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Should I tell the other woman's husband.

(237 Posts)
fudgelover Wed 21-Aug-13 15:14:07

My husband has been having an affair for at least the last four years. I found out last year. He left when I confronted him. Part of me feels that this man should know what is happening, but another part just wants to make this other woman suffer for what she has done. Would I just cause myself more problems by doing this.

JassyAlconleigh Wed 21-Aug-13 22:00:31

another part just wants to make this other woman suffer for what she has done.

I think that's the crux; understandable but not helpful to either party.

You should be looking forward, not for spiteful revenge.

How do you know he doesn't know? Sorry if I missed that he did/didn't.

I know someone who did this and the husband knew. He had his own private reasons for remaining in the marriage and trying to make it work. The person who told him just looked like an unhinged bitch and opened all manner of old wounds. It did her no good at all and she made a real spectacle of herself.

I'm sure you could find more healthy bad constructive ways to move your life forward.

I hope you find some peace soon.

Bogeyface Wed 21-Aug-13 22:05:23

On another thread an MNer was told that she should definitely tell her friend about her husbands cheating because she deserved to know. Why is this man (who is presumably still with the OW) less deserving of the truth?

He has been made a fool of, and may still be, the OP knows and he doesnt. Of course she should tell him, anything else would be morally wrong.

Bogeyface Wed 21-Aug-13 22:06:59

It did her no good at all and she made a real spectacle of herself.

How did she do it? If she goes steaming in with "Your fucking whore wife has been fucking my husband......" and so on then yes, she will look ridiculous. But a well thought out letter or email to this man explaining simply what the OP knows and leaving it with him is a different matter.

ProphetOfDoom Wed 21-Aug-13 22:09:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Viviennemary Wed 21-Aug-13 22:12:10

The best time to have told him was when you first found out about the affair. I think if you want to tell him you should. But it's very possible he knows about it already but chooses to do nothing. A surprising number of people seem to do this.

forumdonkey Wed 21-Aug-13 22:12:37

IMO if you think the other man doesn't have a right to know then the OP didn't have a right to know either. Of course she had a right to know so in the same vain so does OW's H

JassyAlconleigh Wed 21-Aug-13 22:15:35

Without too much detail, she met him in a public place, and told him. He said he knew and so what, his marriage was none of her business. She got very upset, mainly because it wasn't the answer she expected and I think the thought of the OW still having her husband's love and respect was too much. She was very hysterical and he just left whole she called a mutual friend to get her as she couldn't drive. It was such a mistake and really put her back by months.

I think seeing him/knowing he was relatively unfazed was the killer.

I really wouldn't recommend it.

fudgelover Wed 21-Aug-13 22:20:45

Thank you for all the advice. I admit revenge is my main motive. If I could reveal all and get no comeback for me and all the children involved i definitely would. This is what has held me back so far. Especially my children finding out the real reason why their dad has left. I do feel some regrets for HER husband but feel that I would open up so much heartache if I did reveal all. She just seems to have got away with it. The affair is still going on and she still has her family, home and husband.

Bogeyface Wed 21-Aug-13 22:24:18

* The affair is still going on and she still has her family, home and husband.*

So he definitely doesnt know then? That is the reason to tell him if nothing else. If he had known and chosen to go on with the marriage then telling him would achieve nothing but that poor man is being crapped all over. You must tell him, you absolutely must.

Bogeyface Wed 21-Aug-13 22:24:41

Incidentally, dodgy reasons for wanting to do it (ie revenge) doesnt mean it is the wrong thing to do.

JassyAlconleigh Wed 21-Aug-13 22:30:43

She just seems to have got away with it. The affair is still going on and she still has her family, home and husband.

She hasn't really got away with anything though. She's living a total lie in a world built on insecurity and delusion.

You, on the other hand, have a lot of pain. A lot. But it is finite and will fade and change with time.

You also have a life with nobody lying in it. No confusion or illusions. You have truth and integrity and she will not know a peaceful night's sleep, however it looks from your perspective.

Neither she nor your ex are worth another second of your time. Try and find a way to concentrate on finding out more about what makes you tick, what you love and what your next adventure will be.

Fuck the bastards.

Fill YOUR life with lovely things. flowers Not poison.

Fairenuff Wed 21-Aug-13 22:32:52

Tell him. But do it sensitively.

I would say, just in case you're not aware, your wife is cheating on you. I have been in that situation and would want someone to tell me, so I'm just letting you know. If you want to know any more just contact me. If not, that's fine, I'll leave it. It's up to you.

That sort of thing. He will probably want to know more once it sinks in and he will want to think about what he wants to do about it.

You could always point him in the direction of mn

< helpful >

Bombjack Wed 21-Aug-13 22:53:43

You should definitely tell her husband. Affairs thrive on lies and secrecy. Don't keep someone else's sordid secret for them. Someone who you owe nothing, and has done you great harm.

A letter is probably best. Sensitively worded, and in a typed envelope (so no female writing on the front). It's not being a "bunny boiler", it's just making sure the other interested party knows what's happening.

What he does with the information is up to him, but your conscience would be clear. And, wanting revenge is perfectly natural under these circumstances too. It just means you're human, and hurting!

ProphetOfDoom Wed 21-Aug-13 22:54:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

missbopeep Wed 21-Aug-13 22:57:18

The only person you ought to be trying to influence if you really care about the OW husband and his emotional well being is your ex. He's the devil- he went after her, left you and is still in it.

But the fact is you don't care- you just want to vent your bitterness. you think that by taking revenge you will feel better for making another man feel rotten - or , maybe as we've all said, he knows and is happy to turn a blind eye. Then you'd look a fool. Maybe he and his wife have an 'arrangement'- you wouldn't know would you?

Maybe if you do spill the beans the outcome will not be what you want? Maybe the H will leave and your H move in? Maybe the OW would leave her H and run off into the sunset with your H?

Maybe the H would never believe you anyway , she'd deny it and they'd both think you were a deranged loon.

I don't think you have really thought beyond your emotions to try to hurt her - and how it may end up even worse for you.

Fairenuff Wed 21-Aug-13 23:15:42

I don't think it matters whether he believes her or not though bopeep. At least she will have done the decent thing and told the man. If he wants to stay with his cheating wife, that's up to him but he should at least have the right to make an informed choice.

meditrina Wed 21-Aug-13 23:32:17

If the children are hurt, it's not because ethe affair was discovered, it'dps because the affair happened. There is no reason for someone else to be more solicitous of their well-being than their mother is.

Affairs thrive in secrecy. Does this man deserve to be duped? Or should he be treated as an adult, to know information relevan to his life, and then to deal with it as he sees fit?

Lioninthesun Wed 21-Aug-13 23:37:46

I'd tell and have done before. Be aware that he may not believe you though.

Darkesteyes Thu 22-Aug-13 00:10:18

Tell him because the poor sod is probably flogging his dead horse of a marriage with no idea there is no point. He is wasting his life stuck for years with someone who is involved elsewhere. He is being deprived of an honest and open life/relationship by not being told.

I suppose this is possible Supertrooper but it could also be possible that her DH has denied her any affection or sex for a long time Believe me it does happen or rather it doesnt!!!!!

CookieB Thu 22-Aug-13 00:28:49

Why is the moral high ground not telling? "The bitterness, the children, your dignity"!? I wouldn't be able to sleep at night with this poor man thinking he is in a faithful marriage. Plus I'd quite happily wreck her fucking life!

thismousebites Thu 22-Aug-13 00:38:51

Tell him. Wish someone had had the decency to tell me. I ended up feeling a right mug as it felt like I was the last to know.

Sparklysilversequins Thu 22-Aug-13 00:54:37

I would.

CookieDoughKid Thu 22-Aug-13 01:06:11

I would tell him and ( also tell OW i grassed her up) without any hesitation but then I'm very mouthy like that. Make sure you present your evidence if you do. Your marriage is in ruins already and you have nothing more to lose and you would, if anything have been very charitable saving the husband's dignity and self respect. Lol.

CookieDoughKid Thu 22-Aug-13 01:08:52

But seriously, whatever you decide to do or don't, please don't blame yourself. Be kind to yourself. However being nice just doesnt get you anywhere. Time to toughen up so you and dcs get what's due before you get screwed over once again.... (Divorce for example)

Monty27 Thu 22-Aug-13 01:18:07

He deserves to know, would you like it? Well I wouldn't want to live in ignorant bliss that's for sure. She deserves being uncovered. Because she is a husband stealer and a liar and doesn't deserve any respect whatsoever.

Aw harsh I know, but I've been hurt.

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