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Should I tell the other woman's husband.

(237 Posts)
fudgelover Wed 21-Aug-13 15:14:07

My husband has been having an affair for at least the last four years. I found out last year. He left when I confronted him. Part of me feels that this man should know what is happening, but another part just wants to make this other woman suffer for what she has done. Would I just cause myself more problems by doing this.

Cluffyflump Fri 23-Aug-13 01:23:28

I would find it hard not to tell.
Not because I'm spiteful or want revenge, but because I can't (won't) stand idlley by and let somone be treated like shit when I could do something about it.

The ows Dh is innocent (in this. I have no idea of how good he is generally!) and whilst he probably won't feel like jumping for joy when given the bad news....
It could be in his benifit to know what a duplicitous person his DW is.
She could be planning to screw him over in a divorce -she has form for cold hearted deceipt.

Fudge I wish you well, whatever you decide to do. I know it's massively shit brew cake or even wine

GoshAnneGorilla Fri 23-Aug-13 02:25:02

Oh the language used to keep a women meek and in her place. Undignified, bunny boiler, a spectacle, a bit Jeremy Kyle.

Yes, we should just swallow down any crap thrown at us, because that's what nice people do.

If you have an affair, no one who discovers that affair is under any obligation to keep your sordid behaviour a secret, it really is that simple. Also, if you don't want your partner/spouse to find out you're cheating, don't cheat in the first place. Again, very simple.

Leavenheath Fri 23-Aug-13 02:32:45

Well the 'grow up dear' from missBoPeep induced howls of probably unintended laughter in these parts, but even though the OP hasn't come back, I just wanted to clear up a few evident misinterpretations and atrocious paraphrasing as a result of my previous post on this thread.

What I actually said was this:

In my fairly long experience of Mumsnet and loads of threads posing this question, the people who repeatedly post 'don't tell' and what's more, show a complete lack of empathy for the OP's pain, are the ones who wouldn't have taken too kindly to someone grassing them up to their own husbands about their own affairs.

I've emboldened the salient extra bit that seems to have been overlooked.

Quite a few posters consistently say 'don't tell' on these threads. Most say their piece once and have done with it. Fair enough. Posters who say 'tell' are usually quite open and honest about why they hold those views and will talk about why they can identify so readily with the person who's being kept in the dark. It's no great secret why they feel so strongly about this issue.

Even posters who say 'don't tell' will often show some empathy and sensitivity towards the OP, or at the very minimum wouldn't dream of hurting her personally with their words.

Then there are the ones who clock up umpteen posts on the same thread, all with the same 'don't tell' message, but each post gets nastier and less empathetic towards the OP who given the situation, has had a traumatic time of it and posted for constructive advice. Those posters rarely say why they feel so strongly about a 'don't tell' message, or why they feel the need to be so vitriolic towards the OP or to rub salt in her wounds.

Those are the posters on these threads who raise suspicions.

Not the ones who say 'don't tell' but show a bit of empathy and sensitivity towards the OP.

Not the ones who give a reason for their strong views one way or another.

Not the ones who say don't tell and then (especially when the OP is not engaging anymore) leave the thread alone.

In my single other post, I made it clear that personally, I've got no strong views either way. There are pros and cons for both approaches, but I'd be more concerned about the way a message like this was communicated and whether the OP can live with the outcome of the different decisions she might make regarding this conundrum.

Hopefully the OP just had better things to do in the past 24 hours than post again, but I hope it's not because she was upset by some outrageously insensitive remarks made to a woman who is clearly in pain.

Monty27 Fri 23-Aug-13 02:44:06

I hope she has.

OP I hope you're ok. flowers

MrRected Fri 23-Aug-13 03:19:29

Op - of course you should tell him. He is being humiliated, lied to and betrayed. He has a right to know.

Mixxy Fri 23-Aug-13 03:28:21

I hope your motivation IS pure spite. It's a valid reason.
I would tell him in a no- nonsense, detached manner. Who cares if he hates you and he shoots the messenger? You have no relationship with him.

I would tell him and when your ex rings you about it I would laugh like a mad woman down the phone and hang up. Because, fuck them. Honestly.

Contrarian78 Fri 23-Aug-13 07:34:12

I know 'officially' you aren't meant to say anything, but leaving your own hubby aside, I don't think it'd be unreasonable (his health is at risk and I'd want to know if it were me). If that's the reason for doing it (rather than revenge on the other woman) then you should - in good consciousness - proceed.

Do so anonymously (and without giving too much detail - if you can).

ThistleVille Fri 23-Aug-13 08:23:11

My OH's affair was disclosed to me via an anon. phone call out of the blue. A bit brutal to say the least, and I still don't know who made the call - but I am grateful they did.

Mixxy Fri 23-Aug-13 08:27:11

Oh dear god. Shut down the thread. It's a sad winner ThisisVille . Latering Jaysus.

Mixxy Fri 23-Aug-13 08:29:51

Who told you? Do you have any idea? Did you care what their motivations were or did you just want to know? Did your DH seem blinsided?

Sorry it happened to you but I'd love to know more.

Wellwobbly Fri 23-Aug-13 09:18:53

*The OP should not tell, it has absolutely, completely, fuck all to do with her, all you are doing is hoping to cause misery to an innocent person.

FFS, the other husband might be completely and entirely happy with his life, until some spiteful woman decides to fuck it up - for no reason other than personal gain.*

Croll - you are either a man who wants to justify his own side-dish fuck, or you have never lived in a 'marriage' where there is an on-going affair.

Completely and entirely happy? What are you smoking, seriously, to be THAT deluded?
Affairs are, by definition, a TURNING AWAY from the spouse and INVESTING emotionally, physically, time and money into another person. Listen to any OW: you have no idea how special it is. We talk. He tells me things .... etc. All stolen from the spouse.

Affairs drain a marriage hugely. A spouse is living with someone who is in love/preoccupied with someone else, whilst silently comparing them to that person - and they aren't very nice with it. Remote if not downright gone.

Only a deeply compartmentalised person (something very wrong with them psychologically) could carry this off, most can't. So most spouses KNOW something is wrong. The only person who can carry this stuff off, is a psychopath. And who would want to be married to one of those???

Seriously Croll, are you a man to talk that level of denial?

Fairenuff Fri 23-Aug-13 10:54:32

I wouldn't do it anonymously because the man might want to know more at a later date so it would be helpful if he could come back and clarify a few things. Also, I suppose she could just deny it and he would have no more information to go on.

So I would tell, with the minimum of detail to start, just to let him know. But let him come back to ask for more if he wants to know.

Gehj Fri 23-Aug-13 11:09:06

WellWobbly I appreciate that when posters reply to a thread, they may draw on their own experiences in order to support their reasoning but please...... if I read ONE more post from you re: Affairs, Chump Lady, an Affair is defined as .......blah blah blah I will scream!!!!!

I notice you rarely reply to any posts other than threads with an OW or the word Affair in the title hmm

You are quick to label all who've ever had affairs as seriously lacking in human emotion or psychologically disturbed or whatever psycho analysing babble you care to mention. I'm aware you are not a qualified therapist, doctor or counsellor of many years standing without wishing to be personal.

Please, stop the rants against all human race who've partaken in an affair. We get it. It's wrong, its thoughtless, its a huge betrayal against their families but please, stop posting about YOU YOU YOU!.

This thread is about the OP requiring some thoughts on whether she should or shouldn't tell the OW DH. It is not about having a rant on the betraying partner!

Fairenuff Fri 23-Aug-13 12:06:50

Gehj do you feel better for that rant grin

Gehj Fri 23-Aug-13 12:19:21

Fairenuff Indeed I do grin.

ElBombero Fri 23-Aug-13 12:27:45

I would, your world has been turned upside down why should she get the easy ride. Fuck em

Wellwobbly Fri 23-Aug-13 12:52:38

Well, what should I talk about? My lecture notes? The nice early walk I had with friends today? My increasing my scuba diving hours? The horses I am looking at? My tennis match? A fantastic new game called Zimonopoly I found using Robert Mugabe's genuine printed Zimbabwe dollars (Bank of Zimbabwe $10 billion), and hilarious fines like 'you were stopped for speeding and have been caught trying to bribe a policeman'? How to knit a tea cosy? The conference I am going to in a few week's time?

All of that stuff is LIFE. It happens, and it is great.
None of it blew up my whole world affecting everything from my sense of myself as a worthwhile human being to my fuggin' DOMICILE [anger] goddammit.

Sadly, I know more about affairs and what causes them and the damage they cause than I ever, ever wanted to know. When they happen to other posters who exhibit the same shock and devastation I felt, and I know what that feels like, ergo I 'talk' to them. If you don't want to read it, Fair Enough.
I don't know anything about being hit, interfering MIL's, lazy partners, etc etc. Therefore, I don't respond to them. That seems logical to me.

It pisses me off when people minimise them and the trauma and implies they are no big deal like you, and Croll did up there.

Wellwobbly Fri 23-Aug-13 12:53:15

Well, what should I talk about? My lecture notes? The nice early walk I had with friends today? My increasing my scuba diving hours? The horses I am looking at? My tennis match? A fantastic new game called Zimonopoly I found using Robert Mugabe's genuine printed Zimbabwe dollars (Bank of Zimbabwe $10 billion), and hilarious fines like 'you were stopped for speeding and have been caught trying to bribe a policeman'? How to knit a tea cosy? The conference I am going to in a few week's time?

All of that stuff is LIFE. It happens, and it is great.
None of it blew up my whole world affecting everything from my sense of myself as a worthwhile human being to my fuggin' DOMICILE angry goddammit.

Sadly, I know more about affairs and what causes them and the damage they cause than I ever, ever wanted to know. When they happen to other posters who exhibit the same shock and devastation I felt, and I know what that feels like, ergo I 'talk' to them. If you don't want to read it, Fair Enough.
I don't know anything about being hit, interfering MIL's, lazy partners, etc etc. Therefore, I don't respond to them. That seems logical to me.

It pisses me off when people minimise them and the trauma and implies they are no big deal like you, and Croll did up there.

Gehj Fri 23-Aug-13 13:13:05

Aah, but that's just it!

You don't talk to people Wellwobbly, you merely spout quote after quote, lines, passages, quoting authors names (I'm beginning to think you receive royalties for everyone mentioned). I understand the odd self help book recommended to someone may be helpful, but your list is endless. In your own admission, you have many of these books by your bedside table!

You describe people who've had affairs as 'psychos' and such like?
Really? shock. I'm not condoning affairs but surely you're letting your own personal experience cloud your thoughts and thus, I don't think you are best placed to pass on your personal experiences to others as 'supportive' posts.

It is my belief you are not supporting others but using their threads as a way of releasing your own personal hell (your posts supports this).

Perhaps a thread of your own could be raised as you are clearly suffering and dealing with your own issues!

Wellwobbly Fri 23-Aug-13 13:30:12

Sorry Gehj, back at university. We are not allowed to make comments without supporting documentation... smile

Do not take what I said out of context. Remember Croll said: 1. being in a triangle [OW, MM, betrayed] had nothing to do with another triangle [same OW, same MM, betrayed]. Yeah, right. 2. [The person being unknowingly fucked over] was probably blissfully happy.

You have to be fucking around to believe that garbage.

I said: this is simply not possible (giving examples) EXCEPT in the small number of cases when the person is so character disordered they had to be some sort of psychopath.

You might not like the facts any more than Croll over there, but there they are. That is not
Chumplady tells it like it is. That people who have the capacity to deceive and receive 'feelgood' for an extended period of time whilst keeping for themselves the benefits of monogamy by deceiving other people are flaming narcissists, shallow, and not worth being in a relationship with.

As I have spent 4 years finding out for myself that the person I adored is in fact a deeply selfish and emotionally unconnected person, and what those implications mean for me. Yes, affairs are a personal hell. They really, really are Gehj.

If you met me in RL you would be talking to a capable, friendly and likeable, rational person. I come here SO I don't mess up my RL. I come here SO I can talk 'privately' with other people who know what it feels like.

missbopeep Fri 23-Aug-13 13:40:24

well- you make a mistake of thinking that your personal feelings are universal truths and written in stone. They aren't. They are your personal response to your own marital breakdown.

Whilst you are still so full of anger over your own betrayal it may appear to you that you are well placed to advise others, but ask yourself how a counsellor would work...

would they tell someone who confessed to an affair that they were a 'psycho' ( you say that most must be.) It's unlikely.

You are not the only poster here who is studying for or actually has a degree(s) so don't try to 'pull rank' based on your being an academic of some kind.

And before you or anyone accuses me or asks if I have had an affair- which it too cheap a comment to actually bother to reply to in any serious way- you need to learn that people can have different opinions based on a lifetime of observation, conversations with friends and family, professional training, and all kinds of experience which give them as much right to comment as someone with one single personal experience, unique to them.

Fairenuff Fri 23-Aug-13 13:45:30

Too late bopeep someone already asked you that. And your 'no comment' speaks volumes.

Personal experiences are bound to shape opinion, that's life, so it's a bit silly to try and tell people not share these opinions. Especially when the OP is actually asking for these views.

I wonder if anyone reading this is thinking 'shit, is she talking about me, I hope she doesn't tell' and posts accordingly.

saferniche Fri 23-Aug-13 13:55:48

Didn't Wellwobbly say: 'when the person is so character disordered they had to be some sort of psychopath.' in other words - not usually?

CogDat Fri 23-Aug-13 14:09:10

Hmm. If it was over a year ago I definitely wouldn't tell. As it's still ongoing, I might tell. I don't know though, whether it'd be safer, emotionally, to just draw a line and stay out of it as much as possible.

Bogeyface Fri 23-Aug-13 14:11:45

I didnt read it that she said that anyone who has an affair is a psycho, at all! Try reading what Wellwobbly actually wrote, instead of the words you are projecting onto her posts in order to justify your own opinions.

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