I am an old poster here but aware that postings can come back to haunt you so I've changed my name forms one - it's likely to be long I think
It's about my mother - I don't know what I am asking for - maybe just an ear or a shoulder or a kind word or to know that I am not mad or maybe some advice about my daughter
A long story short is that my mother is a narcissistic alcoholic - sounds horrible to write it down - but she always had been and it is only getting worse. I could write pages of examples (she hides the bottles in the bottle of the neighbors bin so dad can't see how much she drinks every night, she made up a terminal illness for sympathy, had to have counseling when I was divorced so she could face the shame in front if her friends, cried at my wedding in front of everyone and had a hissy fit because she didn't have enough of her friends there, had to have a bath when I was sexually assaulted as a teenager because "she" felt dirty, didn't feed me and would not let me take food from the kitchen for four days when I was thirteen because I was too fat, etc etc etc)
I can handle it - I came to terms in my thirties - and manage the behavior with no pain now - just sadness and perhaps grief at the loss of a mother relationship that I never had - i was so envious of my friends' mothers and it took me a long time to understand why - but it was because they got to be the child and I always had to be the parent
In any case I now have a beautiful 7 year old daughter - I am painfully aware of my childhood and trying to be the mother to her that I never ever had - all good so far
Where this is falling down now is my daughters relationship (for want of better word) with my mother (her grandmother) - my mother is very demanding of her and manipulative and now that my daughter is getting older she is more aware and finds it hard to cope with
My dd said to me yesterday "I'm sorry but I just don't like her - she (grandmother) makes everything about her and she always has to be the centre of attention and I just feel like screaming". This made me so sad because my daughter is exactly right. I have no idea how to deal with this because I dealt with it my subjugating my needs and probably enabling my mother to keep the peace and I don't want my daughter to do that.
Many years ago I tried talking to my dear old dad about it but he wants to keep his head in the sand. I tried talking to my mother but that didn't go well and I was punished for well over six months (would not talk to me, sent cruel emails, pretended to get sick, made up illness, etc) and dad blamed me for being "rude" to her. So addressing the problem with my mum (she is elderly now - I am mid forties ) won't work and will only prevent any decent relationship with my dad from continuing.
So I guess my question is - how do I help my daughter deal with my mother without my daughter being damaged along the way as I was and am?
Sorry for length - thx for reading
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Relationships
my mother
EndOfRope · 21/08/2013 08:41
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