way around! I have less than a handful of friends too, even more reason to just keep her friendship but on a different level.

yellowballoons Wed 21-Aug-13 16:23:59

that should say you instead of her

pictish Wed 21-Aug-13 16:27:43

No...but it's probably time you understood that the friendship has evolved, and you are now old-meet-up-now-and-then friends.
The good news is that frindships that go this way tend to be solid in that that you can pick up exactly where you left off.

If she's an hour and a half away, it's a toil.

SixteenthEdition Wed 21-Aug-13 16:30:10

Thanks all. She doesn't have specific plans for every weekend until Feb, she's just not willing to give up any weekend time to see me. She was quite honest about that fact. It is like I am a D List friend - ie I can have a Wednesday night slot in her diary, but only A List friends get weekend slots. That's how I feel. Maybe I am being ridiculous.

tumbletumble Wed 21-Aug-13 16:32:11

How about a compromise? You don't push for a weekend slot, you agree to meet mid-week as that is what suits her, but you suggest a meeting place halfway between your houses so you both have to drive for 45 mins each way?

It sounds like this friendship is worth keeping going, but I agree a 3 hour trip on a weekday evening is a bit much.

DorasMummy Wed 21-Aug-13 16:32:40

She's only just out of the third trimester so she may be feeling ill/knackered/overwhelmed and perhaps just isn't making any weekend plans for the next couple of months. I know in both pregnancies I have been exhausted until about 20 weeks and the idea of committing to whole days seeing people was a bit much until I got my energy back.

I completely understand why you are hurt - I would be. As others have said when baby arrives you may not hear from her much for quite a while, so prepare yourself for that.

I'd give her a call to chat and see how she's doing, and perhaps make a plan for a weekend a bit further off. If she's not feeling well you might make the exception and do the round trip, although I probably wouldn't do that on a school night for anyone hmm

tumbletumble Wed 21-Aug-13 16:34:01

Weekends are generally family time though - I don't think that implies you are a D list friend. Maybe her DH doesn't get on that well with your DH or something?

TenToWine Wed 21-Aug-13 16:36:04

I would just say in an upbeat way that week days dont work unless she can come to you but to let you know if shes does find some free time at a weekend, and leave in her court for now. I have friends who have moved away and we see each other only once a year or so, with some emails in between, and still feel like they are friends, just friends I do not see that often.

MooncupGoddess Wed 21-Aug-13 16:39:15

I can see why you feel hurt, but it would be a shame to let the friendship go entirely. Could you arrange a long chat on the phone to catch up?

impatienttobemummy Wed 21-Aug-13 20:24:36

I have a friend who has told me she feels the way you do, but when you are pregnant and tired you do feel overwhelmed and I hate making plans miles in advance. She on the other hand is unwilling to talk on the phone or join any form of social media to keep in touch it all HAS to be face to face! So I agree with other posters things change friendships need to evolve, right now time is tight... In the future she may have more energy and time to meet up. Go with the flow a bit more try not to take it so personally as I doubt it is

Helltotheno Wed 21-Aug-13 21:39:55

I think you're not unreasonable to be hurt by that OP. I can't think of a single friend I know who would tell me they couldn't find a single weekend day in a whole five months to make time for me. Suggesting you travel for three hours on a weekday is little short of an insult ime.

I suggest you text her politely along the lines of 'so sorry I can't come on a weekday, it's too long a journey what with work next day (or whatever). Best of luck with everything in February, I'll be thinking of you x'.

They way, the door is still open but the sub text is 'if you CBA, neither can I'.

It's hard but while not totally losing hope, don't allow shabby treatment either...

Twentythirdinline Thu 22-Aug-13 10:25:59

I think Helltotheno has it spot on

JessicaBeatriceFletcher Thu 22-Aug-13 15:00:16

I'm with hell. Sorry, but if someone or something is important or valued, you make the time. I'm generally a very busy person and sometimes it might be a month or two between catching up with a friend, but I would never let it go longer than that, even if it meant just grabbing an hour over lunch.

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