Trying to trust him but he isn't helping

[gingerbreadshoes]

Posted before about dp's EA which I told him had to end along with all further contact. He agreed to do this and since then I have tried my best to trust him since.

I have had a couple of times since where I feel as though he is hiding something due to him being very protective of his phone.

So tonight I did a very silly thing and picked his phone up to check it. He has gone and put a password on it!!

I am well aware that I shouldn't have tried to check it but he has never had a password on it before and when I found out about the EA I wasn't checking the phone she happened to text whilst I was stood next to the phone so I read the first line without knowing what would unfold.

Obviously I can't now ask him why but as soon as he came into the room he instantly picked it up. He couldn't find it the other day before he went out and was panicking and searching for it everywhere before he would leave.

Just now it showed a message waiting on fb so for all I know they are still communicating even though they have defriended one another.

I feel so so sick and want to cry he has just come in and picked it up and taken it out of the room. I want to believe him but I am having trouble right now.

So as not to drip feed he is on AD and we tried to dtd recently and he couldn't manage to do it but blamed the ADs.

I have no one to talk to in rl and if I read this I would think ltb but I can't and I don't want to hurt out ds as he would be heartbroken

[HeySoulSister]

if he uses it innocently whilst standing near you then ask him why he has a passcode now....I agree,its suspicious

[gingerbreadshoes]

He never stands close enough or uses it next to me so I don't think I would be able to 'see' it but I shall give it a go.

[StellarLights]

Wow, ok I can't understand why you are trying to be so covert about this.

If I were you I'd go up to him and say "Why does your phone have a passcode on?"
If he says how do you know, have you been trying to get into it? etc. I'd say "Yes, and with good reason given your past transgressions. Now why does it have a passcode?"

After he's done explaining that I'd say "Ok, enter the passcode and pass me the phone because I want to check your messages, if you don't then you clearly have something to hide. I am trying to rebuild my trust in you, however I can't do that if I think that you are sending dodgy messages again."

If he has nothing to hide then he will hand you his phone, if he is reluctant, for whatever reason, then he has been sending messages again.

Call me crazy but I have no idea why you can't just be upfront with him, it's his fault that you don't trust him so therefore it's his responsibility to pick up the pieces and make this whole process as easy for you as possible.

Why are you reluctant to outright ask him to look at his messages?

[hashtagwhatever]

agree with stella.

be upfront, isn't you who is in the wrong.

[FrancescaBell]

I'd assume the affair was still going on.

Like others, I don't know why you have to be so cloak and dagger about this.

Why would you trust him again so soon anyway, even if he wasn't being secretive, furtive and so attached to his phone?

The fact that he's not being completely transparent and trying to earn back your trust suggests he's still involved with someone. Even if he can't say the words, his body is speaking them when he was unable to sustain an erection.

You don't have to forgive and you don't have to trust again.

Neither do you have to believe this affair wasn't sexual.

You can just walk away from him and decide you'd be better off with someone who wouldn't do this to you.

[Isetan]

What StellarLights says. I guess he knows that you'd never leave him, thus there being no consequence for his shitty behaviour (apparently hurting you and eroding your trust aren't consequential enough).

My experience of being with someone who gave themselves permission to treat me poorly, is that habit doesn't change unless concrete behavioural changes are made and consequences are communicated and followed through, if those behavioural changes do not happen or do not continue.

The fact that your H is being secretive with his phone despite being caught in an EA isn't that telling, you not confronting him, is. There appears to be a power imbalance in your relationship and not in your favour. As long as this continues you will always be on the receiving end of his shitty behaviour and I suspect his shitty behaviour towards you isn't confined to his EA.

You and H are the most influential role models for your son, do not let those role models be a doormat and a bully. I don't mean to be harsh, especially when your'e hurting OP, but I left Ex in the end because of DD, I couldn't be the role model and parent her the way she deserved while my spirit was dying.

Wounds left untreated fester.

[doingmyhead]

As the others have said just ask! Sadly I think the reality is that you don't want to do that, because if he knows that you know, then you would need to address it! Maybe, you want to know by finding out secretly and not letting on to OH and address it in your own time later? When you are feeling stronger? But that strength needs to come now,

I think he is very likely to be continuing the affair otherwise he would be open and transparent and desperate to show he is "behaving",

Sorry OP, this is a tough time, but try and find the strength o stand up and say NO!

xx

[Smerlin]

You've had some good answers on the phone front from other posters.

Just to reassure you, ADs can have a very noticeable effect on erectile function/ ability to climax so he could certainly be telling the truth on that front.

[Lweji]

Having a passcode on his phone is basic security.
I have on mine.

However, you should know what it is and you are perfectly in your rights to ask what it is.

But ask yourself why you are with him if the trust is gone. Why do you want to trust him, instead of him earnin your trust?

[gingerbreadshoes]

Thank you for your replies. The reason I don't want to ask him about it is because he would get angry and stop speaking to me which creates an awful atmosphere.

I can't remember how it came about but I asked him if he was still in contact with OW and he said no. I then asked if he knew anything about her (she had a big event recently, out myself if I say what) he replied that he had heard things about her from a mutual friend as she had been going through a bad time (which is why it all started, two people trying to help each other but in secret)

I told him I found this upsetting and we went to sleep in silence.

I have just asked him about his phone and he said it's because it was a new one and everyone has a password. I said that it seems odd that since I discovered the EA he now feels the need to have one and can't he see that it looks as though he is hiding something.

I asked to look at his phone to which he said I could if I really wanted to stoop to that level.

Had he of said it was so ds couldn't get into the phone, that would have been understandable but he didn't which makes me think it is to keep me out.

I have not checked it as I doubt very much he would be stupid enough to leave messages on there and I also think they use fb which has a password and he would never give me that.

He hasn't made any effort to regain my trust he exptects me to have gotten over it without any bother on his side. He has always given off an attitude of 'it's your problem' if I feel upset by anything he has said or done, he really cannot see that he needs to help me.

[gingerbreadshoes]

I realise I have gone from not wanting to ask him to asking in the same post but I did actually do it whilst I was writing my post

[Dearjackie]

I feel for you OP, i wentthrough 4 yrs of this treatment from my partner. This gut feeling that something is going on and indeed I did find him on a social network site saying he was looking for friendship and DATING. He managed to explain it away and I tried to trust him

Like your DH he paid lip service to my concerns and I was apprehensive about asking him questions as it would create an atmosphere and he would turn it around on me every time. Somehow I would be the one at fault for asking him anything. In the end I didn't know when I was right and when I was wrong. It's all becoming clear now I am out of it.

[Dearjackie]

Oh and I had the phone thing also. Password always on, always on silent when he was at mine and I'm pretty sure he had set it so texts wouldn't show up on home screen when they came through because he went from having quite a few texts to none at all only emails. But apparently I was obsessed and paranoid.

I don't know what to suggest you do. I hope you can work it through by talking and that he comes to see your point of view

[gingerbreadshoes]

DearJackie that is exactly how it is if I mention anything it is me in the wrong and whilst he can 'see' how it might make me feel there is nothing he can 'do' about it as it's 'my' problem.

I do also doubt myself then and think I must be trying to make something out of nothing. I try and get him to imagine that it is one of his friends in the same situation to see if that can make him understand what I am getting at.

I imagine that he will now go into a silent sulk as I have been questioning him so tonight will be a quiet one.

[Ahhhcrap]

So you asked him, still haven't looked at his phone and still don't know the pass code. So in other words, nothing has changed and he's fobbed you off!

He is in the wrong for having an ea and should be kissing your arse, and doing whatever he can to make you feel more comfortable. He's doing neither.

Sorry OP but I think the affair is still on going.

[gingerbreadshoes]

Yes I can see that I was fobbed off but I didn't want to look at it as I doubt very much that there are any messages on there. When he got caught out he had deleted all of his messages prior to a couple of days so anything not very nice, as they were discussing me, was not there.

I do believe our relationship is very one sided as he carries on as if nothing has happened and I should have forgotten about it by now.

I am 99% sure he is still in contact with her as he is not the type of person who could turn his back on someone even if asked to. Had he been honest at the very beginning when I asked who she was before I knew of the ea then it would have been fine as he has lots of female friends. He chose to gloss over who she was so when I discovered it a month or so later it made it even worse.

He has spoken about how he is probably best off on his own and if he left how he wouldn't have another relationship etc.

What I really hate is how he is the victim amongst everyone he knows and it is caused by me and my behaviour but if I ask him to leave it will be me who has caused hurt to ds in others eyes not him

[Looksgoodingravy]

Sorry OP but everything should now be open to you, phone, email, passwords etc etc You're dh should be moving mountains to prove to you that there's nothing to worry about.

Instead I think he's taking the proverbial I really do.

Of course you're going to be wary especially with regards to his phone and instead of reassuring you he's throwing it back at you making out you're the one in the wrong.

This isn't going to work if he won't change.

[meditrina]

I agree with looksgoodingravy - part of NC and true remorseful reconciliation is total openness, which means sharing all passwords. If genuine reconciliation is taking place then, in tandem with other relationship building steps, there will be no contact and the urge to check passes as the primary relationship strengthens (though this takes moths or years).

If the wandering partner does not see that a perceived loss of privacy is part of the cost of the affair, nor that there isn't a great need for privacy in a healthy relationship, then the chances of successful reconciliation are low (sorry).

[Anniegetyourgun]

I don't have a password on my phone, do you? I just asked two of my sons, who both have smartphones, and they don't have passwords although they do know how to put one on. Actually I'm not sure I know anyone who does have a pass code on a non-work phone. He's talking shit, basically.

[DameFanny]

He's not interested in rebuilding your trust. He doesn't agree that he's done anything to apologise for. He doesn't believe that you have a right to be hurt by his EA.

Does he have any good points?

[gingerbreadshoes]

I don't have one on my phone and I don't believe that a new phone automatically comes with one either.

He is a very secretive person in general. He hid how much debt he had so I looked for myself and found out but was shocked as he has nothing to show for it.

He is regarded by his friends as being a kind hearted person whereas I just don't see this anymore.

[AnyFucker]

Whether or not he is still at it is actually irrelevant, IMO

This man does not respect you, you do not trust him (justifiably)

Game over...surely ?

[gingerbreadshoes]

DameFanny I honestly don't know if he does have any good points left.

I asked him last night if he could see why him still knowing what is happening in her life would upset me and after a lot of thinking he said he could see how it could. This was it though and I saod there felt like there was a but coming but he said there wasn't.

[ohtobemeagain]

gingerbread Sorry you are going through this. I can only repeat what others have said above. IF he truly wants you to rebuild your relationship, he must go NC, and must give you full transparency on ALL forms of communication.

I found out in June that my DH was having an EA. It took a lot of explaining, a lot of help from MN and a very good book (Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass) to make him see that what he was doing was wrong. When he realised, he was very remorseful (genuine), he gave me full access to all of his passwords - he volunteered some I hadn't even thought of. He does have a password on his phone, but I know it. He does delete texts / phone logs on a regular basis, but he gives me the phone first. I have got to the stage of just handing it back to him now, but he knows that I may just look at it now and again. He still works with the OW but has changed departments, he only has to see her in meetings now.

If your DP was serious about rebuilding your relationship, he would be doing the same as my DH. If my DH stops being so transparent, he knows where the door is, I suggest you show your DP where the door is too. I am assuming that he feels that you won't throw him out, he is gaslighting you, and if the friends and family found out WHY you have thrown him out, I think you will find you have their support. And if you don't, then they're not worthy to speak to you anyway.

You and your DS will be fine, you will be far better off without your DP if he is going to keep on treating you like a doormat. IF he chooses to stay, then you set the rules, not him. Be strong, you can do it.