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I never want sex anymore

(34 Posts)
Nottonightdarling Wed 21-Aug-13 07:14:58

Not sure if this is the right section but here goes (regular poster NC etc)

DD was born almost two years ago and my libido has never recovered. She is DC2, no problems after DC1. Initially I put it down to newborn stuff, recent birth then breastfeeding. Stopped BF a year ago and it hasn't returned. I'd always been fairly highly sexual, up for experimenting, massive urges etc but honestly, if I never have to have sex again ill be happy sad

DH remains with a high sex drive, we DTD several times a week because I feel so guilty. I'm not attracted to anyone else so it's not that I just don't want sex with him. It's fine once we get ping but I spend most of the time willing it to be done with quickly, even if I reach climax (which now happens 1/8x when it used to be almost 100%). I just can't be bothered and even go so far as to say the idea just turns me off, so I don't think it's just tiredness either.

I'm not convinced I'm as in love with DH as I once was, we rub along fine, I do often feel stifled by him though. I don't want to LTB, but often with we could just have a platonic marriage.

It's bad, isn't it? What can I do?!

SirRaymondClench Wed 21-Aug-13 09:55:01

Can I ask have you had your hormone levels checked by your Dr?
I know there are so many factors after a baby that affect libido - weightgain, tiredness, not liking your new body, PND - I know because I have been there.. But pregnancy can change our whole system too,
It might be that your hormone levels aren;t right and that can be helped.
I had a hysterectomy and am now on testosterone gel for my libido because the treatment I was having wiped out my libido. It isn't licensed for women so wasn't easy to get my GP to give it but after 3 months it is starting to kick in.
The medical profession have developed a female viagra by the way - but it won't be available for 3 bloody years!!!
It makes me mad that so many of us women suffer like this and I know nothing is more of a turn off than pressure but I wanted to let you know there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Nottonightdarling Wed 21-Aug-13 14:35:01

Ok, I think I'll visit the doctor, need to find a new one anyway (interesting about hormone levels SirRaymond, could be worth asking about although I'd prefer to not be given a magic poll that DH might feel will solve all problems when I think there might be deeper emotional issues we need to get through)

And I'll use Sunday to get the conversation started again - maybe discuss having sex one night a week, even if we decide which night this is so I can get myself in the mood and neither of us are going into it ready for either rejection or frustration, but make an effort to be more physically intimate without the pressure of sex on other nights?

I'm going away for a month in 3 weeks so if we can commit to this for the next 3 weeks then see where we are when I come back, and look into couples counseling if it seems like the next useful step

Thanks everyone, you've really helped stopped me panicking and thinking maybe my marriage is over. DH I'm sure will be onside, if not, well then the issues are not what I thought they were....

BoozyBear Wed 21-Aug-13 17:53:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nottonightdarling Thu 22-Aug-13 15:32:35

Ugh wonderful

Out with friends last night, I was driving so not drinking, DH had had a few beers and got a bee in his bonnet about something, then ensued the drive home where he was either really pissy or jokey and nice, blatantly because he wanted sex but in his inebriated state kept forgetting to be on good behavior to get it.

We get home and he's all puppy eyed in his pants (groan)...I ask that we just cuddle naked instead, he seems fine with this an obviously trying to not feel rejected, so I think great we're compromising. I come back from the bathroom and get under the covers (having just had a conversation about how chilly it is), he totally gets the hump saying I don't even bother making an effort, he may as well sleep in the spare room, I ask him to join me under the covers, then just turn over as he's just sat there looking at me, I can't be bothered with the drunk drama.

He flounces and spends the night I the sofa.

He's probably goin to have a head like a bear this morning - I know he probably felt rejected, I'm trying to not just go along with it every time and find ways to be intimate without having to make myself have sex, and I know when one person is drunk and one is sober misunderstandings take place but honestly I just can't be arsed

Great weekend away coming up eh?

Sigh

slipperySlip000 Thu 22-Aug-13 18:12:24

Nottonight it sounds like last night was fraught and being at different states of inebriation made is all the more awkward. From your OP:

I do often feel stifled by him though

....this is the bit that stands out to me. Hope you can get things on a more even keel <not easy> I am interested in the 'stifled' aspect. Female sexuality is a very subtle thing and there are sometimes things our conscious minds can ignore, that our Fanjos can't....... stifled in what way OP?

Llareggub Thu 22-Aug-13 18:18:59

I was like you. I had zero interest in sex and had 2 young DCs. Fast forward 2 years and LTB (alcoholic) and everything is back to normal with regard to my interest in sex.

Perhaps it is because my DCs are older now, perhaps it is because my depression has been treated or maybe it was because I am now with someone else? Who knows. But I hope it all gets better for you.

Nottonightdarling Wed 28-Aug-13 06:45:01

Hi all, thought I ought to feedback in recognition of sound advice I received.

Night away was great, once our afternoon of initial awkwardness evaporated. Great sex twice, talked about all sorts including our sex life and he's totally on board for scheduling in sex nights....so hopefully will relieve pressure and guilt on all sides. Good to feel like communication is open and it was such a relief to actually want sex and have feelings of desire again that have been long dormant.

Thanks again

CoffeeandScones Wed 28-Aug-13 07:21:45

Great news smile

JohFlow Wed 28-Aug-13 17:11:41

Some men use sex to fix things; some women see sex as something to celebrate when things are going well. Two different perspectives.

I felt the same after my last birth as you OP. We had to really work on non-sex intimacies first. Things gradually came back when full sex was off the cards.

Don't feel rushed; it can be exciting to concentrate on other activities for a while.

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