Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Text I sent dh last night

(46 Posts)
topknob Tue 20-Aug-13 16:04:25

Not sure when you will read this, but I begged you to show me that iPad tonight, begged you and you refused, did that make you feel good? Like a man? Stupid little woman begging you! I am so ashamed of how the kids were made to feel, so ashamed. There little faces crying and so sad. But i promise those girls will never ever think thats an ok way to be treated by a man. Ever, I will teach them they deserve so much better than that. They do not have to do what some man tells them to do! I never thought I would be treated like this and never want them to go through this. I am sick of thinking of dying sick of feeling worthless . I am sick of being scared to phone people and tell then the truth. It is all about to change.

This was after an almighty ding dong because he hid his iPad from me and flatly refused to tell me where it was. I stood there crying, kids were, begging him and he just looked at me and said no. I found it in the end under a cupboard nothing bad on it this time (i know all the tricks wink ) so why do that to me?

He is not speaking to me again today smile not bothered by that at all after 14 years of it. Kids are unsettled but he did just have a go and said something about how he is going to when I told him to go away !

I am going to start a note thing where I recall every shitty arsehole thing he has said or done to me or made me do because he said he was unhappy. I am fighting back and he doesn't like it ! Then maybe I will get the confidence to tell people.

Cabrinha Tue 20-Aug-13 16:21:22

Can I suggest that you make the notes with a solicitor, and complete a petition divorcing for Unreasonable Behaviour?
There's obviously back story here and I'm sorry but I don't quite understand what your plan is.
But being confident to tell people (start here?) is good.

CailinDana Tue 20-Aug-13 16:25:04

Could you explain more about your situation? Is there any danger that your h could react violently?

Vivacia Tue 20-Aug-13 16:25:50

Why did you want to see the iPad?

Sparklysilversequins Tue 20-Aug-13 16:28:24

Why did this happen in front of kids? Why are they begging?

There must be more to this but I can tell you now it's unlikely that message moved him at all if he is the kind of man you've described.

coffeeinbed Tue 20-Aug-13 16:32:48

He sounds like an arse.
I would probably try and keep the children out of this, then again, sometimes things happen in the spur of the moment.
How old are they?

Vivacia Tue 20-Aug-13 16:34:13

Good point. Why do this in front of the kids.

DfanjoUnchained Tue 20-Aug-13 16:35:32

Another wondering why this happened infront of children

KellyHopter Tue 20-Aug-13 16:37:40

How awful.

But you know you can't protect your daughters from thinking this is normal while still bringing them up in it don't you?

You don't have to stay with him. You really shouldn't if he makes you so unhappy.

topknob Tue 20-Aug-13 16:38:47

I wanted to see it as he was being odd with it and last time I found out he had been in dating sites, which he denied. I have photos of the sites.
The kids weren't begging I was. They were crying.
I have had 14 years of ea from him. I get £25 a week paid into my account by him. All other money is paid into his bank account and I have to use his debit card to buy anything and then tell him how much I spent. He is a narc. The only opinion which matters is his, he is horribly vain, constantly wants compliments. He never has a nice word to say about my friends, although they still seem to like him. I have some notes in my phone already of some recent events. The list goes on and on and on. I know I am far from perfect but I don't behave like he does. I have empathy for people, I don't turn any situation into how it affects me or how I feel about it.
I do have past threads on here.
As for violence I don't think so as he would feel that was playing into my hands !

thornrose Tue 20-Aug-13 16:39:22

Well you've admitted it "out loud" here, that's a good start flowers

topknob Tue 20-Aug-13 16:40:01

Because the kids were awake, he hid the iPad upstairs under a cupboard and then went into the girls room.

wickeddevil Tue 20-Aug-13 16:40:17

This doesn't sound good. I am sure there is more to it than in you OP.
You can stay and gather evidence or you can Leave.

If leaving is likely to be tricky, could you find help / support

Could you contact women's aid or DV charities?

KellyHopter Tue 20-Aug-13 16:40:25

Oh god, I know I'm being simplistic but the fact is this is him, this is the relationship. It will never change...why are you choosing to stay?

ageofgrandillusion Tue 20-Aug-13 16:43:06

Doing stuff like that in fron of kids is bang out of order. What does it matter what is on it if you want out anyway?

DfanjoUnchained Tue 20-Aug-13 16:45:58

I agree^ please don't do these things infront of your dc, it will affect them later in life. You have to put them before his stupidity and lies.

Vivacia Tue 20-Aug-13 16:50:25

So are you leaving him?

Noting stuff is all well and good but the longer you stay with him the worse it will be for you and your children.

You have and are showing your children that on some level all this abusive treatment of you by your DH is acceptable to you.

Where is your own tipping point here re him, we've already had him looking at dating sites and ongoing financial abuse of you by him to boot.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What has prevented you from leaving to date?.

ProphetOfDoom Tue 20-Aug-13 16:53:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

topknob Tue 20-Aug-13 16:56:21

I have no where to go and no money. My ds who is 11 and has asd is starting mainstream secondary in September. I cannot remove him from that. I wish I could just up and leave. I have 5 children. One is mine who is 15 and the other 4 our ours together youngest is 8 oldest is 12. I don't plan to do this in front of them.

peggyundercrackers Tue 20-Aug-13 16:57:51

you were crying because you wanted to see his ipad and he wouldnt show it to you - seriously? you both sound as bad as each other and need to grow up.

coffeeinbed Tue 20-Aug-13 16:58:38

Of course you didn't.
Things happen when arguments escalate.
Don't worry about it now, see how you can get yourself out of the situation.

just leave him op, you will find a way, don't waste these years playing silly games.

just don't engage in it all

ageofgrandillusion Tue 20-Aug-13 17:01:05

Humour me here because this question might seem simplistic. You mention you have put up with this shit for 14 years ... And yet you have had 4 children in that time. Is there a part of this story i am missing? Were you getting on well in between his being an arse?

Have you ever sought legal advice?. Your H has likely squirrelled money away as well, he likely has far more than you think he does.

He would be the one most likely to leave bearing in mind as well you do have five children.

What memories do you want them to have of their childhoods?. Staying with this abusive narcissist is simply not an option for you or these children because he will destroy you all. They have over the years seen and heard far more than you perhaps realise.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now