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mismatched sex drives - crunch point. Dh threatening to leave.

(82 Posts)
NotHerRealName Mon 19-Aug-13 20:13:28

I am so sad and confused writing this. I have had an extremely low sex drive ever since the birth of my first child 5 years ago. We now have a 2 year old as well. My DH and I manage sex once every fortnight or occasionally once a week.

I suffer with recurrent thrush, and I suspect I also have a rectocele too. The thrush means we have long periods of abstinence. I feel no urge to have sex, and don't masturbate. Pre kids I was fine. We had a great sex life before the kids when we met 7 years ago. Now I feel like my vagina is a mess and my self esteem has suffered.

Basically my DH has a high sex drive and I feel like he is always on at me to have sex. He grabs my arse and makes sexual inuendos frequently and to be honest I find living in a carry on film a bit of a turn off. I know its only messing about but it really annoys me. I also feel pressured to have sex, although when we do I always orgasm. I am very slow to warm up and suffer with vaginal dryness too.

To sum up, (if you have got this far) Last night he suggested we go up to bed for a bit of lovemaking. I apparently pulled a disgusted face. He feels absolutely crushed by this and thinks that we can't go on anymore like this. He has suggested we stay together til the kids are older then go our separate ways. Or he can leave now if I would rather.

I have been at work all day and as soon as I came home he has gone out. Hardly talking to me at all.

I have made an appointment with GP to see if a magic wand can be waved.

I fear my marriage is over. I feel so sad for my two children.

BranchingOut Mon 19-Aug-13 20:20:22

Sorry to hear this. I think that you need an appointment with your GP for some medical help - you should not have to be living with some of these issues.

valiumredhead Mon 19-Aug-13 20:23:29

Wrt the thrush, if you have it then he probably had it too and you're passing it back and forth. Had he been treated too?

I wouldn't want sex if I had raging thrush eithersad

He doesn't sound very understanding.

SamanthaJones Mon 19-Aug-13 20:25:12

Oh you poor woman. Agree, see your GP about the physical issues.

But it takes two and there aren't many women who would find the Carry On approach a turn on. And you work and have small children, so presumably time is short, as is sleep. So although I can see your dh is hurt and so lashed out, his approach was never going to be a constructive way to solve the problem really.

Your marriage isn't necessarily over, it just needs help.

Cheerymum Mon 19-Aug-13 20:26:19

Didn't want to read and run. What a horrible feeling to have.
Is your relationship ok in other ways? If so I think you need both a medical sort out (to deal with any physical aspects from your side, and improve them if possible, as well as assessing whether your libido has taken a worse than normal hit due to other issues eg depression.
Your husband has dealt with this very poorly, but is probably genuinely feeling very rejected - not your fault at all, but especially if his efforts to get you interested actively turn you off, there is not just a mismatch of libido but also of understanding about how to deal with it. If your relationship is worth some effort to salvage, couples counselling/sex therapy might be hugely beneficial to getting you both onto a track you are ok with. FWIW I think once a fortnight is pretty frequent with small kids! But it shouldn't be under pressure - that is quite quite wrong and I'm not surprised you feel miserable about it. flowers

Phineyj Mon 19-Aug-13 20:26:47

I think Relate would be more likely to be helpful than a GP

SamanthaJones Mon 19-Aug-13 20:26:49

And also I don't know about you but I need a bit of woo-ing "'ere darlin' fancy it?' Isn't enough. Point that out to your dh.

Cheerymum Mon 19-Aug-13 20:27:17

X posted

valiumredhead Mon 19-Aug-13 20:27:53

Bum slapping and carry on stuff of only ok when there it's no pressure involved, then it's just fun. Otherwise it would make me very stabbyangry

I would say that 2 or 3 times a monthsp is not that infrequent to be honest even if you didn't have medical issues. I would hope a partner would have more understanding.

YoniBottsBumgina Mon 19-Aug-13 20:36:21

Hang on, once or twice a fortnight is quite a bit when you a, have small kids, b, have a low sex drive anyway and c, have medical issues on top! shock

I would also say that the glaring issue to me here is his pressure on you - that's totally not on, and probably making the sex drive thing worse, not better. It's fair enough for him to want sex more frequently but putting pressure on you is not okay.

I agree with the suggestion of Relate, but I think GP would be a good idea too to see if you can get your issues sorted, but think of this as being for you rather than being for him. I'm sure it would help your confidence and also comfort, long term. Short term I'd imagine that if you had to have surgery then sex would be off the menu for a while again anyway, so DH's attitude is going to really have to improve in order to support you with this.

I hope you can find a solution sad

NotHerRealName Mon 19-Aug-13 20:39:20

I have been on a course of fluconazole for 6 months and this helped with the thrush, until I miss a dose and it comes back immediately. My body image has taken a battering as my genitals are just not the same anymore!
Its not just one problem but lots of things. I find it really difficult to switch from mummy mode to sexual women. I have turned into a bit of a prude. I cant bear porn as I think its degrading, however I used to occasionally enjoy it pre kids. I just don't see myself that way anymore.
I do think that my Dh has been understanding at times but also has been insensitive. For example, joking about my defective fanny when I have a thrush flare up. He is very complimentary about my appearance and finds me very attractive, so I guess I should feel lucky. Instead I just feel pressured.
He is being an insensitive prick right now but I know how hurt and rejected he feels. He has just had enough of the constant knock backs.

Twinklestein Mon 19-Aug-13 20:41:11

From what you're saying OP, it's not just that you've lost your libido, but that your husband is actually turning you off with his innuendos & arse-grabbing.

I can understand why he was so hurt by you looking actively disgusted, & the talk of splitting may have just come from a sense of rejection.

ThatVikRinA22 Mon 19-Aug-13 20:48:29

I think your husband is being very insensitive and using emotional blackmail to get you to have sex more often. - that would turn me off even more. It's unfair and you actually have more sex than many of us! My kids are grown up and it's still about once a month - there needs to be give and take in a marriage - and everyone goes through stages where sex isn't a priority especially when the kids are little. I would be bloody hurt and furious by your husbands reaction. I'd be tempted to call his bluff.....he needs to develop more tolerance and learn that marriage is not all about him and his wants!

NotHerRealName Mon 19-Aug-13 20:48:46

That's right Twinkle, he is lashing out. However judging by this evening behaviour I am quite worried. I suggested relate this morning but he is reluctant as he is afraid of having it all laid bear and there being no way back iyswim?
With my health issues, sometimes I think he thinks I am using it all as an excuse. I can't be sure that there is not some truth in that. Like I say, its quite complex and I wonder if there may be more than one issue to sort out.
He has said in the past that he knows for sure that if I found someone else my sex drive would go through the roof. He says that I just don't find him attractive anymore. Whilst I don't get horny by looking at him anymore, nor do I by looking at any men either.

FourGates Mon 19-Aug-13 20:50:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThatVikRinA22 Mon 19-Aug-13 20:52:25

Btw. - I used to get raging thrush - two things helped. One was coing off the pill, and one was gynodaktarin cream - I had canestan resistant thrush. Speak to your Gp and get a referral to a gyne for the thrush. And tell your husband to grow up or try having sex with a cheese grater so he bloody knows how it feels to have sex with thrush! I'm quite angry for you. Are u on the pill or hormonal contraception?

carlywurly Mon 19-Aug-13 20:58:44

Ime there is nothing more of a turn off than being pawed at and pressurised. You poor thing. hmm

carlywurly Mon 19-Aug-13 21:00:07

On an entirely separate note, lube transformed sex for me. Far more comfortable and never that horrid chafing feeling. Tmi but never mind!

NotHerRealName Mon 19-Aug-13 21:00:53

Vicar, I have the mirena currently. I have also had the copper IUD too and the mini pill. No difference with any method really.

This is overshare so apologies. The thing I cant get out of my head is the fact that Dh thinks that my vagina feels better post babies. I cant quite bring myself to tell him that I think its because part of my rectum is bulging through, making it feel nice and snug. Maybe I should tell him that as that would certainly reduce his sex drive! In all seriousness though it is a horrible mental image to have and it does cross my mind during sex sometimes.

Bowlersarm Mon 19-Aug-13 21:01:06

I think if this has been going on for five years, you do have to address it. It looks like it is becoming a considerable problem for him. MNers always give support to women in these threads, but IMO he does have a point.

He may be becoming insensitive about it, but you say you he finds you attractive so does that not boost your confidence? Although the silly behaviour would annoy me too.

If DH only wanted to have sex with me twice a month, and then begrudgingly, for five years with no sign of anything changing, I would start to question our relationship. I think feeling desired is important. It would be no different to being flat mates otherwise.

As I say, I know it's not a popular MN view, but it is my view. And I don't have a high sex drive, either.

NotHerRealName Mon 19-Aug-13 21:03:25

Carlywurly, I reckon tmi and overshare are a given with a thread like this. I have tried sensilube and its very good but a bit of a passion killer for me if it has to be relied upon.

ThatVikRinA22 Mon 19-Aug-13 21:05:20

OP. - am I right I. Thinking that all of those methods involve something hormone related? If so u could have found your answer.

NotHerRealName Mon 19-Aug-13 21:06:03

No Bowlersarm, I accept that actually, as I know I have neglected the issue for far too long. He is really hurt by this. I have taken a head in the sand approach and am now paying the price.

crazyhead Mon 19-Aug-13 21:09:01

My friend went through this and going to see a sex therapist through Relate really helped her. You need to find a compromise and find a way of getting to it without both of you feeling hurt and angry.

The fact that things worked sexually pre kids is good...there are so many things that might help, from you just getting more time/scenarios that actually make you feel romantic, to you getting a gynae appt to get these niggles sorted, to your husband revising his romantic style.

Just out of interest, is your husband pulling his weight with the grottier side of having children? Because if he is getting to go out more/have more fun/have more 'him' time than you, he doesn't have a leg to stand on.

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