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friend is about to self-destruct and is threatening me

(85 Posts)
zippingitup Tue 20-Aug-13 10:39:18

Long story short, I met a female friend a 5 years ago while I was in quite a 'wild' phase of my life. I partied a lot, worked hard, had a few ONS but emotionally and health-wise, I kept myself very safe.

When she and I met she was (bizarrely) impressed by what she perceived as my glamorous lifestyle and having had no previous sexual experience at all started to do what she thought was the same thing. The only problem is that her interpretation of what she thought I did was not right, and she became like an out of control, emotionally immature teenager.

A few examples: She did and still does drink to the point she passes out four nights out of seven, with no recollection of what she has said or done before that point. She does not use contraception with men she has ONS with, she sleeps with married men and it has become a challenge for her to seduce them, she takes drugs (cocaine, MDMA, LSD, ecstacy) she quit her job because it was interfering with her party lifestyle and became dependent on me and others for money, she has hysterics if she is not the centre of attention or the centre of any man's attention in a room, she has slept with nearly all of mine and my now DH's male friends making any social gathering quite uncomfortable.

I have been her emotional crutch for a year now and I have no clue how to extricate myself. Also since the beginning of our friendship I have met and married my lovely DH, who she irrationally hates and is rude to , despite the fact that he and I are practically paying her a salary each month to keep her alive and eating (her parents are dead.)

When I confront her about her attitude and her lifestyle she tells me I am a hypocrite now I'm married because I did "exactly the same thing" when I was single. This is not true. I made sure I had a good time when I was single, never took class A or B drugs (only ate hash brownies), never slept (knowingly) with married men, never drank to the point of passing out. My head was always firmly on my shoulders and I did not approach the independence of my thirties with a teenagers view of the world. I had, had boyfriends before, had drunk alcohol before, understood my own limits - but she does not understand this.

She is now threatening to "expose" information about me to my parents and to my DH. DH and my parents would be very upset if they found out I had even eaten hash brownies or had a ONS with a married man (I did not know he was married until afterwards, after which I stopped all contact.)

Her drinking is getting, worse, her drug-taking is getting worse, her emotional state is becoming terribly negative (she "hates" all men and treats them with contempt) she's depressed, jobless and will be homeless in 3 months and is asking if she can come and live with us.

I am totally confused. Am I acting like a smug married now? Do I sound really patronising and like a total hypocrite? Is it normal for someone to misinterpret someone else's life based on what they see and then re-enact it in their own way, then blame the other person for being a bad influence?!

Any advice on what I should do?

MrsCampbellBlack Tue 20-Aug-13 10:44:49

I would cut myself off from her. Tell her you won't be blackmailed by her, your DH and parents know everything they need to know and she is delusional.

And why on earth are you giving her money?

DameFanny Tue 20-Aug-13 10:46:23

Blackmail is a serious offence. Can you talk it over with the police? I think you just need to do whatever you have to to avoid her getting further into your life.

She's not a friend, and she's not your child. Ask the energy and money you're giving her is energy and money that you're taking away from your own family.

Level with her. No more help unless she takes some responsibility for herself. No time with you if she's using drugs. No money if she's using.

What does your DH make of it all? Btw, you should tell him the threats she's made - you know what happened and we've all made mistakes.

zippingitup Tue 20-Aug-13 10:48:08

thanks mrscampbellblack. I gave her money first of all because I thought it would help her out of a rut. Now she calls DH and I when she is drunk and out of control and we "rescue" her. Either with money to get a hotel room, paying for taxis/meals/petrol etc. She told me she has been job searching again and asked if I could give her money to cover her expenses while she looked for a job, so I have given her about £1000 a month in cash over the last 6 months.

I feel solely responsible for her and she has no parents and no living family. The men she sleeps with do not 'take care of her' like she hopes. I feel sorry for her. She is like a child.

Jan45 Tue 20-Aug-13 10:49:08

So what exactly do you get from this friendship, she sounds like a dead weight around your neck and by giving her money you are enabling the black outs and drug taking - stop it, you owe her nothing.

And, after all that, she now threatens you with blackmail - I don't get what you actually see in this person as she sounds completely unhinged, untrustworthy and unfit for anything.

Repeatedlydoingthetwist Tue 20-Aug-13 10:50:08

As above. Get rid. Chances are that even if she does 'spill the beans' (you have nothing to worry about IMO BTW, the 'crimes' you have committed are nothing in the grand scheme of things) no one will believe her. Do NOT give her any more money either!

MrsCampbellBlack Tue 20-Aug-13 10:50:36

OMG at the amount of money. The problem is by bailing her out you aren't helping her really.

You sound lovely and seriously nothing you did in your past was at all shocking - I suspect your parents would think she was mad if she tried to tell them stuff.

What does your DH think of her generally?

Jan45 Tue 20-Aug-13 10:50:54

Just read your last bit, you've given her 6 grand in the last six months, how odd is that??? Are you rich, can I have 3 grand please?

zippingitup Tue 20-Aug-13 10:51:35

Dame Fanny, the blackmail from her is framed a bit like abuse. It takes the form of shouting at me when I won't come out with her and saying how boring I am and if DH/my parents could have seen me years ago he would be horrified. It's not blatant blackmail - although how often is blackmail that blatant.

I feel like I need to placate her all the time. I guess that makes me very weak.

UnstoppableCousCous Tue 20-Aug-13 10:52:50

£1000 a month??? That's loads! She is totally taking advantage of you. I think you should just cut her out, go no contact totally. Tell her she can tell people what she likes - it sounds like she's totally out to lunch and no one would believe her anyway.

I don't think you should try to rescue this friendship. She has treated you appallingly.

zippingitup Tue 20-Aug-13 10:54:43

my DH is torn between really disliking her (for disliking him) but when she picks up men in the street (she literally does this, she gets drunk then she says "hello - you look nice. Do you want to come with me?") DH becomes quite protective of her and wants to tell the men to get lost (it's always the sleaziest ones, of course.)

She has sexually propositioned DH twice, both times she denies or can't remember or was too drunk. Every time I confront her about this she says "I would never do that to you."

gamerchick Tue 20-Aug-13 10:54:56

Tell her the minute she blackmailed you was when she stepped over the line. Then cut her off.

She needs to hit rock bottom before helping herself.. you are preventing that by keeping her afloat.

It'll be mega hard but it's for her own good.

Dumpylump Tue 20-Aug-13 10:55:04

All children grow up eventually though. When is she going to do this? You are enabling her behaviour and you need to stop. I can't believe that you have stumped up £6,000 in the last few months just so she can party! That's insane! Can you really afford for this to continue?
She is absolutely not your friend and you need to walk away....in fact, run as fast as you can, as far away as you can.
You may need to have an uncomfortable conversation with your dh about your past, but tbh, it doesn't sound as though you did anything too heinous. Once you have spoken to him, then her blackmail threats are empty.

zippingitup Tue 20-Aug-13 10:57:06

When she is sober she comes round and "job searches" on her laptop to use our wireless. She is very helpful with housework and cooks for family functions occasionally that we have at home, but she is not our employee!

If I go NC with her, she will not survive. What do I put in place before I do?

MrsCampbellBlack Tue 20-Aug-13 10:57:16

It gets worse and believe me it will get far far worse.

I would put together some details of rehab places for her but tell her she's on her own. You just can't let someone like that into your life, she will destroy it.

DameFanny Tue 20-Aug-13 10:57:24

SHE'S NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. SHE IS HER OWN PERSON AND RESPONSIBLE FOR HERSELF.

Sorry, thought a bit of a shout was necessary.

Maybe you should look into al-anon and whatever the drug equivalent is, because like it or not you've been suckered into a codependent relationship with a substance abuser.

Nothing you are doing will make her magically sort her life out. Everything you are doing is postponing the day when she decides - or not - to turn her life around.

Whatever she chooses will not be your responsibility. You need to let her sink or swim. Harsh but true.

If I go NC with her, she will not survive.

But she's savvy enough to get £6,000 out of you so far - I reckon she is well able to survive - she will (unfortunately) find someone else to pay for her. Get her out of your life.

Dumpylump Tue 20-Aug-13 11:03:10

Am going to be very hard faced here now.
So what if she doesn't survive? She is not your responsibility. She is a grown woman, who is choosing to live her life in a ridiculously destructive way. Not your fault, not your problem.
She will survive by the way.

Atavistic Tue 20-Aug-13 11:05:58

SHe has made a pass at your DH twice??????
You owe her nothing. You are giving her money for booze and drugs, all poison to her. Speak to the police about the blackmail. Seriously, you are being used and abused by this woman. Get away from her and stay away from her.

If your DH can handle your bonkers 'friend', he can handle your sexual history and a few hash cakes! Tell your parents she's drink and drug addled, and that she has been extorting money from you. It's the truth.

You need to cut her out, she is blackmailing you and she won't get any better if you continue to enable her by giving her a huge hand out each month.

Do not let her live with you, she will never leave and will continue on this destructive path regardless.

She will survive when you go nc.

She has to help herself, harsh but true.

SunnyIntervals Tue 20-Aug-13 11:09:07

Poor you! And poor her because she sounds very troubled.

I think you do have some responsibility here, because you've effectively taken her on and she is both partly financially and emotionally dependent . I have done this too (am too kind as well) many many times.

You need to find ways of gently moving her on - over time eg saying 'unfortunately I can't spare the money any more as a we need it for x y z, so from next month we won't be able to give you any more'. Gradually become less available - she will start to focus on other people. Hopefully this way you can cool things without causing her too much pain.

She needs to go to the GP and seek help - I would encourage this.

EldritchCleavage Tue 20-Aug-13 11:09:21

Oho, I think she will survive. She blackmails, wheedles, tantrums, seduces. She'll survive.

If you carry on with this though, you may not survive unscathed (you'll certainly be skint). Don't assume the status quo will continue-she's on a spiral downwards, and will want ever more cash, attention and sacrifice from you, will cause problems with and for your DH.

Never make yourself responsible for rescuing someone who abuses you (unless it's you child). I would drop her.

SunnyIntervals Tue 20-Aug-13 11:10:14

I think you have to tell her that the threats hurt you and she has to stop them. I don't think people who love you will care btw.

Libertine73 Tue 20-Aug-13 11:11:26

Oh my god love, what are you thinking? I (kind of) appreciate you are trying to be a good friend, but she is no friend of yours. Is she an addict now? £1000 a month is fucking ludicrous and your DH is an absolute saint for putting up with this shit.

she will drag you donw, no doubt about it.

sit her down, tell her she needs help, but you will not be her cash cow anymore, tell her to stop the late night 'rescue me' phone calls, as you won't pick up.

she needs to start looking after herself, or have a nasty enough incident that she wakes the fuck up.

BeCool Tue 20-Aug-13 11:16:04

SHe is not your friend.
You are her cash cow.
She is not your responsibility.
She is completely out of order.

Are you seriously thinking you have to keep the status quo in case she blabs you ate a hash cake and had a sex life before you were married?
Of course not!

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