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To insist he quits everything?

(16 Posts)
Jan45 Mon 19-Aug-13 17:26:08

Really feel for you, what a predicament. It's been 3 years so don't waste another trying to change him, he has to want to do that and it doesn't look very likely. You should walk away because he is not treating you with respect and is using drink and drugs as an excuse for bad behaviour.

Can't help but think there are nicer men out there that don't put drink and drugs before their lady and disappear to leave you worried sick.

What you are asking of him will not work and will just further your own co-dependency issues. You need to wind in big time those rescuing and saving tendencies you have because you will be only dragged down with him otherwise. You cannot save anyone who does not want to be helped.

If you truly did love him you would walk away from him. Being around him at all will not help him or you for that matter, you cannot assist him here.

Madlizzy Mon 19-Aug-13 16:10:19

His disappearing acts are very disrespectful to you as he shows no remorse or indeed acts as if he doesn't give a shit that you may well be going out of your mind with worry.

TheUnsympathetic Mon 19-Aug-13 15:58:17

He has turned up and promised to give everything up but I don't know if it's too late. He only disappears when he is drinking/doing drugs.

DuelingFanjo Mon 19-Aug-13 14:27:43

The thing is - with an ultimatum you have to stick to it. You can't say 'do this or I will leave' and then not leave when they don't do it. It just means they know that they can do whatever they like.

You could come to some agreement about his drug use but it sounds like he already just disappears without telling you and that's not really any way for you to be living.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Mon 19-Aug-13 14:14:15

Binge drinking is one of the forms of alcoholism: there isn't just a one-size-fits-all model. The fact that he goes awol for days with his phone off on these binges would indicate a serious alcohol problem. This doesn't sound just recreational.

Re: the ultimatum. It should be for you, love. Not to manipulate him into doing x or y or z. Do you want to spend the rest of your life like this? That is the question you should be asking yourself.

TheUnsympathetic Mon 19-Aug-13 14:07:01

As DuellingFanjo says I don't think it's addiction, it's through choice and opportunity. I like to go to parties too but I'm not overdoing it so much I make myself mentally ill and miss work. The problem is I don't want to break up because when he's sober he's the loveliest person and we have more in common than I do with anyone else. I just can't see this working long-term whilst he's like this. I don't really want to offer an ultimatum because a) he should want to give it up by himself and b) I don't think he'll keep to it and I don't want to have to offer more chances because that seems like continuing the whole pointless cycle...

Meringue33 Mon 19-Aug-13 13:50:21

Check out Al-Anon and Narc-Anon websites. You did not cause his addiction, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it. Give up trying. flowers

DuelingFanjo Mon 19-Aug-13 13:48:49

If he is having periods where he does no drugs/alcohol then he's not really an addict but a recreational user. However I would say that you should leave him because his recreational use is still such that it shows a complete disregard for your feelings and concerns. As someone who is in a relationship with someone who used to do a lot of drugs and even now occasionally does I would recommend you get out now and find happiness with someone who won't be putting you through this worry. Particularly if you want to have children.

IKnewHouseworkWasDangerous Mon 19-Aug-13 13:46:25

You need to look after yourself. If he gets worse that is his choice and not your fault. You cant fix him, only he can do that and he has to want to.

It sounds like you feel like you should help to 'fix him'?

You can't.

Only he can fix himself, if he wants to. It doesn't sound like he wants to at the moment. You are not tied to him, keep it that way.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Mon 19-Aug-13 13:44:33

I know it's hard to hear, but he can drink and do drugs as much as he wants, and no-one but him gets to tell him to stop. He's not going to stop his addictions until he chooses to (and you can't make him want to stop, it can only come from him).

You however can choose whether or not you quit him. Your choice is to stay or go, that's it I'm afraid.

Stay, and your life is just going to be more of this:
I just can't take it any more. He did it again this weekend and the sight of someone I love in an absolute mess is so unbearable... It's not fun.

keely79 Mon 19-Aug-13 13:44:01

This is not a relationship - it's torture. You can't make him better - only he can do that. It is not your responsibility what he does to himself. You deserve an equal partnership and to be loved and to love someone who deserves you.

Madlizzy Mon 19-Aug-13 13:42:32

You need to walk away. You can't take responsibility for him on this, only he can sort himself out. Losing you may actually be the wake up call that he needs. If he does get worse, that's up to him. For your sake though, you do need to leave him.

expatinscotland Mon 19-Aug-13 13:42:16

This person is an addict and will be until HE decides to stop. You are flogging a dead horse.

TheUnsympathetic Mon 19-Aug-13 13:39:40

DP & I are mid 20s and live separately, no kids involved, been together 3 years. I've known him since we were about six and since being a teenager he's always been prone to drink/drugs binges which has put huge strain on our relationship in the past (he goes awol for days with his phone off, sometimes it's after an argument but mostly not). He has thought he's suffering from depression for the last 18 months and this is made much, much worse following a binge - obviously. He has a history of alcoholism in his family.

He had calmed down a lot but it's got worse again lately. I just can't take it any more. He did it again this weekend and the sight of someone I love in an absolute mess is so unbearable. We rarely spend any quality time together and intimacy is a thing of the past because I don't want to be close to someone drunk or hungover. It's not fun.

I want him to quit everything for at least six months, or I don't want to be with him any more. Is that a controlling thing to do? I know he sees it as escapism but I am so scared he's going to die of an overdose or kill himself. I'm also scared if I break up with him he'll get worse and I don't think I could handle the guilt if he died. This is really affecting everything else in my life because I spend so much time worrying about him. I currently don't have a clue where he is and am in tears at work. I can't really talk about it to friends and family because I have in the past and they either disapprove or think he's fun (because they don't have to deal with the lows).

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