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I never want sex anymore

(34 Posts)
Nottonightdarling Wed 21-Aug-13 07:14:58

Not sure if this is the right section but here goes (regular poster NC etc)

DD was born almost two years ago and my libido has never recovered. She is DC2, no problems after DC1. Initially I put it down to newborn stuff, recent birth then breastfeeding. Stopped BF a year ago and it hasn't returned. I'd always been fairly highly sexual, up for experimenting, massive urges etc but honestly, if I never have to have sex again ill be happy sad

DH remains with a high sex drive, we DTD several times a week because I feel so guilty. I'm not attracted to anyone else so it's not that I just don't want sex with him. It's fine once we get ping but I spend most of the time willing it to be done with quickly, even if I reach climax (which now happens 1/8x when it used to be almost 100%). I just can't be bothered and even go so far as to say the idea just turns me off, so I don't think it's just tiredness either.

I'm not convinced I'm as in love with DH as I once was, we rub along fine, I do often feel stifled by him though. I don't want to LTB, but often with we could just have a platonic marriage.

It's bad, isn't it? What can I do?!

JohFlow Wed 28-Aug-13 17:11:41

Some men use sex to fix things; some women see sex as something to celebrate when things are going well. Two different perspectives.

I felt the same after my last birth as you OP. We had to really work on non-sex intimacies first. Things gradually came back when full sex was off the cards.

Don't feel rushed; it can be exciting to concentrate on other activities for a while.

CoffeeandScones Wed 28-Aug-13 07:21:45

Great news smile

Nottonightdarling Wed 28-Aug-13 06:45:01

Hi all, thought I ought to feedback in recognition of sound advice I received.

Night away was great, once our afternoon of initial awkwardness evaporated. Great sex twice, talked about all sorts including our sex life and he's totally on board for scheduling in sex hopefully will relieve pressure and guilt on all sides. Good to feel like communication is open and it was such a relief to actually want sex and have feelings of desire again that have been long dormant.

Thanks again

Llareggub Thu 22-Aug-13 18:18:59

I was like you. I had zero interest in sex and had 2 young DCs. Fast forward 2 years and LTB (alcoholic) and everything is back to normal with regard to my interest in sex.

Perhaps it is because my DCs are older now, perhaps it is because my depression has been treated or maybe it was because I am now with someone else? Who knows. But I hope it all gets better for you.

slipperySlip000 Thu 22-Aug-13 18:12:24

Nottonight it sounds like last night was fraught and being at different states of inebriation made is all the more awkward. From your OP:

I do often feel stifled by him though

....this is the bit that stands out to me. Hope you can get things on a more even keel <not easy> I am interested in the 'stifled' aspect. Female sexuality is a very subtle thing and there are sometimes things our conscious minds can ignore, that our Fanjos can't....... stifled in what way OP?

Nottonightdarling Thu 22-Aug-13 15:32:35

Ugh wonderful

Out with friends last night, I was driving so not drinking, DH had had a few beers and got a bee in his bonnet about something, then ensued the drive home where he was either really pissy or jokey and nice, blatantly because he wanted sex but in his inebriated state kept forgetting to be on good behavior to get it.

We get home and he's all puppy eyed in his pants (groan)...I ask that we just cuddle naked instead, he seems fine with this an obviously trying to not feel rejected, so I think great we're compromising. I come back from the bathroom and get under the covers (having just had a conversation about how chilly it is), he totally gets the hump saying I don't even bother making an effort, he may as well sleep in the spare room, I ask him to join me under the covers, then just turn over as he's just sat there looking at me, I can't be bothered with the drunk drama.

He flounces and spends the night I the sofa.

He's probably goin to have a head like a bear this morning - I know he probably felt rejected, I'm trying to not just go along with it every time and find ways to be intimate without having to make myself have sex, and I know when one person is drunk and one is sober misunderstandings take place but honestly I just can't be arsed

Great weekend away coming up eh?


BoozyBear Wed 21-Aug-13 17:53:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nottonightdarling Wed 21-Aug-13 14:35:01

Ok, I think I'll visit the doctor, need to find a new one anyway (interesting about hormone levels SirRaymond, could be worth asking about although I'd prefer to not be given a magic poll that DH might feel will solve all problems when I think there might be deeper emotional issues we need to get through)

And I'll use Sunday to get the conversation started again - maybe discuss having sex one night a week, even if we decide which night this is so I can get myself in the mood and neither of us are going into it ready for either rejection or frustration, but make an effort to be more physically intimate without the pressure of sex on other nights?

I'm going away for a month in 3 weeks so if we can commit to this for the next 3 weeks then see where we are when I come back, and look into couples counseling if it seems like the next useful step

Thanks everyone, you've really helped stopped me panicking and thinking maybe my marriage is over. DH I'm sure will be onside, if not, well then the issues are not what I thought they were....

SirRaymondClench Wed 21-Aug-13 09:55:01

Can I ask have you had your hormone levels checked by your Dr?
I know there are so many factors after a baby that affect libido - weightgain, tiredness, not liking your new body, PND - I know because I have been there.. But pregnancy can change our whole system too,
It might be that your hormone levels aren;t right and that can be helped.
I had a hysterectomy and am now on testosterone gel for my libido because the treatment I was having wiped out my libido. It isn't licensed for women so wasn't easy to get my GP to give it but after 3 months it is starting to kick in.
The medical profession have developed a female viagra by the way - but it won't be available for 3 bloody years!!!
It makes me mad that so many of us women suffer like this and I know nothing is more of a turn off than pressure but I wanted to let you know there is light at the end of the tunnel.

tumbletumble Wed 21-Aug-13 09:34:39

Of course it is very very common to have sex less frequently when you have small children, due to both tiredness and less opportunity, but it sounds to me that what the OP is describing is a bit more than that.

For example, in my case, we DTD much less frequently and sometimes I have to make a bit of an effort to get myself in the mood, but when we get started I always enjoy it and wish we did it more.

OP, you mention that you'd prefer once a week to several times a week. I think that would be a reasonable compromise, BUT only if you are really genuinely into it on that one occasion - maybe not every single time, but usually. I'm guessing that your DH (who sounds like a nice guy) would prefer that too. It isn't really fair to him to expect him to be happy with the current situation of you never wanting to do it or enjoying it - that is soul destroying for him. Maybe a trip to the GP would help - not to be handed a magic pill, but to find out what the next steps could be and to demonstrate to your DH that you are committed to trying to sort this out.

I hope your night away goes well and you have a chance to discuss the issue openly and calmly.

namechangealso Wed 21-Aug-13 09:03:29

Nottonight... yes do do do keep the communication going. It's when it becomes the elephant in the room and The Subject That Can't Be Mentioned that really is a problem. You ask how long... I am OLD now... so we are talking decades. It all started when my DCs were little. I was the one who wanted sex. I wanted to be not just a mother but a wife too. In fact, I was desperate to be desired in some way.

Excuse... I totally agree that it all changes with small children but that shouldn't mean total withdrawal for the reasons above. As much as I wanted to feel like a wife who was wanted physically, so will the OH's want their validation too.

MissOtis... awww your OH. He is trying so hard. I am not saying that as a criticism. I just remember how hard I tried too, that's all.

orangeandemons Wed 21-Aug-13 08:52:10

I agree with Excuse, I do feel that it will return when we have more time to devote to us

Nottonightdarling Wed 21-Aug-13 08:49:34

He doesn't want 3hpur sessions (well, he probably does tbh but never says that and we're lucky if its longer than 5-10mins), but I do think he thinks its solely my problem...

Nottonightdarling Wed 21-Aug-13 08:48:02

I feel the same about my DH's advances...he's trying to get me in the mood because he wants us o have a sexual relationship, not to just get his end away, but anything he does repells me

ExcuseTypos Wed 21-Aug-13 08:47:08

I agree with oranges, it is very common to lose interset when you have small children. Yes it must be hard for the other half if you used to have a high sex drive, but I'm afraid the vast majority of parents with young dc have less sex than they did before the children. It's a fact of life and I'm afraid people have to accept that. Things change all the time throughout a marriage, as dc get older and less clingy and time consuming, it can all come back.

I think you should go to some kind of counselling, as I think your H isn't listening to what you want and how you feel. It's no wonder you just want him to 'get on with it' if he wants 3 hour sessions.

MissOtisRegretsMadam Wed 21-Aug-13 08:41:32

I sometimes think I am tired from work etc as when I'm off work like I am now things are a bit better.

namechange I really feel for my dp as he is not a pushy monster trying to force me but he really tries to get me in the mood. Compliments, wanting to buy me nice underwear etc but I just find it turns me off more.
I enjoy kissing and cuddling but I dread the inevitable hand starting to wonder or the whisper in my ear as I know I will want to reject it and it will upset him.

Op I hope you enjoy your night away with your dh. I'm really looking forward to mine even though its ages away. I sometimes think I just can't switch off from "mum" mode.

Nottonightdarling Wed 21-Aug-13 08:38:54

Thanks namechange I recognise a lot of DH in your post and interestingly the stuff you say about hearing the excuses before they come! I know when he's planning to have sex and more often than not I "give in" because I don't want to hurt him but I can feel it turning into resentment.

I did bring it up with him but I'm trying to get through to him that this is probably something we need to deal with together, not that I have "a problem" that can be fixed with a trip to the GP

Maybe I just need to keep the communication going! How long has it been bad between you and your OH, if you don't mind me asking?

orangeandemons Wed 21-Aug-13 08:37:42

But if you have dc when are you supposed to do it? Dd wakes up before us, she's always around every weekend, and saps all our emotional energy. I think it's pretty normal to lose interest when dc are small.

namechangealso Wed 21-Aug-13 08:35:53

Oh and yes... you may still be affectionate and kiss and cuddle now. That will fade when the situation worsens, I'm afraid. It's hard to keep being affectionate when you have been rejected for years.

namechangealso Wed 21-Aug-13 08:33:11

Well.... I come to this subject from the other side. I know you can't help it and even by posting, you obviously want to make things better... but there is nothing worse than rejection. I know about that because my OH has rejected me like this. I feel for your OH. He will be puzzled, confused and unhappy and although you are DTD, he will just KNOW you are trying to hurry it along or you don't want to be doing it at all.

You owe it to him, to yourself and to your relationship to get some help together to overcome this. It's a kiiller for the other person, it really is. If you used to be highly sexual, some of that can be recaptured in time perhaps, but you have to try and make that happen perhaps in the form of counselling.

I tried everything to make it all better. I never mentioned it and went quiet for months, I was warm and affectionate, I tried to please him so that he would want me in the bedroom, I tried to look desirable and sexy. Nothing worked and I knew just by one sentence at 8pm about a programme he wanted to watch later... that nothing was going to happen that night. I could sense the excuses before they were barely said. I became needy for a while just like your OH, because rejection makes you like that. After a while, I just emotionally cut off from him for the sake of self preservation, and that hasn't changed. It has caused me an enormous amount of problems and I wish we had tackled it earlier on. I urge you to get some help somewhere... you sound very caring and that you want to sort this. Good luck.

Nottonightdarling Wed 21-Aug-13 08:28:15

Ugh *tidied

Nottonightdarling Wed 21-Aug-13 08:27:19

orange DH says the reason I don't want to is because we always leave it il bedtime, but by the children are in bed, house is tried, boring admin done (he often works late too) I don't have the energy for a 3 hour sex session!

Nottonightdarling Wed 21-Aug-13 08:25:50

No I don't think that would realistically work tbh.

I just don't want to have sex...we kiss and cuddle and hug a lot which I love still, but even the thought of sex turns me off completely. In my current mindset I wouldn't care if he had sex elsewhere but I know realistically it would damage us both

orangeandemons Wed 21-Aug-13 08:25:20

Oh same , zero zero interest. Still love dh, but just no interest. Think it's a lot more common than people let on. Also when are you supposed to do it when you have kids. Dd has never gone to bed early, often up till 9 ish. I go to sleep as soon as my head hits the pillow about 10.00.

CoffeeandScones Wed 21-Aug-13 08:22:57

Nottonight just to explore that a bit, would you actually be happy with coparenting and living together? Does that imply he/both of you could seek relationships elsewhere?

I know some people suggest that can work and maybe it can, but sounds like a recipe for finding emotional contact elsewhere and breaking up your relationship.

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