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Would you class this as financial abuse?

(42 Posts)
thismousebites Mon 19-Aug-13 10:13:22

If you we're a full time samh and your DH never contributed to food,DCs clothes etc and to top it off installed a safe and put all his disposable cash in it?

Jux Tue 20-Aug-13 01:01:58

SGB, yes she got out. Last I heard was she and the children were settled their own place and she was feeling her way towards independence and faith in herself. Sounded happy, though! She has been seen pn the pdd thread - like this one - occasionally. I suspect she has NCed. I think of her often.

Your poor friend, OP. Probably you will just have to be there for her, ready with info when she needs it. Very sad.

It's a difficult situation for you, because you can't force her to leave, obviously and, tempting though it is to keep telling her what an absolute prick the husband is, it might lead to her shutting you out or being forbidden to talk to you any more. You could keep gently suggesting she have a chat with women's aid.

thismousebites Mon 19-Aug-13 21:28:06

I think she would love to be financially independent as this would take a lot of pressure off her and might actually make her DH respect her more. Not that he shouldn't respect her now as her being A sahm has enabled him to run his business, but he obviously doesn't see it like that, sadly.
She has also stated that he refuses to help out if she were to get a weekend or evening job and she would have to get her mum to look after the DCs.
He really has got her under his thumb, hasn't he? Just makes me so mad, but what can I do?

Silverfoxballs Mon 19-Aug-13 21:09:08

If he has his own business and has a safe and is paid in cash a lot she probably won't get the right amount due if she leaves him.

Poor woman what an awful way to live.

ModreB Mon 19-Aug-13 20:25:31

DH and I have totally separate finances, but we both know exactly what bills come in and what money we need to pay out, so certain bills are in my name, and I pay them, and others are in DH's name and he pays them. It works out about equal.

I don't know exactly how much DH earns, and he doesn't know how much I earn. I have never asked, and neither has he.

I work FT, DH works FT, and we both always have. 3 x DC's, all old enough to not need childcare now, but when they were, I payed the childcare and DH payed more for shopping etc, so we still payed out about the same

I know that if something happened, and DH wasn't here anymore for any reason, I could cover all bills etc, and still keep going.

Its a result of seeing my DM being financially abused by my SDF, and DH understands my need to be financially independent. He knows that I might have savings, but will be very happy when the pension comes through grin

Ask your friend, is there anything in the DH's history that reflects this?

And, before anyone asks, we have been together for nearly 30 years, and it has worked all this time.

wordyBird Mon 19-Aug-13 19:58:20

So it sounds as if she's not happy, and is resentful, but doesn't think there is anything really wrong with her husband's behaviour.

For the time being you can only support her, and listen to her. Its probably going to take a while for her to realise what the problem is.

You could keep gently pointing out that what's happening to her is not right, and that other women aren't in this position: though chances are she will be defensive at first.

So it's very hard on you, but you are being a great friend just by being there for her, and pointing out that all is not well.

She'll be thinking about what you've said, make no mistake.

thismousebites Mon 19-Aug-13 19:20:28

I know that she has to buy all the family food, clothes for the DCs, petrol to take them to school in HIS car and presents at christmas. I ribbed her a bit about that when she started buying presents in September last year as she couldn't afford to leave it till December in case there was no money. Feel bad about that now but I wasn't really aware of the situation then as had my own crap going on.
I've lent her the odd tenner here and there when she's really skint, but she's always managed to repay.
I think her DH has convinced her that she should be grateful to have a nice house for her and the DCs to live in.
I can see she's not happy and was really upset over the safe issue as she feels he just treats her a bit like one of the kids. But apart from LTB I don't know what to say to her.

But her DH has told her that , if she gets a job, the childcare will still be her responsibility so she will have to fork out for childcare in school hols.

I'd consider that financial abuse regardless of the rest.

Poor woman. What kind of man makes his wife and children scrape by when he has money?

Catmint Mon 19-Aug-13 19:04:44

Yes. Why does she have to buy her and her partners food out of CB?

wordyBird Mon 19-Aug-13 18:58:49

That isn't a marriage IMO. That's one human being exploiting another.

He's making her keep house; bear, feed, and pay for his children; and sleep with him, we assume, in exchange in for.... what. A place to live?

There's a name for that, and it's illegal. But if she is happy with the arrangement (unlikely, but hey).....then you are indeed stuck.

Jux, I was thinking of that thread as well - did she get away from him? I don't remember finding out how it ended.

OP: this sounds like a man who wants to ensure that his wife is dependent on him. Repeated pregnancies are a fairly classic way of trapping a woman. However, if she reckons there is nothing wrong then there is nothing you can do.

thismousebites Mon 19-Aug-13 18:38:00

Women's Aid? No because she ca't see that this is abuse. She laughed when I said this to her and replied that he didn't beat her or anything so what was I talking about?
Thing is my ex was pretty much like her DH with money and who owned what so I can't understand why she can't see the similarities.
Makes it worse that her DH and my ex are big mates so I think they share the same views on marriage.

Jux Mon 19-Aug-13 18:33:49

There was a horrific thread some years ago. A woman whose h wanted her to have more and more children even though he knew that childbirth was likely to have devastating and permanent effects on her health -ossibly kill her. Wouldn't allow her to use contraception. Didn't care whether she wanted sex or not. Who gave her very little money. Who wouldn't let her get a job as he wasn't going to waste money on childcare. Endangered the children and her in all sorts of subtle and nasty ways.

She did eventually get a pt job, sort childcare, and then got away from him.

I imagine it's costing him a darn sight more in CSA etc, than he ever gave her. He may even be wondering why he insisted on having that last child that he forced her to have, as that'll be more money he's having to shell out via CSA.

Jux Mon 19-Aug-13 18:24:09

Would she call Women's Aid?

Darkesteyes Mon 19-Aug-13 18:15:25

or his contribution to childcare for HIS kids.

TwoTearsInABucket Mon 19-Aug-13 18:14:28

He doesn't sound like he is very nice at all. He is happy to have children but not feed or clothe them. I expect with that attitude that he pays for his own food.
It does sound more abusive when he is making it difficult for her to get a job but won't pay for food.

CoalDustWoman Mon 19-Aug-13 17:40:20

If they are married, it's not his, it's theirs. He'll find that out when they divorce.

Lweji Mon 19-Aug-13 17:35:22

Do encourage her to get a good FT job and LTB.

thismousebites Mon 19-Aug-13 17:30:26

Well, she had her own small business when Dc1 was a toddler and I think practically any money she made went on childcare so when she became pregnant for a second time, she closed it down as she said she just couldn't afford to keep going and pay for 2 children in childcare. Don't think her DH helped out financially at all at the time.
I do remember that she was a bit unsure about having DC2 but apparantly he was all for it, so it's not like he resents her not bringing any money in.
I know that when she applied for a full time job about a year ago, he reminded her that it had better pay well as she would need childcare in the morning and after school too.

Squitten Mon 19-Aug-13 16:55:35

Her relationship doesn't sound good at ALL!

TwoTearsInABucket Mon 19-Aug-13 16:51:57

Can't see how she would afford clothes and food out of CB alone.
If she got a job then surely he should contribute tochildcare as she provided all the child care previously. So he is standing in her way of being more independent.

Twinklestein Mon 19-Aug-13 16:51:34

Jovellanos Locking money away so that all food & clothing costs have to be covered by child benefit??

Jovellanos Mon 19-Aug-13 16:47:34

Locking money away in a safe is no different from locking money away in an ISA or savings account. Locking money away is actually a pretty good idea.

The problem is the OP's friend's marriage, which sounds a bit shit.

LessMissAbs Mon 19-Aug-13 15:23:44

So why is she still with him then?

He has only told her she will do this, not actually done it yet?

Was the situation for her to be a SAHM a joint one, or does he feel put upon to give her money and feel she should be contributing financially?

It doesn't sound like the sort of happy relationship anyone would stay in.

Lweji Mon 19-Aug-13 15:18:31

She'd be better off leaving with the children.
She'd get benefits and child maintenance.

She should show him the CSA calculation for child maintenance, plus what she would be likely to get over a divorce (the use of the family home, plus a good part of his savings and house).

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